I feel embarrassed posting this on here, but since my private life is a secret from friends/family I have nowhere to go. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery for 9 months. The drinking problem went on for nearly 10 years and I had a very hard time dealing with it. He is yet at the stage of recovery admitting his problem to me and/or apologising what I went through for that period. He now stopped drinking, goes to AA meetings and I am proud of him sticking with it. However his behaviour has not changed. Last night I come home from work, I have been back at work as an essential worker for the past 4 weeks. He has been in lockdown for 3 months now. I work 12 hours a day, get home and start cooking. Walk to him, kiss him hello and he is on the couch, does not acknowledge me etc. Last week he asked me to spend more time with him when I get home from work, rather than just starting to do my house chores. So I sit down with him, tried a conversation with him, but he closes his eyes and ignores me. So I get up, getting food ready and went to our bedroom. He storms into the room a little later, tell me I am a horrible person isolating myself from people in general and I quote "duck this tit" and walk out. I let it be, continue on and he comes back. He stands in front of me. I feel like a child in front of the school headmaster for bleeping up. He questions me about my poor attitude, asks me why I am sensitive all in his normal shouting way. I don't know what to say, because most of the accusations doesn't make sense to me. I start crying and I am not a crier. I feel intimidated by this man hovering over me finger in my face, accusing me that I am wrong about everything I do or say. My heart breaks into little pieces because I thought recovery will change him. That I wont be his target to get out any frustrations and listen how bad I am, whilst I was emotionally abused for nearly 10 years. I have never felt as lonely, sad, and honestly not worthy. I serve his meal on his lap, have a bath and go and sleep in the spare bedroom. In bed i lay there wishing that my life can end, that i want to fall asleep and not wake up. Is this my past, present and future. i cannot do this. Am i what he tells me i am.