Anyone else planning on asking for divorce as soon lockdown is over?

[Jerseymiss]

Honestly,

I can't stand the man anymore. Our relationship has completely broken down.

We haven't had sex since August.
And before then it was apirl last year.

He just isn't interested and I've tried for months with him to build it back up.

But he just isn't bothered. And tbh I'm not either now.

I just want out.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[comment on life]

I left a relationship of 7 years on the 26th of December 2019. We weren't married and didnt have kids but were literally one signature away from buying a house. The sale was agreed. Everything was done. Only for our Solicitor taking early holidays for Christmas I would have been committed to a mortgage with this guy.

The final straw after years of putting up with him was getting a call from him on Christmas Day listing 6 points of how I needed to change (clean the house more, be more focused on him than my family etc) and then he finished this rant with telling me he had met up with his ex girlfriend and planned to meet up with her again. This girl among the many that I had discovered him to be text flirting with in the early days of our relationship.

He was unemployed for a lot of our relationship and I would come home from work everyday to find him sitting on the couch playing xbox - the dog would be absolutely bouncing off the walls because she hadnt been walked. Everytime I put my key in the door after a days work I felt as though I was about to start a nightmare shift.

Reading all of the comments on this thread has just shown me how happy I am that I left him and everything else behind. I took the dog, my personal documents and clothes and never went back. As scary as it is to be 31 and now not sure if I will get to have kids or meet someone else I am so so happy I didnt stay with him.

As cliche as it is you are so much better off on your own than with someone who makes you not like yourself. I could not imagine being stuck with my ex during this lockdown period and my heart goes out to all of you that are in that situation.

I think everyone here needs to hear that you can manage on your own. You already are managing on your own. Just imagine how much easier it will be without the dead weight in the relationship constantly dragging you down, making you question yourself, thinking you are the problem.... The sooner you leave an unhappy relationship the sooner life gets better xx

 

[Woopsagain]

Sorry for jumping on this thread, I can't open my own.

I've just found an anniversary card at the bottom of my boyfriend's work bag (was looking for hand gel and come across gifts, etc so made me look further). Before lockdown he worked away mon-fri and every other weekend. This card said they'd met 2 years ago. It's our sons birthday in a week.

I really don't know what to do, I hate confrontations, we're in lockdown, it's my sons birthday hes so close to his dad too. But then I don't think I can stay with someones who's going to cheat on me.

I'm looking for some advice please, I've tried talking to friends but feel like they're excusing it. I really don't know what to do.

I read this and I have cried so much as it brings back such bad memory's for me. I have thought about you since you posted this this and I really did not want to comment. But here we go.
December 2006 I got up really early to go to a next sale, our car was frozen over. I put my husbands coat on (big north face puffa) as I was scraping the ice of the car I put my hand in the pocket. I found a letter that turned my whole life around.
It Read, I have waited for you for 2 years, that is all I read. I went for a walk to the bank are withdrew as much money as I could and went home. ( probably 7am) I then went upstairs he was still in bed and very calmly said time for you to go. He was shocked. Then I screamed and shouted and he went. He went straight to the other women who he worked with.
I was so utterly broken that my life was not real for 2 years. I Filled for divorce and going through all the financial stuff I found out he purchased 2 spa days, one for her one for me. Flowers on valentines day one for me one for her.
I thought something was wrong, but he denied everything. The other woman even parked outside my house watching me before I realised what was going on.
It's really hard for me to read your post and I totally understand the hell you are going through. PLEASE, end your relationship with him. It will bring you so much more pain and heartache if you stay. Better to be free and move on.
I am sending you so much love and strength. and as I write this l am crying for you and the hurt you must feel.
From me that has been through this and too you. Please leave him.
Never got up early to go to a Next sale ever again
Lots of love. xx

 

[Lurker4751]

Hi ladies,

Just wanted to check in on you all and update you on my situation... I mentioned earlier in this thread that I felt the same way as the OP... And I left my boyfriend!!!! A month ago I moved across the country to a new home, got myself a new job with a promotion and honestly couldn't be happier! To every one of you thinking you can't do this... YOU CAN! I did it, broke up during lockdown and made it to the other side and you guys can too

 

[Dollydiamond85]

Thank you everyone. It's over. I feel like a weights been lifted of my shoulders (I've had my suspicions for a while, now I know I was right all along) x

 

[Annie101]

I feel the same. My husband of 2 years is an recovering alcoholic, stopped drinking 6 months ago. I am so proud of him to have the courage to attend his AA meetings and to stay sober, but i feel lost and lonely as he has forgotten about me in the process. I suffered through his addiction for 10 years, and now I am nothing

 

[Lurker4751]

Congratulations! Huge big first step. I've always said it's better to be single than with the wrong person. And if you don't want to be single, I doubt you will be for long as you'll find somebody who ticks all your boxes. Was OH suprised? Did he feel the same? X

Thank you he was quite surprised but did the whole 'everything's your fault, you're controlling, I've been on tinder anyway' standard narcissistic emotional abuse stuff which just confirmed my decision more than ever! I think he was surprised that I was strong enough to stand my ground and be the one to call it a day. I honestly feel so free, I have been keeping so busy learning lots of new skills and trying things during lockdown (painting, bread baking, knitting, foraging on walks etc- I promise im 30 ) which has been great and am just genuinely feeling like a huge weight has been lifted. Not looking for anyone right now, I'm enjoying just being me and falling back in love with myself! Thank you for your kind words xxx

 

[marlaxo]

I left a relationship of 7 years on the 26th of December 2019. We weren't married and didnt have kids but were literally one signature away from buying a house. The sale was agreed. Everything was done. Only for our Solicitor taking early holidays for Christmas I would have been committed to a mortgage with this guy.

The final straw after years of putting up with him was getting a call from him on Christmas Day listing 6 points of how I needed to change (clean the house more, be more focused on him than my family etc) and then he finished this rant with telling me he had met up with his ex girlfriend and planned to meet up with her again. This girl among the many that I had discovered him to be text flirting with in the early days of our relationship.

He was unemployed for a lot of our relationship and I would come home from work everyday to find him sitting on the couch playing xbox - the dog would be absolutely bouncing off the walls because she hadnt been walked. Everytime I put my key in the door after a days work I felt as though I was about to start a nightmare shift.

Reading all of the comments on this thread has just shown me how happy I am that I left him and everything else behind. I took the dog, my personal documents and clothes and never went back. As scary as it is to be 31 and now not sure if I will get to have kids or meet someone else I am so so happy I didnt stay with him.

As cliche as it is you are so much better off on your own than with someone who makes you not like yourself. I could not imagine being stuck with my ex during this lockdown period and my heart goes out to all of you that are in that situation.

I think everyone here needs to hear that you can manage on your own. You already are managing on your own. Just imagine how much easier it will be without the dead weight in the relationship constantly dragging you down, making you question yourself, thinking you are the problem.... The sooner you leave an unhappy relationship the sooner life gets better xx

This just brought back an awful memory!

Me and my husband have been together now for 14 years, married for 6. We brought our first house together in summer 2018 . I was working at a solicitors at the time dealing with property and there were so many purchases that fell through that I naturally felt quite anxious about my purchase. My husband didn't say anything until the day it completed. They let me finish work early to pick up the keys, and I met him at the new house. As I put the key in the door he blurted out that he thinks he has made a huge mistake buying this house with me as he doesn't love me anymore, that I was always worried about something and that I was not the person he married. That he had held it in since I was pregnant hoping it would get better. It was soooo awful. Our parents turned up shortly afterward to have a snoop and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but he said not to say anything.

After about a week of constant back and forth arguments about how this all came about, I noticed his phone was going off all the time and he said he was talking to his friends. I found out he was meeting two women for lunch every single day at work and going to cafes, parks, pubs etc but he never told me as he said he knew I would just be jealous. One day during these arguments he had skived off work and went to a country park with one of these women and didn't get home till midnight. Then he admitted that he wanted an open relationship as I was very prude and conservative (I totally am but I've been that way for the whole 14 years I've not changed) and he wanted to try new experiences with different types of women, and to be able to chat other women up without feeling guilty. When I said that the thought of it sickened me he said he could maybe do it, or visit paid women, and not tell me so that I wouldn't be upset about it!

We separated for a month but stayed in the house as we had literally just brought it and was moving in. We are now back together as I cannot face the prospect of not living with my little boy 24/7 as my husband said he would definitely fight for 50/50 contact at a minimum. I feel like a fool for staying and my friends and family make it clear I am one (and I lost my best friend in the process). So well done for all of these women who have the courage to start again!! I don't.

 

[Bumblebee]

I’m still working but my husband is at home all day now. He walks the dog for an hour and then watches tv all day! Like literally all day.
I’ve had a WFH day today and I woke up at 6.30 to get a start before everyone got up.
Nice peace and quiet. Say with my laptop working. He comes down at 8 and turn the tv on. Goes outside for a cigarette so I turn the tv off. He comes back in and turns it on.
dd comes down has breakfast and starts school work she asks him to turn the tv down. She’s two rooms away but can still hear the tv.
he starts complaining as I say I can’t walk the dog at 10 as I have work that needs doing by 12 so will go in thr afternoon. He takes dog out in a sulk With dd. Leaving the tv on.
I tune it off. The second he walks through the door he turns the tv on. Before he’s washed his hands and put anti bac gel on!!
Tv is still on and was on throughout dinner.

I come home from work and walk through the door. I don’t get hi love how’s your day been or even a hello. It’s what’s for dinner. I don’t bloody know. You’ve been in all day. 52yr old man, 18yr old man (who’s working online courses for his uni course) and 14yr old dd who is having online lessons from school. I’ve been at work all day and yet I’m supposed to do the shopping either on my one day off or on my way home from work.
he doesn’t drive but could walk to the supermarket and shop and I could pick him up on the way home.
I knew he was lazy before this but the fact he was the first person to volunteer to be furloughed despite us only just moving into a new house a few months ago and now just sat doing nothing all day.
he will clean but it’s what I call a Surface clean
Ie he will vacuum but doesn’t pull the sofas out or do the stairs. Or upstairs! He will clean the bathroom but it’s a quick wipe over the bath and sink but never the tiles. I could go on and on.
I think it’s respect and I’ve lost that for him.

 

[BoredHousewifeSince2007]

Oh my goodness I couldn't scroll past and not say anything.
You are being emotionally abused to believe that the physical abuse he is inflicting on you is your fault. This is 100% violent behaviour, think--if another human being did this to one of your children would you say it was their fault because they 'wound the person up'?!

Please make arrangements and leave. As soon as you are safe call the police and report what he has done. If you are struggling to leave safely, call the police and they will help you. Echoing what others have said you should also contact women's aid.

Please let us know you are safe, I am worried for you xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your concern; it means so much to realise that I am not bringing this on myself for being ‘difficult’. I slept with my youngest last night under the pretence that he was poorly so my husband slept on the sofa and I went to see (virtually) a matrimonial solicitor who will begin separation proceedings on Wednesday. Honestly, thank you all

 

[Lurker4751]

I left my husband three years ago, aged 31, after being together for ten years in total, and living unhappily with him for the last two years of the marriage. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I had stayed with him in the current situation, I really sympathise with all of you that are stuck but please don’t stay just because you think you won’t find someone else! I have now met someone who is amazing, we are locked down together and there’s no one in the world I’d rather be with.

I love this thank you. I have spoken with OH and have called it a day. We are still living in the same house (due to lockdown) but that's it now. Scary times but feel oddly free xxx

 

[Annie101]

I feel embarrassed posting this on here, but since my private life is a secret from friends/family I have nowhere to go. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery for 9 months. The drinking problem went on for nearly 10 years and I had a very hard time dealing with it. He is yet at the stage of recovery admitting his problem to me and/or apologising what I went through for that period. He now stopped drinking, goes to AA meetings and I am proud of him sticking with it. However his behaviour has not changed. Last night I come home from work, I have been back at work as an essential worker for the past 4 weeks. He has been in lockdown for 3 months now. I work 12 hours a day, get home and start cooking. Walk to him, kiss him hello and he is on the couch, does not acknowledge me etc. Last week he asked me to spend more time with him when I get home from work, rather than just starting to do my house chores. So I sit down with him, tried a conversation with him, but he closes his eyes and ignores me. So I get up, getting food ready and went to our bedroom. He storms into the room a little later, tell me I am a horrible person isolating myself from people in general and I quote "fuck this shit" and walk out. I let it be, continue on and he comes back. He stands in front of me. I feel like a child in front of the school headmaster for fucking up. He questions me about my poor attitude, asks me why I am sensitive all in his normal shouting way. I don't know what to say, because most of the accusations doesn't make sense to me. I start crying and I am not a crier. I feel intimidated by this man hovering over me finger in my face, accusing me that I am wrong about everything I do or say. My heart breaks into little pieces because I thought recovery will change him. That I wont be his target to get out any frustrations and listen how bad I am, whilst I was emotionally abused for nearly 10 years. I have never felt as lonely, sad, and honestly not worthy. I serve his meal on his lap, have a bath and go and sleep in the spare bedroom. In bed i lay there wishing that my life can end, that i want to fall asleep and not wake up. Is this my past, present and future. i cannot do this. Am i what he tells me i am.

 

[Girlinabubble]

Could have written this post myself... I just dont know what to do. I have been with my husband for 15 years in august and I just feel like were two friends living together now. We haven't had sex in around 18 months and I know this as it was when we conceived our 2nd daughter... he makes 0 effort with me.

I dont even feel like he wants to be with me anymore and the arguing between us is just crazy...

The whole thing bloody terrifies me

If it’s any help I could have written this 30 years ago. My friends who were in similar marriages and left their husbands are all in happy relationships now . I couldn’t let go of that ideal family life in my head and now 40 years later I’ve let it go finally. I don’t regret my life as my 3 children had a wonderful childhood but now it’s my life and I’m excited at the possibilties which is a wonderful feeling at nearly 60! Who knows I may even have a kiss - that alone has been 20 years since!

 

[Essexgal]

I'm 43, have 2 young kids, been married almost 8 years and it's both our second marriages. He's been a secret alcoholic for most of our marriage. I found out last year. I get hardly any help from him in all aspects including doing everything for the kids.

He's not been working since end of last year. He constantly puts me down, accuses me of seeing other men, like I have time to!! Bombards me with texts saying I'm not trying , why am I always angry, when I'm actually shattered.

He disappears, and I don't know where he is or who with. No support from him when I get my cancer scare earlier this year.

We've had marriage counselling twice. He didn't want to hear or follow advice that was given. He blames me for not letting go of the past. But it's the current situation that is bad.

And now with lockdown, he's been going out every single day. I don't know where. It can be for 10 hours he's gone. I'm left with the kids, as usual, but doing home schooling plus the endless house work.

He'll starts arguements in front of the kids. I actually called the police because he wouldn't stop taunting me and now social services are involved.

I'm fed up and am filing for a divorce.

 

[Instawhut!]

I genuinely feel relieved to read this thread, i am so sorry for all you lovely people having a rubbish time/or have gone through hard times, but you are not alone, i feel exactly the same. Im a key worker 40hrs a week still do all the cooking cleaning and dog walking my oh of almost 11 years doesnt lift a finger all day long. Either gaming or watching tv. Hes like a 15 year old in a 32 yr old body. Im 30 this year and ive realised that life is too short. Im terrified to be on my own and i will have to get financial help from family and take a second job to pay the bills. But i cannot stand being made to feel like i am not good enough any longer. Sorry for ranting but feel much better and so grateful to see people living better lives x

 

[17betty92]

I have been with my husband for nearly 4 years, we split a while ago but got back together. We have children together and I am pretty much a single parent to them, I am left to do everything around the house while he spends hours and hours every single day gaming and this lockdown has left me feeling lonelier than ever. He verbally abuses me on a daily basis and I am so desperate to leave him.

 

[Uhhhhhmazing]

I am in a similar situation so I totally feel all of you. My oh plays games ALL day. (From eyes open to eyes shut) I am wfh and he is literally playing all the time. I keep asking him to stop for a bit so we can spend time together he says “ok” then goes straight back. We have been together 5 years and the last 2 years it’s got worse. We haven’t been intimate in well over a year. He doesn’t speak to or listen to me. I’m so lonely. I keep trying to talk about it and get told I’m moaning or controlling.
I’m soo scared to leave as I cannot afford everything on my own. I am 35 and feel I’m too old to start the dating thing again and just feel generally shit. Sorry to moan on this post but it’s the only place I can as I feel so alone. Xx

Sorry you are going through this! Can I just tell you that 35 is so not old to start dating and do it all again! I’d met complete douche bags my whole life. Was so jealous of others being happy and having children. When my cousin who is 10 years younger than me got Married and pregnant (and said she wanted to get married young because she didn’t want to end up like me) I had some sort of breakdown. I changed my whole mindset. Anyway At the age of 38 I met a man who was so not my usual type! Went on our second date to confirmhe wasn’t for me but ended up having a lovely time! 9 months later I was pregnant, had her 8 weeks before I was 40, she’s nearly 2 and we got engaged 2 weeks ago! You are never to old to be happy! Xx

 

[Raininvain]

This just brought back an awful memory!

Me and my husband have been together now for 14 years, married for 6. We brought our first house together in summer 2018 . I was working at a solicitors at the time dealing with property and there were so many purchases that fell through that I naturally felt quite anxious about my purchase. My husband didn't say anything until the day it completed. They let me finish work early to pick up the keys, and I met him at the new house. As I put the key in the door he blurted out that he thinks he has made a huge mistake buying this house with me as he doesn't love me anymore, that I was always worried about something and that I was not the person he married. That he had held it in since I was pregnant hoping it would get better. It was soooo awful. Our parents turned up shortly afterward to have a snoop and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but he said not to say anything.

After about a week of constant back and forth arguments about how this all came about, I noticed his phone was going off all the time and he said he was talking to his friends. I found out he was meeting two women for lunch every single day at work and going to cafes, parks, pubs etc but he never told me as he said he knew I would just be jealous. One day during these arguments he had skived off work and went to a country park with one of these women and didn't get home till midnight. Then he admitted that he wanted an open relationship as I was very prude and conservative (I totally am but I've been that way for the whole 14 years I've not changed) and he wanted to try new experiences with different types of women, and to be able to chat other women up without feeling guilty. When I said that the thought of it sickened me he said he could maybe do it, or visit paid women, and not tell me so that I wouldn't be upset about it!

We separated for a month but stayed in the house as we had literally just brought it and was moving in. We are now back together as I cannot face the prospect of not living with my little boy 24/7 as my husband said he would definitely fight for 50/50 contact at a minimum. I feel like a fool for staying and my friends and family make it clear I am one (and I lost my best friend in the process). So well done for all of these women who have the courage to start again!! I don't.

.

Strewth!, its never too late to leave a cunt like this. A man I worked with, his Mum left her husband when she was in her 70s and she was pressured badly by the rest of the family to stay with him. She refused point blank and said that she wanted her half of the money tied up in the house to travel the world then go on yoga retreats etc and spent time with friends. She said there was no way she was being stuck with him any longer she hated him and wasnt going to look after him either!. She did leave. Could you go for therapy to help you work through things? your self esteem will be on the floor with him.

 

[Dogtanian]

At the risk of sounding like a traitor to my gender, any man who is still a gamer after being married and reaching 30 years old is either a manchild or probably just a slob (or a combination of both).

 

[Slec1]

I’ve never posted on this website before but feel like I’m at my wits end and just looking for a bit of advice. Also, I apologise if this isn’t the best thread to be posting this on but it’s the closest I could find to my issue.

I don’t want to alarm family or friends by asking them for advice as it may be me overreacting, but I doubt it.

I have been with my partner (fiance) for nearly 7 years (no kids). I am 28 and he is 29. We own a house together (for the past 2 years) and one of the rooms (our meant to be dining room) is his gaming room. Allowing him to have a gaming room was the worst decision I’ve ever made. He works part time and is a key worker, so is still going to work 5 days a week although his job is anything but stressful. Once his job is done it’s done and he doesn’t have to think about it until the following day. I on the other hand work full time in quite a fast paced, demanding and stressful job and am currently working from home 4 days a week (full time hours, condensed into 4 days due to a medical issue). Anyway, my partner is coming in from work any time between 1-3pm and jumps straight on his PS4 and talks ‘online’ to his friends. I am upstairs in my office working which includes Microsoft Team meetings/conference calls and all I can hear is him talking absolute crap on his gaming and it drives me mad. I can honestly hear the grass grow so shutting doors etc doesn’t block out the sound. I asked him today if he could hold off going online on his PS4 until I’ve finished work and he went off on one, saying I’m being controlling. I asked him for a bit of respect but he just went back on his PS4. Am I being unreasonable?? Also, just to add I’m classed as vulnerable so have to shield for 3 months so I cannot even leave the house to go on a walk (to get a bit of head space) which is also driving me mad as I know me working from home will most likely go on for a long time.



On another note (sorry, this will be a long message), I am absolutely sick of his gaming. He is never off it, and I mean never. It’s actually gotten to the point we schedule each night what time he will come upstairs to watch tv with me. He’ll be like “will I come up at 9pm?” which makes it feel more like a chore (him having to spend time with me) as I know he’d rather be on his PS4. I know every couple needs their own space and time to enjoy their own interests/hobbies but we hardly ever spend any time together due to his gaming. Why should my life revolve around him and his gaming?!! He is 30 in August and it’s about time he grows up. I do tell him this and it causes A LOT of arguments. There are times it gets VERY heated and he becomes quite aggressive with name calling etc. His most recent insult is calling me a lazy bitch/cow/ar**hole when I’m the one keeping the house going not just financially but with cleaning etc (I have cleaning OCD which also causes arguments - plus I’m anything but lazy). I am no angel myself and do shout back at him, I can give as good as I get although not every time as I don’t have the energy anymore as nothing is ever resolved (his gaming has wrongly became the new normal). He basically calls me controlling and says “would you rather I was in the pub each night?” - that’s always his comeback. Sometimes I wish he was in the pub as at least there is a closing time!! It feels like he is a child and I’m the adult and it shouldn’t be like this. I also feel like I cannot speak to him about this at times because all his friends can hear what we’re discussing (arguing) about as he has his headset on, and makes out to them that I’m a maniac when quite frankly it’s none of their business. Please tell me there are other women who have men like this? If so, what do/did you do?