Anyone else planning on asking for divorce as soon lockdown is over?

[JoeBloggs]

My husband is a gamer, he turned 30 earlier this year. We’ve been together for 10 years and to be honest for the first six years he never gamed. When we moved into our house we had a spare bedroom that he turned into a man cave, it was meant to be for his album writing as he is a Musician part time. But it’s become a games room I’ve expressed my concerns with him paying so much especially in the evenings when the kids are in bed and I just have to sit downstairs watching telly I’ve made it clear that once this is over and we can go out more things I’ve got to change. I appreciate at the moment there is little for us to do we can’t go out we can’t see people can’t do things as a couple so I’m giving him a bit of leyway. But I feel as infuriating as you and if anyone has any tips I’d be grateful as I’m not prepared to spend my life with someone who just wants to play games and ignore the family. He can be absolutely wonderful when he plays games it’s like he’s someone else.

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you. I really appreciate your response. You’re right in everything you say and the fact you have a 6 year old that you monitor playing his computer games and notice too much of it can change his behaviour is such a good point. It does change their behaviour (although probably even more so in a grown man though). Thanks again

I may look into signs too much though as my ex was abusive.
He needs to realise there is 2 of you in a relationship not gaming too.
Have you asked him if he can have days when gaming is off limits?
While the weather is nice surely the last thing he wants to do is game?

 

[Slec1]

I have two teenage sons who play on a playstation/xbox and it drives me mad as even with headphones on they shout so much and get aggressive with who they're playing with. They've gone from two kids who used to love been outside and one particularly sporty to just been obsessed with gaming and wanting to stay in. I've noticed a big personality change in my younger son since he started gaming.

However, I do find it odd that MEN are still gaming! I'm not sure I could cope if my husband was a gamer too! But there is always something about a partner that annoys us. Before we married, my husband didn't have much time for me due to a sport he played that took him around the country and I felt like he put that before me (he said he didn't). Once we bought a house together, I fell pregnant quite quickly (unplanned) and once our baby came along he was still going away most weekends and it pissed me off. We had huge arguments about it and I told him he was selfish and living his life like a single bloke and that he had a responsibility now and he needed to man up. He did give up his sport. For a while I felt that everytime we argued he would throw it in my face that I made him give it up but he didn't.

I think you're right in that your boyfriend needs to grow up. I would sit him down and explain how you feel and probably give him some kind of ultimatum.

Thank you for taking the time to respond me to me. That’s interesting that you say you’ve noticed a personality change in your son since playing online gaming. This must be a common thing. I think gaming does more damage than we think.

I can completely understand where you’re coming from with your husbands sport. You must have felt like a single parent when he was swanning off all the time fulfilling his interests, when I bet you didn’t have time for your own interests as you were with your child all the time, when he should have also been there. It sounds like he did understand your point eventually though, and I’m so glad things worked out for you both

I will definitely take your advice on board by sitting him down and having a serious chat/ultimatum. Thanks again

 

[toffeejelly]

I’ve never posted on this website before but feel like I’m at my wits end and just looking for a bit of advice. Also, I apologise if this isn’t the best thread to be posting this on but it’s the closest I could find to my issue.

I don’t want to alarm family or friends by asking them for advice as it may be me overreacting, but I doubt it.

I have been with my partner (fiance) for nearly 7 years (no kids). I am 28 and he is 29. We own a house together (for the past 2 years) and one of the rooms (our meant to be dining room) is his gaming room. Allowing him to have a gaming room was the worst decision I’ve ever made. He works part time and is a key worker, so is still going to work 5 days a week although his job is anything but stressful. Once his job is done it’s done and he doesn’t have to think about it until the following day. I on the other hand work full time in quite a fast paced, demanding and stressful job and am currently working from home 4 days a week (full time hours, condensed into 4 days due to a medical issue). Anyway, my partner is coming in from work any time between 1-3pm and jumps straight on his PS4 and talks ‘online’ to his friends. I am upstairs in my office working which includes Microsoft Team meetings/conference calls and all I can hear is him talking absolute crap on his gaming and it drives me mad. I can honestly hear the grass grow so shutting doors etc doesn’t block out the sound. I asked him today if he could hold off going online on his PS4 until I’ve finished work and he went off on one, saying I’m being controlling. I asked him for a bit of respect but he just went back on his PS4. Am I being unreasonable?? Also, just to add I’m classed as vulnerable so have to shield for 3 months so I cannot even leave the house to go on a walk (to get a bit of head space) which is also driving me mad as I know me working from home will most likely go on for a long time.



On another note (sorry, this will be a long message), I am absolutely sick of his gaming. He is never off it, and I mean never. It’s actually gotten to the point we schedule each night what time he will come upstairs to watch tv with me. He’ll be like “will I come up at 9pm?” which makes it feel more like a chore (him having to spend time with me) as I know he’d rather be on his PS4. I know every couple needs their own space and time to enjoy their own interests/hobbies but we hardly ever spend any time together due to his gaming. Why should my life revolve around him and his gaming?!! He is 30 in August and it’s about time he grows up. I do tell him this and it causes A LOT of arguments. There are times it gets VERY heated and he becomes quite aggressive with name calling etc. His most recent insult is calling me a lazy witch/cow/ar**hole when I’m the one keeping the house going not just financially but with cleaning etc (I have cleaning OCD which also causes arguments - plus I’m anything but lazy). I am no angel myself and do shout back at him, I can give as good as I get although not every time as I don’t have the energy anymore as nothing is ever resolved (his gaming has wrongly became the new normal). He basically calls me controlling and says “would you rather I was in the pub each night?” - that’s always his comeback. Sometimes I wish he was in the pub as at least there is a closing time!! It feels like he is a child and I’m the adult and it shouldn’t be like this. I also feel like I cannot speak to him about this at times because all his friends can hear what we’re discussing (arguing) about as he has his headset on, and makes out to them that I’m a maniac when quite frankly it’s none of their business. Please tell me there are other women who have men like this? If so, what do/did you do?

This honestly reminds me so much of my ex. He was the exact same. He worked offshore so whilst he was at home he would sit in the house all day glued to the PS4. He did nothing the whole day, no cleaning, no tidying, even left his lunch plates etc. beside him at the sofa. I would dread pulling up into the drive and opening the front door as I just knew the mess that awaited me. It caused so many arguments, which he would call me the same names as your partner calls you. He would sit up until 2am at least and then finally come to bed. I used to sit upstairs in my own house as he’d be hogging the TV the entire time. We’d never have sex as the PS4 was more important, and if I was to ever make an effort or wear something nice to the bedroom to try and entice him, he’d say he was in the middle of the game etc. Embarrassing really. Anyway to cut a long story short, we ended up splitting up as I decided I deserved more than that. Unfortunately he won’t change.

You have to ask yourself do you really want to be with someone who feels that the PS4 is more important than his partner.

 

[Slec1]

I was with a guy like this for 7 years, we bought a house and the spare room was meant to be a dressing room/spare room but ended up as a games room. Including a ugly gaming chair he built himself (a real seat from a car). I felt like I was living on my own. He proposed thinking it was the right think to do.

I broke up with him 6 months later realising I couldn’t live with someone and feel on my own. He wouldn’t go for lunch, to the beach, leave the house as he’d rather play Xbox.

I was meant to get married September last year, instead I spent my first anniversary with my new boyfriend! If he’s being that inconsiderate and you feel he won’t change then you may be better with someone else more understanding. If you can talk it through that’s great but ultimately you have to do what’s best for you (I’m 30 this year too and my ex is the same from what I’ve been told)

Thank you for replying. He sounds similar to my partner. The DIY gaming chair would have driven me mad haha! I am so glad you found the strength to leave him, and I’m happy you found someone who appreciates you. I must admit, I often think of leaving my partner but as cliche as it sounds, we do have a laugh together (when he isn’t gaming) and aside the gaming our relationship is otherwise fine. It’s so frustrating but I do often wonder ‘what if?’. Anyway I’m glad things worked out well for you and you’re much happier with your new boyfriend. Thanks again

 

[Raininvain]

Sounds like on this thread everyone is working and doing alright for themselves financially so will fairly easily be able to support themselves without these stupid waster men.Just make plans to leave them now then when the CV crisis is over you'll be able to crack on. Its no life to be on your own all the time whilst a partner/husband is on a playstation. You might as well be on your own and see friends and family and dates if you want.

 

[Slec1]

This sounds like a lot . I’ll be honest - it sounds like he isn’t acting like a partner and instead acting like someone you have to parent (to a point). The fact that you’re WORKING and he’s playing yet distracting you by making loads of noise should not descend into an argument imo. It’s basic level of respect to listen to a partner and understand where they’re coming from (in this instance, keeping a roof over the games console!!! ). As for the abuse etc - I don’t think you should tolerate this. It sounds like out and out emotional abuse. If it was me; I would question seriously whether the gaming etc is something I was willing to deal with long term and then go from there about deciding whether the relationship is worth working for . In my experience, online gaming only gets worse over time unless they make a concerted effort to manage time spent doing it.

Thank you for replying You're so right in that he isn't acting like a partner and instead more like someone I have to parent. I feel like what you're saying is exactly what I need to hear. I do think I need to sit him down and have a serious chat, and also think about my own life and what I want etc. It is frightening to hear that in your experience (and others) that gaming only gets worse so I definitely need to get my head out my ar** and do something about this. Thanks again for your response

 

[Bee3]

Thank you for replying. He sounds similar to my partner. The DIY gaming chair would have driven me mad haha! I am so glad you found the strength to leave him, and I’m happy you found someone who appreciates you. I must admit, I often think of leaving my partner but as cliche as it sounds, we do have a laugh together (when he isn’t gaming) and aside the gaming our relationship is otherwise fine. It’s so frustrating but I do often wonder ‘what if?’. Anyway I’m glad things worked out well for you and you’re much happier with your new boyfriend. Thanks again

You should have seen it, I painted it white to try and make it slightly better I completely understand, we spoke about it in length but it didn’t change. In the end I resented him and felt like his mum and everything annoyed me! I think there’s always a what if but have a good talk about it and try to see each other’s side and it might get better. Good luck I hope you get it sorted x

 

[Slec1]

My husband is a gamer, he turned 30 earlier this year. We’ve been together for 10 years and to be honest for the first six years he never gamed. When we moved into our house we had a spare bedroom that he turned into a man cave, it was meant to be for his album writing as he is a Musician part time. But it’s become a games room I’ve expressed my concerns with him paying so much especially in the evenings when the kids are in bed and I just have to sit downstairs watching telly I’ve made it clear that once this is over and we can go out more things I’ve got to change. I appreciate at the moment there is little for us to do we can’t go out we can’t see people can’t do things as a couple so I’m giving him a bit of leyway. But I feel as infuriating as you and if anyone has any tips I’d be grateful as I’m not prepared to spend my life with someone who just wants to play games and ignore the family. He can be absolutely wonderful when he plays games it’s like he’s someone else.

Thanks for responding. It's comforting (in a selfish way) to know I'm not alone in this and there are in fact other 30 year old boys men like my partner. Everything you're saying rings true with me and it must be so much worse having kids in the mix. I hope things work out for you and your partner and he realises that so much gaming is simply pathetic and appreciates you and your children together x

I may look into signs too much though as my ex was abusive.
He needs to realise there is 2 of you in a relationship not gaming too.
Have you asked him if he can have days when gaming is off limits?
While the weather is nice surely the last thing he wants to do is game?

Thank you for replying I am glad you're looking into signs 'too much' (you're really not) as I feel like I do have to take a step back and analyse the situation by asking myself if he is being abusive.

Yes, I've asked him to have days off and to be honest there are days he hasn't gamed, although he still sits in his gaming room watching TV so there is also an issue whereby he won't leave his gaming/TV room. We have a livingroom/lounge and I can count on both hands the amount of times he's actually sat in it with me in the 2 years we've lived together. He does have mild autism which he uses to his advantage.

Trying to get him outside on a nice day is a chore, as his job is outside so he sees being inside his down time. I do manage to drag him out when the weather is nice but I know he'd rather be elsewhere.

Thanks again for your response

You should have seen it, I painted it white to try and make it slightly better I completely understand, we spoke about it in length but it didn’t change. In the end I resented him and felt like his mum and everything annoyed me! I think there’s always a what if but have a good talk about it and try to see each other’s side and it might get better. Good luck I hope you get it sorted x

Haha aww that must have been a nightmare I totally get what you mean about his mum. What is it about men and their mums? Awww thanks for your advice, it's much appreciated x

 

[GiftedNotFree]

You are most definitely not alone in this! I’ve heard so many similar stories. On a more positive note... one of my friends issued her long term boyfriend an ultimatum about gaming about 5 years ago. Kind of similar to a lot of the anecdotes here - it was all consuming, it came first over everything else whereas my friend had other things she done for hobbies (being outdoors etc!) and in the end he gave up gaming because I think he recognised it was verging on compulsive / addictive. They are still together now and he hasn’t gamed since and they are such a good couple

 

[Slec1]

This honestly reminds me so much of my ex. He was the exact same. He worked offshore so whilst he was at home he would sit in the house all day glued to the PS4. He did nothing the whole day, no cleaning, no tidying, even left his lunch plates etc. beside him at the sofa. I would dread pulling up into the drive and opening the front door as I just knew the mess that awaited me. It caused so many arguments, which he would call me the same names as your partner calls you. He would sit up until 2am at least and then finally come to bed. I used to sit upstairs in my own house as he’d be hogging the TV the entire time. We’d never have sex as the PS4 was more important, and if I was to ever make an effort or wear something nice to the bedroom to try and entice him, he’d say he was in the middle of the game etc. Embarrassing really. Anyway to cut a long story short, we ended up splitting up as I decided I deserved more than that. Unfortunately he won’t change.

You have to ask yourself do you really want to be with someone who feels that the PS4 is more important than his partner.

Thank you for replying It's interesting like everyone else's responses that he is your ex. You definitely done the right thing in getting rid of him. he sounds like he was a right lazy bast**d although it does sound similar to my situation. I'm so glad you left him as he sounds like he did not deserve you one bit. I will definitely have to take a step back and definitely think hard about this. I know I deserve better. Thanks again for your advice

 

[Motherpuffin]

I’ve never posted on this website before but feel like I’m at my wits end and just looking for a bit of advice. Also, I apologise if this isn’t the best thread to be posting this on but it’s the closest I could find to my issue.

I don’t want to alarm family or friends by asking them for advice as it may be me overreacting, but I doubt it.

I have been with my partner (fiance) for nearly 7 years (no kids). I am 28 and he is 29. We own a house together (for the past 2 years) and one of the rooms (our meant to be dining room) is his gaming room. Allowing him to have a gaming room was the worst decision I’ve ever made. He works part time and is a key worker, so is still going to work 5 days a week although his job is anything but stressful. Once his job is done it’s done and he doesn’t have to think about it until the following day. I on the other hand work full time in quite a fast paced, demanding and stressful job and am currently working from home 4 days a week (full time hours, condensed into 4 days due to a medical issue). Anyway, my partner is coming in from work any time between 1-3pm and jumps straight on his PS4 and talks ‘online’ to his friends. I am upstairs in my office working which includes Microsoft Team meetings/conference calls and all I can hear is him talking absolute crap on his gaming and it drives me mad. I can honestly hear the grass grow so shutting doors etc doesn’t block out the sound. I asked him today if he could hold off going online on his PS4 until I’ve finished work and he went off on one, saying I’m being controlling. I asked him for a bit of respect but he just went back on his PS4. Am I being unreasonable?? Also, just to add I’m classed as vulnerable so have to shield for 3 months so I cannot even leave the house to go on a walk (to get a bit of head space) which is also driving me mad as I know me working from home will most likely go on for a long time.



On another note (sorry, this will be a long message), I am absolutely sick of his gaming. He is never off it, and I mean never. It’s actually gotten to the point we schedule each night what time he will come upstairs to watch tv with me. He’ll be like “will I come up at 9pm?” which makes it feel more like a chore (him having to spend time with me) as I know he’d rather be on his PS4. I know every couple needs their own space and time to enjoy their own interests/hobbies but we hardly ever spend any time together due to his gaming. Why should my life revolve around him and his gaming?!! He is 30 in August and it’s about time he grows up. I do tell him this and it causes A LOT of arguments. There are times it gets VERY heated and he becomes quite aggressive with name calling etc. His most recent insult is calling me a lazy witch/cow/ar**hole when I’m the one keeping the house going not just financially but with cleaning etc (I have cleaning OCD which also causes arguments - plus I’m anything but lazy). I am no angel myself and do shout back at him, I can give as good as I get although not every time as I don’t have the energy anymore as nothing is ever resolved (his gaming has wrongly became the new normal). He basically calls me controlling and says “would you rather I was in the pub each night?” - that’s always his comeback. Sometimes I wish he was in the pub as at least there is a closing time!! It feels like he is a child and I’m the adult and it shouldn’t be like this. I also feel like I cannot speak to him about this at times because all his friends can hear what we’re discussing (arguing) about as he has his headset on, and makes out to them that I’m a maniac when quite frankly it’s none of their business. Please tell me there are other women who have men like this? If so, what do/did you do?

I haven’t posted on this thread before, but I wanted to add an extra perspective into this. Your partners behaviour sounds unacceptable, and I agree with the other advice you’ve had. But I wanted to add that a family member of mine is on his xbox loads and has a bunch of online friends. We were really cynical of these ‘friends’ but they’ve turned into his best friends who haveseen him through loads of huge life events and we met some at his wedding and they were not the lunatics we thought they’d be so do consider that he might feel like he’s hanging out with all of his friends rather than strangers. However, I think you need to consider seriously if he is ever going to compromise on a hobby to spend time with you, family and other friends. It soundsdraining and I really hope you can resolve it.

 

[Slec1]

I haven’t posted on this thread before, but I wanted to add an extra perspective into this. Your partners behaviour sounds unacceptable, and I agree with the other advice you’ve had. But I wanted to add that a family member of mine is on his xbox loads and has a bunch of online friends. We were really cynical of these ‘friends’ but they’ve turned into his best friends who haveseen him through loads of huge life events and we met some at his wedding and they were not the lunatics we thought they’d be so do consider that he might feel like he’s hanging out with all of his friends rather than strangers. However, I think you need to consider seriously if he is ever going to compromise on a hobby to spend time with you, family and other friends. It soundsdraining and I really hope you can resolve it.

Thank you for replying His behaviour is unacceptable and things will have to change. Haha that’s interesting! At least the online friends turned out to be decent. I should have been more clear in saying that my partners friends online are actually his real life best friends. Thanks again for your advice

 

[The Devils Arse]

I'm another gaming widow. Sat here like a lemon on the sofa. Again. And if he isnt gaming he is on his phone on their gaming channel, gaming what's app, etc. Drives me bonkers. I've wanted to throw that damn computer out of the window many a time. On and he is 36. So they don't get any better with age. I sent him a text once saying he owed me £100 for every hour he spent on his pc. Didnt go down to well

 

[LittleMy]

Sorry, just been reading your posts, and it’s struck me how common this issue about men and gaming actually is. My husband is the same. We can usually compromise on how much time and when, but lately it’s turning out more arguments than usual. Due to lockdown and him being between jobs at the time, he’s currently at home with the children (4 and 2), and I work night shifts in a care home. On the nights that I’m at work, he will play his PS4 once the kids are in bed (8ish) and that will be him until the early hours of the morning. I’ve told him I’ve no issue with this as long as he’s still managing fine with the kids.

On my nights off however, he will disappear upstairs while I watch whatever on TV for about an hour, and instead of suggesting we watch something together, he will sit around obviously “waiting” for me to get tired and go to bed so that he can jump on the PS4. He’s very screen orientated (aren’t we all), and never has his phone out of his hand.

I’ve spoken to him countless times about it and asked him to put the phone down and engage, especially with the children as he will often ignore them in favour of whatever he’s doing on his phone (usually reading something about his video games of looking at memes). Our children are on the spectrum so I feel more than ever that he needs to cut down his screen time and give them his full attention as it can be so difficult to engage them at the best of times.

He was very upfront when we first got together about how much he gamed, which didn’t bother me as when we spent time together he was invested in us and what we were doing, even when we started living together. I get that lockdown is hard for everyone,I do, but I feel that he’s taking the piss with it now because he doesn’t have the responsibility of going out to work anymore. I am in no way shaming him for being at home with the children (prior to lockdown I’d been a SAHM for almost 4 years so I understand how hard it is), I just feel that he would rather be sat in front of a screen than spending time with me and sometimes even the children too.

I go to work and come home, sleep for a bit, clean up and spend time with our boys, then feel that I’m expected to make myself scarce so that he can play his games. While I’m not in the mindset of wanting a divorce, if things carry on in this way then it could become a possibility. I have told him all of this and tried to be rational, but while he will start making an effort for a bit, he does revert back again. I really think gaming is a big issue. A lot of males in my family/friend circles are the same way with it, including my own brother.

Sorry for the long-winded rant. Had to get it off my chest as I’ve had nobody else to vent to about it. Just to add, we’re both in our early 30s.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I feel you @Buzzbee.

I'm WFH but very part time because I am currently not being paid, so as my husband is working full time in a food retailer I am giving him some slack. But I have made it very clear, once this is over we need to do things and I'm not spending the rest of my life down here while he plays upstairs. He does comprimise and we do have evenings together, he has anxiety and mild depression with alcohol issues so I don't want to push him one way or another during this time. Once we are back to normal however, I will be up at 5:30, working long hours and I will not be so understanding!

 

[Bellaboo83]

This just brought back an awful memory!

Me and my husband have been together now for 14 years, married for 6. We brought our first house together in summer 2018 . I was working at a solicitors at the time dealing with property and there were so many purchases that fell through that I naturally felt quite anxious about my purchase. My husband didn't say anything until the day it completed. They let me finish work early to pick up the keys, and I met him at the new house. As I put the key in the door he blurted out that he thinks he has made a huge mistake buying this house with me as he doesn't love me anymore, that I was always worried about something and that I was not the person he married. That he had held it in since I was pregnant hoping it would get better. It was soooo awful. Our parents turned up shortly afterward to have a snoop and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but he said not to say anything.

After about a week of constant back and forth arguments about how this all came about, I noticed his phone was going off all the time and he said he was talking to his friends. I found out he was meeting two women for lunch every single day at work and going to cafes, parks, pubs etc but he never told me as he said he knew I would just be jealous. One day during these arguments he had skived off work and went to a country park with one of these women and didn't get home till midnight. Then he admitted that he wanted an open relationship as I was very prude and conservative (I totally am but I've been that way for the whole 14 years I've not changed) and he wanted to try new experiences with different types of women, and to be able to chat other women up without feeling guilty. When I said that the thought of it sickened me he said he could maybe do it, or visit paid women, and not tell me so that I wouldn't be upset about it!

We separated for a month but stayed in the house as we had literally just brought it and was moving in. We are now back together as I cannot face the prospect of not living with my little boy 24/7 as my husband said he would definitely fight for 50/50 contact at a minimum. I feel like a fool for staying and my friends and family make it clear I am one (and I lost my best friend in the process). So well done for all of these women who have the courage to start again!! I don't.

I couldn't not respond when I read this, I hope you are okay. Does he have lots of money to go through the family courts to fight you for so much custody? Even if he had the money, I'm sure it would be highly unusual for them to grant him 50 / 50 or more custody, a young child needs their mum and if you were already offering what you and your child could cope with I don't think he would get far. Try to speak to a solicitor (you can get free initial advice), give them all the details and actually ascertain where you would stand in regards to his threats, so you're not staying with the man needlessly. Don't forget to tell them how he is blackmailing you to stay in this manner.

I've just (last week) come out of a 10 year toxic on /off relationship, there were issues with his porn addiction, his sport addiction (he spent 7 days a week out playing it, and he said it would always come above me), he messaged other women, including one after we found out I was pregnant with my youngest and he wanted to meet her for coffee to discuss his woes. He actually finished our relationship last week saying he was ready for a new chapter without me. Even though it was the shittyest of relationships I still feel broken, I've had to take time off work, and spent a lot of the last week in tears (. BUT I do know it's going to, eventually, be for the best.

I hope you can find some strength to find your happiness when you are ready

 

[Sootyandtheboy]

I have been with my husband for nearly 4 years, we split a while ago but got back together. We have children together and I am pretty much a single parent to them, I am left to do everything around the house while he spends hours and hours every single day gaming and this lockdown has left me feeling lonelier than ever. He verbally abuses me on a daily basis and I am so desperate to leave him.

I’ve only just found this thread but wanted to say in am in the same boat as you! My partner is a gamer all he does is play games all day and watch other people play too. We don’t have sex , he pleases himself and I’m left to sort the three boys we have , keep the house tidy make sure everything is sorted out. I’ve been with him for almost 10 years now(we are both 26) and I feel like I am ready to move on without him. I’m so miserable. He pays me no attention, even tells me to not touch him?! I fantasise about being with someone else. But I’m too scared to leave and can’t see myself ever doing it.

 

[Welsh1]

This just brought back an awful memory!

Me and my husband have been together now for 14 years, married for 6. We brought our first house together in summer 2018 . I was working at a solicitors at the time dealing with property and there were so many purchases that fell through that I naturally felt quite anxious about my purchase. My husband didn't say anything until the day it completed. They let me finish work early to pick up the keys, and I met him at the new house. As I put the key in the door he blurted out that he thinks he has made a huge mistake buying this house with me as he doesn't love me anymore, that I was always worried about something and that I was not the person he married. That he had held it in since I was pregnant hoping it would get better. It was soooo awful. Our parents turned up shortly afterward to have a snoop and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but he said not to say anything.

After about a week of constant back and forth arguments about how this all came about, I noticed his phone was going off all the time and he said he was talking to his friends. I found out he was meeting two women for lunch every single day at work and going to cafes, parks, pubs etc but he never told me as he said he knew I would just be jealous. One day during these arguments he had skived off work and went to a country park with one of these women and didn't get home till midnight. Then he admitted that he wanted an open relationship as I was very prude and conservative (I totally am but I've been that way for the whole 14 years I've not changed) and he wanted to try new experiences with different types of women, and to be able to chat other women up without feeling guilty. When I said that the thought of it sickened me he said he could maybe do it, or visit paid women, and not tell me so that I wouldn't be upset about it!

We separated for a month but stayed in the house as we had literally just brought it and was moving in. We are now back together as I cannot face the prospect of not living with my little boy 24/7 as my husband said he would definitely fight for 50/50 contact at a minimum. I feel like a fool for staying and my friends and family make it clear I am one (and I lost my best friend in the process). So well done for all of these women who have the courage to start again!! I don't.

This made me feel so sad for you reading this. Your sense of worth must be on the floor. I'm sorry but I'm about to be a little bit brutal, where I can completely understand that starting again is scary and sharing your son is not something you want to do, eventually your son is going to grow up and realise that things are not happy at home. Your husband is not your husband anymore, he has openly told you he wants to sleep with other women and this will more than likely happen as he wants to put his own sexual needs before any of your needs. You have spent 14 years of your life with him for this to be the outcome, you will constantly wonder who he's with and what he's doing and the lack of disrespect on his part is disgusting. Please do not sacrifice your own self worth and happiness any longer x

I’ve only just found this thread but wanted to say in am in the same boat as you! My partner is a gamer all he does is play games all day and watch other people play too. We don’t have sex , he pleases himself and I’m left to sort the three boys we have , keep the house tidy make sure everything is sorted out. I’ve been with him for almost 10 years now(we are both 26) and I feel like I am ready to move on without him. I’m so miserable. He pays me no attention, even tells me to not touch him?! I fantasise about being with someone else. But I’m too scared to leave and can’t see myself ever doing it.

Can I ask what is the main thing that scares you here? You are doing it all alone already. He's playing his games, not taking care of any of his responsibilities and acting like a single man as it is. You are so young still, he doesn't respect you, does nothing to make you happy, please don't waste anymore of your life on this man.

 

[tskiry56]

This just brought back an awful memory!

Me and my husband have been together now for 14 years, married for 6. We brought our first house together in summer 2018 . I was working at a solicitors at the time dealing with property and there were so many purchases that fell through that I naturally felt quite anxious about my purchase. My husband didn't say anything until the day it completed. They let me finish work early to pick up the keys, and I met him at the new house. As I put the key in the door he blurted out that he thinks he has made a huge mistake buying this house with me as he doesn't love me anymore, that I was always worried about something and that I was not the person he married. That he had held it in since I was pregnant hoping it would get better. It was soooo awful. Our parents turned up shortly afterward to have a snoop and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but he said not to say anything.

After about a week of constant back and forth arguments about how this all came about, I noticed his phone was going off all the time and he said he was talking to his friends. I found out he was meeting two women for lunch every single day at work and going to cafes, parks, pubs etc but he never told me as he said he knew I would just be jealous. One day during these arguments he had skived off work and went to a country park with one of these women and didn't get home till midnight. Then he admitted that he wanted an open relationship as I was very prude and conservative (I totally am but I've been that way for the whole 14 years I've not changed) and he wanted to try new experiences with different types of women, and to be able to chat other women up without feeling guilty. When I said that the thought of it sickened me he said he could maybe do it, or visit paid women, and not tell me so that I wouldn't be upset about it!

We separated for a month but stayed in the house as we had literally just brought it and was moving in. We are now back together as I cannot face the prospect of not living with my little boy 24/7 as my husband said he would definitely fight for 50/50 contact at a minimum. I feel like a fool for staying and my friends and family make it clear I am one (and I lost my best friend in the process). So well done for all of these women who have the courage to start again!! I don't.

You shouldn't stay with your husband for the sake of your child you should stay for you.
Your child will pick up on your unhappiness. A happy mum = a happy home.
I stayed with my ex for years longer than I should of please dont make the same mistake. Every time I wanted to leave I never had the guts. But I did after the final act of dv.
What he is doing isn't normal behaviour. What his doing is making you feel extremely uncomfortable. As far as I can see this is emotional and mental abuse ( telling you his going to sleep with other women)
Please dont let him bring you down and take away your confidence.
I have had experience of having to go to the family courts and it's something I never wanted to happen. But my ex only gets to see my son once a fortnight.
Its highly unlikely a court would give 50/50 shared access. They will consider the childs needs and that isn't to be shared like that.