@Jellycat369 are the other queries that come in at 11.47pm last night something like this?
'I immediately need unspecified 'data' for 'vague category' for the last seven years
immediately (yes, the immediately was doubled) or ALL IS LOST AND WE WILL BE DOOMED, DOOMED, I TELL YOU (line manager copied in for good measure, along with three people in Admin who really aren't going to react well to this).'
1. Roll eyes because there's no indication of what exactly they need, why they need it and what they hope to achieve from it.
2. Ignore 9 additional emails that come in of the three other people all arguing amongst themselves that it wasn't their responsibility and they know absolutely nothing about this matter and to contact the other two people that are also arguing it wasn't them because it was definitely theirs to go and get a
tit instant coffee (black, no sugar, I'm going to need it).
3. Ignore the subsequent 6 emails continuing this argument, the stomping down the corridor to have a go at the unfortunate line manager caught in the crossfire about how awful this is and the general atmosphere of handbags at dawn.
4. Decide after careful consideration not to light the blue paper by replying all with documentation from the last seven years showing that it was clearly the responsibility of the of the three that is the most vocal in declaring that they have absolutely no knowledge of this matter.
OK. So this will have been submitted to x external organisation and is probably going to be used for abc purpose. I wonder if the chatty contact there is in work today and feels like doing me a favour?
<puts on smiley face and picks up phone>
Contact provides incredibly useful data that saves me around 7 days of work trying to recover around 45% of the info from around 750 emails, nine spreadsheets and a defunct user account or five in a secure part of the network with the forensic skills of the long suffering IT department - and signposts additional resources, which are then also accessed and interrogated.
<Clicks send three hours later>
a. Here's some info as verified by the external organisation.
b. Here's a summary table in a format that is a key learning objective of the Primary Key Stage 2 Maths Curriculum (so somebody in their 40s with post graduate qualifications and is paid a shedload to know this type of stuff
must be able to understand it?).
c. This is a precis of the implications of the data. It's good (and it actually reduces the overall workload to have this information up front, as it means recovering the original source isn't actually necessary).
d. These are the limitations of the data, the reason for disparities between the sets, the meaning of the terms used and frankly, is far more than you will ever need but you can use it as a baseline for the next set of data.
e. Here's a refined excerpt of the data. With the bits you are concerned with highlighted in pretty colours. And vital comparative data from others that wouldn't have been accessible were it not for the helpful contact at the external organisation.
f. Oh, and here's the email you were copied into six months ago giving you one of the datasets and the implications.
g. And you can access it for later periods on the in house database when it is possible to record it - as you can't provide data for 2024 when it's still 2023 (without a time machine travelling at 88 miles per hour and drawing 1.2 Gigawatts, at any rate). <omitting observation that it's literally one of their key competencies and a major factor in their absolute
tit-tonnes of salary to know how to do this without some muppet in data (me) having to do it for them>
Three minutes before the end of the day
<ping>
'Generic comments to make clear that I haven't read it because it's data and I don't understand that kind of thing because it's numbers, innit, and I'm a girl'
<wonders whether that means I've been transitioned without my knowledge>.
'I'm coming to your office right now to keep you past your finish time trying to explain it to me when I'm only going to stare blankly and declare that it's all too complicated for girls and then demand that you don't just provide data that literally does not exist, you take on the admin role that is nothing to do with your job whatsoever and the others were arguing about because I haven't realised I've been responsible for the entire thing for a year and did nothing about it because it involved numbers and I'm a girl'.
<runs down corridor to see line manager entering their office>
'What can I do for you Dragon?'
'I need to hide.'
'Who from?'
'AbsoluteFuckingNumptie'
LM kicked the door open for me like The Sweeney.