Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

[NoseyNiamh]

Are you able to pay rent on a 4 bed house yourself. In Ireland the rent for that kind of property is about 2k a month.
Do you need such a huge house. You have no mortgage, so nothing is holding you there. Downsize, get a two bedroom place so either one of the kids can stay when they want.
I know you are hurting but I think you need to start thinking practically.

It’s a court ordered thing - he’s abusive and she can get him removed from the house.

It's a hard process. My father was physically abusive constantly and was arrested many times but allowed to return to the property as he was a joint owner. My mother had to jump through hoops before she eventually got a barring order. My mother definitely wouldnt have been discussing being his forever friend and going travelling a couple of weeks before he was removed.
I don't know if the posters case is strong enough to actually have him removed due yo abusive behaviour . I think she needs to make her own plans

 

[Mr Daydream]

Are you able to pay rent on a 4 bed house yourself. In Ireland the rent for that kind of property is about 2k a month.
Do you need such a huge house. You have no mortgage, so nothing is holding you there. Downsize, get a two bedroom place so either one of the kids can stay when they want.
I know you are hurting but I think you need to start thinking practically.


It's a hard process. My father was physically abusive constantly and was arrested many times but allowed to return to the property as he was a joint owner. My mother had to jump through hoops before she eventually got a barring order. My mother definitely wouldnt have been discussing being his forever friend and going travelling a couple of weeks before he was removed.
I don't know if the posters case is strong enough to actually have him removed due yo abusive behaviour . I think she needs to make her own plans

I’m sure she said it’s housing association so there’s no way it will be any more than £600, well that would be the case for a 4 bed council house where I live, but it won’t be anywhere near what private rent is. She’ll also be entitled to UC to help with rent and council tax and can ask her housing association/ council for a tenancy transfer. I would assume they would be more than happy to downsize her and free up a 4 bed. Times have changed since your mum probably went through what she did, the courts and police take domestics very seriously now, it’s 0 tolerance

 

[NoseyNiamh]

I’m sure she said it’s housing association so there’s no way it will be any more than £600, well that would be the case for a 4 bed council house where I live, but it won’t be anywhere near what private rent is. She’ll also be entitled to UC to help with rent and council tax and can ask her housing association/ council for a tenancy transfer. I would assume they would be more than happy to downsize her and free up a 4 bed. Times have changed since your mum probably went through what she did, the courts and police take domestics very seriously now, it’s 0 tolerance

I'm in Ireland and not much has changed. I'm glad to hear things are different over there.

I suppose when you come from a violent abusive home you think that things have to be really bad before you can star labelling it as abuse. I'd just view her husband as being a bit of a cheating dick

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I agree with what others have said. He’s told you he needs until December to save up for somewhere, but you have your own job and your own money so why not put yourself first and go off and rent somewhere? A little house or flat, your own things, somewhere you can properly remove yourself from the situation and get yourself back on your feet without him around.

Even if your kids want to live with him it doesn’t mean you’ll never see them again. And it’ll probably be a nicer environment for them anyway (if you’re worried about putting them first) rather than living with all this stress.

I think the whole December thing is to try and make you feel guilty - poor K, having to save up until then what a hardship…

I appreciate what you said about agoraphobia but whatever happens, the home you’re in may never feel safe or like your home again. And I don’t have any experience in this field however you have to face the practicalities of what might happen, and if the kids want to stay with their dad then it may well be that you have to move out. But you won’t be able to address these issues until you contact someone who will guide you through it. How many more terrible days can you cope with? Nobody’s negating how horrible this is for you and of course it’s easier for laypeople to have a different perspective but you can’t just let this rumble on and give him more opportunities to hurt you.

Put yourself first and please contact a Solicitor - for your own health and well-being.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Are you able to pay rent on a 4 bed house yourself. In Ireland the rent for that kind of property is about 2k a month.
Do you need such a huge house. You have no mortgage, so nothing is holding you there. Downsize, get a two bedroom place so either one of the kids can stay when they want.
I know you are hurting but I think you need to start thinking practically.


It's a hard process. My father was physically abusive constantly and was arrested many times but allowed to return to the property as he was a joint owner. My mother had to jump through hoops before she eventually got a barring order. My mother definitely wouldnt have been discussing being his forever friend and going travelling a couple of weeks before he was removed.
I don't know if the posters case is strong enough to actually have him removed due yo abusive behaviour . I think she needs to make her own plans

How long ago was the situation with your parents?

things have changed a hell of a lot even in the last 10 years or so.

 

[NoseyNiamh]

How long ago was the situation with your parents?

things have changed a hell of a lot even in the last 10 years or so.

Oh a long tíme ago. But I had a friend in a similar situation.
But like I said, I have read the thread and I probably wouldn't class his behaviour as abusive (due to my own experience) and a need for him to be removed from the house. Is the poster or kids in actual danger?

I have reread the thread a third time, I cannot find where she mentioned domestic abuse.
She was madly in love with him last year, they had agreed he could sleep with other people and she found Snapchat messages.

And then August this year they separate and he has met soneone else. They share a house and he initially refused to move out but now he is.

This sounds like a classic case of someone being hurt and broken by a cheating partner. I don't think the police will remove him from a house due to him falling out of love with her.

I do feel awful for the poster, rejection and a marriage break up is such a traumatic thing to deal with but I do feel some of the advice and posts on this thread have painted the husband as being some kind of monster.
He's a cold hearted cheater, that's about it

 

[Boutros-Boutros Ghali]

Oh a long tíme ago. But I had a friend in a similar situation.
But like I said, I have read the thread and I probably wouldn't class his behaviour as abusive (due to my own experience) and a need for him to be removed from the house. Is the poster or kids in actual danger?

I have reread the thread a third time, I cannot find where she mentioned domestic abuse.
She was madly in love with him last year, they had agreed he could sleep with other people and she found Snapchat messages.

And then August this year they separate and he has met soneone else. They share a house and he initially refused to move out but now he is.

This sounds like a classic case of someone being hurt and broken by a cheating partner. I don't think the police will remove him from a house due to him falling out of love with her.

I do feel awful for the poster, rejection and a marriage break up is such a traumatic thing to deal with but I do feel some of the advice and posts on this thread have painted the husband as being some kind of monster.
He's a cold hearted cheater, that's about it

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse

I’d say he would be classed as an abuser given some of the OPs posts

 

[Base2019]

He is just on about December to buy time and to hope it’s blow over by then. Your not going to forget all this so it’s best to get the ball rolling and get him out of your life

 

[NoseyNiamh]

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse

I’d say he would be classed as an abuser given some of the OPs posts

My childhood trauma has obviously made me a bit too hard.

 

[Barkin Mad]

Of course I love him. I'm a dick. Or maybe I just loved who I thought he was. Don't even know the difference anymore. It feels like my whole life has been stolen and I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago we were talking about all the countries in Europe we wanted to visit together. Everything's changed so much in such a short space of time. I'm sorry that my messages might be garbled at times or that I change from one minute to the next but you're all getting everything as I go through it.

As bad as the situation is for you I think you should be proud of yourself that you’ve finally started to see the true colours of this man, of course you will always love him you have 3 children together, but you’re not in love with him if that makes sense. Basically i just wanted to say BE PROUD of yourself For coming this far & seeing bleeping sense he’s a Prick x

 

[MyLittlePony25]

I’ve read the thread and I just want to say I can understand your anxieties with your MH. I also struggle with PTSD and severe anxiety which leaves me struggling to leave my house sometimes. I know you say you don’t want to leave because your house is your safe spot but you could make a new safe zone with your own place. Getting out of there will be really difficult at first but once you have made a new place your own, you will feel so much safer.

I was made homeless and I really struggled but I’m so happy where I am now. I’m slowly making it more homely and it’s safe and secure. My mental health is so much better.

it’s terrifying but you can do it.

staying in that big house alone with all those memories will hold you back i feel, where as it makes sense for the c**t to stay there and it means the kids won’t be uprooted too.
A clean break would be good I think but it is entirely in your hands.

goodluck x

 

[Sabbie]

^Agreed. The house really isn’t a safe spot since it’s been the place where he committed all of his crimes. Hopefully Leviosa will see that this safe haven was and is actually a dangerous place for her.

 

[Scorpihoe]

I’m a bit confused how Leviosa can prove K has been abusive to her? I’m sure she can’t just call them and say he’s been abusive, and they come and remove him?

By the way, I completely agree his acts are of an abuser, and it also sounds like he’s potentially manipulated Leviosa into having sex with him/being affectionate. He’s a scumbag and definitely abusive

but as the abuse isn’t domestic and Leviosa can’t show physical signs of an abused woman, does anyone know how she can go about demonstrating and proving psychological abuse? It will be easier for her to have him removed from the home in that case. (In case Leviosa is worried she has to show some sort of proof to the agencies/police to remove him)

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I’m a bit confused how Leviosa can prove K has been abusive to her? I’m sure she can’t just call them and say he’s been abusive, and they come and remove him?

By the way, I completely agree his acts are of an abuser, and it also sounds like he’s potentially manipulated Leviosa into having sex with him/being affectionate. He’s a scumbag and definitely abusive

but as the abuse isn’t domestic and Leviosa can’t show physical signs of an abused woman, does anyone know how she can go about demonstrating and proving psychological abuse? It will be easier for her to have him removed from the home in that case. (In case Leviosa is worried she has to show some sort of proof to the agencies/police to remove him)

see the below

Wolferstans | Domestic Abuse: How do I prove coercive and controlling abuse?

In family proceedings, including contested children cases or applications for domestic violence injunctions, unfortunately coercive and ...

wolferstans.com

 

[Scorpihoe]

see the below

Wolferstans | Domestic Abuse: How do I prove coercive and controlling abuse?

In family proceedings, including contested children cases or applications for domestic violence injunctions, unfortunately coercive and ...

wolferstans.com

I understand now, thank you!

 

[Jmx]

^Agreed. The house really isn’t a safe spot since it’s been the place where he committed all of his crimes. Hopefully Leviosa will see that this safe haven was and is actually a dangerous place for her.

His crimes?

 

[Dot_Cotton]

When you said he had agreed to leave, I thought you meant now, not in December. That just isn’t acceptable and is just a ploy. Everyone is right, get to a solicitor, make sure no money at all goes to an account he has access to and either he goes now or you do. If you’re working from home you can work anywhere. Can’t you stay with your brother or family while you get the legal advice you need? This situation is just wrong in every way. It might sound like I am being harsh but I am just so angry and frustrated on your behalf if that makes sense.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

His crimes?

He’s been emotionally and mentally abusing her for years and shes a victim of coercive control

 

[leviosa]

I'm bleeping weak and have backed down on everything. He's sat here now on my sofa messaging her. Right in front of me. I just still want the kids here, not to leave with him and me to rattle around in a great big 4 bed house. There is literally no other option. If I make him go, he takes them. I love them too much to lose them.

 

[Lulu Goss]

I'm bleeping weak and have backed down on everything. He's sat here now on my sofa messaging her. Right in front of me. I just still want the kids here, not to leave with him and me to rattle around in a great big 4 bed house. There is literally no other option. If I make him go, he takes them. I love them too much to lose them.

I don’t know what else to say other than you need to leave him. He’s not going to leave the house, he’s going to carry on disrespecting you and you cannot allow that to happen. You need to move out and take control back. I know this sounds harsh but you have to do what’s best for you.