I just want to say that things are moving quickly and in all directions right now, don't let this little bump stop your journey, in 3 days time they might be back with you, don't panic and don't give up 
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Thats what mums do . X
But you are working now, that might take your mind off it (sorry, I’ve been reading a few pages and you said the other day you’d been WFH since furlough).
The kids will have to find out for themselves. If you’ve done everything in the home, he won’t know how to deal with them either.
But he’s made his choice - he’s left you, knowing how hurt you are and stuck the knife in by taking the kids with him.
You’ve been given some fantastic advice, as you’ve acknowledged, so I would recommend getting your ducks in a row - make sure your wages are not going into a joint account, contact a Solicitor and try and be strong. He’s not going to spare your feelings so we’re all willing you to be strong and do what you have to do - for your sake
Yes @leviosa try not to panic at this point. You knew it would not be plain sailing and he is playing dirty. As you knew he would.
They have chosen to be with him right now, not 'live' with him. Seems like splitting hairs but it isn't.
Is there somebody you can talk to now?
It is very very early days so try not to lose heart and think you have done something wrong as you most definitely have not.
Plus i take it at this point they dont actually have anywhere to go?
Where exactly is he planning on moving to with 2 teenagers?
were you there when this was all decided?
you really need to start speaking up for yours elf and having direct full and Frank conversations with the kids about exactly what’s going on.
have YOU spoken directly with each of your children about what’s happening and told them
exactly what their father has been doing?
were you there when this was all decided?
you really need to start speaking up for yours elf and having direct full and Frank conversations with the kids about exactly what’s going on.
have YOU spoken directly with each of your children about what’s happening and told them
exactly what their father has been doing?
Pretty sure she means not worked for 20 years raising kids to have them turn their back on her?
Leviosa, remember you had trouble grasping what is going on, so it’s pretty clear your kids have not grasped the enormity of moving out with a controlling hole. Have no doubt as soon as the penny drops for them they will be back. Just make sure they don’t bring him back with them because I have no doubt that will be the bargaining move when things with this new woman go south.
I never had a good relationship with my mum because she was the one that was always around. So she told me off if I didn’t do my homework, was late from school, if I didn’t get good enough grades, if my room was messy, if I stayed out too late and so on. When I was younger I had no clue what it means to work AND also keep a household together. I don’t have kids but I still struggle with it sometimes.
Your kids can see him as the cooler parent because he probably is only around for the fun stuff. Also he has money, you technically don’t. So they probably went to him when they wanted something.
I built a decent enough relationship with my mom after my dad passed away. By this point I was doing my own thing anyway and instead of a parent-child relationship, we built a friendship. We still argue sometimes, she still is overbearing at times and so on but it’s way better than ever before.
I know this will sound harsh but for the time being, focus on yourself. Keep your tit together. Don’t let anyone pin it on you that you let yourself go, that you “have issues”, that you “need help” and so on. Also don’t play the victim, ever. Stick to the facts. Don’t blame, don’t question. I did X, you did Y. Don’t even ask or debate whether it’s fair or not. Keep a straight face, stiff upper lip. Will it suck? Absolutely. Will it be hard? Of course. But you’ll come out of it stronger and better. Get into therapy. Get a lawyer who will make the hard calls, write the emails, read the emails and letters and so on. If you don’t have one, build a support network. Find a new hobby, learn a new language, find a book club, start running, whatever just keep busy and don’t become the cliche depressed woman. It’s not gonna do you any good!
Write a to do list… first of all, you NEED a lawyer. He took the kids probably because he wants to give you less money. You need legal advice on this asap! Seriously, put the emotions aside. This is not the guy you loved. He is gone. This is someone new who doesn’t care about you. So care about yourself.
Please try and not take this personally, if he’s behaved to them as he has to you it won’t be a rational decision.
Please speak to your kids, they are old enough to make their own decision and you as a trio need to stand up to him if they do want to stay with you.
If they want to go, let them. Sort yourself out and be ready when they want to come back. They will but it may take time.
As others have said, where exactly is he planning on going? To hers?
Please speak to your kids, they are old enough to make their own decision and you as a trio need to stand up to him if they do want to stay with you.
If they want to go, let them. Sort yourself out and be ready when they want to come back. They will but it may take time.
As others have said, where exactly is he planning on going? To hers?
I’m going to add one more thing: when you are in a relationship, you always want to find the best in a person! Just over a week ago I was writing a post about a guy here. In the end, it worked out but I had to hear some harsh truths.
You need to realise that the way you see this isn’t objective. You are trying to rationalise, explain away and you’re still looking for the best in people who once maybe loved you. You need to realise that it came to the point where you have to put yourself first. First - before your kids, before your ex, before anyone else. It will be hard but he put you through hell and he will absolutely try to cut you off in every way and leave you with nothing. You gave him over 20 years of your life. Now it’s time for him to give back and you need to hold him accountable for your own sake! You need to be your own biggest supporter.
You can and will find someone who appreciates you but you need to put the whole “but why” mentality behind you. There is no rational answer to irrational behaviour. You also have to realise he is probably doing things to manipulate you. Don’t give in. Look at your situation as if a friend was telling you what is happening. You’d be outraged and furious for them and you’d tell them to cut their losses and run for the hills.
You need to realise that the way you see this isn’t objective. You are trying to rationalise, explain away and you’re still looking for the best in people who once maybe loved you. You need to realise that it came to the point where you have to put yourself first. First - before your kids, before your ex, before anyone else. It will be hard but he put you through hell and he will absolutely try to cut you off in every way and leave you with nothing. You gave him over 20 years of your life. Now it’s time for him to give back and you need to hold him accountable for your own sake! You need to be your own biggest supporter.
You can and will find someone who appreciates you but you need to put the whole “but why” mentality behind you. There is no rational answer to irrational behaviour. You also have to realise he is probably doing things to manipulate you. Don’t give in. Look at your situation as if a friend was telling you what is happening. You’d be outraged and furious for them and you’d tell them to cut their losses and run for the hills.
I know you said you haven't worked in 20 years, but you are working now?
I think she means she’s worked for 20 years bringing them up for them to just walk away, so what’s the point rather than she hasn’t worked for 20 years. From what I understand the OP has a job and WFH
I thought she meant she didn't work for over 20 years to bring them up and not miss out on anything
It is never too late to turn your life around. Yes it will be difficult. Yes there will be tears along the way. But it can be done. My best wishes to you.
I think you may be spiralling and need to take a moment. This is probably less an indication of your parenting and more of the situation that you and your children have been living in for years. You’ve said that he is the alpha male and the kids presumably look up to him and want to please him or risk being cast aside.
I’m sure you know they love you and how lucky you are to have three healthy children.
I think you need to look at this as a blessing in disguise. You are going through one of the must traumatic periods in your life. You have a chance to completely fall apart now, grieve cry and hurt as much as you need to. You can do this knowing your kids will not see you at your lowest.
When they return and they definitely will, you will be stronger and you will have begun the healing process.
Gosh. What a horrible day that was. So realistically he thinks he'll be saving up till around December. All of this right now feels pointless. He's got everything he wants, has cast me as the bad guy, and is now taking the kids away. If he wants to leave then fine, but why literally obliterate my whole life in the process, why does he have to be so utterly cruel.
Saving up until December? What do you mean?
have you actually spoken to your kids alone, without him there?
You need to start living your life for you, not for him, or the kids.
Being frank, your children are no longer kids. They think don’t need mum anymore.
Your kids going to live with their dad is going to be hard but it isn’t the end of your life. One is 18 so was probably going to move out in the next few years anyway and the youngest wouldn’t be far behind.
Get your life where you want it to be, make sure they know you will always be there for them.
Being frank, your children are no longer kids. They think don’t need mum anymore.
Your kids going to live with their dad is going to be hard but it isn’t the end of your life. One is 18 so was probably going to move out in the next few years anyway and the youngest wouldn’t be far behind.
Get your life where you want it to be, make sure they know you will always be there for them.
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