Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

leviosa

Well-known member
I've been married 21 years, I thought happily. Mostly we trust each other, there's a couple of ups and downs as you'd expect in a long term marriage.

The last couple of days when I've asked for his phone, he's sort of hovered around me as I've used it, not something he usually does.

Today I read a text that he'd sent yesterday morning to some woman I've never heard of. It said something to the effect of that they were both looking for the same thing, and that he knew her partner wasn't happy about her sleeping with other people. Finished with "I just wanted to check you're ok, tell me to fuck off if you want x". I can't give you it verbatim as he's deleted it.

I've called him on it, he's said that the thing they were both after was happy marriages, but that doesn't make sense to me given the next part.

In addition, I know he talks to a lot of friends at work, both male and female alike. Normally we discuss them together. I've never heard of this woman, ever. And he's got no explanation for why this is the case.

We've had a massive argument lasting hours today, I've been a mess and it's culminated in him looking right at me, swearing there's nobody/nothing else. Normally I'd trust him 100% but I just don't know. What would other people think in this situation?
 
Honestly, I think you know the answer yourself. I don’t think he’s talking to this woman about having a happy marriage. But you know your husband better than me, or anyone on here. Do you trust him? Are there issues? Ha eh things changed at all recently?

And also sorry you had to read that, that’s literally my worst nightmare finding something like that on my partners phone
 

Strawberry-pot

Well-known member
I've been married 21 years, I thought happily. Mostly we trust each other, there's a couple of ups and downs as you'd expect in a long term marriage.

The last couple of days when I've asked for his phone, he's sort of hovered around me as I've used it, not something he usually does.

Today I read a text that he'd sent yesterday morning to some woman I've never heard of. It said something to the effect of that they were both looking for the same thing, and that he knew her partner wasn't happy about her sleeping with other people. Finished with "I just wanted to check you're ok, tell me to fuck off if you want x". I can't give you it verbatim as he's deleted it.

I've called him on it, he's said that the thing they were both after was happy marriages, but that doesn't make sense to me given the next part.

In addition, I know he talks to a lot of friends at work, both male and female alike. Normally we discuss them together. I've never heard of this woman, ever. And he's got no explanation for why this is the case.

We've had a massive argument lasting hours today, I've been a mess and it's culminated in him looking right at me, swearing there's nobody/nothing else. Normally I'd trust him 100% but I just don't know. What would other people think in this situation?
I’m really sorry but I think you know the answer deep down. Pm me if you need a chat xx
 

leviosa

Well-known member
I normally ask for his phone because he's got the banking app (you can only have ours on one phone) or new Netflix suggestions or whatnot. Being that he'd been so hovery the last couple of times I thought I'd nose and found that. He's ranted and raved at me about not trusting him but I just don't know what to think.
 

theghosttown

Chatty Member
I would say trust your instincts.

Having said that there can be innocent explanations for how he is with his phone. I have no message previews, I always have my phone facing down for example. A lot of people could see that as dodgy but to me I don’t want to have previews of messages as I like to chose when to read them and also I get worried about spilling things on my screen. Also, it’s my husbands birthday at the moment so if he uses my phone I’m slightly more nervous and hover around in case I get anything through about deliveries for gifts.

In relation to that message I don’t think it’s the context that worries me as such it’s the fact he has deleted the message. Why would he need to delete his messages if they are completely innocent. Perhaps he could be worried that him messaging a female could upset you but you have said that he openly has female friendships so that doesn’t add up.

I trust my husband implicitly and I never go through his phone but it has crossed my mind before, but I think that’s down to my insecurities rather than lack of trust.

It’s a tough one but it’s not fair for him to rant and rave at you. You have every right to get answers and you deserve for him to offer a proper explanation. I’m sorry that you are going through this. It’s a fucking shitty feeling. X
 
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PineappleQueen19

VIP Member
He's ranted and raved at me about not trusting him
A classic manoeuvre of the guilty, sadly - because the best defence is a good offence.

Don’t let him mess with your head. What you’ve already seen on his phone is more than reasonable grounds to be mistrustful. You’re not the one at fault here. You’ve got a gut instinct something’s not right and he’s busy accusing you of not trusting him? That in itself is worrying.

I feel for you.
 

theghosttown

Chatty Member
A classic manoeuvre of the guilty, sadly - because the best defence is a good offence.

Don’t let him mess with your head. What you’ve already seen on his phone is more than reasonable grounds to be mistrustful. You’re not the one at fault here. You’ve got a gut instinct something’s not right and he’s busy accusing you of not trusting him? That in itself is worrying.

I feel for you.

Completely agree with you on this.

It’s completely out of order to rant and rave at you!!!! He should have the decency to talk to you about it and do his best to alleviate your concerns. It’s not fair to turn it onto you.
 
Unfortunately, I think you already know the answer. If things were innocent (and sometimes these things are!) there would be no ranting and raving, no getting defensive, no argument and deleting the message. As you said, you frequently talk about colleagues etc as most couples do so the fact that this person is completely unknown is also strange. My ex did the same thing. Trust your gut, it's never wrong x
 

TheWitchIsBack

VIP Member
I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you’ve found this shit on his phone.

Your post struck a chord with me as I found a very similar text on my partners phone. He swore blind it was absolutely nothing and after a lot of digging it transpired he’d had a secret relationship with a woman from his work for a full year.

I was regularly checking his phone because I did suspect something like this and had for a while so I’d say in this situation your instinct is your best guide. Don’t let him gaslight you, you’re right to be angry and if it doesn’t make sense to you then it doesn’t make sense and no amount of ranting and raving from him will change that. I hope you get answers soon x
 

B192020

Member
I normally ask for his phone because he's got the banking app (you can only have ours on one phone) or new Netflix suggestions or whatnot. Being that he'd been so hovery the last couple of times I thought I'd nose and found that. He's ranted and raved at me about not trusting him but I just don't know what to think.
I’ve been you. I’ve made the excuses and listened to him tell me stories that don’t make any sense and I’ve believed them because I wanted to.
He is cheating.
 

toffeejelly

Active member
I don't have much else to add other than what's been said, but I just want to say I would 100% trust your gut instict. Mine has never let me down when I've gotten a bad feeling about something.

I hope you're okay, you deserve so much more than someone who can do that to you.
 

Jelly Bean

VIP Member
Reading your post makes me suspect they haven't done anything yet but are in that flirty stage, where 'nobody else understands' and she is confiding in him and making him feel important.
Horrible for you if so, but salvageable if you want it to be. I don't know what to suggest tbh. At the very least texts like that are highly inappropriate and a slippery slope. He sounds like he is being a daft bastard, and he may not want to it go any further at all but is enjoying the attention. Maybe (for the sake of arguing) you tell him you believe him but he must see how it looks to you? And as others have said don't let him gaslight you, because something is definitely off - you aren't stupid. I'd be unhappy with my husband discussing the state of our marriage with another woman full stop. I think that is where I would feel most betrayed at this stage.
 
Unfortunately, I think you already know the answer. If things were innocent (and sometimes these things are!) there would be no ranting and raving, no getting defensive, no argument and deleting the message. As you said, you frequently talk about colleagues etc as most couples do so the fact that this person is completely unknown is also strange. My ex did the same thing. Trust your gut, it's never wrong x
And they can be innocent. When I got together with my partner one of my male friends texted me quite frequently. He’s married with kids, we’ve known each other years. Anyway a message popped up from him and my partner saw it and immediately thought the worst, but I was able to show him the messages because I had nothing to hide. I didn’t started ranting at him for checking my phone. We now quite often meet up with him and his wife for drinks (well did before lockdown). However your husbands actions don’t make me think you’ll be meeting up with her and her husband any time soon. If it’s innocent he should be happy to give you an explanation, not try to lay the blame on you to
 
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