Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

[BettyCrockerr]

He still wants to hug me, call me affection names, kiss me goodbye. He still wants sex. And yes I'm stupid but I still do at the moment. For me, I can't switch off like he's somehow been able to do. He's got the best of both worlds!

I say this with respect and im trying to be gentle here…

but what are you playing at?


he’s cheating on you. and he still expects you to behave like his wife including being physically intimate with him? This situation is crazy.

please please please, Stop this. He cannot have his cake and eat it. This is awful. Frankly I’d kick the bastard out and leave him to his new woman. He’s treating you terribly and showing you not an ounce of respect. he can sleep on the sofa the cheeky bastard.

with regards to money etc - stop worrying. You will be fine. He’s been cheating on you and you have kids - you’d get to stay in the family home and he’d have to pay for the kids etc.

you need to start getting your ducks in a row here and stop looking at this piece of shit through those rose tinted glasses. He’s a cheating shit and the audacity of him is something else.

 

[MrsNMA]

I would trust your instincts.....

 

[Boutros-Boutros Ghali]

Honestly, I think you know the answer yourself. I don’t think he’s talking to this woman about having a happy marriage. But you know your husband better than me, or anyone on here. Do you trust him? Are there issues? Ha eh things changed at all recently?

And also sorry you had to read that, that’s literally my worst nightmare finding something like that on my partners phone

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

The fact you’re asking to see his phone in the first place tells you all you need to know ... you don’t trust him.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I’m just gonna put this out there. I’ve been with my partner ten years and I always think this;
You can’t expect your partner not to have any secrets from you. Your partner will fancy other people. Your partner will flirt with other people. Your partner will even if it’s just once think about sleeping with someone else. They may also become friendly with someone from the opposite sex. Texting etc...Sometimes we expect our other halves to be our confidante, our lover, our best friend, our companion, our provider, and the strong one who is also emotional when it suits. My point is, one person will never be able to provide everything we/they need. That’s why we have various friends because each give us something another person doesn’t. Your husband may not be cheating, he might just be having conversations with her that he feels he can’t have with you ?

This is a whole level of self assurance I will never have fair to play to ya!

 

[leviosa]

Well, it got worse. Just when I was thinking and apologising for being an idiot over the first text message, I found an absolute bunch of screen shots from snapchat on his phone. Talking to some woman I'd never heard of about both of their intimate parts and what they'd like to do. Then him literally getting into an argument with someone this woman knows and saying how much she means to him and what he could do to her. I am beyond hurt. I want to be with him because I honestly do love him and it's 21 years and 3 kids but how can I move on from this.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

He's ranted and raved at me about not trusting him

A classic manoeuvre of the guilty, sadly - because the best defence is a good offence.

Don’t let him mess with your head. What you’ve already seen on his phone is more than reasonable grounds to be mistrustful. You’re not the one at fault here. You’ve got a gut instinct something’s not right and he’s busy accusing you of not trusting him? That in itself is worrying.

I feel for you.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I don’t get why people ask for advice on here but then don’t take it when literally everyone is saying the same thing

I don’t get why people can’t comprehend the enormity of 20+ years of systematic abuse and coercive control. Her entire adult life. He’s wired her brain to suit himself. Even asking for advice and articulating what’s going on is a huge step. It’s not a one and done situation.

https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you all. I know you're right, it's just hard, it's been all I've known since 18 and if I'm honest he's not the good man I thought he was. Tonight I'll definitely refuse sex, and that'll be a good starting point at least.

tell him he can sleep on the sofa. Don’t let him in your bed. Don’t let him anywhere near you. It’s making my skin crawl just thinking about him.
you need to seek professional legal advice and can you discuss this with a friend or family member in real life? I feel like you need a real life person to give you a figurative shake! His behaviour is completely unacceptable and actually disgusting and you almost seem sort of brainwashed by him - as if you can’t really see what’s going on here?

 

[AgnesP]

I’ve just read this thread and I feel physically sick.
I was in a similar situation with my first husband. Thankfully we did not have children.

Tell him you want a Divorce and see what he does next. If he falls at your feet in a sobbing wreck and begs you to attend Counselling there _may_ be some hope for a new start with new rules. He must understand that it will take years to rebuild trust.

If, on the other hand, you ask for a Divorce and he sneers/ laughs/ shouts/ any inappropriate response which isn’t 100% horrified and heartbroken - then you need to speak to a Lawyer and get all of your ducks in a row.

Courage! Sending love.

 

[leviosa]

I've been married 21 years, I thought happily. Mostly we trust each other, there's a couple of ups and downs as you'd expect in a long term marriage.

The last couple of days when I've asked for his phone, he's sort of hovered around me as I've used it, not something he usually does.

Today I read a text that he'd sent yesterday morning to some woman I've never heard of. It said something to the effect of that they were both looking for the same thing, and that he knew her partner wasn't happy about her sleeping with other people. Finished with "I just wanted to check you're ok, tell me to fuck off if you want x". I can't give you it verbatim as he's deleted it.

I've called him on it, he's said that the thing they were both after was happy marriages, but that doesn't make sense to me given the next part.

In addition, I know he talks to a lot of friends at work, both male and female alike. Normally we discuss them together. I've never heard of this woman, ever. And he's got no explanation for why this is the case.

We've had a massive argument lasting hours today, I've been a mess and it's culminated in him looking right at me, swearing there's nobody/nothing else. Normally I'd trust him 100% but I just don't know. What would other people think in this situation?

 

[Jelly Bean]

Reading your post makes me suspect they haven't done anything yet but are in that flirty stage, where 'nobody else understands' and she is confiding in him and making him feel important.
Horrible for you if so, but salvageable if you want it to be. I don't know what to suggest tbh. At the very least texts like that are highly inappropriate and a slippery slope. He sounds like he is being a daft bastard, and he may not want to it go any further at all but is enjoying the attention. Maybe (for the sake of arguing) you tell him you believe him but he must see how it looks to you? And as others have said don't let him gaslight you, because something is definitely off - you aren't stupid. I'd be unhappy with my husband discussing the state of our marriage with another woman full stop. I think that is where I would feel most betrayed at this stage.

 

[leviosa]

Right so I have managed to take a little power back. It's not everything I want but it's something.

He'll be getting paid Friday so then we shall buy my youngest a new bed and he can have the old one, he's got the weekend to get the room set up as he wants. After that, he WILL actually agree to leaving for a couple of days so then when he comes back it can be a clean break. Separate lives. No more affection or anything along those lines. I truly think this is the best out of my options just for now.

I have been as open as I can be but hope this might clarify things a bit. I had a breakdown a number of years ago and since have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, depression and at the worst point agoraphobia. That's probably why am so unwilling to leave my house - it's a real source of comfort when things are hard. I know living with someone who has mental health issues isn't easy so I think over time it was perfect for him to show himself as the heroic caring husband and dad whilst I was struggling. The real irony is when I was completely back up on my feet is when he didn't want to be with me.

Part of me feels sorry for this other woman. I know she's in a bad home situation, very low in self esteem, after 3 weeks she is apparently paranoid that K will stop talking to her. He's just found another needy woman to glom onto because he knows I was getting to a place of not needing him.

Got a whole day free today as he's taking our daughter to stay with her friend for a week so just going to get some headspace and try and make myself strong. Again thank you all. I know the way I'm doing things doesnt make sense to a lot of you but I also know just how vicious he can be and what further damage he can do.

 

[Bellaboo83]

we argued tonight. he thinks he's blameless. have told him i don't want to sleep with him anymore. having a massive big cry like a kardashian.

Ohhh. he is mad. I've asked him to move out for just a few days to give me space and he's kicking off. We had a holiday booked in October that he's now taken as his own, but the fact I've asked him to move out now has really burned him. He's now utterly refusing.

He now says I'm not stable enough for him to move out. Admittedly tonight I'm a bit drunk but not an axe wielding murderer.

He's gas lighting you... The old 'you're crazy' routine, it's standard emotional abuse.

Get the locks changed while he's out with this lady today and ring the police if he kicks off on his return

Maybe give woman's aid / refuge a call also

 

[leviosa]

I normally ask for his phone because he's got the banking app (you can only have ours on one phone) or new Netflix suggestions or whatnot. Being that he'd been so hovery the last couple of times I thought I'd nose and found that. He's ranted and raved at me about not trusting him but I just don't know what to think.

 

[GossBoss]

So a few years ago my friend was getting friendly with a bloke she got talking to at an evening class. She was single + he was married. It was clear he wasn't entirely happy but had been married a long time with 3 kids. My friend wasn't really interested in him but they got on well. They went out for a drink after class one evening + had a good laugh. He spoke about his wife a lot. Not in a bad way/not in a good way but mentioned her alot. Then they started texting. Then they started sexting. It progressed to him going to her house for the evening ... Drinks & nibbles. No funny business but they did flirt a lot. He occasionally popped round for a cuppa + left her small gifts on her doorstep (nothing flash) One night it got much more cosy + while he didn't sleep with her it was definitely more than *friends*. Couple days later he text saying he was sorry, he didn't want an affair () he was out of his depth bla bla bla. She basically said she didn't want to lose his friendship but he needed to take a long hard look at the reasons that bought him to her door. He did. He went off + made an effort at home + only contacted my mate now + again, just chat, nothing dodgy. 5 years on, he's back texting etc + getting fruity etc. Moral of the story is, a leopard will never change his spots

 

[Blue_sky]

Thank you for your messages! I’ve been working through things and I’m in a better place. I am not with him and we are starting to put the wheels in motion to get a divorce. I’m planning a more permanent return home this week too I am worth so much more than the value he put on me and our marriage! And the Value she put on my friendship to her! Hope that the other girls in the same boat are coping ok too. It’s hard, but there is hope for something better

 

[Blue_sky]

Timely that I happened to come on here today! My update is that I am now happily divorced and I am due to complete the purchase of my very own flat! In the year since my marriage broke down I’ve been to some dark places, but ever hopeful I’ve have ploughed on through. I’ve been promoted at work and I am starting a new chapter in my life I don’t think I’d have had the determination or strength to do without losing everything! Sometimes things have to break, but you can build something even more beautiful from the pieces you have left sounds odd to say, but in doing what he did he set me free and I know that I’ll have a happier life now!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Right you need proper real life support here now. Please be clear on this - this guy IS abusive. This is classic gaslighting. You need to contact the police today and tell them everything and when he’s out today you must get the locks changed as previously discussed. Please contact either:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

www.womensaid.org.uk

you may not want to believe this yet but unfortunately you are being abused. Please don’t let this go on any longer.

 

[Girlinabubble]

I’m separating after nearly 40 years of marriage - it wasn’t my choice initially but Im ok with it now and when I read how sad some of you are I think at least you didn’t do what I did and spend my life with a man who has never really loved me. Be hopeful and excited about the future - you can spend a lifetime with someone who loves truly loves you. Be strong and choose to be happy.