Alcoholism

[carriexbradshaw]

I've been following this thread for a few days after stumbling across it recently and I'm kinda glad I did!

I'm pretty sure my mum is an alcoholic and depends on alcohol too much. Every Christmas, birthday or family event in general is always ruined by my mum drinking far too much and getting far too affectionate with my brothers (I have 4... they hate this, as does their wife/partners), she just sits and stares for ages. She becomes passive aggressive and nasty but never actually violent just emotional and attention seeking. She gets to the point where she can't walk too and just laugh it off. I've found that most times we've visited (pre covid) she drinks so much, and I think since lockdown 1.0 had started she's drinking a lot more, (she did joke that her and my step dad had bought half of Tesco's wine aisle), even "enjoying" a gin & tonic around lunch time, her gin measures are double if not triple the amount you should have at any time. She barely eats anything, and I've noticed recently (visiting as we're bubbled, she has found out she potentially has early stage cancer and my step dad is shielding due to a health issue) she has the shakes all the time, and her face swells up a lot. I've also noticed she doesn't drink anything but alcohol or the odd cup of coffee!

I've found out since, from my two oldest brothers, that the past year she has been collapsing a lot and can barely walk now as she faints/loses feeling in her legs. The past few weeks she's been hospitalised due to lack of any good nutrients - from what I assume, and has come home a few times but has barely been able to stomach a slice of apple. She barely eats anything. Her behaviour has changed too, she always seems on edge, and has become quite nasty with two of my sister-in-laws. One had a baby 9 months ago and from what I've been told my mum has blamed her for a lot of things, such as not being able to see her grandchild (when actually it's covid) but she's sent passive aggressive texts and asked not to see her with my brother and baby (bitter much).

I'm looking for some advice, does it sound like she has alcohol damage? Is this the beginning of organ failure? I can't find anything online, but I almost want to prepare myself for the worst because I have a feeling it's coming. As far as I'm aware I've lost my mum, she's not the woman I've known growing up! I'd say she's been depended on alcohol for the last 10 years and she's definitely started drinking a lot more than before!

Sorry if this isn't the right thread, I kind of needed to put this somewhere to take it out of my mind. My husband has been amazing throughout and has put up with a lot. I just need to prepare myself, because I have a toddler and a baby who need my attention and I need to stop having this take up room in my head.. too many years of seeing my mum ruin her life can take its toll on anyone.

 

[Gembo]

I am really hurting that an old friend has passed away due to alcoholism. I feel so many things. I’ve been trying to read through some of our messages and it’s killing me I’ve had to stop. I actually had no idea that she had such a problem with it, I was lost for words. So many things make more sense to me now, she was in so much pain and I never saw it. Things she did I think now were cries for help. I never replied to her last message because I was in a really dark place and I regret that deeply. I want to talk to her more than anything, I wish I could have helped her. How could I not see? I hate what this does to people, I hate it.

 

[Mercedes12]

Sending lots of love to everyone who’s replies and has a loved one with addiction. It is honestly one of the worst things to have to go through.

I’ve got experience and my only advice would be tough love and try and live your life. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to get better or accept help. All you will do is ruin your life.

I know the anxiety can be overwhelming at first if you distance yourself but it will reduce over time.

 

[Drea1984]

I’ve just seen my brother. He has allegedly been dry 4 years. I’m almost certain he is drinking again.
We lost our much loved mum summer 2019 & I have limited contact as cannot bear our dad. Narcissist bastard.
I cannot believe my dad hasn’t noticed how bad my brother looks and how obvious it is he is drinking?? I’ve asked my brother & he denies it. But he looks awful. Bloated & gained weight.
I am at my wits end with both of them. Dad & brother.

 

[37BBL]

I'm completely lost on who the person is who was a fraud, have a faint idea but I'll try and read the other thread mentioned to check.
I try to offer support to everyone on here. Not sure why someone would lie about this issue, its not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Moving on though, I feel the shame of it too. None of my friends know about my person, I wouldn't want to tell them incase they judged. I don’t like to talk about it even to my husband. I really find this thread a comfort though x

 

[Definitelyme]

Being on tattle makes you realise how everyone is going through something in their own way. Everyone has a story and they aren’t always pleasant. My dad was an alcoholic and it took him quite quickly. He started drinking heavily when I was 10 and he passed away two weeks before I turned 14. His funeral was two days after my birthday. At the time I was numb from it and I’m ashamed to say I had disowned him at this point. But, I look back and realise I was only a child and had tried and pleaded so many times for him to stop but nothing ever sank in. He went to rehab a few times but, never any joy. I remember thinking, how could he do this to us, he always said my brother and I were his world so how could he hurt us so much. For years I bottled it up and never said anything about what happened, most people didn’t even know my dad had passed. When I would tell friends in conversation they would cry and I would feel nothing. It wasn’t until I got a bit older at 17 when I had almost an epiphany. I was on a pilgrimage in Lourdes helping the elderly with college (I’m not very religious by the way but, I’ve always been raised a catholic). One night we had a nighttime mass outside and lit some candles and was encouraged to share experiences we had. People started opening their hearts about family members they had lost and how they missed them. I didn’t say anything as it’s not my thing. But, quietly I took myself off, lit a candle and said, I forgive you dad. It felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. From then onwards, I realised that being an alcoholic is not a life choice and I believe it is a mental illness. Most people who have it have no control just like depression. Telling them to stop or cheer up will not work. It is so much more intricate than that. If I could give my younger self some wisdom, I would say to let the person know that you love them and you’ll always be there for them and remember the person they once were. Gently encourage them to get some help but, don’t push them as this usually backfires. But, most of all, don’t blame yourself or anyone else. It is never the answer and causes so much hurt. My auntie who is a horrible person blamed me and called me a murderer when my dad passed away. She said I should have done more as I was his baby girl. It’s always stuck with me. It’s 12 years today since my dad passed away and I can now openly talk about him with my family and friends in a positive light. Remembering all the cherished memories we were lucky to make. Even now I’m finding things out about him that I never knew and sharing anecdotes with my mum.

Sending my love to everyone dealing with this themselves or with someone they love

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. That must have been incredibly difficult at that time in your life. Your aunt is horrendous. Imagine blaming a child like that, she’s disgusting. I’m glad you’ve managed to find peace with the situation

 

[Definitelyme]

thanks for your reply, he does know he has a problem - it really affects his life now as he goes out of action for weeks (sometimes months) at a time. The problem is when he’s sober he won’t discuss it. I think it’s more that he has mental health issues which he deals with by drinking? I have joined a few groups on Facebook for Adult Children of Alcoholics, when I first found them it was like a lightbulb moment - like other people feel like me?! But now I need to take the next step in what I’m going to do. I spoke to him on the phone last night and he asked me to come along and I said no. Usually I would fob him off then eventually go but I’m trying not to do that. Not only because it’s upsetting to see how he is living but it really drags me into it. He often tells me I’m his friend, I have starting saying ‘no dad, I’m your child - your my parent, not my friend’



thank you for your reply There are lots of random things which sets him off. I’m trying to not link myself to it anymore because it doesn’t matter if I phone a lot, visit, take him out etc or do none of it. At the end of the day it’s not about me and I need to not put pressure on myself - he has to do it for himself.

Miffy, I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother, who has huge mental health issues (including suicide attempts, very severe depression) and it is absolutely all linked. The only advice I have is protect your own heart. Sometimes that means saying “I am sorry, I can’t be involved with this anymore if you remain unwilling to seek the help you need” and taking a step away. It’s not easy, but I had to do it several years ago as I was just drained from constantly being on edge wondering wtf was going to happen next. You can’t force someone to seek help. You can offer options to them, if they don’t take it, please make sure you protect yourself.

 

[northernspaces]

You don't need to apologise, we're all here to share our experiences. Personally its really helped me reading that others have gone through these things. I am the same as you in that I don’t discuss this with any friends etc.

It sounds really tough being in your situation. I say well done you for visiting your dad so often, I went the other way and just avoided my sister so I think you're really brave to do that.

I've been there with the Police pick ups, my sister was arrested countless times and bought back in some states after she had been hallucinating and walking miles to get drink. She had no recollection the next day, always very remorseful but it frustrated me as she never understood what it was like from the other side.

Im always waiting for the call that the worst has happened. Fully expect it to, even though she is apparently in recovery.

If you need to talk about your situation, then please feel free to just rant and don't worry about bringing the mood down.

I hope your dad can try and overcome this x

Thank you for this. I’ve never realised fully that there’s people out there who understand this too It can make you feel so isolated!

They never understand what it’s like from our perspective because addiction makes them selfish. It’s so tiring. Especially when they are supposed to be our family who support and care for us.

x

 

[CosmicCreepers]

I had a bad drinking problem last year whilst at university as I was finding myself drinking alone in my room in my accommodation. When I think back to those times I actually get chills. I ended up using a forum on Reddit called "stopdrinking" where lots of people share their stories and it helped me realise what road I was set on.

I used to use every excuse under the sun to justify it "oh I'm a student, it's what students do". Luckily I ended up realising over lockdown it was my own hate towards my sexuality combined with body image issues that was destroying my mental health. That combined with my uni work, deadlines and my first time having moved out of my parental home was just too much.

Lockdown helped me realise who I was and that I'm worthy of love, care and this life I've been given to live. I started seeing positives instead of negatives all the time and finally came out to my mum. It was the biggest relief ever and now when I drink it's for social reasons and once a month if that (used to he every week!).

Even in your darkest days there is a way out...don't let alcohol steal your happiness and chance at life for a few hours of "fun". I know it's easier said than done but you were put on this Earth for a reason and that was to be free, be happy and enjoy life.

My friends boyfriend currently has a drinking issue he wont acknowledge, drinking almost every night and says "oh well my friends are." There has been times when he chosen drinking over my friend and I've offered him advice and her and they wont have it. It's so hard to see her so upset about it (her dad has issues with drinking too so it's a constant reminder). I totally see the red flags, the exact excuses I used, are cropping up now. It's never too late to change and I hope anyone who is struggling or loves someone who does, that one day they will be sober. It takes time, patience and effort but its possible. Alcohol is a very powerful drug and sometimes I wish it was treated the same as Class As.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

Another outburst from my parent this evening on a family whatsapp chat over nothing (I had mentioned on my previous post that they often get into ‘disagreements’ during group chat online). We were trying to organise something and they made it all about them. The worst part is this group chat wasn’t just our family but extended family too. Parent ended up leaving the group and people were wondering if they said something wrong. I’m mortified and angry and although I don’t know for sure I can guarantee parent had been drinking this evening, they have a pattern and become SO sensitive/confrontational after a drink. This is happening more frequently over the years but very gradually if that makes sense. Like it’ll happen maybe once every couple of years, then once a year, now that’s 2/3 times this year. If this becomes more frequent, It’s going to divide our family something rotten and muggins here as the only child will be caught right in the middle.

It is exasperating being related to someone like this.

 

[37BBL]

@Bitofthebubbly - (lol your username is ironic! I know the clip it’s from, it’s hilarious) - that must be so hard. I think functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous as the chaotic ones whose lives are falling apart. It creeps up - at least that’s my experience. My parent was a high functioning (had a good job, paid all the bills, ran a household with tons of kids running around, had a large social circle, played the part of everyone’s favourite relative, etc) alcoholic for a long long time before the illness really took over. From my childhood, I always remember them drinking loads and I grew up accepting that as normal and didn’t question it until I was a teenager!

It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.

The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.

Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.

Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.

Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.

I regularly wish they would die, I genuinely think it would be easier in the long run.

Goodness your sister....
I completely agree that they will only accept help of they want it and have to acknowledge the issue first. It's so complicated and frustrating.
The contact with my mum is only more regular at the mo with her being in the hospital, before that it was a once a week 'do you need anything' in lockdown as she's over 70, but before that once a month. It's very awkward for me.
I haven't been to a support group, I've looked into it since it was mentioned here. I'm not ruling it out but I find stuff like that and anything exposing my feelings really hard. Life is so bleugh.

I get that. I never told anyone outisde family and my husband how bad things were until I had to, I.e. I needed time off work and the situation which she had caused was high profile.
Its now 18 months after that and I don't speak about her. Work know not to ask because I am not open about it.
A support group wouldn't be for me at the moment, but I totally get why some people need them. X

 

[AlanBanan]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It might be worth phoning the police, especially as she has other medical issues.

Are you her next-of-kin? If you phone the local hospital(s) they might be able to tell you if she's been admitted, or they might be able to tell the police on your behalf.

My eldest sister would be the next of kin but she kind of wants nothing to do with it as she has a rocky relationship with my mam due to the shit she put us all through when we were kids and teenagers. My eldest brother feels the same. So I think me being the third oldest would me being her next of kin.

I think I might have to ring the hospital she visits as she missed a very important doctors appointment with the diabetes clinic today, as her bloods are getting too high the past few months and they’re unreadable on the glucose meter and then they’re crashing super fast. I don’t even know if she’s alive.

I think I might have to report her as a missing person as well at this point because she won’t answer me, I have rang her 20 times today and sent 30 messages with no reply.

I’m droning on sorry if I sound annoying

 

[Rose28454]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

Just a quick summary of my life with an alcoholic. The whole of our married life he drank but it only became a real problem in 2000 when he was moved for his job. Lots of issues at work caused it to spiral out of control. Finally in 2008 I moved out with our teenage daughter to my sisters and told him to find somewhere to live and he gone when we cane back. I helped him find a flat nearby and from the day he moved out he never touched another drink. Dr put him on meds to help at the start and he attended many meeting 1st 6 months. After 6 months I helped him find a little cottage nearby and he settled in wellZ by this time he was not working and was in benefits plus his work pension.
fast forward to 2017 and he moved back with me in our family home. Lot of money damage done by all that drink but we have just paid off our mortgage ( thanks to an inheritance ) and are finally ok financially.
he is 13 years sober but has never said Sorry to me or his children although he has a strong bond with our daughter now but our son Always calls me rather than his dad
Last year he lost his parents and only sibling and I did worry for his sobriety but he was ok. if someone told me 14 years ago we would be living in peace finally I wouldn’t have believed it
My heart goes out to those going through it

 

[babbling brook]

Just wanted to say I find it so helpful to read everyone’s stories. Being the partner of someone with a dependency/alcoholism is a really lonely and frustrating place to be but it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one. It is heartbreaking to hear of how many people are experiencing this.

 

[Drea1984]

My sibling is a recovering alcoholic. Been dry 4 years. I rarely saw them drunk as tolerance was so high. My parents also drank every night. Not to excess but I remember my mum saying she didn’t want to stop when she started. My partner binge drinks at the weekend which I hate. I rarely drink. I’ve never liked the taste. I hate being around drunk people. Almost scares me?

 

[37BBL]

He isnt, at all. He is still avoiding dealing with what drives him to drink. Before drink, it was something else. Before that, something else. I'm so drained from it. I just don't know what it will take.

Just to say I feel for you. Its an exhausting process to be a part of and unfortunately alcoholics have no regard for how they make us feel.
I was able to break away from my person and cut them off for a while, until they made the right choices and got the help. I know it might not be as easy for you though. Little things used to help me when things were really bad, just anything that took my mind off if even for 10 minutes. Running and watching comedy movies bizarrely, it sort of let me get in a different headspace.
I really hope your person realises soon that they need to address this x

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone
Some heartbreaking stories here
I posted earlier on this thread about my husband. He’s an alcoholic but denies it. Drinks 300ml minimum vodka a day often more/ other drinks. He is adamant this is normal and I’m judgemental.
There has been wbusive incidents in the past when he’s drunk I’m not going to lie but mostly he’s just annoying, talking rubbish and generally drunk
Very much functional has a really good job. No one would believe me.
I was all set to leave last year but doubting myself now. Am I being controlling? Is it me?!

It is never you. Never. An alcoholic can be so sneaky and smart and make it seem like their drinking is no big deal and we are blowing it out of proportion. But the reality is that is that person can’t survive without the drink - no matter how much it is - they are an alcoholic. And when they start changing their behaviour for the worse, it affects loved ones. And that is ALL on them.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I am 27, female and South African. Spent my university years mostly getting pissed out of my face (although I did get a 2:1 in Computer Sciences). After leaving university and finding regular FT employment I used to enjoy a bottle of Jacob's Creek white wine on almost a daily basis.

In fact I drank so much of it that I became addicted. I never ended up truly drunk as far as I know; and neither did I ever end up in hospital. But I just regarding drinking a bottle (sometimes two) of wine on a daily basis in the same way most people regarding drinking tea or coffee.

If I tried drinking beer or red wine or spirits, I would be all over the shop, completely out of my face, and all together a different, far less pleasant person by all accounts.

However, I gave up all spirits and wines a couple of years back when I decided to put my career and my relationships as a priority. So all good there then.

However, ever since this Covid thing, I have started to go back to my (bad) old ways of finding comfort in a bottle of JC despite keeping busy with my workload.

I think the more I read about how this pandemic is becoming more of a complete and utter disaster for everyone, the more I am starting to drink. And yet I really shouldn't have any need to feel so depressed because I have a job, my own home, a girlfriend, a fairly good and regular income, and my family and friends are all in good health (physically at least). But I just find myself turning to the wine again just because its there!

This morning I took an empty wine bottle from last night, and popped into the recycling tub where I found 13 other empty wine bottle that have accumulated since the last collection 2 weeks ago. And it really did finally sink in - that I was drinking THAT much in such a relatively short space of time. And only now have I acknowledged it.

Not quite sure where I'm going with this post. But at the very least I can use it as a bookmark so that I know where I stand and what I need to do next.

 

[Whazgoinin]

How’s everyone doing? Things are better but I’ve realised how anxious the whole thing has made me. I’m still not sure what to do with some of my feelings about it all, I don’t want to raise it with partner cos they seem to be doing well and I shouldn’t put extra stress on them. Mutual friends know now but they are “his” friends and only one of mine really knows about it all and I don’t want to bore her with it!
Christmas feels a bit scary but I’m trying to have faith and I know I can’t do anything to control what happens.

New to this thread but so glad I've found it.
Your posts really resonate with where I am. My husband drinks everyday, I don't know how much, he hides it from me and won't talk about it. He's functioning, goes to work etc. He isn't abusive and is the best husband and Dad in the daytime but come 6pm he clocks off and the drinking starts.
I love him so much but despise his drinking which makes him incoherent and prevents him being present. I've told him he has to sleep on the sofa as I can't sleep in bed with him when he's been drinking but that hasn't changed anything and we barely sleep in the same bed anymore. It's miserable and I was toying with the idea of joining and AlAnon group for support but thought on the off chance there may be something on here which may be of some help. I can't believe there are so many other people who are describing the isolation, worry and internal conflict that I've been feeling for years now.

I see there's not been a post here for a while. I hope everyone is okay.

 

[37BBL]

Hi @AlanBanan have you heard from your mum? I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. Parts of your posts definitely resonate with me, and I am sure many other posters too.
Please don't feel you're derailing the thread. It is for anyone who needs support, a vent, a moan or a chat.

I have been there before when my person was deep in their addiction with the wondering if they are dead thoughts. Not ashamed to say at times I wished they were. Its soul consuming and takes up every ounce of you at times.

I really hope you are taking some time for yourself. A very real reminder that relapses can and do happen, nobody is ever completely safe or clean from it, we could all be back in that position ourselves. Take care.