Alcoholism

[Ponponpon]

She never mentioned AA but I will try suggesting it to her, thanks. She feels it’s best not to tell him. Unfortunately he doesn’t take much seriously and he will likely tell her to get over it, like he did when she spoke to him about her anxiety.

He told her to "get over" her anxiety? That makes me really angry as clearly, it doesn't work like that. I hope she is able to get help, it's such a huge thing for people to admit and accept about themselves. Look after yourself too, it must be heavy for you to know that.

I want to take a big blanket around everyone here. It's actually really scary how much a legal substance has impacted us all.

 

[Gembo]

I suggest you join Al-Anon, we have Zoom meetings on a daily basis, and Zoom meeting for beginners. Find a sponsor you trust for guidance and someone you can talk to someone that understands. My natural instinct when my husband drank and things got difficult at home was to not discuss it with anyone, his secret became mine. He stopped drinking but because he isn't working the program he is what you call a dry drunk. Luckily we don't have kids, but my friends and family do not know that i am married to an alcoholic - his shame became mine. I feel very isolated, fearful and stressed ALL the time. I am in Al-Anon but i do not reach out in bad times. I must admit that its the worst thing in life i am going through and will not wish it upon anyone. Luckily for me no physical abuse but the constant emotional abuse being with an alcoholic is breaking my heart and spirit every day. If i am honest i have thoughts about suicide because i do not have the strength and courage anymore, i am just tired. My self esteem went away, i am always doubting myself because he makes me believe i am the crazy one.

Oh Annie. It is not your shame. Your post is heartbreaking. Please reach out and talk to someone. I’m glad that you have posted here. Alcoholism tears lives apart, so many of them. I do know so much of how you feel. You are not the crazy one. I wish I knew more of what to say to help, just know that you are not alone x

 

[Curly Top]

He isnt, at all. He is still avoiding dealing with what drives him to drink. Before drink, it was something else. Before that, something else. I'm so drained from it. I just don't know what it will take.

I really feel for you. This is so draining. People won't break their addiction unless they are motivated to do it. Everyone around them can do all they can but unless the alcoholic wants to stop, it's all a waste of time.

 

[babbling brook]

I've started listening to a podcast called Hooked. It's on BBC and hosted by two recovering addicts. It's really interesting to hear their experiences and perspectives.

I posted about my husband a while ago. I am cautiously optimistic that he is getting to the point of changing. He knows he can't go on drinking like this (he has told me he knows he drinks too much) but at the same time he has to be the one to make the change and realise for himself that he needs to, and deserves to be, healthier. I find that one of the most frustrating aspects of it. I can nag (horrible word, but feels accurate) him all I want, but he has to be the one who decides to improve his life. I keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for his choices and it makes me feel better.

 

[Ladyinred]

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for almost all my life, then work could him drinking before his shift and he got fired, and that was the beginning of the end sadly. Even after losing him family, job, and house he still could admit he had a problem. We had all tried to get him help but he just wasn’t prepared for it. Sadly Christmas 2014 me and my sister where suppose to visit him and couldn’t get an answer on the phone for days, so my bf drove us to his bed sit, where we spent an hour trying to get dad to open the door, he did eventually and the smell was awful, the bed sit was trashed, vomit, shot, piss, mouldy food, it was heartbreaking to see, whilst dad went to bed, the 3 of us spent over 2 hours cleaning and cooking dad something to eat, which he didn’t eat. He then just started screaming that he needed more booze and we were horrible for not getting it for him, my sister was getting very upset and I needed to get her home and safe for her own mental health, so we told our dad when he is ready for help we will support him( as we had done our whole life) and to call us when he is ready, and we walked out. By the end of January there was a knock on the door at 10pm and it was my mum standing there and I just knew it was her coming to tell me my dad was gone. Apparently the letting agent had come round to do the year checks and let themselves in and found dad in bed, the coroner told us he had likely been dead for 48 hours and I’m so glad it wasn’t one of us that found him, I just wish he had got himself sorted, but only he could make that change, and sadly he was to far in denial until it was to late. There are days were i wish I hadn’t been so angry the last time I saw my dad but I did tell him a loved him which I alway will, I just hope he is looking down and is proud of me

 

[37BBL]

That sounds very familiar, minus the stopping for a few days. Mine's going through enforced quitting currently - in hospital. I googled the withdrawal from alcohol symptoms and all occured, though denial is rife and it's just dehydration not the alcohol. Sending love.


I didn't know that was a thing either. She will blatantly lie and convinced herself she doesn't drink. There have been situations where she's replenished her drink several times in front of others and said it's the first drink (alcoholic or otherwise) since lunchtime.


Oh of that sounds so familiar too. Sending so much love. Do you mind if I ask if she drinks at home or out?

It was at home. She hid it for months and then when it peaked no-one could force her to see how bad things were. It took many tragic things happening before she decided to take things seriously. She always drank in the house, wasn't one to go out on the lash.

Its horrific and I feel for anyone in the situation. I find unless someone has direct experience then they tend to think you are overreacting about how much it affects everyone xx

Thank you, it’s very fresh and recent for me and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My Nan died exactly the same way and I lived through that as she lived with us, that was in my teens. The people left behind are left with so much guilt and the desperate feeling there must have been more they could have done. I feel like the things I saw will haunt me forever. Anyway sorry a bit deep but I do know what you’re dealing with x

I'm with you on that, the sights I have seen my sister in whilst drunk will never leave me. Equally the decisions she made whilst under the influence will never escape my mind.

I can’t imagine how hard things have been for you. X

 

[lozzapalozza]

@lozzapalozza i am so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things were very tough for her, and for someone still quite young you sound amazingly strong and mature. I’m glad you have your brother and boyfriend, but if you ever need a chat or a vent or anything, that’s what this thread is for.

@TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo i don’t have any knowledge in that area, just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear that someone you love has received that diagnosis x

Thank you so much. Always here for you too I honestly think that this world is just too tough for some people, and now her soul is free to find a new world where she can be free and happy. Being so down is no life at all. She is in a better place. I remember me and my boyfriend had a little bicker the other week so I was talking to her asking her what to do ect just as you do in the kitchen talking to myself lol. I went to sleep that night and in the dream my phone rang and it said “Mum” calling. She answered the phone and told me everything I should do. My boyfriend woke me in the night so I shushed him and said “please come back Mum we weren’t finished” and I fell back to sleep, later on she came back, right up to me. She was right there. And we continued our conversation. It was incredible!

What I’m trying to say is, to any of you, your loved one may not be here, in this world, but they are always there with you.

 

[AlanBanan]

Hi @AlanBanan have you heard from your mum? I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. Parts of your posts definitely resonate with me, and I am sure many other posters too.
Please don't feel you're derailing the thread. It is for anyone who needs support, a vent, a moan or a chat.

I have been there before when my person was deep in their addiction with the wondering if they are dead thoughts. Not ashamed to say at times I wished they were. Its soul consuming and takes up every ounce of you at times.

I really hope you are taking some time for yourself. A very real reminder that relapses can and do happen, nobody is ever completely safe or clean from it, we could all be back in that position ourselves. Take care.

Yeah, she got back yesterday night. I have yet to talk face to face with her because I’m so angry with her and her boyfriend is like “you have to be kind she is super sensitive” even though I am the one hurt by her actions, and he fails to comprehend why I am so angry, and hurt by this, he didn’t have to put up with decades of this shit before she got sober like I did, and I know for a fact if I see her I will just want to punch her into the face for pulling this shit again.

 

[Annie101]

How is your husband doing now? I'm glad he finally got himself some help.
Sorry for anyone who is going through this with a loved one.

Hi, thank you for asking, he is out of rehab and back home. You do not get a magical pill in rehab and come back all cured,(I wish) but he is working hard at recovery and doing his 90 meetings in 90 days. I woke him up at 1 in the morning very anxious asking him to give me some assurance that all will be ok. He couldnt, as he can only do one day at a time. I am hopeful but scared.

All my love to all the rest of you

 

[LittleBird]

I'm still waiting for my house to sell that I own with my ex. He had claimed he has stopped drinking and smoking weed now he is living with his mum and dad but text me last night telling me he was going to have a bottle of wine as a treat.

I feel awful saying it but he makes me feel sick. Any excuse for a drink or "treat".

I cannot wait for the house to sell (month 8 in the process cos our buyers are sloooow) because I want to be free of him. I feel chained and suppressed by his issues right now.

 

[babbling brook]

My partner has a massive drink problem (all day every day but functioning). I haven’t left because our relationship is still good, but I feel like if he doesn’t change I will need to soon.
It’s so sad and frustrating. I’ve tried AlAnon but felt like I didn’t belong there as he’s not abusive and I don’t have kids with him so could walk away any time.
I realise I should but the good/bad ratio is still in his favour. For now. I dream about his death sometimes which is horrible.
he got referred but they basically weren’t interested as he has a job etc and just check his bloods and tell him to reduce but don’t seem to have offered any actual support.
Have read about detaching with love and try hard not to enable but suppose the fact I am still there is probably enabling in itself.

My partner drinks too much and is also functioning. He doesn’t drink everyday, although he was close to it during lockdown. What worries me is that he feels the need to drink the second something stresses him out or his routine changes.

He also binges. So he might have nothing all week but then get blackout drunk on Friday night and spend all Saturday moaning about his hangover before the cycle starts again a few days later.

like you, I find most of the support online is geared towards partners who are abusive and mine isn’t. he also has a good job and income so doesn’t fit the stereotype. I know how exhausting it is. I’ve started removing myself from the situation by going to bed early if he’s drinking because I’m so sensitive to any sign of him being drunk and it makes me feel prickly and on edge. And if he does say something I have to remind myself it’s the alcohol talking, not him.

a lot of the advice is to leave but it’s not that simple for me. I don’t want to leave. It’s the drinking I have a problem with, not him. I feel like I am waiting for him to realise he needs to change. He just doesn’t think he needs to change because it’s only been a few years he’s been drinking like this, not for 10/20/30+ years like others. It’s hard. You have to look after yourself.

 

[Definitelyme]

Just checking in with everyone. This time of year can be hard for alcoholics, and therefore for those around them.

Hope everyone is keeping well

 

[babbling brook]

Have you ever spoken to him about it? If I were you I would explain that you are worried and feel the same way about him drinking as he does about his parents. Not to be stereotypical but I think men have to have emotional issues spelled out to them very very obviously, and if he does have a problem alcoholics are very selfish and won’t notice the feelings of others around them. It’s easier said than done speaking about this subject though, and if he is in denial about it he might be quite defensive.

If it is really worrying you quite badly I think you should establish some clear boundaries of what you feel comfortable with. You clearly aren’t comfortable with his drinking and the issue needs to be nipped in the bud before it becomes unstoppable.

I’m not sure if this advice is any good, I’m not a professional, just going from my gut feelings. My mum always says if she could go back in time and speak to herself at the beginning of her relationship with my dad she would be screaming at younger self. You don’t ever want to end up regretting things like that.

Best wishes to you both x

Yeah, he knows exactly how I feel. We've been having this conversation for the past year.

There is definitely an element of denial and he gets defensive when I try and bring it up. I've learned not to try speaking to him about it when he is drinking because it doesn't accomplish anything. I go to bed and let him get on with it and let him deal with his hangover. He uses alcohol as a stress relief but doesn't seem to get that it's a depressant. He is definitely going through something but either doesn't know what is making him stressed or doesn't want to think/talk about it. He always says it is work related.

To be fair to him, he has cut back a lot. He doesn't drink hard liquor every night anymore but when he does he binges - usually once a week. I dread to think of the health effects.

Anyway! Thank you for replying! Sorry for the essay. I know my situation could be much worse than it is. It feels good to get it off my chest and see how other people are coping. x

 

[Nobodyputsbabyinthecorner]

Just wondering if anyone else has struggled through ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ due to a loved one’s abuse of alcohol? It’s not the first year and no doubt won’t be the last but I have never felt as affected by it as I have this year. I’m angry and bitter - I really don’t like the person I’m becoming because of it sorry to rant I’ve just got no one to talk to about it. They’re killing me slowly on the inside

 

[Ponponpon]

Hey everyone, just wanted to check in on you all and hope you're all ok x

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

 

[Annie101]

Highlight and love of my life. Sorry for non dog lovers out there, but we even have our baths together

 

[GiftedNotFree]

@Bitofthebubbly - (lol your username is ironic! I know the clip it’s from, it’s hilarious) - that must be so hard. I think functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous as the chaotic ones whose lives are falling apart. It creeps up - at least that’s my experience. My parent was a high functioning (had a good job, paid all the bills, ran a household with tons of kids running around, had a large social circle, played the part of everyone’s favourite relative, etc) alcoholic for a long long time before the illness really took over. From my childhood, I always remember them drinking loads and I grew up accepting that as normal and didn’t question it until I was a teenager!

It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.

The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.

Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.

Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.

Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.

 

[Annie101]

It is always someone else's fault according to an alcoholic. It takes guilt away from them. Don't go alone through this, we are all here for you as we all have the same struggles and you can PM me any time. You are not alone.

 

[Definitelyme]

The thread had slipped quite far down, so just thought I’d say hi and hope you are all doing well, and bump us up where we are visible for anyone else who may need a place to be.