Alcoholism

[GiftedNotFree]

I’ve not read all the comments yet but will go back to read them. The bloodline on one side of my family is very addictive - my parent is an alcoholic, their sister died of an overdose, my grandparent died from alcoholism and my other aunts/uncle all have various substance abuse issues as well as shopping addiction it’s a lot basically!

My parent almost lost their battle with alcohol a few years ago but is luckily now in recovery and sober for 4 years. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever dealt with (and I’ve dealt with some stuff). Even now, I think I have PTSD from their drinking and the fallout from all of it. Dealing with it as it’s happening is almost too much to bear — it’s constant fear, worry, stress, panic, obsessively thinking of what they’re doing / where they are / if they’re safe as well as all the actually physical heavy lifting that’s required to actually help and support them. I really truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

For me, I couldn’t just cut my parent off so had to come up with ways to cope. Accepting that it’s not YOUR fault is pretty huge — I went to one AlAnon meeting but don’t think I’ve as in the right headspace for it to be beneficial. A lot of the people in the group had no recent experience of dealing with an alcoholic and were mostly people that had an alcoholic that was in long term recovery so I felt a bit alienated. Not to say they don’t have their place, but being able to cope day to day for me meant coping mechanisms that didn’t include meetings.

Working on accepting my emotions and how i felt about my parent was pivotal. I can love them but can’t change them. I can help them but can’t fix them etc. I can criticise them but still appreciate them for the person they are.

Good luck to anyone in this situation, it can be utterly horrendous.

 

[Drea1984]

My brother (late 40s) is an alcoholic. He hasn’t worked for 25 years hugely enabled by our parents.
Parents gone now. So has the money he relies on from them.
He lies, has stolen from me and has now called my adult daughter for money which she gave.
He will not help himself.
He doesn’t want to change just for us to carry on doling out cash like my parents did.
I hate him. I could knock him out for asking my daughter for money.
We used to be so close.
To be truthful I just want him to die now.
I cannot go on with him. My nightmare is to see him begging in our town? He had everything.
He was always the favourite, had it all and wasted it.

 

[Gembo]

One of the things that is so hard about alcoholism is the balance between knowing that your loved one must be suffering in some way and the desperate need to help them but the need to protect yourself from the abuse and the emotional toll of it all. There is the school of thought in general that if you really love someone you never turn your back on them no matter what and that can lead to a lot of guilt in the families of alcoholics, I know I struggle with it. But when you’re being screamed at, sometimes abused it’s hard to do anything but try to protect yourself. It’s often the case that the family members can go on to suffer depression, anxiety, even have panic attacks and breakdowns. Its an awful thing to experience.

 

[Curly Top]

Does anyone ever have nightmares about bad experiences they’ve been through or like premonitions of falling again? I don’t understand why but I’ve suddenly been having frequent dreams about going into hospital with alcohol poisoning? It’s so strange as I never got to a point where I needed to seek medical advice for drinking, but it’s creeping me out now.

I think you know deep down if you are drinking too much. When you are conscious it's easy to persuade yourself that you don't have a problem. When you are asleep your subconscious takes over and hence the dreams occur bringing your worries to the fore.

I drank too much for years, off to a late start thankfully.

I worked in an industry in the 80s and 90s where drinking was rife. It was part of the job. The trouble was that even when I stopped working I carried on boozing. I knew I drank over the Government guidelines, but hey who doesn't? I thought I drank like a typical fun woman of my age and lifestyle.

It was only when I went on a couple of holidays with women who I thought would be "like me" that I realised that I had gone well past the point of no return. They were all politely amazed and said I must have hollow legs with the amount I could take on board without getting tipsy. Because I always did a lot of sport and remained fit looking and mainly drank at home, it wasn't obvious I was a drinker. It dawned on me that I was not typical and that I must do something about it.

I decided I must cut down and tried all kinds of carefully contrived strategies: drinking at the weekends only, drinking only when I went out, drinking a glass of water between every glass, trying low alcoholic wine, drinking only very expensive wine and even drinking alcohol I didn't like that much. None of it worked. I could always work out a way to drink. The thing is I like being drunk. I am completely incapable of drinking moderately. I had one last glorious swansong boozy episode with my friends, where I ended up falling over and not even remembering how I got home and then gave up. That was two years ago.

My overriding emotion now is relief that I am out of this cycle. I don't crave it and I don't mind people drinking around me. I'm glad I did this before the lockdown as I dread how much I would have put away at this time.

It can be done. Once you have your head focused on why you want to give up that is half the battle.

Some lucky souls can drink moderately and I doff my cap to them. I know I can't ever join their ranks.

Good luck everyone here.

 

[northernspaces]

Hi guys

My dad was a functioning alcoholic until I was around 14/15 when he became... unfunctioning? I’m not sure of the term. I haven’t lived with him since I was 16. I’m now in my final year of university (21) and he has relapsed really terribly after being in rehab for the first time. I had been really positive, visiting him loads, doing anything for him. Now I feel more helpless than ever.

The situations he is getting into are scarier and scarier. You all will know the jist but bad hallucinations/terrible forgetfulness/blacking out for days even when sober. Last month he phoned my mum in the early morning saying he had gotten into a fight and lifted by the police. We still don’t know if he hallucinated this or not as our local station had no info but his hands were all scraped. So terrifying as my dad has never in a million years lifted his hand to anyone and I never thought I’d see the day he could. Feels like the beginning of the end and that I am just waiting for the final call.

I know realistically it’s only him that can help himself but I still feel so guilty that I can’t help him. Just completely hopeless at this point - sorry to bring the mood down lol. Now I am just looking for people to chat to about our similar experiences because none of my friends understand and I don’t want to burden them with these crazy situations. My brother and I don’t like to speak to each other about it and if we do we end up just moody and depressed.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

My OH had finally reached out for help but he isnt really trying. He sets targets and fails at each one, justifies and excuses drinking.. im so sick of him being useless falling asleep on the sofa the next day, snapping at the kids, leaving me feeling like im alone, the worry of what he'll do when drunk (nothing violent!) .. its just so draining. Its hard to stay, but its hard to leave.

 

[theghosttown]

Quite glad to find this forum after quite an upsetting Christmas.

We have been quite worried about my brothers drinking sometime. He’s incredibly smart, has a really good job but he also is quite difficult to deal with. Nothing is ever his fault, he knows best, always has an excuse etc.
Summer this year his drinking got so bad that he fell over and knocked two teeth out and busted his face - the hospital gave him a blood test and his blood alcohol levels were at stroke inducing levels
We tried to get him to stop drinking but he doesn’t think he’s got an issue and can be super reflective when we bring it ups
This Christmas however we have witnessed just now bad it has got. He drank a whole bottle of gin day before Christmas Eve, wine and beer the following day, Christmas Day he drank half a bottle of whiskey before mid day, could barely eat Christmas dinner and fell asleep. Then he was back up to drinking red wine. Boxing Day he polished off nearly a bottle of gin which he was sharing with people but it turned out he was drinking it completely neat. The thing is if we remove alcohol from the house he will just go out and get his own, he’s staying with my mum at the moment so we don’t know what he is getting up to on his own. He is also only staying with my mum until end of jan so we don’t know what he is getting up to on his own.
Where do we start with this? Particularly trying to help someone who just will not be told. Everyone is worried sick over this.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Being on tattle makes you realise how everyone is going through something in their own way. Everyone has a story and they aren’t always pleasant. My dad was an alcoholic and it took him quite quickly. He started drinking heavily when I was 10 and he passed away two weeks before I turned 14. His funeral was two days after my birthday. At the time I was numb from it and I’m ashamed to say I had disowned him at this point. But, I look back and realise I was only a child and had tried and pleaded so many times for him to stop but nothing ever sank in. He went to rehab a few times but, never any joy. I remember thinking, how could he do this to us, he always said my brother and I were his world so how could he hurt us so much. For years I bottled it up and never said anything about what happened, most people didn’t even know my dad had passed. When I would tell friends in conversation they would cry and I would feel nothing. It wasn’t until I got a bit older at 17 when I had almost an epiphany. I was on a pilgrimage in Lourdes helping the elderly with college (I’m not very religious by the way but, I’ve always been raised a catholic). One night we had a nighttime mass outside and lit some candles and was encouraged to share experiences we had. People started opening their hearts about family members they had lost and how they missed them. I didn’t say anything as it’s not my thing. But, quietly I took myself off, lit a candle and said, I forgive you dad. It felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. From then onwards, I realised that being an alcoholic is not a life choice and I believe it is a mental illness. Most people who have it have no control just like depression. Telling them to stop or cheer up will not work. It is so much more intricate than that. If I could give my younger self some wisdom, I would say to let the person know that you love them and you’ll always be there for them and remember the person they once were. Gently encourage them to get some help but, don’t push them as this usually backfires. But, most of all, don’t blame yourself or anyone else. It is never the answer and causes so much hurt. My auntie who is a horrible person blamed me and called me a murderer when my dad passed away. She said I should have done more as I was his baby girl. It’s always stuck with me. It’s 12 years today since my dad passed away and I can now openly talk about him with my family and friends in a positive light. Remembering all the cherished memories we were lucky to make. Even now I’m finding things out about him that I never knew and sharing anecdotes with my mum.

Sending my love to everyone dealing with this themselves or with someone they love

Fuck this was like reading my own story. I am sobbing. There are no other words I can say

 

[AlanBanan]

She still isn’t back home. I don’t even know what to say, I know she’s alive, I just don’t know where she is. She still won’t pick up the phone or reply back to my texts but her Facebook messenger does tell me that she is active and seeing messages I am sending her.

At this point I’m just gonna have to cut my losses with her, as I’ve tried everything in my power to try find her and make sure she gets home safe and can get better.

I don’t want to derail the thread anymore so I will only update if she’s back.

Seriously thanks to all of you for letting me rant and let me write out my frustration over her and giving me advice it means a lot xxx

 

[Shoequeen91]

I’m really struggling with my Dad and his alcoholism. He’s been alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He has had one or two bouts of being sober, one stint for as long as 3 years. It’s so so draining, he doesn’t want help otherwise he wouldn’t constantly fail. He can be really verbally abusive and controlling to my Mom (and myself and brother. I just have him blocked now so I don’t have contact unless it’s through my Mom because it does nothing for my own health). He has to know what she’s doing all the time and where she is.


He has to plan everyone’s day and everyone has to drop everything for him based on his needs (fuck the fact that we have jobs right?!). Take for example today, myself and my brother were going to visit him this evening with our Mom (I don’t like her going to his by herself) and he asked for us to go today (he wants help with something so that’s the only reason he’s asked us to go). That’s fine. Now he’s pissed up and had been hounding my Mom all day just being an idiot and taking the high ground because we refuse to be around him when he’s drunk. He doesn’t like it when you call him out for being drunk either. But he blatantly slurring. I am convinced he’s mixing his prescription medication up too with all this booze.

For background my parents are estranged and don’t live together. Technically separated but not divorced.

He’s clearly very unwell, barely leaves his flat and is constantly incoherent. Doesn’t like it when you say he’s drunk. Doesn’t like it when you catch him drinking. Doesn’t like it how I look in his bins and call him out on his bullshit. Doesn’t do anything for himself (my Mom does his weekly shop, phones to sort his docs appointments or his dentist appointments. Myself and brother sort out his phone contract and monitor his emails for him). He has alcohol delivered to his house by a local shop and I’m trying to find out which shop it is as I want to go in and demand they stop delivering it. I just think it’s disgusting and these people are taking the absolute piss and most likely laughing at my Dad as he pays them to consistently get drunk and feed his alcoholism.


It’s totally life ruining. I feel like I would given anything to have a normal father. Absolutely anything. Just for the peace. The worst of it all when he’s sober, he is brilliant. So so good for advice. He just can’t stay sober, or maybe he doesn’t want to. Heartbreaking cause clearly his family and their feelings mean zilch to him as this is all I ask and he can’t even do that.


On the other hand I’m so so worry about him dying lonely cause I wouldn’t want that for him. He has got people around who love him The whole thing is such a headfuck.

It’s took me some time to pluck up the courage to post here as I have people in my real life who know my user but don’t know the full details re: my dad, but fuck it. I’m so sick of feeling stunted and embarrassed by all of this when it’s his actions, not mine.

 

[Flowergirl14]

My brother. He’s an alcoholic. He left me to deal with everything for 2.5 years after my father who I didn’t get on with had a stroke. No help. Practical or administrative. When we inherited after our father died he wanted to be friends. I don’t. I can’t get past him leaving me to deal with everything. I don’t forgive him. I had to write my fathers eulogy even tho I said it wasn’t appropriate. I feel I should try with my brother but the basic fact is I don’t want to? I have done a lot to help my brother but he is frankly a burden.

After years of stress, I have cut 2 of my siblings out of my life. My life now is so much better for it.
I wish you well.

 

[NothingToHideDownAHole]

Would highly recommend One Year No Beer. They do 28,90 and 365 challenges. You could do the 28 together as a fun thing. It’s hard to get people to admit though, I sympathise with you. My stepdaughters lost their mum to alcoholism and it is devastating

 

[Ponponpon]

This thread is heartbreaking, sending love to everyone who needs it

Both my partner and I have functioning alcoholics in the family, a parent each. They don’t seem to cause any major issues but we know they drink a lot more than is healthy.

My parent has gotten into some relatively minor arguments with family and sent some odd messages to family group chats after a drink but not enough for anyone to realise it could be anything more serious. As I was the one living with them I witnessed first hand how often they drank and it was daily after work In the week and all afternoon over the weekends. Not sure on exact amounts but I’d say they were drinking enough to get tipsy at the very least and often crashed out on the sofa and claimed to be exhausted from work. For years and years and I’m sure that habit hasn’t changed. My parent still manages to hold down a job, is good at it and respected in their workplace they manage to function normally and visit people, do the weekly shop and pay all bills and basically do everything ‘normal’ people do. So on the surface it seems like they have it all together but I feel like I know the truth and it’s just sad. I worry for their health and am convinced I’m gonna get a phone call saying they’ve been hospitalised at any time, and how this could escalate at any time into full blown alcoholism and their life starts falling apart. Thankfully that didn’t happen over lockdown whilst they were furloughed although I’m sure drinking increased although I don’t know for sure since I no longer live there.

My partners parent is very similar in the way they drink after work and in the afternoon at weekends. They actually became seriously ill with pancreatitis and was bedridden for weeks/months. I have no idea if alcohol can cause this but I know it didn’t help matters. They stopped/cut down on the drinking for a while after they recovered but then it’s gradually ramped up again over time. They are also a really irritating drunk who drones on and on and I just can’t see it ending well.

Functioning alcoholics are scary because not everyone realises the extent of their drinking. I have tried mentioning it to family but I just don’t think they get it. I also had a grand parent with an identical pattern of drinking, I’m relieved I don’t seem to be going down the same path but I’m still hugely concerned about our family members.

I think your situations highlights a real issue. Alcoholics are stereotyped as a certain type of person, like Onso from Keeping Up Appearances or something, a pub regular etc. The reality is very different and are found in all sections of society. My mum lives in a very affluent area, I went to a private school (not clever enough for a scholarship though!), she's driven nice cars, she had a respectable job before she gave it up to be a stay at home mum... In fact I remember telling my tutor at school and was basically told "no she's not, alcoholics don't have the money to pay our fees".

@Bitofthebubbly - (lol your username is ironic! I know the clip it’s from, it’s hilarious) - that must be so hard. I think functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous as the chaotic ones whose lives are falling apart. It creeps up - at least that’s my experience. My parent was a high functioning (had a good job, paid all the bills, ran a household with tons of kids running around, had a large social circle, played the part of everyone’s favourite relative, etc) alcoholic for a long long time before the illness really took over. From my childhood, I always remember them drinking loads and I grew up accepting that as normal and didn’t question it until I was a teenager!

It reached a breaking point into my late teens and then came a major decline. Marriage breakdown, job loss, relationship strained (in some cases beyond repair). It was so gradual though, I didn’t really see it coming.

The intense or manic phase of alcoholism that came after this was sustained and I’m still surprised that they survived it. Truly — not saying that to be hyperbolic, but some of the things and situations my parent got themselves into is mind boggling.

Alcohol withdrawal IS SO DANGEROUS, it’s a really scary place to be. I just wanted to say, in spite of all that, recovery IS possible. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Nothing will change without them choosing to live rather than die to addiction.

Also, from my experience, I had to accept that it is a disease that most people don’t choose to have in order to forgive what had gone before and move on. I’m still not 100% there but I’m in a much better place than in those dark days of feeling like this would be life forever until they died. I feel no shame now in stating there was times I wished they would die to get relief. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a the reality of it.

Sorry for rambling! Sending strength and solidarity to anyone who needs it.

I've totally thought the bit in bold, many times, including recently. It's always caused me inner turmoil, and actually still does to a degree, but I can perceive it differently to how I did when I first thought it at c 12.

 

[Dogtanian]

500ml of Vodka is around 20 units of alcohol. If he is doing this 7 days a week then that's 140 units a week. I don't think you ought to be doubting yourself that he is an alcoholic.

 

[37BBL]

Sending love to everyone.
My alcoholic sibling, who is now apparently 8 months sober, with one minor slip she says, was hospitalised over the weekend.

She was apparently being sick consistently and couldn't keep anything down. Called 111 and they sent an ambulance. She has a virus and gallstones, potentially gastroenteritis. Shamed to admit but I wasn't even bothered when my mum told me. I assumed it was alcohol related. I've googled and there is no link between gallstones and alcoholism. I still don't really care that she is ill though which isn't good on my part.

I am not convinced she stays sober. I read my mums messages (it went off when I was in her kitchen and she was walking the dog) there was an evening she should have been round for tea and didnt go, my mum had messaged her several times and no response. This is what used to happen when she was in drink. The messages said she was poorly being sick, she obviously was as she is now in hospital but I am still dubious.

Its so difficult. I know my mum is worried about her, but I just couldn't really care less so I struggle to empathise.

 

[AlanBanan]

She still hasn’t got in contact with me but her messenger was online 4 hours ago so that’s a good thing. It’s confirming she’s not sick or isn’t dead. I have sent her a few more messages and called her a few more times, she hasn’t seen the Facebook ones but idk If she seen the normal text ones

Her dogs were very good for me last night, they played with my dog last night and were happy to see him but they didn’t want to sleep in the bed with me. So they slept on the dog bed on the floor.

I know my best option is the police but I’m just so worried she won’t speak to me again if her face and name is all over thejournal and the gardaí missing person report site tomorrow. But she’s too old to be acting like this, she’s nearly 60 and having me up the wall with worry.

She left me in charge of my younger siblings for years and is now back to her old shit again after ten years of being clean.

I can’t even tell you the stories of the shit she’s put me through since I’m a kid as it just makes me regress to a 13 year old me helpless against my mam being a useless drunken bitch, conked out in bed all day and leaving me in charge of my 4 younger brothers. I was 12 years old and changing a new baby’s nappy and feeding him as well having him sleep in the bed with me, as my ma was too piss drunk to get up to feed him in the nights and morning and my dad would be in work so I’d feel guilty waking him to feed the baby, I missed so much school because of her alcoholism, it’s a wonder how I even did well in school. Then my dad being an emotionally neglectful cunt who always looked at her with heart eyes, always looked at her with rose tint glasses and failing to realise she’s neglected all of us.

I don’t even know what to do, I feel like a kid all over again. I love her and my dad but they have so much to answer for how I am. I am fucked in the head because of them.

 

[AlanBanan]

Have you spoken to your siblings about reporting her missing Alan?

I know it is incredibly tough, but this is having a massive effect on your mental well-being and health. You’ve had to take time off work too. I know this is selfish but I would stop worrying about her feelings, she has put herself in danger and you are doing what you can to protect her. She might not like it but you have tried all other avenues.

I am very sorry for the late reply, I just got busy.

My other siblings are not bothered as they don’t have the best relationship over the stuff she has put us through in the past and I think I’m too much of a soft touch and have bad anxiety so I can’t help but worry about her cause she is still my Mother, I just can’t switch off my love for her even though she put me through so much.

She sent me a small message today to say she’ll be home to hers later, but she has yet to show up. But at least I know she is alive so that helps me worry a bit less. I think I scared her as I messaged her and a few of her old drinking friends that I think she’d be with that I have no choice but to report as missing.

I am still at a lost for words, because I don’t know what the fuck she is thinking and putting me through.

 

[Miffy46]

Hi all, I have messaged in here before about my dad and his binge drinking. We are currently in another binge period - since February he has been drinking everyday and just lying in his bed. I haven’t gone along much or phoned him but it is just really hanging over my head. I was looking at old photos and came across one of him as a little boy and I just felt so sad for him, and what he has become. He is such a talented, funny person with such a dark cloud over his head. I hope you are all doing ok

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

Do they just have no empathy? I just don't get how someone can grow hatred over tiny things. I can't get my head round it all. Lack of empathy and just not normal behaviour

For my sister I flit between thinking she's a narcissist and thinking she's a sadist, or possibly both. I've never known her to care about anyone. My mum's cried before, telling me that since she was born my sister's never once loved her. She will pretend to like you to get something in return though and she's brilliant at making friends/getting jobs (and rubbish at keeping both.) She's very manipulative and was physically violent as well to our mum and dad and to her partners.

It's hard for me to describe my sister without looking like I'm crazy but the worst thing she's ever done (and why we are now no contact) was that she wanted a favour from me and I couldn't physically do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I couldn't. A few months later my mum phones me in tears and tells me that she's really sorry for everything and she understands that I want her to die.

...What?

Turns out my sister's revenge on me was to phone our mum, every day, and tell her that I had told her that I hated my mum (who survived a previous suicide attempt), that I wished she would kill herself, that she had ruined my life and that I want her to die. Every day for over three months before my mum broke down and told me about it. It was all 100% lies but for weeks afterwards all I heard was "it's okay if you want me to die, I understand."

To me she's unforgivable.

 

[Likkleone]

Key is to protect yourself before helping others. I grew up with an alcoholic father and met my ex who had only recently become sober.

The two experiences were very different but both just as hard. You’re watching someone destroy themselves as well as watching a partner you love find themselves again and battle with the idea that they’ve lost themselves without drink. You’re constantly on edge and worry for them when things get tough.

Both my dad and ex were so sure they were ‘fine’ and any suggestion that they weren’t was met with deaf ears or diversion onto what was wrong with me.

People can only change when they decide themselves to do so. You can give them the resources and point them in the right direction and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on but you must remember that they may return to their old ways one day and you really really have to protect yourself for when/if that day does come.

I feel during lockdown I've wanted to drink more even though i have ed I'm beginning to count down till wine o clock my gran was alcoholic retired really young ,widowed and plenty £ I hoped it would have skipped the generations but recently seems to have skipped dad and hit me .my gran was lovely think she drank because she missed my papa so much I'm dealing with berivement and loss scared it will get worse it hits late night then I hit vodka and coke and red wine I'm early 40s why would I do this now ?

Loss is a hard thing to process and we all have different coping mechanisms to cope with it. You MUST remind yourself that you are your own person and not your Gran. Alcoholism doesn’t run in the blood, it can follow generations because of behaviour patterns seen in the early stages of development and throughout life.

This isn’t a bad thing you’ve noticed, this is in fact very good. You’re noticing a behaviour in yourself that isn’t good. It’s a signal to yourself that you’re creating a pattern that is self destructive and could ultimately lead to worse things. Right now you have the opportunity to tackle this.

Drink and drugs for the most part are used as a distraction to inner feelings that you can’t quite deal with right now. Perhaps you need to release the emotions you’ve felt after the bereavement? Or maybe you need to heal from the fear that one day you’ll end up like your Gran. Talking to someone will help, whether it’s a therapist or an anonymous person here! I personally use a few things such as CBD, yoga, swimming, CODA meetings (for codependency & for friends/family of alcoholics) and positive affirmations every night when I’ve felt low. It’s not easy, but they do help to reset negative thought patterns.

I wish you SO much happiness and hope.