Alcoholism

[lozzapaloozza]

Reading this thread makes me mad sometimes I think because it brings up old emotions of how I felt throughout my mums battle and hearing people talk about them drinking makes me have flashbacks of when I was in that time

 

[Annie101]

When i say things are good, i mean that i am not being verbally and emotionally abused. I am not locked outside the house or locked inside a room. Those are my good days. He is not drinking but with all the dry drunk symptoms, it makes me sad going home at night, and hear what pissed him off during the day and just vomiting negative stuff. I get sent flowers etc, and i appreciate it, but in my perfect world it would be nice not feeling tense, nervous going home or being in an amazing mood and him being so negative so that it sucks all the life out of me. But like they say - one day at a time. Thanks for your support on our little group xx

 

[lozzapaloozza]

You know guys, so many things happened to me the last few months, and i have kept quiet about it, i dont know why i cannot confide in friends or family, it is probably the shame of it. The little bit i share is already a big relief. thank you

I think often we feel telling our friends and family will make them feel less of us or that they will change their opinion on us and our person, but the truth is they would 100% be there for you and want to help! My family didn’t tell anyone until my mum passed that she was so ill, and I never told anyone what happened, now I look back and think why did I not? I wish I had this thread when it was all happening. I’m glad you feel a little bit better, it’s so corny but a problem shared is a problem halved!

 

[Ponponpon]

Thank you for this. I’ve never realised fully that there’s people out there who understand this too It can make you feel so isolated!

They never understand what it’s like from our perspective because addiction makes them selfish. It’s so tiring. Especially when they are supposed to be our family who support and care for us.

x

If I had a £1 for every time I've been told "your mum's lovely she wouldn't do that" or equivalent, I'd be a millionaire!

 

[Annie101]

being brutally honest, living with an addict is like being an extra in a movie. The addict is the main character and you lose yourself that you become that extra on the side that no one notice. I believe for the first time today, that it has damaged me and its like a dark cloud hanging over me, and my thoughts scares me as i am just looking for an easy way out.

 

[Flowergirl14]

This made so much sense to me wow! When I would be having fun or buy anything nice for myself she would put me down and make me feel so awful. Like if she was depressed we all had to be, I know she was in such a horrible place so I can understand but that wasn’t right. I feel guilty even saying this

My mum was an alcoholic and made everything about her.
When I told her I was getting married, she did not say congratulations - she said we do want a bunch of strangers around here. It was all about her outfit and hat. Nil involvement in the wedding arrangements.
When I told her that I was pregnant with our first baby, she just continually said I was banging the walls with you.
Zero support ever.
She has passed away now and I miss her, and forgive her.
It makes me try to be a better parent to my 2 teenagers.
Alcohol is a dangerous thing.

 

[Annie101]

I never thought i would be able to do the above, but it helps. Love to you all

 

[mochibean]

My friend has made a positive change, I'm beyond surprised. She let go of the girl and is now working on letting go of the drink and drugs.
Of course it's going to be hard but I'm proud of her right now.

 

[Kmacg]

All of us must remember the 3 C's
you didn't cause it
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it

I needed to read this tonight.

Partner is an alcoholic. Will easily sink 3 bottles of wine, plus beers. He moved in with my and my kids 5 years ago and it has got better (I only allow him 1 bottle of wine & 4 beers a night, which keeps him happy enough but Im still not pleased about that) but he will have a massive blow out every few months if Im not there. He had one on Saturday. Kids were away and we made plans to go out for food when I finished work. He turns up 30 minutes late, smashed. Cant string a sentence together. Is insistant we go to every pub we pass for 'a quick one' but we had a reservation at a burger place. Worth mentioning here that I dont drink and was driving us home.

Ruined our whole night. Our first night out in 18 months and i was so excited about it all week. He was vile during dinner, almost started a fight, when he drinks he will argue that the sky is purple even if you were just talking about cats, because he cant follow a conversation. It upset me so much that we left at 9pm and he passed out on the sofa 2 minutes after getting home.

Its now Monday and we have barely spoken. He hasnt had a drink since (that i know of, his hidding place is empty and ive found no bottles anywhere else) but he knows Im upset, hes just too ashamed to apologise. I have a job interveiw in the morning and hes gone to bed without saying goodnight or good luck, nothing. Hes made me feel like its me in the wrong (i know thats not true but it doesnt hurt any less)

Sorry, just needed to vent. A few friends know the issues but their answer is to leave him. Family dont know the extent. Hes a fantastic step dad, i just wish he could stop drinking.

 

[Hazel1593]

Yesterday my friend told me she is an alcoholic. She says no one else knows about it, not even her boyfriend. She drinks every night because her anxiety is so bad. In the morning she is really sick but tells those close to her that it’s due to her anxiety. She’s tried to get help- a psychiatrist told her they couldn’t help her unless she cut down on her alcohol consumption. Clearly it’s not that easier for her. I told her I’m here for her if she needs to talk but I just felt pretty useless tbh- I’m not sure what I can do to help and support her

 

[JoeBloggs]

Have you spoken to your siblings about reporting her missing Alan?

I know it is incredibly tough, but this is having a massive effect on your mental well-being and health. You’ve had to take time off work too. I know this is selfish but I would stop worrying about her feelings, she has put herself in danger and you are doing what you can to protect her. She might not like it but you have tried all other avenues.

 

[Definitelyme]

My friend had another bad patch. She downed a whole bottle of JD on her own on snapchat and then proceeded to drink more. She's so lucky she didn't get alcohol poisoning. She ended up passed out on the kitchen floor, spoke to her the next day and she's been doing better since. Nowhere near where I hope she'll get too, but relapse is part of recovery.

It's difficult. I love her to death we've been friends for so so long and I think the world of her. To see her wasting her life away like this is so sad. We're trying to push her in better directions, being out of work so long isn't helping either. We'll see, but addiction is tough.

Addiction is tough for loved ones too. You are such a wonderful friend, she’s so lucky to have you. And hopefully she finds the will to do the hard work.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I needed to read this tonight.

Partner is an alcoholic. Will easily sink 3 bottles of wine, plus beers. He moved in with my and my kids 5 years ago and it has got better (I only allow him 1 bottle of wine & 4 beers a night, which keeps him happy enough but Im still not pleased about that) but he will have a massive blow out every few months if Im not there. He had one on Saturday. Kids were away and we made plans to go out for food when I finished work. He turns up 30 minutes late, smashed. Cant string a sentence together. Is insistant we go to every pub we pass for 'a quick one' but we had a reservation at a burger place. Worth mentioning here that I dont drink and was driving us home.

Ruined our whole night. Our first night out in 18 months and i was so excited about it all week. He was vile during dinner, almost started a fight, when he drinks he will argue that the sky is purple even if you were just talking about cats, because he cant follow a conversation. It upset me so much that we left at 9pm and he passed out on the sofa 2 minutes after getting home.

Its now Monday and we have barely spoken. He hasnt had a drink since (that i know of, his hidding place is empty and ive found no bottles anywhere else) but he knows Im upset, hes just too ashamed to apologise. I have a job interveiw in the morning and hes gone to bed without saying goodnight or good luck, nothing. Hes made me feel like its me in the wrong (i know thats not true but it doesnt hurt any less)

Sorry, just needed to vent. A few friends know the issues but their answer is to leave him. Family dont know the extent. Hes a fantastic step dad, i just wish he could stop drinking.

Why do you stay with him? Genuinely asking, not trying to be rude. He doesn’t sound like he has any interest in how you feel at all and frankly he used your night out as another excuse to get blind drunk.
does he acknowledge that he has a problem? Would he be open to getting help?

I know you love him but ask yourself, are you willing to live the rest of your life like this? Seriously? I also wonder how he can possibly be such a great step father when he behaves like this? It’s not right for your kids to have to live with a man who has a drinking problem.

 

[37BBL]

I've 100% been there with wishing my person dies. I think it pretty much every day to be honest. It sounds horrible and I would never say it out loud to any friends because they wouldn't understand at all. I've told my husband and he said he knew where I was coming from, but he thinks I don't really mean that. I totally do, when someone brings so much pain, trauma and hurt to you and other family members, and they won't change no matter what, you wish the worst things because nothing else would make the situation stop.

My person has scarpered now to another city to go and meet her friends from rehab. My mum has had several messages saying she is sorry and is now sober and will never drink again. Heard it all before and I don't buy it for a second.

Sadly my mum will probably be taken in by the lies and will give her another chance, to then be left heartbroken again when she messes up.

Sending love to you all xxx

 

[Shoequeen91]

Had to write this somewhere - posted something on the rant thread because honestly I find this entire thing embarrassing, draining and just so soul destroying. My Dad is going from bad to worse. Each year I don’t think it can get any worse and then it does. I don’t know a week where he isn’t drinking until he blackout drunk or verbally abusive. I feel like we enable him because we take him places when he does stop drinking (for two days maximum at a time) and we sort his food out for him, but tonight he’s just been so unnerving on the phone that I really think I need to formulate a plan to leave where I live. It’s too much. I feel like my body is in a constant state of stress. I feel like I’m not going to be able to switch off and I’ve had such a long day when it comes to my job (5.30am wake up to go a conference in London) that all I wanted tonight was to get home, relax and sleep soundly and it’s just not going to happen. I feel like the worst is always going to happen and I have absolutely zero control in any of this. I feel like I can’t let anyone in cause this whole thing is so fucking embarrassing who is going to want to deal with someone who has shit like this going on in her life. It’s stunting my growth with relationships. I thrive elsewhere (even if it’s exhausting sometimes trying to paint a perfect picture of my father being okay. I don’t know how my mom was married to him for so long and living this shit day in and day out) but letting someone in is a massive no. I don’t even think I can articulate myself properly because my head is so frazzled. It’s fucking shit. Either way I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I wanna stop caring but the guilt I know I’m going to feel when he eventually dies because what if I could’ve done more, it’s going to haunt me forever. I just know it is.

 

[LittleBird]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

I'm so sorry to read this and completely understand how difficult it can be to have a partner who doesn't understand how destructive their behaviour is, especially when they are the greatest person sober.

Your feelings ARE important and valid. It took me over a year to finally leave my ex. Life is hard and I'm not happy, but I'd be unhappier living in a pit of anxiety waiting for him to have his next drink. If you ever need to chat or rant, DM me.

 

[GeorgeP123]

Anyone found that alcoholism and narcissism come hand in hand?

 

[Coconut834]

Thanks all
It’s so sad we all have this shared experience
How can I help someone that won’t even help themselves is the perpetual question.
if he was falling around drunk or abusive all the time I would know I needed to leave but often I think no one would notice he was drunkeven when he is
It makes me such a horrible person, sometimes I think I wish he’d just die. I don’t know how I can even think that- it’s awful but that’s how it makes me feel sometimes
I’ve never said that to anyone before, I’m so glad I found this thread.
so much for tattle being this horrible place hey!

 

[Annie101]

Hello Everyone, good to see this thread remain active. Happy that it seems we have a bit of calmness. My husband has been sober, i had an old school friend visiting from out of town last weekend. I never shared my husbands addiction with her because of shame. She told me my husband changed a lot and became way more serious and not so much fun, so i guess my friends needs to get used to my sober husband. I am proud of him, i love him sober and drunk, i just dont like him when drunk. I hope for the day i can trust him 100%. But it is good that we getting there.

 

[Ponponpon]

Agree that functioning alcoholics can be just as dangerous. I feel like my parent is a ticking time bomb from a health perspective as they also smoke pretty heavily. I also didn’t question the drinking until I was basically an adult to be honest. As a kid I thought it was just something adults did in the evenings or socially, saw them drunk a few times usually at the odd family party where I was allowed to stay up late but never saw anything too outrageous. Never really pegged the extent of my parents drinking until I was in my teens. In my late teens I used my parents drinking as an excuse to get pissed myself. I never drank every day more like once a week with friends as you tend to at that age, but it definitely influenced me when getting to grips with alcohol myself and not in the best way. I very rarely drink nowadays despite my username, didn’t actually think of the irony of it when posting on this thread lol, gotta love Le Champion

Yes there’s definitely a stereotype isn’t there. It’s accurate for some for sure but lots of people hide their alcoholism so well or keep it behind closed doors. In fact that’s been the more common experience for me. It’s easy to play a role as such for a few hours in front of people then go home and drink a bottle of wine or two in a place you feel safe and hidden from the world and most would be non the wiser. I often find at least with my family that functioning alcoholics also tend to be total workaholics, I wonder if that’s a common theme or not.

This might sound selfish but I’m kind of dreading what’s to come, I have no siblings so I feel a lot of responsibility falls on me to deal with this if and when it boils over unless their siblings step up too. My partners sibling lives abroad and rarely visits home so he’s on his own too really. It’s a lot and I don’t feel grown up enough for it despite being a fully grown adult with a family of my own.

There's a report out there about alcoholism and drug use in high powered jobs, like politics, surgeons, corporate worlds etc. It's something to do with a) money, this availability and b) demands of the working life they lead. I've just tried to find it but I can't, but it was an interesting read I remember.

Regarding the second part - that's my thing too. I'm an only child. My mum has siblings though they're as useful as a chocolate teapot, or at least the ones she talks to are. Mum has drunkly told me on several occasions she doesn't want to be buried with dad though has never told me sober, and just how do you bring that up in casual conversation? That moral dilemma really bothers me. All these things that aren't a second thought for others.