Alcoholism

[Coconut834]

Hi everyone
Some heartbreaking stories here
I posted earlier on this thread about my husband. He’s an alcoholic but denies it. Drinks 300ml minimum vodka a day often more/ other drinks. He is adamant this is normal and I’m judgemental.
There has been wbusive incidents in the past when he’s drunk I’m not going to lie but mostly he’s just annoying, talking rubbish and generally drunk
Very much functional has a really good job. No one would believe me.
I was all set to leave last year but doubting myself now. Am I being controlling? Is it me?!

 

[Begborrowsteal]

We're both in a much better place. Xmas & NYE was a wake up call, so dry jan helped cut out alcohol. We are getting on better and it has been a massive relief.

 

[Definitelyme]

Really thought some headway was being made with my ex. He has been attending therapy (although she said she thought he wasn't an alcoholic) and has been much more pleasant to be around.

We are due to complete on our house sale in the next week or two, which has dragged on since July. His new attitude has made me consider thinking about working things out with him until this week. Every time I've been around, beer cans and bottles are on the sides and he has quite clearly had a drink most evenings - probably to cope with the upcoming move.

We've had a really pleasant day taking stuff to the tip and getting on really well and he text me this evening, drunk, asking about our future. I told him, as he has said many times before, that he needs to change for himself and not a relationship. He told me I was patronising, that he doesn't tell me I'm fat and that I need to lose weight for myself. He's continued to text me saying he has a point and what he said is true and I feel like an absolute mug for even considering something has changed.

I just needed somewhere to write this down because I hadn't told any family and friends I was considering trying again so they wouldn't be very happy with me. He is so charming whilst sober but an absolute arsehole drunk and I don't think it will ever change.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this, I’m sure you feel really duped by his recent behaviour. Hopefully once the house move goes through you’ll have more reason to distance yourself from him x

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

That’s so difficult I’m really sorry. It’s a complicated situation and I came to see with both my parents at the end of their lives that it can be so hard to predict a time frame and people can seem to deteriorate then perk back up and also perk up them deteriorate. Are you able to ask his wife if the Drs have given her an indication? xx

They haven't given her a time frame. Just that it won't improve from this point on. He's had a lot of fluid drained from his abdomen in hospital and they have said the liver damage is severe but I think their main focus is treating the Covid at the moment. Perhaps they will be more specific as time goes on.

I've had another chat with my son and he seems to understand that I just don't have any answers for him at the moment. It's hard because I want to protect him as much as possible. The Covid situation has meant it's already been a year of uncertainty and unknowns for him (along with everyone else in the world). Fortunately he has a really good support team at Forward Thinking (a branch of CAMHS) and has an appointment this week, so I will ask if there is any counselling or other resources available for him.

 

[theghosttown]

Thanks to everyone

I really am just hanging on to my sanity right now. I am wearing two faces: one, a happy smiley face in order to placate my parents, sister and close friends; while the face is in dire straits desperate for a drink to get me through the day

I have no choice but to get in contact with "illegal" sources. And if it means paying a massive premium then so be it. Because if I don't I will become a genuine Bitch from Hell in the next few days. And I wouldn't want my parents to bare witness to that.

I think it might be advisable for you to have something in the house.By the sound sounds of it quitting in one go could have hugely detrimental affects. Why don’t you sit down and write yourself a little plan - allow yourself to have say, 2 glasses over a longer period of time or why don’t you try and get your hands on some alcohol free wine. You can alternate your glasses c

 

[Gembo]

Don't worry. I won't be driving anywhere. Have got my work to keep me occupied. Just don't like this time of year (I have SAD). And when I get depressed i turn to the booze!

I suppose in one respect joining Tattle has helped a great deal, as well as getting in touch with AA. But like other alcoholics on this thread, it doesn't really matter what help you reach out too at the end of the day its up to the individual to get through it once and for all.

Yes absolutely, all of us can only really help ourselves. I can’t lie and say I fully understand your struggle because I don’t and I hope I don’t cross a line saying this but I watched alcohol destroy my parents lives and it killed my mum and my nan, don’t ever be afraid to reach out for help. I’ve seen what it can do and it’s awful. I sincerely wish you the best and hope that you can overcome this

 

[lozzapaloozza]

So many things make more sense to me now, she was in so much pain and I never saw it. Things she did I think now were cries for help.

This I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so easy to look back on the past and think “I wish I did this” or “what if I had said this” and to feel guilty for feeling like you should have done more. But you did what was right for you at that time and in that moment for your life there and then. You weren’t to know this would have happened and you couldn’t have lived your life wondering what if. No matter what you said or did she also chose what was right for her in her time and her moment. Nothing could have changed that and you have to put yourself first and stand by your decisions because you are living your life and you come first. She would have known how much you loved and cared for her and she always will

 

[Definitelyme]

I think that's probably the only thing that you can do. Keep strong though.

Does anyone have any thoughts about alcoholism being in the genes? My parents weren't alcoholics - my mother was virtually tee-total and my father drank maybe a bottle of wine a week. My brothers and sisters are all total alcoholics though - as in the two bottles of wine a night category. It affects my relationship with them as I don't like to get in touch with them after 7pm, as I know they will all be in their respective houses, drunk as lords.

As for myself - I try to drink only at certain times, christmas, on holiday, birthdays etc. I find though that when I do have a few drinks I can't stop and would polish off everything I could get my hands on. I'm guessing this would give me an alcohol dependency issue but I've never really checked. I don't need to drink and don't feel the need to drink - until I've had a couple and then I can't stop.

I don’t drink at all any more. I know I have a very addictive personality, and I wouldn’t ever want that to become alcohol addiction. So I just don’t drink at all. To be honest I don’t love the taste of most alcohol anyway so it’s no loss. My husband doesn’t drink much either, and we’ve never been ones to go out drinking with friends so it’s not a difficult thing for me.

I had mentioned a few weeks ago that my uncle had died and I was worried it may trigger my mum’s drinking. Thankfully it doesn’t appear to have done so, although since we don’t live together I guess I don’t really know.

 

[Whazgoinin]

Isolation is right, I didn’t realise how much until he stopped (still stopped, fingers crossed).
Try an Al Anon meeting, if you don’t like it you don’t need to go again, but maybe something will resonate? I think SMART recovery do a family thing as well so if that’s near you it could be good?
how old are your kids, that must be hard.

I'll give the Al Anon group another look, I see its had mixed reviews but, as everything, its worth a try. I hadn't heard of SMART recovery so will see what thats all about.
My kids are teenagers but I had spent a lot of time over the years shielding them from his drunken behaviour which would have been confusing and scary to them as younger children. Now they are older I can't hide it anymore; they notice him slurring, repeating himself and his inability to remember conversations etc from the night before leaving my role in this situation a bit defunkt.

I think this has been a catalyst for me feeling unable to carry the situation anymore, my focus was on the children, now I just feel lonely, ashamed and as if I'm not being very loyal by discussing how I feel about his drinking with other people.

 

[gmf21]

He does accept there’s a problem but I honestly think he still believes he can do it on his own, and he can’t. Or he isn’t doing.
not sure he comprehends that I might leave. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum because it wouldn’t help anyone, I’m just getting on with it for now, but I might not always, but we are happy and I’d miss him so much.

 

[Annie101]

Hope everyone is ok,

Just a little update from me. Very sadly my son's dad died last week. The combination of liver disease and Covid was too much. Fortunately my son got to say goodbye to him, thanks to the brilliant staff on the ward who wheeled his bed up to a full glass door so they could see each other.

I am so sorry to hear that. You sound like an amazing mother who loves her children dearly. It is so sad that this has happened, your story will help so many people struggling with addiction. Sending you lots of love xx

 

[Definitelyme]

Thanks hun. Just a bit of a crap week I think. All the chocolate for me this weekend and I'll be fine. Just have to keep reminding myself everyone has a choice and this is what she chose. X

True, but her choices have consequences on the rest of your family, something alcoholics either don’t think about or just don’t care about. I think many of us know we ought not to care as much, we ought to try and distance ourselves from their choice to drink. But thats hard, we’re human, and it isn’t always that easy when our emotions get in the way of the rational thinking.
Get all the chocolate in, and hopefully next week is better for you, even in tier 3 x

 

[37BBL]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

So sorry to read this. Its heartbreaking when you think they are off it and then they end up relapsing.
We all totally get it and feel free to rant away. I never talk to anyone about my situation but I could rant forever on here.
The emotions are normal, we all seem to struggle with them. I think its natural to be angry and then feel guilty. That person has made you feel like that though, don't feel like this is your fault.
Just take some time for yourself, when I was really struggling with feeling so anxious and on edge I used to find watching a comedy or something really light hearted helped me escape for a couple of hours in my mind. I cant really watch dramas or anything as they trigger me worrying and thinking what if, but comedies always helped take my mind off it xxxxx

 

[LittleBird]

Hi everyone
Some heartbreaking stories here
I posted earlier on this thread about my husband. He’s an alcoholic but denies it. Drinks 300ml minimum vodka a day often more/ other drinks. He is adamant this is normal and I’m judgemental.
There has been wbusive incidents in the past when he’s drunk I’m not going to lie but mostly he’s just annoying, talking rubbish and generally drunk
Very much functional has a really good job. No one would believe me.
I was all set to leave last year but doubting myself now. Am I being controlling? Is it me?!

It's definitely not you. My ex is an alcoholic and drug addict. They have a way of turning everything so it doesn't shine a spotlight on their problems. You can't change somebody who is resistant to change themselves. Walking away was the hardest but best thing I ever did.

 

[theghosttown]

Good on you for posting. But you don’t mention what happened? Don’t be afraid we are here to support you

I echo this posters sentiments. If it becomes more frequent then I would definitely look at grief counselling. I think as humans we always want answers to questions to help out our minds at ease. Sometimes we will never get those answers and it just ends up consuming us. It’s so good you can talk and vent x

 

[Raininvain]

I could not agree with this more, the love I have felt posting here is amazing and I feel like I am being cuddled! I feel a little freer just being able to put my thoughts down. It does feel like its a secret and no-one I know would understand.

Me and my husband spoke yesterday, to me there is still a barrier to what he thinks is going on and what I think is going on but things are better. He has refused to get help at this stage but has acknowledged he has a drink issue. He is still trying to give up drinking and asked that I don't get cross when if he fails and to support him.

Good luck with the talk @Annie101

It doesnt sound like he really wants to do much then does it? If he was really wanting to change then he would be going for proper help. Remember you have plenty of options.x

 

[No style rocky]

It sounds like he’s beginning to recognise the issue, would he accept you sitting him down and really telling him how strongly you are concerned and worried about him? And that’s it’s time to seek help? Easier said than done I know and I know the drinker has to be ready to stop and seek help. Good luck with it, you’re not on your own.

Really hard to talk to him and I guess anyone who has an addiction. If he’s not in the mood to talk about it and I try to address it he’ll tell me I’m having a go at him. The times he raises it with me, as he does worry, I am so tentative that he accuses me of not being supportive to help him stop. When he’s not under the influence he has told me in the past to just poor his rum away. The reality is I would not dare do that. I never really understood the term “under the influence” before but I now understand how a drug gets its tentacles into you and hugely influences your behaviour. He says he has spoken to a GP, I believe this but don’t believe he will have told them the full truth. He has told me the GP has told him it’s dangerous to just stop so he cut down for one or two nights and then the consumption just went back to normal. If he dies young because of this I will never forgive him. That may sound harsh but I’m so cross with him. Sorry for the outpouring here x

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you for replying. Yes he’s drinking to self medicate but it makes him more depressed and the cycle gets worse. Yes he is, and he discussed upping it and I have tried to encourage this but now he says he’s fine. It’s been a battle to get him to even discuss it with the doctor so trying to get him to go back is so hard. I have suggested counselling either alone or together. I really do think he should as I worried his past is effecting him (he won’t tell me too much). He’s so wonderful when he’s sober, when he drinks he’s angry, miserable and so selfish. I don’t know how to I’ve forward, whenever I tell him how I feel he says it’s not about my feelings it’s about his. I told him I’m at the end of my tether and I’m so close to kicking him out but I know that’s not what I want deep down but I also don’t want to live like 5is every week when it starts again.

I assume when you talk to him he is sober? For him to say it’s not about your feelings is just unreal. It is so unfair to you, it minimises everything you go through, and all without the self medication that he uses to manages his pain. You are married, both of you count equally and if he genuinely doesn’t think that when he is sober, then that would be a big red flag for me.

Your feelings are valid, and they do count, no matter what he says. Have you anyone to talk to about this? I wish I could give you a magical answer to cure it all. But alcoholism is just life destroying, and the worst bit is that they seem to LET it destroy them, with no care for the rest of us.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

So with my one remaining bottle of wine, I've have decided to water it down- 4 parts water 1 part wine.

Doesn't taste of anything, which I guess is the point. So tempted to just get in the car, go to the shop and stock up. But I know that would be dumb.

And yet.....

 

[theghosttown]

Thank you so much! I have questioned whether I have PTSD so it’s reassuring hearing someone agrees! I’m so sorry for your husband, honestly there’s nothing worse! I do already have anxiety and used to have panic attacks too so my heart goes out to you. I will definitely look into it thank you! Yes I have an incredible boyfriend, family and friends x

It definitely does sound like it could be. Grief is a funny old thing. You think you’re ok then all of a sudden it hits when you least expect it. With something as traumatic as what you’ve been through I suppose it’s tempting to sit and try and unpick, question and then make sense of it all when the reality is it makes it so much harder to process and try and heal from. Sending you lots of love and good vibes and I really do hope it starts to get better for you xx