Alcoholism

[Definitelyme]

Sorry guys its me again. I try to not air the "dirty laundry" on here, but I do need to vent. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery. Hidden alcohol around the house etc, all mentioned before. He religiously goes to his AA meetings and I am (were) proud of him. A few months ago he started taking weed to sleep at night. Since then i think it has become a problem (cross addiction). At least i don't get the nasty, horrible side of him resulting from alcohol. Last night i asked him did you take weed, he looked straight into my eyes and said no. His behaviour clearly showed me that he is stoned. This morning i confronted him about it and said i am upset because i thought he stopped lying to me and he said he didnt - he just forgot that he had weed. I dont have in me to deal with his addiction any longer. It has been 10 years of tears, of secrecy and me not sharing it with any of my friends or family. Driving to work this morning, i just started crying, but had to control myself as i have an important meeting and didn't want my client to see that i am a wreck. I have begged, i tried tough love, i have forgiven and supported, i dont know what else to do. We have such a beautiful love story and a lifestyle that i am very greatfull for but this ONE thing just F*cks everything up. In my heart i know i no longer trust or respect him. Its like i am living my life holding my breath waiting for the next big incident to happen and that is no life.

Oh Annie I’m so sorry to hear this. While it’s great that he is doing well with the alcohol, but swapping one addiction for another just puts you back at square one really. X

 

[Definitelyme]

I’ve read every single post on here & I remember how alone I felt when dealing with it all... thought sharing my story may help anyone else reading to know it’s not just them. I lost my Mum when I was 23 & she was only 47 - everyone always assumes cancer and I mostly let them as I guess there’s a stigmatism around admitting she was an alcoholic, even 5 years later.
When I was growing up I guess she always liked a drink but I don’t think it ever was so bad? Maybe it just didn’t seem it, but she had suffered with depression for a long time which started through post natal depression with my younger brother. Maybe some PTSD in there as she had a really rough ride falling pregnant with multiple miscarriages and then he was a really difficult baby. She got passed back and forth for treatment from depression/alcoholism with neither team ever accepting her. She was depressed because she drank or she drank because she was depressed but responsibility was never taken by either.
She never worked and so I’m not sure how long she would have been a functioning alcoholic but I wouldn’t say she ever reached a truly non functioning alcoholic. She didn’t drink in the mornings and didn’t stay up all night drinking but would consume 2 bottles of wine and possibly a couple of cans of cider everyday.
In 2010 she was in intensive care due to her drinking and literally was hailed as a miracle for recovering. We were called several times to say our goodbyes (I was 18 at this point) as they didn’t think that she would make it through the night.
She stayed sober for 2 years & then saw a different consultant to usual and he obviously hadn’t read her notes properly. Fatally, he said he didn’t see that an odd drink would do her any damage..... obviously anyone that is dependent on any substance can’t just have one!
It was a slippery slope from there with a lot of trips to A&E when she was suicidal and I truly strained life by my Dad/me/my brother. I would drive 130 miles home and she would be asleep at 8:30 obviously from drinking too much.
She was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. She spent a month there, before contracting an infection and her body gave up & she died from multiple organ failure.
Unknowingly I was 3 weeks pregnant when she died & never got the chance to tell her. I’ve spent the last few years wondering if it would have changed anything or actually made it harder as would have had the disappointment at the reality.
My advice would be to make sure you truly grieve. It’s a lot more emotion than having just lost someone & I found That I had probably been grieving my sober Mum for many years already xxx

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, and your little ones granny. It sounds as if she was fatally failed by the system at all turns, which must be so hard for you and your family to think of. X

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Well that didn't last long!

Back on the bottle - 2nd bottle of wine today. Not good. Yes, I know I should keep off the booze, and I have been in contact with AA, but its not enough.

I need to start afresh but its not going to happen here. The wine and my work keeps me sane. And this lockdown doesn't help at all.

2 bottles of JC in one day. Not good: not clever, and yet I don't feel at all drunk or vague in my thinking.

Plenty of answers but not the right ones

 

[lozzapaloozza]

I still feel guilty when I talk about my parents but I was always made to feel guilty. Every now and then I do have moments where I feel so angry with them that I feel less guilty, but it is hard to say these things sometimes. It sounds like your mum was threatened by or jealous of you being happier than she was but that wasn’t your fault. It’s just so sad that they couldn’t get the help they needed for everyone to be able to be happier x

So sorry I can understand, but I guess we’re allowed to feel how we do because we’re the ones who are now suffering for the rest of our lives. I hope for both of us that one day we won’t feel so guilty xxx

 

[Annie101]

I flew out to South Africa a couple of weeks ago, primarily because I have SAD, and being in England during winter was literally doing my head in

Am hoping that being back home, and enjoying summer weather, I might be able to get a handle on my dependency on white wine!

I was getting through at least 2 bottles a day back in England. I just hope I can move on from that and resort to orange juice or some other soft substitute during my time here in Johannesburg - I owe it to my kidneys!

Welcome home! I think an important thing to remember is the damage caused in relationships due to alcohol. Eventually things happen that your partner would not be able to forgive and will resent. Most therapist says that people with addiction is running away from something in their past and drink to forget it. Are you handling our hot weather. My best friend that moved from South Africa to UK, can no longer handle the heat here when she visits, but struggle with depression every winter.

 

[37BBL]

Hi everyone, my dad has a drink problem but it’s very hard because he is a binge drinker, ie will be sober for months then will ’go on the drink’ for weeks at a time. This has gone on for years and Is very emotionally draining as I’m sure you all understand. I am always on edge, we have a very good relationship but I am finding it really hard at the moment. im wondering if anyone else is finding lockdown having a bigger impact on their alcoholic parent? I’ve tried to explain that everyone is struggling. At times I just feel helpless knowing that this will be my life forever.

So sorry to read your story. My person wasn't a binger, it was constant until she decided to get help. It must be really hard with the binging, I imagine you get used to your Dad being without drink, for him to then revert back.

I am with you on the emotionally draining side though. I think all of us have commented to some extent on this before. The being scared every time the phone rings, the worry if you see an ambulance heading towards their end of the town, the panic if there is a local headline that there has been an accident. Its mentally exhausting and draining. Don’t feel guilty for giving yourself a break on that, I used to go for a run or a walk or watch some rubbish TV as an escapism from my mind wandering.

My person is doing really well I believe, after several relapses. I still have the fear and worry and I don't know that it will ever go away.

Have you considered joining an AA group? I never have, but so many people find them a great outlet.

Is there any possibility you can discuss your Dad attending one? Does he acknowledge he has a problem? X

 

[theghosttown]

Does anyone ever have nightmares about bad experiences they’ve been through or like premonitions of falling again? I don’t understand why but I’ve suddenly been having frequent dreams about going into hospital with alcohol poisoning? It’s so strange as I never got to a point where I needed to seek medical advice for drinking, but it’s creeping me out now.

It’s a tricky one. Whilst I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic, I do drink far to much when I do. I don’t have an off switch. It’s something that I think quite a lot about and I have also noticed that since trying to do dry jan my dreams have become intertwined with dreams of drinking. I think I am so aware of what I am doing it is spilling into my dreams.
I have constant reoccurring dreams about being in a plane crash but that is because it is something I really fear. Could it be a premonition, who knows but like you I also am aware that it happens a little too frequently for my liking. I am very much a believer that gut instincts and premonitions are very real. I think only you can know deep down in your gut what feels real.

 

[37BBL]

One thing that I find is so true that i read in my "just for today" al alnon book is: Seeking emotional support or understanding from the addict is like going to the hardware store everyday to buy bread. You never going to find it.

That is so very true and really good to remember when times are tough. I spoke to my Mum today and she had heard from mt sister, all she got was 'im sorry' no admittance that she had relapsed so we don't know, very likely she did. My Mum replied saying you always are sorry. Shes heard nothing more as yet. I said just try and clear your mind, have a nice evening and remember this isnt your fault.

 

[iloveanimals]

You’re definitely not a horrible person it really takes it’s toll. Make the most of the breaks where you can get them. I once read a quote, I can’t remember exactly how it went or even if it was specifically about alcoholics but it said something along the lines of ‘they don’t want their life vest, they want yours’ and I could really relate to that. Your mum may very well be upset in some way that you’re working on yourself and I think that comes from a kind of jealousy because they wish that they could do it but they can’t or won’t so they try to drag down others around them. It does bring up a lot of guilt to have to keep a distance but you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves x

Thats a very good analogy it can be applied to a lot of situations its very helpful.

 

[Gembo]

Thank you (and everyone who has replied).
It's my eldest child's dad. We haven't been in a relationship for many, many years but he has had a relationship with our child over the years.
He's been through rehab twice but unfortunately relapsed. He's currently in hospital with severe liver failure and Covid and his wife has been told that CPR is unlikely to be successful if he deteriorates. If he responds well to Covid treatment, his liver damage is severe and won't improve from this point.
My son asked me if I could give him a time frame. He's autistic which complicates things because I need to be accurate with anything I say. I have told him I don't have the answers but this adds an extra element of fear to things for him. He's been struggling lately as it is and hasn't taken the news well.

That’s so difficult I’m really sorry. It’s a complicated situation and I came to see with both my parents at the end of their lives that it can be so hard to predict a time frame and people can seem to deteriorate then perk back up and also perk up them deteriorate. Are you able to ask his wife if the Drs have given her an indication? xx

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I’ve not read the thread for a while as I started to find it triggering (yikes!!) but had just caught up. Just wanted to say I hope everyone is doing ok within themselves and that their alcoholic people are ok too. It’s so hard. This year must be so difficult for so many — relapse statistics where I live are huge this year and I’m sure drug / alcoholic related deaths will be too.

Sending strength to you all!

 

[iloveanimals]

Im sorry that person lied to you all and interfered with your thread, at least they have gone now. They have been banned. x

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Hi. So glad I found this thread. My mum died age 50 in January from alcoholism, I’m 22. She basically bled to death in her bedroom from ruptured ulcers. The first two times it happened she got to hospital but this time it was too late. She lived in her bed and didn’t move, eat, sleep and layed in her own urine and faeces. I feel so guilty I hadn’t seen her since November and often would say it would be easier if she was gone. It’s not. Having to go to A&E to find out your mum is gone. Then planning her funeral, seeing her in the chapel of rest. The constant flashbacks of it all. It makes me worry about dieing every day and it’s torture. I miss her so much but at the same time she’s not suffering anymore and she’s at peace. I’m so sorry to all of you going through this. Xxx

I’m so, so sorry. my heart goes out to you. It’s such a horrid way to live and a horrid way to die. I hope you can find some peace soon.

 

[Hazel1593]

Oh my goodness. Is the AA route an option for her? Is she able to tell her boyfriend?

She never mentioned AA but I will try suggesting it to her, thanks. She feels it’s best not to tell him. Unfortunately he doesn’t take much seriously and he will likely tell her to get over it, like he did when she spoke to him about her anxiety.

 

[Ponponpon]

Please give me a message if you want, inbox always open! My mum was an alcoholic for most of my life from being a child to teenager. Gonna play devils advocate and say Al Anon doesn’t always work, my mum would go to an AA meeting and then go to the pub with everyone after. I think they really have to hit rock bottom before seeking any help- I was v v fortunate that my mum went to rehab and was one of the very few people that has stayed sober since. However, we don’t know yet about any long lasting damage the alcohol has caused.

Oh I'm so pleased for your mum, and for you all too, it must be incredible for her to have stayed sober since her rehab.

 

[mochibean]

You’re not a bad friend. If someone doesn’t want to help themselves then no one can help them. I’ve been on both sides. The person with the problem and the friend of the person with the problem. It’s so frustrating to see someone go downhill and just not care. Even worse when they try and pull you into it as well. It sounds like she’s got nothing else going on in her life. Does she work? If not, what does she do with her time? I know someone who doesn’t work as they’re in a position not to, but they’re incredibly bored and do a lot of drugs to fill the time.

Thank you so much for your reply!
It is frustrating and actually really sad, she does have so much potential to actually go far in life she just doesn't seem to want to. She does work but is off right now because of covid. She's been off most of the time since March which is when her drink and drug use started spiralling way more than before. And even before it was pretty bad. She's definitely bored but she could fill her time with much more productive things like me and my other friends she just doesn't want to. Guess I can't expect her to if that's not what she wants. It's just really sad to me that she's turned out like this.

She's also having relationship issues she broke it off with the love of her life a couple of years ago and recently they've been speaking again. Of course this girl doesn't want the same relationship filled with drink and drugs they had back then but it's still not enough for her to stop. Really depressing actually.

I absolutely agree with all @CosmicCreepers said. You are in no way a bad friend. At the end of the day she has chosen herself and her addictions, and you have tried to stay with her through that, but now it’s time to choose yourself, and that doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person.

And even though you were very close in the past, it’s normal for friendships to grow apart anyway over time. It sounds like you have very different priorities, so it’s natural that a friendship wouldn’t survive that, and be the same as it had been.

Thank you!
Where I do want to help and support I can't do that for someone who won't help them self. It's been a tough call for me but I have so much in my own life, work, uni and my hobbies and friends that I don't have the energy to put in anymore if I'm honest.

We're definitely on completely different paths now. If she ever shapes up we could go back to that, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

[Definitelyme]

Just thought I would bump the thread for anyone who needed to read some relatable views.

I've had a weird few days. Nothing has happened, as far as I know, just some anxiety and worrying that it is or might. I feel like this every now and again and its exhausting. My mind goes into overdrive thinking my person is drinking again, looking for signs when my parents speak to me that somethings going on and they aren't telling me. Checking whether my person is on WhatsApp when they should be doing a shift at work. As I say nothing has happened and I have no reason to feel anxious, sometimes these feelings just get me.

I hope you are all doing well xx

As you know I posted similar recently. I think it comes and goes for many of us, maybe some sort of form of PTSD (or maybe that’s over dramatic?) Either way, I hope your worries are unfounded and your mind is able to rest again in a day or two.

 

[Ponponpon]

Things between my husband and I are improving. I am still careful not the raise my expectations but i am starting to feel the love the house.
However as i am going through my journey i chose someone like my father which i never thought i would as it caused us children so much pain.
I love this man, i will stand by him and support him. Reminds of our first date where we got home and i stood on my kitchen island and sang to him the Brandy Carlise song, "the story" - you were made for me.

What a journey. Stay strong

 

[theghosttown]

I am climbing the walls desperate for a drink at the moment
There's a alcohol prohibition on the buying and selling of alcohol here in South Africa, which has been in place since December 31st. It was due to be lifted on the 15th of Jan, but our president decided to extend the ban indefinitely.

As a consequence, us alcoholics have been left to fend for ourselves, and 2 weeks ago I was arrested, charged and fined for trying to buy illicit alcohol from a street vendor.

I was hoping to return to England last weekend, not least to be able to drink wine with relative impunity, but my flight was cancelled at the last minute. I have rebooked, but we're looking at next Saturday now.

Am having constant arguments with my parents, along with lots of mood swings. Right now, my mood is incredibly negative, and I just feel like telling the world to go fuck itself.

Politicians are cunts. They just don't see the bigger picture.

Sorry

Have you found the reduction in alcohol has helped you at all? Or do you feel in a position to cut down having managed to reduce so massively x

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you! Exercise absolutely would make a difference. He was doing well with getting out for a run a few months ago, then got out of the habit and never started back again. He is always tired and can’t be bothered to go outside, but I guess that is also part of the depression. I think I need to keep encouraging it, but also get us all out for some more family walks as that usually helps too.

It’s also really good advice for me to ignore his comments. It’s hard not to snap something back at him but I am slowly learning that reacting emotionally doesn’t help the situation and just makes me feel more upset. The heavy drinking started nearly two years ago now and it feels like we’re just going in circles with our conversations about it. It’s exhausting to constantly think about it and wonder when things will feel normal between us again. One step at a time.

I’m not sure if you’ve said before, apologies if so, but is he on medication for his depression? It’s crazy how linked them depression and drinking can be. When my mum has her depression “under control” with the right medications, she doesn’t self medicate with alcohol.

It must have been a very rough few years for you. I’m sure you’re exhausted x