Alcoholism

[37BBL]

I've started seeing a recovery coach and it's been life changing. He is on point with the questions he asks me about my upbringing and to understand why I am co - dependant of the alcoholic in my life. Instead of attacking me staying with the alcoholic he gives me tools how to deal with an addict and I must say it's really been helping helping me so much. I see the change in how my husband acts differently towards me as I am getting stronger. I hope this stays a safe place for people to vent without being attacked for not following their advise as each person experience and circumstances are different. Sending love to all.

This sounds fantastic!! As you say, everyone has a different circumstance and how we deal with it can vary massively.
Really hoping you can continue to make progress with your situation xx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

My husband is still drinking between 350-700ml each week. His first reaction to any stressor is to drink, but it’s obviously just an excuse for him to drink. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to leave. An ultimatum wouldn’t work on him. Every time I say anything about his drinking he gets annoyed and dismissive. He is very much in denial. He’s always sick and tired and won’t acknowledge that alcohol could (guaranteed does) have a part to play in how terrible he feels most of the time. I’m pregnant with our second child. I avoid him when he’s drinking and go to bed because I can’t stand the smell or how relaxed he gets when the alcohol kicks in. I’m just really tired of it. I know his drinking has nothing to do with me but it’s hard not to take it personally. When he started having 1 or 2 midweek 3 years ago, I thought it was funny that he was a bit hungover the next morning. I never thought this was where I’d end up.

You have to put yourself and your children first. If he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, won’t discuss it, won’t take an ultimatum…. What are you expecting to happen? He’s going to get worse and worse and worse. This isn’t going to get better. He’s refusing to put you or your children before his addiction and won’t even meet you half way. That’s no life for you as his partner and sure as shit as no way to bring children up with a drunk father.

 

[Definitelyme]

Sending you lots of love, @theghosttown I think your story is one a lot of us can relate to, unfortunately. I feel so much for you, and your mum as well who now feels she can’t even go out of her house because of his drinking.

I think sadly your husband is wrong. A stern talking to won’t deal with alcoholism of this level. You and your mum can both try to speak to him and explain exactly how his drinking is affecting you, but sadly I don’t think that will do much good either. One common thread among alcoholics is they refuse to accept responsibility for what they are doing to themselves, and those around them, and it can destroy our relationships with them. Until he is ready to see what is wrong, there is very little you and your mum can do, sadly.

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try, though. Maybe pick a time you know he will be sober and receptive, and explain how you feel and that you think he would benefit from help (GP/AA/counselling).

I’m so sorry this has blighted your Christmas. I feel so deeply everything you have said as I have been where you are, and it can be all consuming with worry

 

[Curly Top]

Thank you for your reply. I too was able to keep it low-key for ages, because surprisingly I could force myself out of bed on time the next day and no one was any the wiser that I’d drank loads the night before. In a way it’s more dangerous as it will take people longer to notice something is wrong, by then it could be too late.

For me my breaking point was being spiked on a night out and I’m very surprised to this day something seriously bad didn’t happen to me that night. I was literally walking (well, stumbling) the streets with my friend who also had been drugged. Many people walked by and it wouldn’t have taken much for us to be dragged away or mugged. I realised that night alcohol was seriously damaging my life, albeit I was able to keep it hidden. I had plenty of distraction during the day at uni, but then by night I was alone with my thoughts and mental illnesses. I was overwhelming anxious all the time, and verging on needing to seek medical advice.

Although the night I was spiked was easily one of the most terrifying nights of my life, it made me wake up and realise, that alcohol is a temporary high with massive lows. It’s really not worth it anymore. I know being 20 and a uni student I’m expected to just binge drink and not get questioned, but I feel if I were to return to a nightclub and get back into that lifestyle, I would very easily fall deeper than I have ever before.

I too am jealous of people who can just have “one drink” and be done. I would need about 4 to even feel remotely anything.

Thank goodness you didn't come to any harm. What a terrible thing to do you! At least it forced a change for your benefit.

It's great you are so young - you will reap major rewards from this experience and knowledge.

I’ve never written this down before. On paper I have a serious alcohol problem but I just can’t stop as I need that final kick up the arse.
My problem is that I don’t wake up with hangovers, don’t embarrass myself, manage to do my full time job fine and it doesn’t give me anxiety or other issues with my personality. Therefore, I confess that I still love it. I love the feeling of the first drink and how relaxed I feel as the night wears on. I completely accept I’m ruining my health and can’t carry on like this.
I follow several sober accounts on Instagram which are really interesting but they all talk about the dread of waking up the next day and using alcohol to mask insecurity whereas I just like it and wake up ok. Herein lies my problem.
I’m wondering if I should pay for a liver scan to scare me.
Any non-judgemental advice much appreciated.

This is a very hard question to answer. You, in common with many people in the UK, sound like a high-functioning alcoholic. You are honest enough to admit that you love alcohol for its own sake and don't suffer any ill effects.

If you had a liver function test I doubt it would indicate a serious problem as the organ is notoriously forgiving. It takes decades of hard drinking to show major damage. This is the insidious danger of alcohol. Once something like cirrhosis is discovered, the individual is often dangerously addicted and will have a huge problem giving up.

I'm sure you know already the bad effects of alcohol on every organ in the body. I agree entirely that if there are no problems and you are enjoying it and can afford it then it's tempting to continue. This, I think, is why so many people get into trouble. It takes a while for issues to emerge. Tolerance for alcohol increases over time and the drinker gradually needs more and more to reach the same levels of enjoyment.

In addition, particularly in the UK, alcohol is seen as the panacea for all ills - a way to celebrate, to reward yourself for a bad day, a pick-you-up for almost any occasion. Giving up, you may be seen as a bit of a bore. "Have just one, don't be a party pooper". This is often because alcohol dependence is so widespread other drinkers don't like to be reminded of their own issues or be thought to be judged by someone in their circle giving it up.

All I can say is that if you cut down you are likely to reap some major benefits. You will certainly save money, lose weight (unless you swap booze for chocolate), have clearer more hydrated skin, more energy and lose that nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you are storing up trouble for yourself sometime in the future.

 

[37BBL]

Hope everyone is ok,

Just a little update from me. Very sadly my son's dad died last week. The combination of liver disease and Covid was too much. Fortunately my son got to say goodbye to him, thanks to the brilliant staff on the ward who wheeled his bed up to a full glass door so they could see each other.

So sorry to read this sad news.
I hope that your son and yourself are coping as best as you can. Take care and we are all here if you do need to talk.

Thinking of everyone else. It’s a tough time of year without all the extra pressure of the restrictions. Hope you are all well x

 

[Curly Top]

I really feel for the the two above posters and their difficulties with flippant comments from their (ex) alcoholic relatives. It must be so hard to laugh or even endure listening to these quips. Their relatives are displaying a complete lack of understanding of the serious, deep hurt and pain they have caused.
Each day must be hard as you wonder if they will ever fall off the wagon and you have to support them through the whole process of giving up again. It is a mind blowingly hard road to travel.
I agree whole heartedly with the poster who said not enough is done for the supporters of alcoholics. It is as if their life goes on hold.
And it is bloody unfair.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don’t come here often as I find it too hard but I don’t know where else to go.

My partner (soon to be husband) has issues. He says he will stop and he is the most amazing man sober. Our relationship is amazing. He had his first day back at work after a days holiday and it was long and stressful so he brought a bottle home which we agreed to share (I didn’t want to but it was easier than letting him have it all). Come the end of the bottle and he’s desperate, anything: he was going to get in the car.

He is a complete Jekyll and Hyde. He’s been known to drink all my tipples as they last for ages and he’s started on my gin which he hates. I’m the one who made it worse, I’m the one who should be supporting him but frankly after 12 years I’m in self preservation mode. I have to walk away from him in this mood.

I don’t want to leave, but I’m stuck in knowing what to do. He had an awful childhood and he seems to be sort of dealing with it lately so it is coming to a head. He won’t take therapy, he’s on a low does of anxiety medication but won’t go back. He wanted to come off it but know he needs to stop the drink first. I’m so exhausted

 

[babbling brook]

It is incredibly hard when they just straight up don’t want to stop, when they have no interest in that, despite begging, despite seeing what it’s doing to others. I have no experience of having a partner as an alcoholic, and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, especially with children involved. Honestly, I don’t know what makes them want to stop. I have never yet worked that out, when the switch flicks, and why it’s not enough that they are destroying their family. I don’t have any answers for you, unfortunately But I do know how worrying, and upsetting, and infuriating it is to just simply have to wait and I’m so sorry you’re going through it.

Thank you for this.

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

I never posted here but my ma is an alcoholic she’s been clean for 10 years as the doctors said she’ll die if she keeps it up.

But I just found out recently she’s back drinking and that she started drinking again in late July or early August, she keeps going missing for days and isn’t answering her phone to me or her boyfriend. One of her friends who is also an alcoholic told me she was with her for a few days on Thursday and Friday but hasn’t seen her since Saturday morning. She won’t answer the phone to me or anyone else. Her phone turns on every now and then and she sometimes sees my texts on Facebook messenger but she doesn’t respond to them or SMS messages I do be sending her.

I don’t even know if she has all of her medication, she’s a type 1 diabetic with pancreatitis, and she’s prone to having hypo fits if she isn’t eating regularly. She can’t eat fat or can’t eat sugar. I don’t even know what to do. As no one has seen her or they’re covering for her. I’ve been crying my eyes out since Friday because I thought I was well and truly over this part of my life.

I even have been thinking to go to the police and reporting her as missing as her phone is turning off for days and no one knows where she is.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It might be worth phoning the police, especially as she has other medical issues.

Are you her next-of-kin? If you phone the local hospital(s) they might be able to tell you if she's been admitted, or they might be able to tell the police on your behalf.

 

[Ponponpon]

Thank you, it’s awful that you relate with some of the things I’ve said and I wish you didn’t but I’m glad that I’m not alone

None of us are alone here. Whilst this wasn't the intention when I started the thread, I'm glad it's becoming a place of mutual support and understanding.

My mum is a recovering alcoholic.She drank around a litre of vodka each day all through my teens and 20s. She ended up in hospital quite a few times,due to being drunk and then having seizures, when she would give up for a week or 2 and her body couldn't handle it. I never used to know what to do in them situations ring an ambulance for her to get to the hospital or not too as I felt bad using the emergency services to help her when it was drink related. She was in hospital 4 times within 2 years due to the seizures and always went back to the drink. The last time when she got out of hospital I thought to myself 2 weeks and she will be back drinking herself to oblivion again. 4 years since March and she hasn't had a drop of alcohol and is a completely different woman. I spent my teenage years being embarrassed of her, not wanting my friends to come around the house incase they judged her but now all I have for her is love and pride for what she has achieved. Hopefully there will be light at the end of your tunnels one day too.

What an incredible story, I'm so pleased for you and your family.

 

[GeorgeP123]

For my sister I flit between thinking she's a narcissist and thinking she's a sadist, or possibly both. I've never known her to care about anyone. My mum's cried before, telling me that since she was born my sister's never once loved her. She will pretend to like you to get something in return though and she's brilliant at making friends/getting jobs (and rubbish at keeping both.) She's very manipulative and was physically violent as well to our mum and dad and to her partners.


It's hard for me to describe my sister without looking like I'm crazy but the worst thing she's ever done (and why we are now no contact) was that she wanted a favour from me and I couldn't physically do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I couldn't. A few months later my mum phones me in tears and tells me that she's really sorry for everything and she understands that I want her to die.

...What?

Turns out my sister's revenge on me was to phone our mum, every day, and tell her that I had told her that I hated my mum (who survived a previous suicide attempt), that I wished she would kill herself, that she had ruined my life and that I want her to die. Every day for over three months before my mum broke down and told me about it. It was all 100% lies but for weeks afterwards all I heard was "it's okay if you want me to die, I understand."

To me she's unforgivable.

That is so crazy. Awful awful thing to do which I bet no one can comprehend. The person I knew would pretend to be the best uncle, best brother, best son....but in reality didn't really care for them. He said he did care for them and I think he did when it suited him. But he would do things like try and assert authority all the time. He would push his two year old nephew out the way quite hard if he wanted past him saying he had to learn. He would do weird things like bounce a ball on his head really hard and pretend he was only playing. He once dug his nails in my puppy dog on purpose. Thought I was going crazy but its their really awful and bizarre behaviour and when called up on it, he'd gas light me and say I'm being too sensitive. People like that are so so toxic and you can't reason with them. I even thought once.. is it me. Am I the problem? But I'm having to remind myself it isn't.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Cherish the good days, those are the days you can think about and smile. That’s what I do now, I feel like now all the good memories of before she got ill and the good moments in between come flooding back and the bad times I’ve forgotten almost, the day she died I told her/myself that I forgive her and it helped so much. That’s so good to hear about her depression, it’s such a horrible disease. It’s very true, sometimes you feel them being alive is best for you but not for them? It’s so hard to do but try not to think too much into the future. Be present in the here and now, YOU cannot change a person and you cannot change the future and what happens, what ever is meant to happen will happen and you will deal with it and you will be so much stronger.


What an incredible mother and person you are. Please don’t forget about your own health and feelings, you come first too. I wish there was something helpful I could advise in regards to your son, I can’t imagine what that’s like. He’s so lucky to have you!

That's really kind of you but I'm not incredible. I'm just a person doing my best.
In terms of my own feelings, I think I'm ok. Last night I did find myself thinking about things that happened in the past, things that I haven't thought about for a very long time.
This situation isn't about me though. It's about my son, his other children and his wife and the rest of his family. It's all just very sad.

 

[Littl3mi55]

Does anyone have any thoughts about alcoholism being in the genes? My parents weren't alcoholics - my mother was virtually tee-total and my father drank maybe a bottle of wine a week. My brothers and sisters are all total alcoholics though - as in the two bottles of wine a night category. It affects my relationship with them as I don't like to get in touch with them after 7pm, as I know they will all be in their respective houses, drunk as lords.

As for myself - I try to drink only at certain times, christmas, on holiday, birthdays etc. I find though that when I do have a few drinks I can't stop and would polish off everything I could get my hands on. I'm guessing this would give me an alcohol dependency issue but I've never really checked. I don't need to drink and don't feel the need to drink - until I've had a couple and then I can't stop.
[/QUOTE]

I totally understand the drinking everything in front of me thing. I envy people who can have one or 2 drinks and be happy, I just can't do that so if I'm going out with friends for a birthday or something and working the next day I just don't drink at all!

 

[Definitelyme]

My friend has made a positive change, I'm beyond surprised. She let go of the girl and is now working on letting go of the drink and drugs.
Of course it's going to be hard but I'm proud of her right now.

That is such wonderful news. Very pleased to hear that, for both of you. X

 

[loveanatter]

Thank you everyone for posting your stories, they've really made me feel like I'm not alone for the first time in years.

I've been told my whole life that I'm not allowed to talk about my family to anyone and it would make me an evil person but I've been under so much stress that I'm going to write my thoughts down and if it's traced back to me and I lose them then that's how it is. Otherwise I feel like I could crumble.

My person(s) are my parents. I'm 99% sure my mum is an alcoholic and I'm not sure if I'd classify my dad as alcohol dependent or just a habitual drinker (he has drunk every single night for decades - probably since I was born - but usually in moderate amounts - more on a non-work night - and he has a home breathalyser so if it's a work-night he stops in-time to be under the limit for when he commutes in the morning.)

My mum had a bad upbringing and both of them suffered intense trauma before I was born that they've never recovered from. My dad has always drunk but I never noticed it as a problem when I was a kid. My mum swears that she never drunk a single alcoholic drink when my sister and I were kids but I remember that we used to have a bottle of cider always in a cupboard. I mentioned it to my mum recently and she said it was my dad's and that she never had a drop but I feel like she did and she's lying to me but I can't remember enough to know if she's telling the truth. I've also got a couple of photos of her with me when I'm young and she has the 'drunk' look on her face that I've seen so many times now.

When I was in my early teens (almost 20 years ago) she had a massive breakdown and attempted suicide and I pretty much became her mental health carer. She started on anti-depressants but she's admitted to me that they don't work but she doesn't want to try any others in case they work less. Both of my parents believe that therapy is morally wrong and so she's never got any more help. She had to leave work on medical grounds and hasn't worked since.

I remember being in my late-teens and I know she didn't drink then. My nana would encourage her to "just have one" whenever she went out with us and, when I was around 21, she did have "just one" and things spiralled from there.

I finally managed to move out when I was 22 and she wasn't an alcoholic at that point. I noticed that she was getting drunk more often though and when I was 24 I realised that it was becoming a real problem. I'm 34 now and it's only got worse since.

I haven't seen her since before lockdown one but the last time I saw her she was in an absolute state. She gets drunk every single day. A 'light day' consists of a bottle of wine and four cans of cider. A very bad day can be two bottles of wine and six cans and a couple of cocktails or even more. Her drinking has slowly gone from 'drunk by 9pm every day' up to now 'drunk by 4pm every day' and it's only climbing earlier. She says that it's fine because she "goes to bed early" but she only goes to bed because she's too drunk to stay awake. Both of them say that they can't sleep unless they drink or they have nightmares about their traumatic experience so they're both self-medicating with alcohol to an extent.

I've lost count of the amount of times she's burned her hands and arms trying to fill up a hot water bottle and then not noticed until the next morning. She can't feed herself when she's drunk, she just lies her head on the table and pours the food partly into her mouth. She can't stand up either, she crawls around the floor like a two-year-old and can barely talk, just mumbles unintelligibly. She'll eventually throw a tantrum and then my dad will 'put her to bed' where she crawls up the stairs and then lies in bed eating chocolate (one day I'm sure she'll choke on it and that will probably be the end of her. She's choked on food when drunk many times already).

She has severe memory loss when she drinks. I came out as a lesbian in Oct 2019 (I waited so long because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy and I didn't want to upset them) and when she's sober she's 'fine' with it but I've had so many phone calls from her telling me how awful I am for choosing to be gay and how much I've upset her and how she wants to have a proper daughter and how I'm doing this to spite her and that if I loved her I'd be straight and so many horrible things. Then she doesn't remember that she's said them and when I tell her she says "no, I wouldn't say that, I'm fine with it."

I'm not allowed to be upset with her. If she does something to upset me I have to forgive her straight away otherwise she'll start to panic and says her depression will get worse because of me. It doesn't matter what she's done, I just have to shrug my shoulders and move on and never mention it again because she's sorry and that should be enough and it isn't fair to blame her for something that she's sorry about.

She lies about how much she drinks. I've banned her multiple times from calling me when drunk and I can tell by her voice when she's been drinking but she'll swear that she hasn't and on the sixth time of asking she'll laugh and say she's only had a couple so it doesn't count. I can't not answer the phone though in case she is actually having a crisis. Then, the next morning, she'll say that she's sorry and I have to forgive her and we go round this merry-go-round again and again and again.

I've lost hope that she'll change. She's starting to be affected physically by the alcohol now. She's the same age as my dad but people assume that they're mother and son. They're in their sixties but she looks 85-90. She won't leave the house, even pre-covid she left maybe six times a year. She's forgotten how to drive. She's forgotten how to use money. She's almost completely sedentary at home. She struggles to stand up now, even when sober, and she says it is because of her age but my dad walks 5-8 miles every day in all weather so it isn't her age. She's started to get what she calls 'tired eyes' and I'm struggling to understand what she means but it's something about how they won't stay still? I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of neurological damage going on.

I've tried everything. I've tried begging, pleading, ignoring, crying, getting angry, distracting her, bargaining and nothing makes a dent. I told her that she drinks too much and she says "I didn't drink when you were a child so I deserve to drink now" but a) I think that she probably did and b) she obviously wasn't drinking for a reason when I was in my late teens so, considering she's smoked for over 40 years and isn't health-conscious, she must have known not to drink somehow.

I've told her she'll die and she says "that's fine, this is how I want to die." I've told her that her dying affects me and she shrugs her shoulders and says that she's "an adult and can do what she wants". I've shown her photos of people in late stage liver disease/failure and told her that's what is coming and she says "oh well, we've all got to die of something."

I honestly think that she thinks she isn't an alcoholic because she doesn't drink first thing in the morning and she isn't the stereotypical 'homeless drunk on a park bench' but that's exactly where she'd be if my dad wasn't working and able to keep a roof over their heads. She tells me that the amount she drinks isn't a big deal and if I was normal and 'understood how the world works' (I'm currently waiting for an autism evaluation) that I'd understand that she drinks a perfectly normal amount and would stop nagging her when she clearly doesn't have a problem. I've tried to get through to my dad multiple times but he says "that's just how she is" and isn't willing to help them both change.

I honestly feel like it is only a matter of time before she dies, either choking or falling or ending up with liver failure. I feel guilty for thinking it but I hope she dies before my dad does. He has the slightest chance of being able to cope without her but if he goes first she's no chance.

I'm absolutely tee-total after seeing what's happened to her but one of the things that hurts the most is how they both try and push me to drinking when I do see them. I'm always 'ruining the fun' and 'oh just have one' and 'live a little'.

Ever since her breakdown I've felt like I need to be the glue that holds her mental health together. I suffer from my own mental health challenges (I was diagnosed with depression at 14 but my parents forbid me to get treatment and told me I'd be a bad person if I did so I'm only now getting help at 34 after realising that their approach to mental health is not helpful.)

I have felt so much guilt for so long that I haven't been able to fix her but reading this thread has helped me realise that maybe it isn't my job to fix her. I love her, and I'll always be here for her if she wants help but I need to be able to talk about this, I can't let her keep pouring all her trauma into me without being allowed to have a way to let it out. I think when they are open in real life I'll try and go to an al anon meeting - at least one, to see if it helps.

Sorry for the very long post but this has been building up for the past 10 years and it's the first time I've felt able to put my thoughts down. Just for peace of mind - she is an alcoholic right? This isn't normal behaviour / a normal amount of drink that I just think is too much because I don't understand?

dont be sorry. I would say that she absolutely is an alcoholic and I’ve had similiar issues, but my Dad hid most of it. My Mum always drank a lot socially but I was unaware of the rest. She’s always the one that was ‘fun’ because she was the most drunk but because nobody knew that she had a problem. Before we knew she really had a problem. Lots of hiding it, to keep us through our teens. You cannot blame yourself & I always took what my Mum said sober as what she meant - I always thought I had two Mums, the sober one I trusted and the one that drank that I dealt with.
Whilst I’d love to say you can help etc, maybe you help yourself and get councilling for help of dealing with it. You can’t change anyone that doesn’t want to. So much love for what you’re dealing with. It’s the hardest thing but support can help you xxx

 

[Nobodyputsbabyinthecorner]

I hear you. We had a shit Christmas last year, and this year has been dire too.

It’s what has made up my mind to finish things for good. Like you, I hate the person his addiction has turned me into. I need to get out before I lose myself completely

im sorry you had a shit time too sending you love and strength xxx

 

[No style rocky]

Sending you lots of love. My mum is a functioning alcoholic. She’s now retired but she held down a very highly thought of job, she volunteered for lots of charities etc. To the outside world she was a model citizen. At night, she drank and drank. My dad said she would scream and shout at him, call him all sorts of names, lie etc during those times. She’d pass out on the living room floor regularly. But none of that showed to the outside as she appeared to be totally normal in her work life.

But she had a big problem. She also didn’t drink in front of others at family events etc, most likely As she knew she couldn’t control it.

There are lots of ways alcoholism presents, and it sounds as if your husband is similar to my mum. If alcohol is a problem, it’s a problem, no matter how much and when they drink. Do look in to al anon and they can maybe guide you forward to help get him some help. He may be upset and embarrassed, but if you are currently living with someone who is mean, and whose health is in question, because of drinking, that’s just something he will have to take in order to help make both your lives better

Thank you, there are so many comments twhirring around my head but I keep coming back to just “thank you” as it means a lot to know others understand too x

 

[lozzapaloozza]

My mum was an alcoholic, I say was, she did eventually get sober and managed 16 sober years before passing away 4 years ago.
I only ever remember her drinking and being drunk at functions. She wasnt a nasty drunk, didnt even really do things that showed her up, in fact, she became a mute when she was drunk.
My sister and I had a thing where we wouldnt phone after midday as she'd already be slurry and topping up from the day before.
I remember her asking my dad to bring a bottle home from work and he "forgot" . . She absolutely hit the roof and at the time I thought, "wow, its like her life depends upon it" . . Know, I realise, it probably did.
I tried for years to get her help, calling her Dr, begging my dad, no one would step in until she asked for help herself.
It was only in the last few months of drinking that her personal hygiene slipped and she actually drank from the minute she woke.
Her help came in the form of AA meetings, she took it very seriously and eventually became a sponser herself.
I remember in her early days she wouldn't want to be around alcohol, a few months later she was fine with it and was eventually able to pour a drink for someone else and even visit pubs for a soft drink.

She was always rather controlling and sometimes narcissistic. .

There are lots of help pages about
On FB 1 called HOPE (hearing other peoples experiences) is a good 1

So sorry for your loss and everything you’ve had to go through

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you, there are so many comments twhirring around my head but I keep coming back to just “thank you” as it means a lot to know others understand too x

I found it amazing when I found this thread. I’ve never had the courage to go to al anon, but having this thread and knowing others “get it” just makes me feel so much less alone. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you. I can distance from my mum. You can’t from your husband.

Maybe you could say to him you’d like to talk about it at X day/time and it will give you both time to think about what you’d like to say, so you both can come prepared so to speak. It’s not easy confronting someone. And it’s hard to get the “right” words. But hopefully once he knows how much this is impacting you, it may help him realise he needs to change things.

The thing I have struggled with most is that really no matter what I’ve said or done, if my mum hasn’t been ready to stop, to seek help properly (she’s been in AA for years but she’s even lied there) then I may as well not bother speaking. It has to come from them, and that is so so hard to accept.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thanks for the kind words, @37BBL @northernspaces @ciasnespodenki x