Alcoholism

[JoeBloggs]

I don’t come here often as I find it too hard but I don’t know where else to go.

My partner (soon to be husband) has issues. He says he will stop and he is the most amazing man sober. Our relationship is amazing. He had his first day back at work after a days holiday and it was long and stressful so he brought a bottle home which we agreed to share (I didn’t want to but it was easier than letting him have it all). Come the end of the bottle and he’s desperate, anything: he was going to get in the car.

He is a complete Jekyll and Hyde. He’s been known to drink all my tipples as they last for ages and he’s started on my gin which he hates. I’m the one who made it worse, I’m the one who should be supporting him but frankly after 12 years I’m in self preservation mode. I have to walk away from him in this mood.

I don’t want to leave, but I’m stuck in knowing what to do. He had an awful childhood and he seems to be sort of dealing with it lately so it is coming to a head. He won’t take therapy, he’s on a low does of anxiety medication but won’t go back. He wanted to come off it but know he needs to stop the drink first. I’m so exhausted

 

[Definitelyme]

I don’t come here often as I find it too hard but I don’t know where else to go.

My partner (soon to be husband) has issues. He says he will stop and he is the most amazing man sober. Our relationship is amazing. He had his first day back at work after a days holiday and it was long and stressful so he brought a bottle home which we agreed to share (I didn’t want to but it was easier than letting him have it all). Come the end of the bottle and he’s desperate, anything: he was going to get in the car.

He is a complete Jekyll and Hyde. He’s been known to drink all my tipples as they last for ages and he’s started on my gin which he hates. I’m the one who made it worse, I’m the one who should be supporting him but frankly after 12 years I’m in self preservation mode. I have to walk away from him in this mood.

I don’t want to leave, but I’m stuck in knowing what to do. He had an awful childhood and he seems to be sort of dealing with it lately so it is coming to a head. He won’t take therapy, he’s on a low does of anxiety medication but won’t go back. He wanted to come off it but know he needs to stop the drink first. I’m so exhausted

I’m so sorry to hear how hard things are for you right now. But you have to believe that you are NOT the one who has made it worse. The alcoholic is the one in charge of what they drink, nobody else. Would he consider seeking help? AA?
For yourself, a lot of people have found Al Anon a really helpful resource.

 

[37BBL]

I don’t come here often as I find it too hard but I don’t know where else to go.

My partner (soon to be husband) has issues. He says he will stop and he is the most amazing man sober. Our relationship is amazing. He had his first day back at work after a days holiday and it was long and stressful so he brought a bottle home which we agreed to share (I didn’t want to but it was easier than letting him have it all). Come the end of the bottle and he’s desperate, anything: he was going to get in the car.

He is a complete Jekyll and Hyde. He’s been known to drink all my tipples as they last for ages and he’s started on my gin which he hates. I’m the one who made it worse, I’m the one who should be supporting him but frankly after 12 years I’m in self preservation mode. I have to walk away from him in this mood.

I don’t want to leave, but I’m stuck in knowing what to do. He had an awful childhood and he seems to be sort of dealing with it lately so it is coming to a head. He won’t take therapy, he’s on a low does of anxiety medication but won’t go back. He wanted to come off it but know he needs to stop the drink first. I’m so exhausted

You aren't the one who should be stopping it at all. Take it from someone who's person caused indescribable pain and damage, even then, they would not stop. They couldn't. You think when the worst happens, that will be the wake up call and the turning point but it isn't. The addiction takes over and until they actually decide to get proper, professional help, they won't stop.

I think you need to address your worries when he is sober and give an ultimatum. It sounds like addressing those childhood issues would massively help, is there any way you can get him to consider some counselling? X

 

[LittleBird]

I don’t come here often as I find it too hard but I don’t know where else to go.

My partner (soon to be husband) has issues. He says he will stop and he is the most amazing man sober. Our relationship is amazing. He had his first day back at work after a days holiday and it was long and stressful so he brought a bottle home which we agreed to share (I didn’t want to but it was easier than letting him have it all). Come the end of the bottle and he’s desperate, anything: he was going to get in the car.

He is a complete Jekyll and Hyde. He’s been known to drink all my tipples as they last for ages and he’s started on my gin which he hates. I’m the one who made it worse, I’m the one who should be supporting him but frankly after 12 years I’m in self preservation mode. I have to walk away from him in this mood.

I don’t want to leave, but I’m stuck in knowing what to do. He had an awful childhood and he seems to be sort of dealing with it lately so it is coming to a head. He won’t take therapy, he’s on a low does of anxiety medication but won’t go back. He wanted to come off it but know he needs to stop the drink first. I’m so exhausted

As someone who had an alcoholic partner for years, I completely sympathise with how emotionally draining and exhausting it can be. I applaud you for standing by him bit before you get married, it's really important to ask whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. I was riddled with anxiety and once I left and worked through months of therapy it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Only you can make the right decision for yourself but you are not responsible for making sure he lives a comfortable life at the detriment of your own happiness.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thank you all for your replies. It is extremely lonely.

I must say he isn't like this often anymore but when he is in my head I am prepared to give up on our relationship. I have toyed with kicking him out, telling him to go for a week. I do not want my future to be like this and I think this is his final opportunity to turn things around.

 

[Definitelyme]

Morning everyone, hope you’re all ok.

I've been having a rough few days. Should preface it by saying I have no evidence my mum is drinking again, there is nothing to suggest that at all, but for s9e reason the other day my mind got caught up in it all again, remembering things she had done in the past, ways her drinking had directly impacted on me in a situation, and most importantly for me, how she has never acknowledged any of it or apologised. I know that’s part of it all (being a self centred person) but i think it’s one of the things I struggle with most, never having any acknowledgement from her that her drinking has impacted me. I had a dream last night she was drinking again and it brought back all the same feelings from when she has been.
Its supposed to be one of the AA steps to apologise to people isn’t it? Yet there is nothing there from her at all. No doubt she kids herself that the "unless it would do them harm" but applies so she doesn’t have to (another example of deluded, self centred alcoholism?)
I also struggle as she often makes little quips about drinking like "oh that would make me turn back to drink!" Or "even I don’t drink like that!" Or judges others for their drinking. Again, total delusion on her part. But also joking about it seems to me to try and make it so flippant, without any recognition that she almost drank herself to death more than once, and almost destroyed our family over drinking.

Sorry, I know nobody can actually do anything to help this, but just wanted to vent to people who know what it’s like.

 

[37BBL]

Morning everyone, hope you’re all ok.

I've been having a rough few days. Should preface it by saying I have no evidence my mum is drinking again, there is nothing to suggest that at all, but for s9e reason the other day my mind got caught up in it all again, remembering things she had done in the past, ways her drinking had directly impacted on me in a situation, and most importantly for me, how she has never acknowledged any of it or apologised. I know that’s part of it all (being a self centred person) but i think it’s one of the things I struggle with most, never having any acknowledgement from her that her drinking has impacted me. I had a dream last night she was drinking again and it brought back all the same feelings from when she has been.
Its supposed to be one of the AA steps to apologise to people isn’t it? Yet there is nothing there from her at all. No doubt she kids herself that the "unless it would do them harm" but applies so she doesn’t have to (another example of deluded, self centred alcoholism?)
I also struggle as she often makes little quips about drinking like "oh that would make me turn back to drink!" Or "even I don’t drink like that!" Or judges others for their drinking. Again, total delusion on her part. But also joking about it seems to me to try and make it so flippant, without any recognition that she almost drank herself to death more than once, and almost destroyed our family over drinking.

Sorry, I know nobody can actually do anything to help this, but just wanted to vent to people who know what it’s like.

Sorry you're having a difficult time with it. I can relate, my person is sober and I have no evidence or reason to believe they aren't, but the thought process doesn't dissappear does it? I regularly have flash back sort of moments where I remember the pain she caused and find myself spiralling into thoughts about how we would cope if she started again.

There isn't enough said about how this addiction affects the lives of close family and friends. My person makes comments too, things about strong hand gel for example she will say 'ooh keep me away from that its 70% thats a relapse right there' and then laughs. I think she has no realisation about what it was like for us.

My person has apologised. When she was bad, it was an apology every day. But it meant nothing because nothing ever changed. We had an apology when she was in rehab as part of the programme. Tbh, even though we had one it didn't mean anything to me. I always said actions speak louder than words and I just need her to stay on the right path. Even though she apologised, I don't think there is any recognition of what she did to us all.

I sometimes feel jealous of friends who haven't had this in their lives, I wish i hadn't.

I know that you know these feelings will pass, but but no doubt they'll be back again at some point. Sometimes for me just checking in with my person can reassure my anxiety, or speaking to someone who knows them and asking how they are doing.

Take care x

 

[Curly Top]

I really feel for the the two above posters and their difficulties with flippant comments from their (ex) alcoholic relatives. It must be so hard to laugh or even endure listening to these quips. Their relatives are displaying a complete lack of understanding of the serious, deep hurt and pain they have caused.
Each day must be hard as you wonder if they will ever fall off the wagon and you have to support them through the whole process of giving up again. It is a mind blowingly hard road to travel.
I agree whole heartedly with the poster who said not enough is done for the supporters of alcoholics. It is as if their life goes on hold.
And it is bloody unfair.

 

[Definitelyme]

I really feel for the the two above posters and their difficulties with flippant comments from their (ex) alcoholic relatives. It must be so hard to laugh or even endure listening to these quips. Their relatives are displaying a complete lack of understanding of the serious, deep hurt and pain they have caused.
Each day must be hard as you wonder if they will ever fall off the wagon and you have to support them through the whole process of giving up again. It is a mind blowingly hard road to travel.
I agree whole heartedly with the poster who said not enough is done for the supporters of alcoholics. It is as if their life goes on hold.
And it is bloody unfair.

Thank you. I definitely feel my stomach knot up when I hear the flippant comments about drinking/returning to drinking. As if it’s all such a huge joke to her. It feels like such a slap in the face. I also remember before a pretty serious relapse that almost ended my parents’ marriage she made a similar joke so I suppose that connection is always there.

Thank you @37BBL while I wish nobody else knew how it feels, it’s always comforting and reassuring to know someone else understands, and that my feelings aren’t totally blown out of proportion. It doesn’t seem to affect my siblings in the same way (although maybe it’s just not something they discuss? I suppose I don’t) so I do wonder if I’m over sensitive sometimes about it.

 

[babbling brook]

I haven’t posted on here in a while but just need to vent.

My husband drinks too much and is hugely in denial about it. He was planning to do Sober October and has been so moody and whiny today about needing a drink that I bought him beer to shut him up. Please don’t tell me I’m enabling him; I know that, and I’m annoyed with myself for giving in. But why should I have to be the one to always be the bad guy and get moaned at for not buying him anything when i go to the shop? It is so exhausting.

If your person knows/knew they drink too much, how long did it take before they decided they were ready to stop? What was their breaking point? Bad hangovers don’t deter him and he works from home so doesn’t have to drive. He is so selfish and immature with his drinking sometimes and I’m tired of repeating myself about how unhealthy it is. I’m not getting anywhere because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an issue. There’s always an excuse.. stressful work, stressful house projects, stressful kids, etc.

 

[Definitelyme]

I haven’t posted on here in a while but just need to vent.

My husband drinks too much and is hugely in denial about it. He was planning to do Sober October and has been so moody and whiny today about needing a drink that I bought him beer to shut him up. Please don’t tell me I’m enabling him; I know that, and I’m annoyed with myself for giving in. But why should I have to be the one to always be the bad guy and get moaned at for not buying him anything when i go to the shop? It is so exhausting.

If your person knows/knew they drink too much, how long did it take before they decided they were ready to stop? What was their breaking point? Bad hangovers don’t deter him and he works from home so doesn’t have to drive. He is so selfish and immature with his drinking sometimes and I’m tired of repeating myself about how unhealthy it is. I’m not getting anywhere because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an issue. There’s always an excuse.. stressful work, stressful house projects, stressful kids, etc.

Years and years (decades) of alcoholic drinking, several failed suicide attempts, the near loss of the marriage and familial relations. But it is so different for everyone and until they are ready to take that step there is nothing we can do for them

 

[babbling brook]

Years and years (decades) of alcoholic drinking, several failed suicide attempts, the near loss of the marriage and familial relations. But it is so different for everyone and until they are ready to take that step there is nothing we can do for them

I’m so sorry. It’s so hard being able to see how they’re hurting themselves but know there’s nothing to be done until they’re ready. Thank you for replying x

 

[Definitelyme]

I’m so sorry. It’s so hard being able to see how they’re hurting themselves but know there’s nothing to be done until they’re ready. Thank you for replying x

Im sorry for what you are going through. despite what has happened with my mum I still can’t imagine how horrendous it must be to deal with alcoholism in your partner. I really hope he has the awakening he so desperately needs x

 

[37BBL]

I haven’t posted on here in a while but just need to vent.

My husband drinks too much and is hugely in denial about it. He was planning to do Sober October and has been so moody and whiny today about needing a drink that I bought him beer to shut him up. Please don’t tell me I’m enabling him; I know that, and I’m annoyed with myself for giving in. But why should I have to be the one to always be the bad guy and get moaned at for not buying him anything when i go to the shop? It is so exhausting.

If your person knows/knew they drink too much, how long did it take before they decided they were ready to stop? What was their breaking point? Bad hangovers don’t deter him and he works from home so doesn’t have to drive. He is so selfish and immature with his drinking sometimes and I’m tired of repeating myself about how unhealthy it is. I’m not getting anywhere because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an issue. There’s always an excuse.. stressful work, stressful house projects, stressful kids, etc.

Breaking point for my person wasn't straightforward. There was a lot, and I mean a lot, of lies. Nobody knew how serious they were into alcoholism. An amazing actress at putting on a front.

My person lost absolutely everything. Home, partner, children, family relationships. They still didn't stop. They always claimed they wanted to but said they couldn't. They caused unimaginable pain by their actions. Whilst I don't want to go into detail, they put other peoples lives in real danger. They got themselves arrested several times, black and blue from falling over. Hospitalised for various self inflicted things. Nothing stopped them though.

It was only when a place became available at a rehab detox centre that they took the treatment. They always said they wanted the rehab and knew they couldn't do it without it.

I genuinely don't know what the turning point was. When they came back from rehab they relapsed after 6 months. They've been sober now 9 months I believe.

I wish I knew the answer but I think its down to them, unfortunately nothing we say or do changes how they act.

I saw my person this evening actually. I always take a few minutes to consider whether I think they're okay (I did) I still struggle with it all though and our very worst times were almost 3 years ago now.

 

[babbling brook]

Im sorry for what you are going through. despite what has happened with my mum I still can’t imagine how horrendous it must be to deal with alcoholism in your partner. I really hope he has the awakening he so desperately needs x

Thank you. I know it could be so much worse but he really becomes so obnoxious and arrogant when he’s drunk. My mum grew up with an alcoholic father so she’s told me a bit of what it could be like. That must have been really hard x

 

[Kezza_69]

I guess alcoholism is different for us all.
My person, was my Mum.
She had 16 sober years before passing away almost 5 years ago.
She was very selfish as a drinker, dragging my sister and I from our beds to go to the off licence, bribing us with a couple of quid to spend on goodies ( it was a lot of money back then )
It was always someone elses fault why she drank, sometimes the weathers fault, but NEVER hers. .
It definitely changed my sister and I's relationship with alcohol.

 

[37BBL]

I guess alcoholism is different for us all.
My person, was my Mum.
She had 16 sober years before passing away almost 5 years ago.
She was very selfish as a drinker, dragging my sister and I from our beds to go to the off licence, bribing us with a couple of quid to spend on goodies ( it was a lot of money back then )
It was always someone elses fault why she drank, sometimes the weathers fault, but NEVER hers. .
It definitely changed my sister and I's relationship with alcohol.

Sorry to read of you losing your mum. Agree its so different for us all. The selfish aspect seems to be a common theme though.
Totally agree on it changing your own relationship with alcohol, I have the odd drink perhaps once maybe twice a month, I never have more than one though. Or if I was out for an occasion I would have a couple.
I'm very aware of others drinking around me.

 

[babbling brook]

Sorry to read of you losing your mum. Agree its so different for us all. The selfish aspect seems to be a common theme though.
Totally agree on it changing your own relationship with alcohol, I have the odd drink perhaps once maybe twice a month, I never have more than one though. Or if I was out for an occasion I would have a couple.
I'm very aware of others drinking around me.

I completely agree with the selfishness of it all. Its also made me rethink my own relationship with alcohol, especially when it comes to drinking at home. I find myself following sober accounts on Instagram and it’s so interesting to see their reflections on when they were drinking and it seems so similar to what I’m currently observing at home. It’s so frustrating that he doesn’t see it too. Or doesn’t want to see it would be more accurate.
It is such a horrible illness.

 

[Kezza_69]

I completely agree with the selfishness of it all. Its also made me rethink my own relationship with alcohol, especially when it comes to drinking at home. I find myself following sober accounts on Instagram and it’s so interesting to see their reflections on when they were drinking and it seems so similar to what I’m currently observing at home. It’s so frustrating that he doesn’t see it too. Or doesn’t want to see it would be more accurate.
It is such a horrible illness.

I follow sober accounts too . .
SoberDave is a good IG account
And Endlesspossibilities. .

 

[babbling brook]

I follow sober accounts too . .
SoberDave is a good IG account
And Endlesspossibilities. .

SoberDave is brilliant. So interesting. I will search for Endlesspossibilities.