I do wonder if there's any happy ever after stories after the addict in your life stops drinking. My husband still sober, attends his meetings, but he has not been through the step where he makes amends to people. I know deep down the resentment i feel of what i had to go through eats away at me, and i need him at some point to acknowledge what happened and apologise. Especially as he made me feel crazy at the time, as in saying he did not drink, whilst the empty bottle of whiskey is on the table, as we have the super strange cat burglar planting empty bottles all over the house.
- Notice
Miffy46
New member
thanks for your reply, he does know he has a problem - it really affects his life now as he goes out of action for weeks (sometimes months) at a time. The problem is when he’s sober he won’t discuss it. I think it’s more that he has mental health issues which he deals with by drinking? I have joined a few groups on Facebook for Adult Children of Alcoholics, when I first found them it was like a lightbulb moment - like other people feel like me?! But now I need to take the next step in what I’m going to do. I spoke to him on the phone last night and he asked me to come along and I said no. Usually I would fob him off then eventually go but I’m trying not to do that. Not only because it’s upsetting to see how he is living but it really drags me into it. He often tells me I’m his friend, I have starting saying ‘no dad, I’m your child - your my parent, not my friend’
thank you for your replyNot my parent but this was me...I did have a problem and I kept it hidden I was very close to needing therapy, but somehow I pulled myself out of it...I can't really explain how I just kept thinking of my Grandma who died in 2015...I know she would be looking down on me ashamed and disappointed. I wanted to be me again...I tried for ages to say it was "normal" as I could go without for weeks but when I drank again it was absolutely loads.
I'm so sorry it's gotten worse through lockdown, this is something I've seen a lot of people struggle with especially with alcohol and drugs. Do you find anything in particular happens around the time your Dad does these binges or is it completely out of the blue and random? Just know you're absolutely not alone, we are all here for you
There are lots of random things which sets him off. I’m trying to not link myself to it anymore because it doesn’t matter if I phone a lot, visit, take him out etc or do none of it. At the end of the day it’s not about me and I need to not put pressure on myself - he has to do it for himself.
Scotty1976
Chatty Member
I feel during lockdown I've wanted to drink more even though i have ed I'm beginning to count down till wine o clock 
my gran was alcoholic retired really young ,widowed and plenty £ I hoped it would have skipped the generations but recently seems to have skipped dad and hit me .my gran was lovely think she drank because she missed my papa so much I'm dealing with berivement and loss scared it will get worse it hits late night then I hit vodka and coke and red wine I'm early 40s why would I do this now ?
my gran was alcoholic retired really young ,widowed and plenty £ I hoped it would have skipped the generations but recently seems to have skipped dad and hit me .my gran was lovely think she drank because she missed my papa so much I'm dealing with berivement and loss scared it will get worse it hits late night then I hit vodka and coke and red wine I'm early 40s why would I do this now ? Please vent here if you need to other people's actions are not a reflection on you .it's not bad for you to want the negative element of their personalities to go away keep yourself safe and well
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Gembo
VIP Member
I am so sorry that you’re going through this and I can relate to so much of it. Both of my parents were alcoholics too, my mum died of it as did my Nan and my dad died of cancer but he was drinking right up to the last few weeks and having read his dr letters and medical records I do believe his drinking was a contributing factor.
I can fully understand the absolute toll this will all be taking on you, it’s so painful watching your mum do that to herself. My mum used to say the same sort of things that she’d be dead soon and didn’t care if she died but when they actually told her that she didn’t have long left she fell apart and was angry and cried and it broke my heart because like you I had begged and pleaded with her to stop and even though I told her she would die if she carried on I don’t think I actually believed it myself until it happened.
The only words of advice I can give you is that you have to look after yourself, that doesn’t mean turning your back if you don’t want to but knowing when you need to give yourself a break for your own mental health. I put myself through the ringer and got ill at times, I wish now I could have gone back and paced myself a bit more. Joining Al Anon was probably the best thing I ever did when it came to all of this, I felt completely alone before that so it helped enormously to know that so much of what I had took on as being my fault or responsibility was actually not. There is a Facebook group called Coaisathing (children of alcoholics is a thing) that might be helpful to look at and to be able to talk with other people in a similar situation. Just always remember it is not your fault. I am really sorry xx
Scvee13
Well-known member
My granda was an alcoholic, my parents cut ties with him when I was 11ish, he died not long after. I used to work in an acute medical ward, it baffles me that alcoholics come in to hospital, they are put on a withdrawal programme, referred to addictions and then once dry as long as no other medical issues they are discharged. Thats if they haven't signed themselves out first. Addiction is hard because until they want help you can't do anything and more often than not there's no one left to support them when they want help. My dad didn't drink because of his upbringing with an alcoholic parent.
Firstly I am so sorry to read about this. Have you informed or asked for support from social services you can do so by local council websites.Hello,
So, my dad has always liked a drink. As long as I remember he spent a lot of time in the pub and would lie all the time to my mum about where he was, how much he was drinking. Mum finally left him 23 years ago and since then he's lost his job, house and alcoholism swallowed him. He ended up homeless and wouldn't accept our help, we were at our wits end, luckily a policeman found him sleeping rough and it lead to him being housed in council over 65 accommodation.
He seemed really happy and said his time living with nothing had helped him detox and now he didn't need alcohol. Between me and my siblings we each called once a week,two of us live a hundred miles away and one closer so we would call in when visiting and our other sibling would go more often. He didn't like us being too involved, always kept us at arms length and got mad if we interfered too much so we just did what he would allow, but we used to chat about what he'd been up to... Walking / shopping / what he'd been cooking etc
He never needed anything and we always asked, always said he had everything under control and to be fair it always looked that way when we visited. With the onset of covid he became really withdrawn, didn't want us to visit anymore, he became very scared to leave the house. We called on the phone as often as we could (not more than once a week as he said we were checking up on him and would get mad). We sent him food parcels and amazon parcels of masks / sanitiser etc but his life changed quite a lot during lockdown, not feeling safe going out and not seeing anyone.
We had cheery conversations with him and thought everything was okay. He told us everything was okay, we had no reason to worry. We talked the same about food and TV programmes, and how he'd been keeping busy etc
Last week my sibling went over to drop something off at the door and found him on the floor. He hadn't answered my call the night before which made me send my sibling a bit sooner than planned. He was unresponsive. The ambulance came and fire to get them in the house. He had been on the floor upwards of 24 hours.
His house was a terrible state, full with hundreds of cider bottles, messy and unclean. My dad was taken to hospital where he told them this had been happening a lot. They've found him to be severely malnourished, low sodium, low BP, cuts and bruises from other falls, he's undergoing tests still for bleeding on the brain from one of the falls and possible other things including chest xrays and neurological tests. He's still in hospital. We asked if we could get clothes for him / stuff from the house and he said he didn't have anything clean and he didn't even own any socks.
We are absolutely devastated. He hasn't let us near him for the last year because he's been so scared about covid, so we've kept in as much telephone contact as possible but we had no idea what was going on and how bad things had got and over the phone he was always so cheery and told us everything was fine. He was always good at telling my mum what she wanted to hear when they were married so perhaps we shouldn't have taken what he said at face value so much, I don't know.
I don't know what to do, how to help. The hospital have him on detox medication but I'm not sure what that is or how it helps. The alcohol team are involved too. I just don't know how it came to this and why he didn't tell us he needed help.
I don't know why I'm writing this, I've been to clean his house and bought new bed things and clothes and essentials. But I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know medically where he is really and they won't let us visit in the hospital, we are taking regular packages though and we took him a phone so we can call him directly.
Does anyone have experience of a situation being hidden from them to this point? I just wish he had said something, told us he was drinking again, and that it was serious and he was having these falls/periods where he was unconscious, we could have helped, my heart is breaking thinking of what he's been going through on his ownand I don't know what to do to help, I don't know what to do at all
Additions are so hard to break you need to get their want to stop drinking, that’s the most important step. Sitting with them and discussing the costs of drinking by cost I mean in terms of relationships, work, family and not just the physical cost of alcohol itself.
Then talk to them about the reasons why and think of reasons to over come it. It is a very hard process and not something I can give guidance with straight away but I hope that is a start.
Definitelyme
VIP Member
Good to hear your update, @37BBL I totally understand the dubious feeling, I think that comes with the continued relapses and disappointments we face as family members. I hope she continues to do well and is able to earn your trust again.
All seems to be well with my mum, but again it’s hard to tell what really goes on. I try not to think of it too much, my energy is needed by my own family, but I have noticed every few months or so I dream about her relapsing and in those dreams I tell her I hate her, and lots of other things, which reminds me that I still very much feel betrayed by her actions in the past, and it is not something I am “over” even when I’m not thinking about it.
All seems to be well with my mum, but again it’s hard to tell what really goes on. I try not to think of it too much, my energy is needed by my own family, but I have noticed every few months or so I dream about her relapsing and in those dreams I tell her I hate her, and lots of other things, which reminds me that I still very much feel betrayed by her actions in the past, and it is not something I am “over” even when I’m not thinking about it.
ButtonDownTheHutches
VIP Member
im sorry you had a shit time too
Thank you - and the same to you too.
It’s just so exhausting, and so utterly soul-destroying, isn’t it?
Death2unicorns
Chatty Member
Yes! Again I really relate to all of this, our experience really has been very similar, I felt deeply ashamed of her issues, even now I hate when I bump into people from our past and they ask me how she died, people are of course very curious about it as she was only 30, I just never know what to say and don’t particularly want to discuss it with people, there have been some really awkward moments when I’ve bumped into old friends of ours and they’ve said “oh how’s your xxxx (sister)” I hate meeting new people and them asking me if I have brothers or sisters, I just completely leave her out of the equation now and say no, I feel a deep sense of sadness about the way her life turned out but a part of me also felt relieved that it was finally over, I think I had not long let go of any lingering hopes that she could turn her life around, it’s my mum, and her child who I feel awful for, not myself, I didn’t really grieve for very long as I was just so done with it all
Nobody would blame you for not taking on the responsibility of her if your parents weren’t around anymore, you have to protect yourself - she can’t be allowed to destroy your life aswell xx
Definitelyme
VIP Member
My mum has been through this step before. Apparently. But I’ve never received an apology. I find that very hard to deal with. if she doesn’t acknowledge the hurt and pain she has caused me, I won’t ever fully be able to trust her or even begin to forgive her.
@NaeDebates for a long time I blamed my dad’s bad temper for all the terrible arguments my parents had in my youth. It’s only now I realise that he was living with an alcoholic and how hard tha must have been, and how often she is the cause of those arguments. His temper doesn’t help, but I blamed him for so long for something I no longer believe was his fault. I’m so glad you have been able to have a life far removed from your parents and the issues surrounding your dad.
@LittleBird I can’t imagine how hard it must have been giving up your whole life to leave your husband. What amazing strength you have!
loveanatter
VIP Member
I love to see positive stories but that person has to want to. So happy for your husband! & you!
Mulholland Drive
VIP Member
Ever since last Sunday I have been putting all the empty bottles of wine on my kitchen worktop. And currently I have 10!
I will do the same tomorrow (Sunday 6th December) and see if I can reduce that down to 9 come the following Saturday
I will do the same tomorrow (Sunday 6th December) and see if I can reduce that down to 9 come the following Saturday
Nice to see this thread pop up again.
I am doing okay. My person seems to be coping well and on track, touch wood.
I am sorry to read that your Mum is struggling. I completely understand the want and desire to try and store the feelings away. They consume you in so many ways and its a massive burden to carry around.
I managed to switch off when my person was very bad, not for long periods of time, but when I could it was a huge help. I found exercise really helped take my mind off it as I didn't have any reminders. I used to play a podcast and just jog for 30 minutes. I am no runner, it was more of a mental thing for me than the actual exercise, but it helped a lot.
I hope you find yourself a little bit of peace from the crazy mind which this can cause us xx
LittleBird
Well-known member
As someone who had an alcoholic partner for years, I completely sympathise with how emotionally draining and exhausting it can be. I applaud you for standing by him bit before you get married, it's really important to ask whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. I was riddled with anxiety and once I left and worked through months of therapy it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Only you can make the right decision for yourself but you are not responsible for making sure he lives a comfortable life at the detriment of your own happiness.I don’t come here often as I find it too hard but I don’t know where else to go.
My partner (soon to be husband) has issues. He says he will stop and he is the most amazing man sober. Our relationship is amazing. He had his first day back at work after a days holiday and it was long and stressful so he brought a bottle home which we agreed to share (I didn’t want to but it was easier than letting him have it all). Come the end of the bottle and he’s desperate, anything: he was going to get in the car.
He is a complete Jekyll and Hyde. He’s been known to drink all my tipples as they last for ages and he’s started on my gin which he hates. I’m the one who made it worse, I’m the one who should be supporting him but frankly after 12 years I’m in self preservation mode. I have to walk away from him in this mood.
I don’t want to leave, but I’m stuck in knowing what to do. He had an awful childhood and he seems to be sort of dealing with it lately so it is coming to a head. He won’t take therapy, he’s on a low does of anxiety medication but won’t go back. He wanted to come off it but know he needs to stop the drink first. I’m so exhausted
Definitelyme
VIP Member
She is an alcoholic. It’s possible she has been since you were very little, maybe she did well for a few years before reverting back. My own mum would have been good at not drinking in public, appearing that she didn’t drink at all, but she did.
it sounds like things have been very tough for you. Your parents probably aren’t going to change their ways any time soon. But it sounds like you could do with someone to talk to about everything that has happened.
You aren’t responsible for their mental health. It’s too much of a burden for anyone to be responsible for someone else’s mental state. You need to put yourself first x
Raininvain
VIP Member
I don't know if your relative/s know but in the UK there is Al Anon which gives support to family and friends of drinkers. Also just do what you want re the funeral, attendance or not is not a reflection of how much you did or didn't care for the person.
Gembo
VIP Member
No no don’t say sorry you didn’t upset me it’s just a bit hard for me but I wish I could help you. Gosh please don’t feel bad this is your thread and I will try to help where I can but may dip in and outI'm so sorry I didn't mean to cause any upset.
