Alcoholism

[Annie101]

My husband is a functioning alcoholic, in complete denial. It’s awful. He tells me I’m exaggerating, making the narrative fit my own aims and he’s fine
He drinks minimum 300ml-500ml vodka daily, often more. Mixes drinks. Won’t see any issue with this as holds a very successful job. Feel like no one will ever believe me. Most of time he is fine, drunk but ok but every so often argumentative, horrible and let’s be honest abusive
I feel I’m on a constant merry go round and the worst part is I even doubt myself, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is it me.

I am utterly trapped and it feels like a prison sentence. He really is Jekyll and Hyde

He will make you feel like the crazy one, it is part of the disease. It took me a very long time to realize it is not me. Realize that you are powerless over it and that you need to take care of yourself. The verbal and mental abuse being with an alcoholic is one of most horrible experiences in life. I am glad you acknowledge it for what it is, never make excuses for him. Thinking of you and lots of hugs

 

[Definitelyme]

My mum was an alcoholic, I say was, she did eventually get sober and managed 16 sober years before passing away 4 years ago.
I only ever remember her drinking and being drunk at functions. She wasnt a nasty drunk, didnt even really do things that showed her up, in fact, she became a mute when she was drunk.
My sister and I had a thing where we wouldnt phone after midday as she'd already be slurry and topping up from the day before.
I remember her asking my dad to bring a bottle home from work and he "forgot" . . She absolutely hit the roof and at the time I thought, "wow, its like her life depends upon it" . . Know, I realise, it probably did.
I tried for years to get her help, calling her Dr, begging my dad, no one would step in until she asked for help herself.
It was only in the last few months of drinking that her personal hygiene slipped and she actually drank from the minute she woke.
Her help came in the form of AA meetings, she took it very seriously and eventually became a sponser herself.
I remember in her early days she wouldn't want to be around alcohol, a few months later she was fine with it and was eventually able to pour a drink for someone else and even visit pubs for a soft drink.

She was always rather controlling and sometimes narcissistic. .

There are lots of help pages about
On FB 1 called HOPE (hearing other peoples experiences) is a good 1

Whoa, I’m so glad to hear your mum was able to turn it all around and live some happy, alcohol free years. I’m so sorry she is gone now x

 

[No style rocky]

Everyone is worried sick over this.

I didn’t want to read and not respond. I can relate to so many comments you’ve made especially nothing ever being your brothers fault. You do literally feel sick with worry at times. I don’t have any solutions to offer but just wanted you to know I understand x

 

[Dogtanian]

Good to hear, i must be growing up (eventually), as i am treating the situation differently. I go to him and says to him you him that his drinking has nothing to do with me, and his issue to deal with. Whereas before i tried to fix things. I am no longer fixing people around me, i am taking care of myself. At first I thought it is a very selfish way of live, but the reality is that it is my survival model. It is making my life way easier.

I think that's probably the only thing that you can do. Keep strong though.

Does anyone have any thoughts about alcoholism being in the genes? My parents weren't alcoholics - my mother was virtually tee-total and my father drank maybe a bottle of wine a week. My brothers and sisters are all total alcoholics though - as in the two bottles of wine a night category. It affects my relationship with them as I don't like to get in touch with them after 7pm, as I know they will all be in their respective houses, drunk as lords.

As for myself - I try to drink only at certain times, christmas, on holiday, birthdays etc. I find though that when I do have a few drinks I can't stop and would polish off everything I could get my hands on. I'm guessing this would give me an alcohol dependency issue but I've never really checked. I don't need to drink and don't feel the need to drink - until I've had a couple and then I can't stop.

 

[Shoequeen91]

My hubby was a really bad alcoholic and reached a rock bottom when within a year he ruined our sons graduation by damaging our hire car so by the time we got to the celebration it was over then got drunk at dinner that night and our son was so upset that he stayed at uni 2 more days rather than come home as arranged.
a few days later after a row with son about it he locked himself in the bathroom and slit his wrists.
This type of thing continued for about another 2 years until it finally reached breaking point and I left with my teenage daughter and told him to find somewhere else to live. He did and sobered up and lived somewhere else for 10 years. He’s been sober for 18 years.
however he’s never said sorry to me for what I went through ( poverty extreme debt and constant worry ) but is on good terms with his children
Try to think of yourself please

I’m really sorry you had to go through all of that and the shine was taken off your son’s moment. It’s really the worst. I don’t live with him and we left a long time ago but things don’t really seem to get better - he lives on his own so it’s constant hounding by the phone sometimes. He phoned the following day and said he was “unwell” and didn’t want anyone to go his this weekend. He’ll sulk all weekend like a child now. I’m convinced it a control problem because everyone is grown up and adult. I managed to put it out my head and finally get some rest. Can’t let it ruin the rest of my weekend, he’s an adult and anything he does is a reflection on himself and not me. Drives me mad because people are willing to help him but he plays victim and apparently no one supports him. It’s ridiculous but I’m absolutely still considering leaving the country entirely at some point to build a life for myself elsewhere.

 

[Definitelyme]

HI everybody, just checking in and hope you all ok. Husband still sober, going to AA daily. I am going on holiday on Sunday leaving him by himself, so of course i am a little nervous that i am not at home checking on him. But I really do not time away recovering from all the 2021 trauma.
I hope you and the addict in your life recovery and forgiveness.

Love to you all

I hope you have a lovely break, and that you’re able to switch off your worries about what’s happening back home.

 

[babbling brook]

Sorry to read of you losing your mum. Agree its so different for us all. The selfish aspect seems to be a common theme though.
Totally agree on it changing your own relationship with alcohol, I have the odd drink perhaps once maybe twice a month, I never have more than one though. Or if I was out for an occasion I would have a couple.
I'm very aware of others drinking around me.

I completely agree with the selfishness of it all. Its also made me rethink my own relationship with alcohol, especially when it comes to drinking at home. I find myself following sober accounts on Instagram and it’s so interesting to see their reflections on when they were drinking and it seems so similar to what I’m currently observing at home. It’s so frustrating that he doesn’t see it too. Or doesn’t want to see it would be more accurate.
It is such a horrible illness.

 

[Annie101]

Oh Annie. It is not your shame. Your post is heartbreaking. Please reach out and talk to someone. I’m glad that you have posted here. Alcoholism tears lives apart, so many of them. I do know so much of how you feel. You are not the crazy one. I wish I knew more of what to say to help, just know that you are not alone x

Thank you, and sorry - this is the only place i allow myself to vent

 

[Ponponpon]

I have a fair bit of experience with this sadly. Usually I would say Al Anon is a great place to start but I think meetings are suspended due to covid but might be worth checking. There are books on amazon and lots of videos on youtube. I’m so sorry that you are going through this its very difficult. Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Your coping mechanisms don’t sound wrong at all, they sound quite strong I think. It’s not easy to be around an alcoholic especially one that’s in denial x

I second joining a local Al-anon group. There's lots on zoom and they are beginning to open up their face to face meetings. There is also a group on Facebook. I have found them very supportive and working my Al anon "steps" has really helped me to cope with my husband's alcoholism. It sounds like your coping mechanisms are in line with the tools Al-anon uses so a good start

Good luck. Alcoholism is such a difficult and sad illness.

Thanks both. I didn't even know Al Anon was a thing!

@Wishwash - I hope your husband's situation is different to my loved one

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I am climbing the walls desperate for a drink at the moment
There's a alcohol prohibition on the buying and selling of alcohol here in South Africa, which has been in place since December 31st. It was due to be lifted on the 15th of Jan, but our president decided to extend the ban indefinitely.

As a consequence, us alcoholics have been left to fend for ourselves, and 2 weeks ago I was arrested, charged and fined for trying to buy illicit alcohol from a street vendor.

I was hoping to return to England last weekend, not least to be able to drink wine with relative impunity, but my flight was cancelled at the last minute. I have rebooked, but we're looking at next Saturday now.

Am having constant arguments with my parents, along with lots of mood swings. Right now, my mood is incredibly negative, and I just feel like telling the world to go fuck itself.

Politicians are cunts. They just don't see the bigger picture.

Sorry

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Please don't beat yourself up. It's ridiculously hard to avoid alcohol completely in the early days, I would suggest weaning off it until you feel like you can try one day without. Have you got a specific routine of pouring a glass I.e. where the glass is stored in your house, the bottle etc. It sounds silly but I found hiding the alcohol behind stuff in the kitchen helped my brain forget about where it was. If you live with someone ask them to hide it or better yet throw it out. Not buying it is the best way to keep away. All the best.

Do you have anyone who can support you? You aren't in denial about it which is a massive step.

Take each day as it comes and maybe try a change of routine. When you would normally reach for the bottle, try a walk, a fitness video on YouTube, baking - if you manage to avoid just one drink see it as a small success.

Nothing happens overnight, keep going xxxx

In a moment of sobriety I have just poured 4 bottles of Jacob's Creek down the loo, leaving me with just one. Hopefully that will keep me going for the next day or so as I really don't fancy going out in this weather, especially since the nearest shop that sells this stuff is about 15 miles away!

Moreover, if I do start drinking again today, I won't be able to drive. So that's another incentive.

The big challenge is when I do go to the shop in the next couple of days, is that I don't do what I usually do and buy a case of JC (usually 6 bottles), as this generally works out cheaper per bottle than buying individually. And of course with so many bottles in the house, that's when I get into trouble.

But we shall see.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

@37BBL I got the job, thank you for asking
Briefly spoke to partner this morning, he said hes been feeling down and its because Im moving on with my life (we work for the same place) and hes being left behind.

We often talk about his drinking, the physical/health side for him and the emotional side for me and he gets better for a few days before slipping into old habits. Hes 41 years old and has drank heavily since he was 16 (both his parents and his brothers are all big drinkers too) where I come from a family who dont drink. Also the financial side as we are buying a house, i earn less but have saved 6k while hes saved....300. And thats not because he doesnt want to, but because he spends so much on alcohol he has nothing left by the end of the month!

You can’t seriously carry on as you are with this man. The red flags are all over it. Do not get into a financial commitment of a mortgage with a man who cannot control himself, who is drunk everyday and who clearly doesn’t care about you or your relationship. It’s madness. Does he have a car/drive on a daily basis? If so then he really shouldn’t be. Don’t willingly set yourself and your children up For a lifetime of hell & heartbreak at the hands of a man with a huge alcohol problem.

 

[Annie101]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his shit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

 

[mochibean]

That is such wonderful news. Very pleased to hear that, for both of you. X

Thank you so much!
I was on the verge of giving up, I felt powerless to help her.
I'm glad she's made the decision to try to quit and seek support.

 

[Louisej3]

My aunt is pretty much an alcoholic I used to work with her in a cafe and all day long she would be drinking strongbow cider or wine (those box's of wine)

then she would go to the pub after work in the space of about 2 weeks she fell over twice breaking her arm, some ribs and a gash near her eyebrow, her daughters my cousins where trying to help her and tell not to drink a work etc

She no longer has the cafe, but I worried, I've always seen her drink but til I was working with her I didn't realise how bad it was xxx

 

[Definitelyme]

My dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.

In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.

In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.

He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.

He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.

When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.

The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.

After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.

Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about the loss of you dad, and the miserable years he had prior to his passing. You sound like a truly amazing person to channel all of what has happened in to a positive, best of luck in your future career.

 

[Definitelyme]

I disagree people can go and get themselves help regarding their drinking/ drug taking etc if they wish. Some people do manage to change and stay sober or clean. There is hope but they have to want to do it really badly.

The post was about those affected by a loved ones alcoholism.

@37BBL I got the job, thank you for asking
Briefly spoke to partner this morning, he said hes been feeling down and its because Im moving on with my life (we work for the same place) and hes being left behind.

We often talk about his drinking, the physical/health side for him and the emotional side for me and he gets better for a few days before slipping into old habits. Hes 41 years old and has drank heavily since he was 16 (both his parents and his brothers are all big drinkers too) where I come from a family who dont drink. Also the financial side as we are buying a house, i earn less but have saved 6k while hes saved....300. And thats not because he doesnt want to, but because he spends so much on alcohol he has nothing left by the end of the month!

It sounds as though he may be willing to accept some more help, if he talks openly and tries to change. I don’t think it’s easy for all alcoholics to go it alone, many need great support to change. Would he consider AA?

 

[Drea1984]

It’s the selfishness at times that gets me?
our father had a stroke which my brother missed. So our father is in a nursing home now.
I have power of attorney and have to do everything. If I ask my brother to do basic things like answer the phone he says “addicts are unreliable”.
he has admitted using food banks, being sanctioned on his benefits because he won’t work, hasn’t got a washing machine or fridge but apparently this still isn’t rock bottom? If this isn’t rock bottom what will be?

 

[gmf21]

How is everyone? Mine has stopped, I’m finding it very hard. Everyone rallying round him who either didn’t have a clue or didn’t care to notice and I’m sort of left to deal with it. Feel like a bitch for not just being ecstatic but y’know.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

I went to the One Stop this evening and had to queue down the wine aisle. All the special offers basically said 'only £7 #thankyoumum' and '£1 off #thankyoumum'.


I hate the way that drinking seems to be targeted more and more at mums these days. I know it's mostly marketing pressure but from what I've seen they try and make people feel like they're a stick in the mud if they don't have #ginoclock or #winetime or telling people that they deserve to have a drink because they've 'had to deal' with home schooling / their children all day.


I'm not silly, I know that most people who drink are able to do it sensibly but a lot of people are able to smoke casually, or even for years, with no health effects. If you had a cigarette advert that said '£1 off a pack of ten cigs #thankyoumum' people would be up in arms about it.

Completely agree here! Drinking has become so normalised in today’s society, especially since Covid-19 the amount of people I see desperate for a drink like you say, people more excited about the pubs opening than seeing their families that they’ve not seen for over a year. The normalisation of getting “pissed” and being a total wreck. It makes me so angry. I have never drank and have never been to a club, I never will. Seeing someone drunk is triggering enough. Too many people don’t see the negative and devastating side of alcohol, and what it’s like living with someone who’s an alcoholic. That turned into a bit of a rant didn’t it