Alcoholism

[Annie101]

Sorry guys its me again. I try to not air the "dirty laundry" on here, but I do need to vent. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery. Hidden alcohol around the house etc, all mentioned before. He religiously goes to his AA meetings and I am (were) proud of him. A few months ago he started taking weed to sleep at night. Since then i think it has become a problem (cross addiction). At least i don't get the nasty, horrible side of him resulting from alcohol. Last night i asked him did you take weed, he looked straight into my eyes and said no. His behaviour clearly showed me that he is stoned. This morning i confronted him about it and said i am upset because i thought he stopped lying to me and he said he didnt - he just forgot that he had weed. I dont have in me to deal with his addiction any longer. It has been 10 years of tears, of secrecy and me not sharing it with any of my friends or family. Driving to work this morning, i just started crying, but had to control myself as i have an important meeting and didn't want my client to see that i am a wreck. I have begged, i tried tough love, i have forgiven and supported, i dont know what else to do. We have such a beautiful love story and a lifestyle that i am very greatfull for but this ONE thing just F*cks everything up. In my heart i know i no longer trust or respect him. Its like i am living my life holding my breath waiting for the next big incident to happen and that is no life.

 

[babbling brook]

Years and years (decades) of alcoholic drinking, several failed suicide attempts, the near loss of the marriage and familial relations. But it is so different for everyone and until they are ready to take that step there is nothing we can do for them

I’m so sorry. It’s so hard being able to see how they’re hurting themselves but know there’s nothing to be done until they’re ready. Thank you for replying x

 

[Scotty1976]

Key is to protect yourself before helping others. I grew up with an alcoholic father and met my ex who had only recently become sober.

The two experiences were very different but both just as hard. You’re watching someone destroy themselves as well as watching a partner you love find themselves again and battle with the idea that they’ve lost themselves without drink. You’re constantly on edge and worry for them when things get tough.

Both my dad and ex were so sure they were ‘fine’ and any suggestion that they weren’t was met with deaf ears or diversion onto what was wrong with me.

People can only change when they decide themselves to do so. You can give them the resources and point them in the right direction and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on but you must remember that they may return to their old ways one day and you really really have to protect yourself for when/if that day does come.



Loss is a hard thing to process and we all have different coping mechanisms to cope with it. You MUST remind yourself that you are your own person and not your Gran. Alcoholism doesn’t run in the blood, it can follow generations because of behaviour patterns seen in the early stages of development and throughout life.

This isn’t a bad thing you’ve noticed, this is in fact very good. You’re noticing a behaviour in yourself that isn’t good. It’s a signal to yourself that you’re creating a pattern that is self destructive and could ultimately lead to worse things. Right now you have the opportunity to tackle this.

Drink and drugs for the most part are used as a distraction to inner feelings that you can’t quite deal with right now. Perhaps you need to release the emotions you’ve felt after the bereavement? Or maybe you need to heal from the fear that one day you’ll end up like your Gran. Talking to someone will help, whether it’s a therapist or an anonymous person here! I personally use a few things such as CBD, yoga, swimming, CODA meetings (for codependency & for friends/family of alcoholics) and positive affirmations every night when I’ve felt low. It’s not easy, but they do help to reset negative thought patterns.

I wish you SO much happiness and hope.

thank you so much for your kind and wise words .My grief is because our puppy died of a brain tumour at only 15 weeks against my wishes my family got another puppy she only 10 months and has been diagnosed with lot of elbow problems.Although she is insured we just don't have enough resources financially and mentally to see her through this .She is going to charity foster carer in few weeks and hopefully she can get her problems sorted and lead a happy life .I'm scared for her feeling we've abandoned her when she needs us.She would be in a home environment and get all the care she needs .I just cry all the time with all the future things we would have done.think that's where the drink comes in .She good at going to her bed and settling.,I can't sleep so drink as a knockout.

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

I'm so sorry to hear your story, it truly touched me as I am lesbian too and drank in the past to mask my fears of what my parents would think. When your mum says what she does about you, it's because she doesn't understand through refusal to understand not everyone is straight. We fear what we don't understand, and she is most certainly an alcoholic.

It's so hard as if someone doesn't want help no one can force them. Just remember none of this is your or your siblings fault even if she tries to make it seem that way. She has chosen this as harsh as it sounds, and it does sound like shes very poorly. Do you have any other family members that are neutral and could help you intervene?

Sending my love to you

Thanks.I don't really have any other family to intervene - I have one older sister but I've been NC with her for seven years, she's a very violent and sadistic person so sadly life's better without her around. I have my nana (dad's mum) but I'd never be forgiven if I mentioned it to her and she's always been a big drinker herself so I don't think she'd understand. My mum pretty much became a hermit after her breakdown and hasn't spoken to any of her friends or neighbours in over 19 years so there's no one there either and she refuses to have a smart phone or internet access in the house so there's no online support groups I can find her and she lies to the doctor (and finds it hilarious) that she's tee-total so they can't help her.

I think you're right, nobody can help her until/unless she wants it but I'll be there if she does decide to ask.

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I flew out to South Africa a couple of weeks ago, primarily because I have SAD, and being in England during winter was literally doing my head in

Am hoping that being back home, and enjoying summer weather, I might be able to get a handle on my dependency on white wine!

I was getting through at least 2 bottles a day back in England. I just hope I can move on from that and resort to orange juice or some other soft substitute during my time here in Johannesburg - I owe it to my kidneys!

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Thank you everyone for posting your stories, they've really made me feel like I'm not alone for the first time in years.

I've been told my whole life that I'm not allowed to talk about my family to anyone and it would make me an evil person but I've been under so much stress that I'm going to write my thoughts down and if it's traced back to me and I lose them then that's how it is. Otherwise I feel like I could crumble.

My person(s) are my parents. I'm 99% sure my mum is an alcoholic and I'm not sure if I'd classify my dad as alcohol dependent or just a habitual drinker (he has drunk every single night for decades - probably since I was born - but usually in moderate amounts - more on a non-work night - and he has a home breathalyser so if it's a work-night he stops in-time to be under the limit for when he commutes in the morning.)

My mum had a bad upbringing and both of them suffered intense trauma before I was born that they've never recovered from. My dad has always drunk but I never noticed it as a problem when I was a kid. My mum swears that she never drunk a single alcoholic drink when my sister and I were kids but I remember that we used to have a bottle of cider always in a cupboard. I mentioned it to my mum recently and she said it was my dad's and that she never had a drop but I feel like she did and she's lying to me but I can't remember enough to know if she's telling the truth. I've also got a couple of photos of her with me when I'm young and she has the 'drunk' look on her face that I've seen so many times now.

When I was in my early teens (almost 20 years ago) she had a massive breakdown and attempted suicide and I pretty much became her mental health carer. She started on anti-depressants but she's admitted to me that they don't work but she doesn't want to try any others in case they work less. Both of my parents believe that therapy is morally wrong and so she's never got any more help. She had to leave work on medical grounds and hasn't worked since.

I remember being in my late-teens and I know she didn't drink then. My nana would encourage her to "just have one" whenever she went out with us and, when I was around 21, she did have "just one" and things spiralled from there.

I finally managed to move out when I was 22 and she wasn't an alcoholic at that point. I noticed that she was getting drunk more often though and when I was 24 I realised that it was becoming a real problem. I'm 34 now and it's only got worse since.

I haven't seen her since before lockdown one but the last time I saw her she was in an absolute state. She gets drunk every single day. A 'light day' consists of a bottle of wine and four cans of cider. A very bad day can be two bottles of wine and six cans and a couple of cocktails or even more. Her drinking has slowly gone from 'drunk by 9pm every day' up to now 'drunk by 4pm every day' and it's only climbing earlier. She says that it's fine because she "goes to bed early" but she only goes to bed because she's too drunk to stay awake. Both of them say that they can't sleep unless they drink or they have nightmares about their traumatic experience so they're both self-medicating with alcohol to an extent.

I've lost count of the amount of times she's burned her hands and arms trying to fill up a hot water bottle and then not noticed until the next morning. She can't feed herself when she's drunk, she just lies her head on the table and pours the food partly into her mouth. She can't stand up either, she crawls around the floor like a two-year-old and can barely talk, just mumbles unintelligibly. She'll eventually throw a tantrum and then my dad will 'put her to bed' where she crawls up the stairs and then lies in bed eating chocolate (one day I'm sure she'll choke on it and that will probably be the end of her. She's choked on food when drunk many times already).

She has severe memory loss when she drinks. I came out as a lesbian in Oct 2019 (I waited so long because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy and I didn't want to upset them) and when she's sober she's 'fine' with it but I've had so many phone calls from her telling me how awful I am for choosing to be gay and how much I've upset her and how she wants to have a proper daughter and how I'm doing this to spite her and that if I loved her I'd be straight and so many horrible things. Then she doesn't remember that she's said them and when I tell her she says "no, I wouldn't say that, I'm fine with it."

I'm not allowed to be upset with her. If she does something to upset me I have to forgive her straight away otherwise she'll start to panic and says her depression will get worse because of me. It doesn't matter what she's done, I just have to shrug my shoulders and move on and never mention it again because she's sorry and that should be enough and it isn't fair to blame her for something that she's sorry about.

She lies about how much she drinks. I've banned her multiple times from calling me when drunk and I can tell by her voice when she's been drinking but she'll swear that she hasn't and on the sixth time of asking she'll laugh and say she's only had a couple so it doesn't count. I can't not answer the phone though in case she is actually having a crisis. Then, the next morning, she'll say that she's sorry and I have to forgive her and we go round this merry-go-round again and again and again.

I've lost hope that she'll change. She's starting to be affected physically by the alcohol now. She's the same age as my dad but people assume that they're mother and son. They're in their sixties but she looks 85-90. She won't leave the house, even pre-covid she left maybe six times a year. She's forgotten how to drive. She's forgotten how to use money. She's almost completely sedentary at home. She struggles to stand up now, even when sober, and she says it is because of her age but my dad walks 5-8 miles every day in all weather so it isn't her age. She's started to get what she calls 'tired eyes' and I'm struggling to understand what she means but it's something about how they won't stay still? I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of neurological damage going on.

I've tried everything. I've tried begging, pleading, ignoring, crying, getting angry, distracting her, bargaining and nothing makes a dent. I told her that she drinks too much and she says "I didn't drink when you were a child so I deserve to drink now" but a) I think that she probably did and b) she obviously wasn't drinking for a reason when I was in my late teens so, considering she's smoked for over 40 years and isn't health-conscious, she must have known not to drink somehow.

I've told her she'll die and she says "that's fine, this is how I want to die." I've told her that her dying affects me and she shrugs her shoulders and says that she's "an adult and can do what she wants". I've shown her photos of people in late stage liver disease/failure and told her that's what is coming and she says "oh well, we've all got to die of something."

I honestly think that she thinks she isn't an alcoholic because she doesn't drink first thing in the morning and she isn't the stereotypical 'homeless drunk on a park bench' but that's exactly where she'd be if my dad wasn't working and able to keep a roof over their heads. She tells me that the amount she drinks isn't a big deal and if I was normal and 'understood how the world works' (I'm currently waiting for an autism evaluation) that I'd understand that she drinks a perfectly normal amount and would stop nagging her when she clearly doesn't have a problem. I've tried to get through to my dad multiple times but he says "that's just how she is" and isn't willing to help them both change.

I honestly feel like it is only a matter of time before she dies, either choking or falling or ending up with liver failure. I feel guilty for thinking it but I hope she dies before my dad does. He has the slightest chance of being able to cope without her but if he goes first she's no chance.

I'm absolutely tee-total after seeing what's happened to her but one of the things that hurts the most is how they both try and push me to drinking when I do see them. I'm always 'ruining the fun' and 'oh just have one' and 'live a little'.

Ever since her breakdown I've felt like I need to be the glue that holds her mental health together. I suffer from my own mental health challenges (I was diagnosed with depression at 14 but my parents forbid me to get treatment and told me I'd be a bad person if I did so I'm only now getting help at 34 after realising that their approach to mental health is not helpful.)

I have felt so much guilt for so long that I haven't been able to fix her but reading this thread has helped me realise that maybe it isn't my job to fix her. I love her, and I'll always be here for her if she wants help but I need to be able to talk about this, I can't let her keep pouring all her trauma into me without being allowed to have a way to let it out. I think when they are open in real life I'll try and go to an al anon meeting - at least one, to see if it helps.

Sorry for the very long post but this has been building up for the past 10 years and it's the first time I've felt able to put my thoughts down. Just for peace of mind - she is an alcoholic right? This isn't normal behaviour / a normal amount of drink that I just think is too much because I don't understand?

She is an alcoholic. I cried a little bit reading this, like looking into a mirror and seeing my own life. I don’t really have the words to respond in depth to what you’ve said just yet, my mum passed a year ago from alcoholism but I would love to chat to you more, or be someone for you to talk to off this thread because I honestly could cry for you

 

[37BBL]

I guess alcoholism is different for us all.
My person, was my Mum.
She had 16 sober years before passing away almost 5 years ago.
She was very selfish as a drinker, dragging my sister and I from our beds to go to the off licence, bribing us with a couple of quid to spend on goodies ( it was a lot of money back then )
It was always someone elses fault why she drank, sometimes the weathers fault, but NEVER hers. .
It definitely changed my sister and I's relationship with alcohol.

Sorry to read of you losing your mum. Agree its so different for us all. The selfish aspect seems to be a common theme though.
Totally agree on it changing your own relationship with alcohol, I have the odd drink perhaps once maybe twice a month, I never have more than one though. Or if I was out for an occasion I would have a couple.
I'm very aware of others drinking around me.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Hello,

So, my dad has always liked a drink. As long as I remember he spent a lot of time in the pub and would lie all the time to my mum about where he was, how much he was drinking. Mum finally left him 23 years ago and since then he's lost his job, house and alcoholism swallowed him. He ended up homeless and wouldn't accept our help, we were at our wits end, luckily a policeman found him sleeping rough and it lead to him being housed in council over 65 accommodation.

He seemed really happy and said his time living with nothing had helped him detox and now he didn't need alcohol. Between me and my siblings we each called once a week,two of us live a hundred miles away and one closer so we would call in when visiting and our other sibling would go more often. He didn't like us being too involved, always kept us at arms length and got mad if we interfered too much so we just did what he would allow, but we used to chat about what he'd been up to... Walking / shopping / what he'd been cooking etc

He never needed anything and we always asked, always said he had everything under control and to be fair it always looked that way when we visited. With the onset of covid he became really withdrawn, didn't want us to visit anymore, he became very scared to leave the house. We called on the phone as often as we could (not more than once a week as he said we were checking up on him and would get mad). We sent him food parcels and amazon parcels of masks / sanitiser etc but his life changed quite a lot during lockdown, not feeling safe going out and not seeing anyone.

We had cheery conversations with him and thought everything was okay. He told us everything was okay, we had no reason to worry. We talked the same about food and TV programmes, and how he'd been keeping busy etc

Last week my sibling went over to drop something off at the door and found him on the floor. He hadn't answered my call the night before which made me send my sibling a bit sooner than planned. He was unresponsive. The ambulance came and fire to get them in the house. He had been on the floor upwards of 24 hours.

His house was a terrible state, full with hundreds of cider bottles, messy and unclean. My dad was taken to hospital where he told them this had been happening a lot. They've found him to be severely malnourished, low sodium, low BP, cuts and bruises from other falls, he's undergoing tests still for bleeding on the brain from one of the falls and possible other things including chest xrays and neurological tests. He's still in hospital. We asked if we could get clothes for him / stuff from the house and he said he didn't have anything clean and he didn't even own any socks.

We are absolutely devastated. He hasn't let us near him for the last year because he's been so scared about covid, so we've kept in as much telephone contact as possible but we had no idea what was going on and how bad things had got and over the phone he was always so cheery and told us everything was fine. He was always good at telling my mum what she wanted to hear when they were married so perhaps we shouldn't have taken what he said at face value so much, I don't know.

I don't know what to do, how to help. The hospital have him on detox medication but I'm not sure what that is or how it helps. The alcohol team are involved too. I just don't know how it came to this and why he didn't tell us he needed help.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I've been to clean his house and bought new bed things and clothes and essentials. But I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know medically where he is really and they won't let us visit in the hospital, we are taking regular packages though and we took him a phone so we can call him directly.

Does anyone have experience of a situation being hidden from them to this point? I just wish he had said something, told us he was drinking again, and that it was serious and he was having these falls/periods where he was unconscious, we could have helped, my heart is breaking thinking of what he's been going through on his own and I don't know what to do to help, I don't know what to do at all

Oh I’m so sorry, this brought tears to my eyes. To your question, yes! My dad moved out of our family home and a year later so did I. This left my brother and grandparents (it was a big house so half the house was ours and the downstairs was my grandparents). When my brother called the day she died myself and my dad hadn’t seen her for a month or so and we had no idea the state she was in, we had been the ones trying so hard to sort her out and for our own health had to leave. My brother shut himself in his room, my grandad is elderly and can’t go upstairs so my nan was the one looking after her, she’s elderly too. I feel so guilty still that I let her get in that state

What I’m trying to say is it’s not your fault. You did everything you possibly could to help him. Even during a lockdown, you did the best you could because visiting him may have caused more harm than good as alcoholics are really vunerable to getting the virus. The truth hurts, but if he wanted to tell you he would. If he wanted your help, he would have asked for it. He didn’t want the help and only he can decide and accept he needs it. He probably didn’t want you to see the state he was in because he loves you so much and wanted to protect you but also he could have been ashamed. You can’t control anyone elses actions but your own. Alcoholism is a disease and I doubt he would have even known how much of a state he was in, he probably would have been very withdrawn in his mind. All you can do is continue to tell him that you love him and when he’s ready you’re there for him. It’s so painful knowing there’s nothing you can do, but it’s the sad truth. He’s in the best place possible now to try and get a second chance at life. Continue to do what your doing but also put yourself first. I’ll be thinking of your family and pray he turns a corner

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Sending you so much love. This must be so hard for you, trying to manage your own feelings and worries about what will happen, while balancing your sons need for very clear answers. A truly devastating situation for you both. X

He has other, much younger children too (my son is 20 but emotionally is much younger). It's just very sad. He's not that old, early 40's.

 

[37BBL]

Sending so much love to you all.




There's so many stories, perhaps we should change this into a support thread - a safe place to release where we can relate?



Oh my goodness how are you? Are you out now?




After everyone else sharing, I guess I should share. My person is my mum. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was young so I was left dealing with it alone. I went through a period of not talking to her after asking her not to drink when she knew she'd see me and she refused. She said she didn't have a problem, it was in my head, she can drink if she wants to, she's an adult etc etc. We've talked a little bit over the last couple of years though it's a difficult relationship but it's never acknowledged.

The trigger for me starting this thread is that my mum is currently in hospital having had surgery after a fall. She claims she didn't fall over anything, trip or slip, she just fell. She also said she did it a day after her sister said did. She generally drinks from lunchtime > early hours on alternate days, and there were empty bottles in the sink. She called me 5 days later having been stuck on the floor. She told me that there were women burning something and a bird in the house, which she's now trying to say is dehydration. Course, what are side effects of alcohol withdrawal...vivid hallucinations! The hospital have diagnosed kidney damage too. She's very convincing when she says she doesn't drink, and whilst on one hand I think the hospital must know, she said she had a health MOT where bloods were taken and all was fine. Sometimes I really feel I'm made to think I'm going mad and it is my issue, not hers, but rationally I know that's from being a young child and being told by the person who you're supposed to trust beyond everyone else that it's my issue, you believe it, but that it's not the case... As a child I felt like I'd be left an orphan as she'd kill herself through her drinking and I'm having all those flashbacks. In the hospital she's on morphine for the main and on the phone, she sounds drunk and can be pretty incomprehensible and it's triggering me every time I speak to her. I'm so split trying to avoiding it and filled with anxiety about it all, so much so I'm not sleeping/eating/functioning well at all. Here endeth a boring tale of me.

Sending you love and support. That sounds so hard. I completely get the triggering, when I speak with my sister if she sounds slightly tired I immediately think she is under the influence and then the anxiety starts, i always get cold shaky legs when I am anxious about it for some reason.

She went through a few hospital stays too where she was medically detoxed, she would be shaking from the withdrawal. As soon as she came out she was back on it. When she couldn't have as much as usual, the hallucinations started. She regularly used to message my mum saying our relative was out partying and she had seen her down the street in someone's house, or that she had the tea on the table and was waiting for her children (they were no longer in her care) she even made a full meal one day believing we were all going round for tea and then kicked off that it was never even a conversation.

I still have thoughts that she will die from this. I picture and act out the conversations that I will have with people when she had gone, explaining what happened. In my head it will be easier if that did happen.

In my experience, they can only get help when they admit it and when they want to. You cannot force them to do it because it won't work and they will go back on it. So many terrible things happened to my sister, she lost her licence, her home, her children, her partner and her family, but she still wouldn't take the steps. Alot of it I think was the lack of help and support in our area, she had to go on a waiting list for a long time to get into the detox centre. When they called to say they had space it was a case of be here in 2 hours or lose your space and go back to the end of the list. It then cost my parents thousands to pay for her rehab and to then clear her house and sort out a new place for her to live. What I was told by someone and it always stuck with me, was that she is a grown adult and she made her own decisions and is an alcoholic wants to hide it then they will find a million ways to do so. She was clever, we had no idea how bad it was until something horrific happened.

She has relapsed once that I know of since she came out. I expect her to do it again. I think of her as a very selfish person and I cannot understand why she makes the decisions which she does.

My dad goes to al anon support group, he finds it very good. I never have. I shut her off in my mind and I don't speak about her aside from asking my mum if everything is OK.

Have you considered a support group? Maybe it would be helpful for you, you sound like you are in contact with your mum alot more than I was with my sister. Perhaps talking about it would help you with some strategies on managing her moving forwards xxxx

 

[Definitelyme]

Sorry, I know you were replying to someone else but I think for me the hardest thing is knowing there’s literally nothing I can do until he’s ready to stop. He admits he doesn’t want to stop. I find that really hurtful because it makes it seem like me and our son aren’t enough, but playing to his emotions doesn’t work.

what makes someone want to stop? Do they just wake up and decide enough is enough, or is there some big terrible event that needs to happen? I have scoured the internet trying to find this answer.

Hangovers don’t deter him. He works from home so doesn’t have to drive. I think he honestly believes I am being unreasonable by being fed up with his drinking.

It is incredibly hard when they just straight up don’t want to stop, when they have no interest in that, despite begging, despite seeing what it’s doing to others. I have no experience of having a partner as an alcoholic, and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, especially with children involved. Honestly, I don’t know what makes them want to stop. I have never yet worked that out, when the switch flicks, and why it’s not enough that they are destroying their family. I don’t have any answers for you, unfortunately But I do know how worrying, and upsetting, and infuriating it is to just simply have to wait and I’m so sorry you’re going through it.

 

[Gembo]

Yes, how is everyone doing in general at the moment?


I'm doing okay. My mum has backed off a bit since I told her I was starting anti-depressants and I haven't had any drunken insulting phone calls. Or many phone calls at all really - she's leaned on me a lot since her breakdown and used to phone at least twice a day for years but now it's suddenly once or twice a week. Part of me thinks she realised it was getting a bit much for me but I think it's more likely that she's in a huff about me trying to get my mental health sorted, she's always hated the idea of me getting treatment and even refused to let the GP treat me when I was first diagnosed as depressed at 14.


It makes me feel like a bit of a horrible person to admit it but it's been nice not to have to be focused about being 'on' every day and worrying about picking her up.

You’re definitely not a horrible person it really takes it’s toll. Make the most of the breaks where you can get them. I once read a quote, I can’t remember exactly how it went or even if it was specifically about alcoholics but it said something along the lines of ‘they don’t want their life vest, they want yours’ and I could really relate to that. Your mum may very well be upset in some way that you’re working on yourself and I think that comes from a kind of jealousy because they wish that they could do it but they can’t or won’t so they try to drag down others around them. It does bring up a lot of guilt to have to keep a distance but you can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves x

 

[Gembo]

Oh Gembo, I am so so so sorry. I hope you have support around, you'll have seen others mentioned Al Anon and Cruse offer some great services too. If you want to chat more via DM, please do message xx

Thank you I do appreciate it, I’m luckily we’ll supported. I sincerely hope your family member can overcome it. But do make sure you take care of yourself too, it takes a toll. And likewise if you need to talk xxx

 

[37BBL]

Yes! Again I really relate to all of this, our experience really has been very similar, I felt deeply ashamed of her issues, even now I hate when I bump into people from our past and they ask me how she died, people are of course very curious about it as she was only 30, I just never know what to say and don’t particularly want to discuss it with people, there have been some really awkward moments when I’ve bumped into old friends of ours and they’ve said “oh how’s your xxxx (sister)” I hate meeting new people and them asking me if I have brothers or sisters, I just completely leave her out of the equation now and say no, I feel a deep sense of sadness about the way her life turned out but a part of me also felt relieved that it was finally over, I think I had not long let go of any lingering hopes that she could turn her life around, it’s my mum, and her child who I feel awful for, not myself, I didn’t really grieve for very long as I was just so done with it all

Nobody would blame you for not taking on the responsibility of her if your parents weren’t around anymore, you have to protect yourself - she can’t be allowed to destroy your life aswell xx

This is exactly how I feel. If she was to drink herself to her death, i don't feel i would grieve. I would be heartbroken for my parents and her children, but for me; we haven't been sisters for about 3 years now. I mentioned the fact that I didnt drink much to someone the other week, when they asked why I just said I wasn't a fan. I'm too embarrassed to explain about her and how she has made my view on it change.

I feel like I would be relieved if she did end it all. Like my family would have some closure. I feel like if she continues like this it really will not be long.

I hope I haven't triggered any of your old feelings. Its really helped me knowing someone else has been through something which is really similar. X

I've started listening to a podcast called Hooked. It's on BBC and hosted by two recovering addicts. It's really interesting to hear their experiences and perspectives.

I posted about my husband a while ago. I am cautiously optimistic that he is getting to the point of changing. He knows he can't go on drinking like this (he has told me he knows he drinks too much) but at the same time he has to be the one to make the change and realise for himself that he needs to, and deserves to be, healthier. I find that one of the most frustrating aspects of it. I can nag (horrible word, but feels accurate) him all I want, but he has to be the one who decides to improve his life. I keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for his choices and it makes me feel better.

It is definitely his responsibility. He is a grown man and makes his own choices and if he decides to continue the way he is, that's not your fault at all xxx

 

[Kmacg]

Why do you stay with him? Genuinely asking, not trying to be rude. He doesn’t sound like he has any interest in how you feel at all and frankly he used your night out as another excuse to get blind drunk.
does he acknowledge that he has a problem? Would he be open to getting help?

I know you love him but ask yourself, are you willing to live the rest of your life like this? Seriously? I also wonder how he can possibly be such a great step father when he behaves like this? It’s not right for your kids to have to live with a man who has a drinking problem.

He never drinks around the kids. Between the hours of 7pm/until he passes out about 10pm he is disgusting. Next day he says he will quit. Rinse and repeat. But the rest of the time, hes funny, smart, loving. Like I said, he has got better since moving in with us, when he lived alone he was weeks away from killing himself, and Im very proud of how far hes come. Its just that final step of actually stopping. I just dont *get* drinking. I used to like a drink but havent touched it in months because I dont *need* it iykwim? I wish i could put my brain into his and vice versa so we could both understand better.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

In a moment of sobriety I have just poured 4 bottles of Jacob's Creek down the loo, leaving me with just one. Hopefully that will keep me going for the next day or so as I really don't fancy going out in this weather, especially since the nearest shop that sells this stuff is about 15 miles away!

Moreover, if I do start drinking again today, I won't be able to drive. So that's another incentive.

The big challenge is when I do go to the shop in the next couple of days, is that I don't do what I usually do and buy a case of JC (usually 6 bottles), as this generally works out cheaper per bottle than buying individually. And of course with so many bottles in the house, that's when I get into trouble.

But we shall see.

I'm really, really proud of you!! Its amazing you were able to pour it down the sink, I did that once and it really cemented in my head "you don't need this."

I try and avoid going down the alcohol aisle at the supermarkets now, unfortunately my local Tesco had the brilliant idea of putting all the soft fizzy drinks in the same aisle as the alcohol...I know this is the usual layout but I'm sure ASDA have theirs seperate. And I love my fizzy drinks so it's a bit hard sometimes having to go down that aisle.

I'm so happy for you

 

[Drea1984]

I’ve just been reading that there is a tablet that can be taken which is called “ozempic for alcoholics”. It apparently enables people to drink “normally”. I don’t feel this would be a long term solution for my brother who has a rolling programme of addictions that he alternates. Gambling, prescription drugs, under eating, over eating, over exercising etc. we have had them all on rotation over the last 30 years. However it does make interesting reading.

 

[theghosttown]

I’ve never written this down before. On paper I have a serious alcohol problem but I just can’t stop as I need that final kick up the arse.
My problem is that I don’t wake up with hangovers, don’t embarrass myself, manage to do my full time job fine and it doesn’t give me anxiety or other issues with my personality. Therefore, I confess that I still love it. I love the feeling of the first drink and how relaxed I feel as the night wears on. I completely accept I’m ruining my health and can’t carry on like this.
I follow several sober accounts on Instagram which are really interesting but they all talk about the dread of waking up the next day and using alcohol to mask insecurity whereas I just like it and wake up ok. Herein lies my problem.
I’m wondering if I should pay for a liver scan to scare me.
Any non-judgemental advice much appreciated.

One thing that really freaked me out was taking one of this online quizzes to gauge your alcohol score. My drinking risk is something like 9/12. I am a huge binge drinker. The thing is a liver scan could potentially have an adverse affect. If you actually have a healthy, functioning liver it may encourage you to continue. How much would you say you’re consuming. Is it more then quantity or how frequent it is?

Thank goodness you didn't come to any harm. What a terrible thing to do you! At least it forced a change for your benefit.

It's great you are so young - you will reap major rewards from this experience and knowledge.



This is a very hard question to answer. You, in common with many people in the UK, sound like a high-functioning alcoholic. You are honest enough to admit that you love alcohol for its own sake and don't suffer any ill effects.

If you had a liver function test I doubt it would indicate a serious problem as the organ is notoriously forgiving. It takes decades of hard drinking to show major damage. This is the insidious danger of alcohol. Once something like cirrhosis is discovered, the individual is often dangerously addicted and will have a huge problem giving up.

I'm sure you know already the bad effects of alcohol on every organ in the body. I agree entirely that if there are no problems and you are enjoying it and can afford it then it's tempting to continue. This, I think, is why so many people get into trouble. It takes a while for issues to emerge. Tolerance for alcohol increases over time and the drinker gradually needs more and more to reach the same levels of enjoyment.

In addition, particularly in the UK, alcohol is seen as the panacea for all ills - a way to celebrate, to reward yourself for a bad day, a pick-you-up for almost any occasion. Giving up, you may be seen as a bit of a bore. "Have just one, don't be a party pooper". This is often because alcohol dependence is so widespread other drinkers don't like to be reminded of their own issues or be thought to be judged by someone in their circle giving it up.

All I can say is that if you cut down you are likely to reap some major benefits. You will certainly save money, lose weight (unless you swap booze for chocolate), have clearer more hydrated skin, more energy and lose that nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you are storing up trouble for yourself sometime in the future.

I could read your posts all day. You write so eloquently and put everything across so well. Everything you say is so true, you’ve just said it a million times better than I could.

 

[GeorgeP123]

I have a close family member who is an alcoholic in denial (and has been for as long as I can remember). I certainly won't be alone. I don't want sympathy, but I wanted to enquire about coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms have been to distance myself, not to deal with them when drunk - so perhaps matching their denial with my own!

Is anyone else willing to share?

I was dating someone once who turned out to be an alcoholic. He would be so lovely and then in the same minute he would turn and just be really nasty and say nasty things. For a while I couldn't get my head around why he was being like a different person. He hit rock bottom and then got his life in order again but would have relapses and I just cut him out. It wasn't worth it. I have a good life and didn't want him to bring me down because no matter what, I couldn't be supportive anymore. I would get angry and so hurt and so upset. I couldn't get ky head round this nasty change in personality. I've done the right thing. However, his family don't see the toxic nasty side. He portrays me as villain and I don't know why

 

[theghosttown]

The South African government announced that the selling, distribution and consumption of alcohol will be banned as of the 29th December until at least the 15th January. Which means I can't buy it online, or from a local store or supermarket; pubs and restaurants can't sell it either.

I have no wine left in the house, and I am struggling to get replacements short of looking at other "options", shall we say!

Not sure what our president was thinking but it will just invite more problems that it hopes to resolve; and there's no way I can survive 2 more weeks without a drink

You can do it. I think with habitual issues the actual prospect is more daunting than than reality. Make a list of things to occupy your day with. I find when I am exercising I become far more conscious of my drinking habits.
Why has this been implemented out of interest?!