Alcoholism

[Annie101]

My mum is a functioning alcoholic. The first memory I have of her being drunk was 11 years ago when I was 9 and she fell down the stairs backwards after drinking heavily all afternoon and I had to phone my aunty to come and put me and my then 2 year old brother to bed. She is the most vile person when she’s had a drink, she verbally abused me from around 11 until when I moved out at 17.

Shes so nasty to anyone and everyone, she’ll lie about things and I remember one time she was so drunk and we were arguing and she had a knife and turned around and pretended to stab herself. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve experienced. She lied about me to all my family members and they thought I was the worst person and nasty to my mum for years. She used to walk into my room and just start being nasty for no reason. She drinks around 2-3 bottles of wine on her days off from work. She’s rang me in the morning before around 7 and she’s been drunk already. She lives with my brother and she still makes up lies about me. It’s really hard to deal with because when she hasn’t had a drink she is the best mum and nan to my children.
She’s kind, caring funny but as soon as she’s even had a sip of a drink she’s awful. I grew up with her constantly saying she wanted to die and about 3 years ago she had a breakdown and shaved off all her hair. She really made my mental health suffer for years and I tried to kill myself numerous times when I was 14. I worry for her so much, she won’t admit she’s got a problem even though deep down I know she knows she has. She’s got mental health problems but again won’t receive help for it. She loves my children but I can’t trust her to babysit them.
My grandparents and her brothers and sister have done nothing to help over the years, neither has my dad. He worked away and I basically had to look after myself. I’d come home from school and she’d be drunk. I came home one day and she wasn’t in and I had to sit at my next door neighbours for an hour until we saw her come home, she’d been at the pub and the owners had to carry her into the house. I was so embarrassed that I cried for hours, she won’t even remember that though.
Every birthday I can remember she’s been drunk and ruined, and every Christmas. I’m so glad I don’t spend Christmas with her anymore and I can create new memories because it was always so stressful having her argue with everyone all day and being angry at me when I’d done nothing wrong. I feel like she won’t be here in the next 10 years. She’s 53, I don’t want her to die I just want the alcoholic part of her to die. Sorry for the long post, I don’t get to talk to anyone about this. My partner knows and has seen what she’s like but I’m too embarrassed to bring it up anymore!

Sending you a BIG hug, i am glad that we can open up about these things together.

 

[37BBL]

Just thought I would bump the thread for anyone who needed to read some relatable views.

I've had a weird few days. Nothing has happened, as far as I know, just some anxiety and worrying that it is or might. I feel like this every now and again and its exhausting. My mind goes into overdrive thinking my person is drinking again, looking for signs when my parents speak to me that somethings going on and they aren't telling me. Checking whether my person is on WhatsApp when they should be doing a shift at work. As I say nothing has happened and I have no reason to feel anxious, sometimes these feelings just get me.

I hope you are all doing well xx

 

[northernspaces]

My mum seemed to do something similar for a while as well. She’d say she was stopping, making a real effort. Then you’d find empty wine bottles stashed everywhere weeks later.

I find the lies the hardest to deal with. The bare faced lying right to my face, and the lying by omission. How can you ever trust that they are really staying sober if they’ve lied about it so many times before?




This is hard for me. I feel a real pull between knowing alcoholism is a disease, not a choice, and therefore needing to help as much as possible... but also needing to protect myself and my own mental health from the lies and the behaviour that accompany the drinking. I always think if she were diagnosed with cancer I would support her without question and I should be able to do the same with alcoholism. But the negative effect it has on me means I have to step back so I am in a good space for taking care of my own kids.

Out of interest, how many people with an alcoholic parent don’t drink? I never touch the stuff, whereas my siblings are “normal” drinkers (a few glasses of xyz a few times a month).

It is maybe because of my age but I went through a period of heavy binge drinking when I left home to go to uni and I still do occasionally. Trying to stop.

My mum on the other hand grew up being abused by an alcoholic relative and so she has only been drunk once in her life. I think it affects everyones relationship with their own drinking differently but it’s usually one extreme or the other.

 

[Pumpkinpie]

SO much of that resonates with me. Please know you're not alone and my DM's are open.

Thank you, it’s awful that you relate with some of the things I’ve said and I wish you didn’t but I’m glad that I’m not alone

 

[37BBL]

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone. I feel quite a bit better today and less overwhelmed by everything having blurted it all out and knowing other people go through this sort of thing (though obviously I wish you didn't.) I hate teams/zoom calls and it would do me more harm than good to go on one but I'm determined to give an al anon meeting a go when they return in real life, I've found one in my city that I can make the day/time for so for now I'll keep plodding along and distracting myself.

There is a lot to be said about distraction. It helped me so much when things were at the absolute worst. I used to find just having a couple of hours watching something on the TV or going for a run with a podcast really helped, basically anything that stopped me from thinking about it and what could or might happen in the future. I used to find that I would suddenly think, oh I haven't thought about her for the last few hours.

I have never done al anon but my parents go and find it really useful. It could be what you need, when you can make a face to face.

You can of course use this thread as an outlet too, as I said, it really helped me and still does. X

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Thinking of everyone on this thread. It breaks my heart reading every story and I know how hard this time of year can be without our loved ones. Sending lots of love 🤍🤍🤍

 

[Gembo]

Sending love to everyone.
My alcoholic sibling, who is now apparently 8 months sober, with one minor slip she says, was hospitalised over the weekend.

She was apparently being sick consistently and couldn't keep anything down. Called 111 and they sent an ambulance. She has a virus and gallstones, potentially gastroenteritis. Shamed to admit but I wasn't even bothered when my mum told me. I assumed it was alcohol related. I've googled and there is no link between gallstones and alcoholism. I still don't really care that she is ill though which isn't good on my part.

I am not convinced she stays sober. I read my mums messages (it went off when I was in her kitchen and she was walking the dog) there was an evening she should have been round for tea and didnt go, my mum had messaged her several times and no response. This is what used to happen when she was in drink. The messages said she was poorly being sick, she obviously was as she is now in hospital but I am still dubious.

Its so difficult. I know my mum is worried about her, but I just couldn't really care less so I struggle to empathise.

I do understand how you feel. There were occasions my mum was hospitalised that I didn’t go and see her. I did care but kind of felt like I didn’t, I think it was just the exhaustion of it and there were occasions it overlapped with having to deal with things in my own life as well. It was all too much. Also my experience is that alcoholics are amongst the worlds best liars. The stuff that my mum used to say and I remember family members having to ensure they were at consultant appointments with her because she would lie about how much she was drinking. I never really knew what to believe half the time but I know I didn’t trust her.
How you’re feeling is totally normal.

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

How is everyone doing at the moment?


On my end my mum is getting a lot worse both physically and mentally and I'm trying to keep her in a mental box so that the stress doesn't completely overtake my life but it's pretty difficult. I guess it comes with practice.

 

[Definitelyme]

I dont know if i can ever forgive my husband and that makes me feel bad. I can not happy he didnt have affairs etc. he only binged at home, lying to me about it. I have this resentment in me and i dont know if will ever go away.

Any betrayal of trust is betrayal. You have every right to feel the way you do. And those feelings last for many years, when someone continually lies and deceives You it is not something you can simply get over. From my experience (parent not partner though) it gets easier with time, although it lingers in your mind. I can never fully trust my mum.

 

[37BBL]

My dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.

In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.

In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.

He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.

He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.

When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.

The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.

After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.

Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace

Oh my goodness, your post has made me tear up. You've been through so much, what an awful time for you

I think its amazing how you are still able to remember him as your Dad. I haven't been through anything like that, but my person definitely caused me so much pain and there was a time when I wished she would die and didn't think I would miss her at all.

The career path you are taking is fantastic, what a lovely way yo try and help people who are battling this.

X

 

[JoeBloggs]

I dont know any of you, but a huge hug and lots of love to you all. Putting this in writing in the universe is somehow helping me cope and letting all the pent up feelings out. It makes me feel a little less lonelier with our secret. Brief update - He came to me to apologize, he moved back into the house with me. I had a peaceful weekend, i was able to breath. Ironically Al Anon contacted me over the weekend to be a speaker next week. Would be my first time, lets hope i don't start crying and be strong.

I could not agree with this more, the love I have felt posting here is amazing and I feel like I am being cuddled! I feel a little freer just being able to put my thoughts down. It does feel like its a secret and no-one I know would understand.

Me and my husband spoke yesterday, to me there is still a barrier to what he thinks is going on and what I think is going on but things are better. He has refused to get help at this stage but has acknowledged he has a drink issue. He is still trying to give up drinking and asked that I don't get cross when if he fails and to support him.

Good luck with the talk @Annie101

 

[LittleBird]

Really thought some headway was being made with my ex. He has been attending therapy (although she said she thought he wasn't an alcoholic) and has been much more pleasant to be around.

We are due to complete on our house sale in the next week or two, which has dragged on since July. His new attitude has made me consider thinking about working things out with him until this week. Every time I've been around, beer cans and bottles are on the sides and he has quite clearly had a drink most evenings - probably to cope with the upcoming move.

We've had a really pleasant day taking stuff to the tip and getting on really well and he text me this evening, drunk, asking about our future. I told him, as he has said many times before, that he needs to change for himself and not a relationship. He told me I was patronising, that he doesn't tell me I'm fat and that I need to lose weight for myself. He's continued to text me saying he has a point and what he said is true and I feel like an absolute mug for even considering something has changed.

I just needed somewhere to write this down because I hadn't told any family and friends I was considering trying again so they wouldn't be very happy with me. He is so charming whilst sober but an absolute arsehole drunk and I don't think it will ever change.

 

[Annie101]

Good to hear, i must be growing up (eventually), as i am treating the situation differently. I go to him and says to him you him that his drinking has nothing to do with me, and his issue to deal with. Whereas before i tried to fix things. I am no longer fixing people around me, i am taking care of myself. At first I thought it is a very selfish way of live, but the reality is that it is my survival model. It is making my life way easier.

 

[mochibean]

Had to cut off my alcoholic friend. Not totally but I'm not going to hang out with her, still here if she ever wants to talk and get help.
All she wants to do is drink. I actually don't drink bc I have mental health issues and alcohol just turns me into a manic mess and I always end up in a bad situation. She knows that yet it's all about the drink - and drugs!

I don't do any of that anymore, I'm too old for it. I used to be such a party animal when I was younger but I'm wanting to settle down now and take care of myself physically and mentally. Her talks about drugs and drink is draining tbh there's way more interesting topics to talk about.

We were the BEST of friends, unbelievably close, to the point we actually slept together and our friendship wasn't weird or anything. But now.. we're just on a totally different chapter of our lives and it's sad but it is what it is.

I feel bad but as others have said her family need to deal with this. I just feel like a bad friend.

 

[theghosttown]

being brutally honest, living with an addict is like being an extra in a movie. The addict is the main character and you lose yourself that you become that extra on the side that no one notice. I believe for the first time today, that it has damaged me and its like a dark cloud hanging over me, and my thoughts scares me as i am just looking for an easy way out.

I am so sorry to hear this for you and it must be incredibly hard watching your marriage be lost to something like addiction - it’s so out of your control and completely unfair. It sounds like you have really tried but you have to take a step back and think at what cost? You cannot allow this to ruin your life too. Why should it start to impact your career, your mental health when you have tried hard to be patient, supportive and understanding. If he won’t change then this will be a vicious cycle. It’s hard because I know this is probably something he can’t help but walking away is perhaps something you need to do in order to protect yourself x

 

[lozzapaloozza]

I hate Mother’s Day. Even though I have beautiful children and I love being a mother. But it’s just such a reminder of what I haven’t got because my mum valued alcohol over me and my siblings. I have to stay off social media that day, it’s too painful to see all the posts of people with their mums. So you’re not on your own, I totally relate.

That’s lovely that you have children and they can appreciate what an incredible mum you are! Does that ever help distract you on the day? It’s so hard and I almost want everyone to not post anything for my own benefit but that’s silly Last year I still wrote out a card for her and put flowers in her room and also got my nan a card and gift instead, she’s been like a mum to me since I was born. But you’re so right

 

[openbook1]

Hi all
I am glad I have found this thread. I have a family member who has had alcohol and drug addiction for as long as I can remember, since I was a child.
I am not sure what they would be classed as? They can go through phases of being sober but then binge for weeks at a time. This person's parents spent a lot of money on rehab for them, plus dealing with having to collect them from the police station, hospital, etc. They are very nasty when drunk.
This year this person spiralled again to breaking point. They ended up in hospital and then rehab for a few weeks. Once out of rehab, they had a councillor that would come by and they were meant to attend AA meetings. They are currently going through a divorce and their child has told them they don't want to be in contact. Well, only a couple of months later and they are drinking again. The parent that is still alive is devastated but exhausted. They've been through a lot with this person who's now in their 50s.
I agree with others that someone with addiction has to decide to get help and stay clean but it's sad seeing other family members so affected by this too.
I actually live abroad and it's crossed my mind that should something happen (they die) would I go back home for the funeral. It's something I really have to think about as with covid, travel seems so stressful and unpredictable.

 

[babbling brook]

My husband is still drinking between 350-700ml each week. His first reaction to any stressor is to drink, but it’s obviously just an excuse for him to drink. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to leave. An ultimatum wouldn’t work on him. Every time I say anything about his drinking he gets annoyed and dismissive. He is very much in denial. He’s always sick and tired and won’t acknowledge that alcohol could (guaranteed does) have a part to play in how terrible he feels most of the time. I’m pregnant with our second child. I avoid him when he’s drinking and go to bed because I can’t stand the smell or how relaxed he gets when the alcohol kicks in. I’m just really tired of it. I know his drinking has nothing to do with me but it’s hard not to take it personally. When he started having 1 or 2 midweek 3 years ago, I thought it was funny that he was a bit hungover the next morning. I never thought this was where I’d end up.

 

[Definitelyme]

Yes generally when sober, he has this habit of whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me to calm down or not now or he’s depressed so he can’t deal with it. I know it’s wrong, and I think deep down I know I should walk but I don’t want to.

I don’t really have anyone, my parents have an awful marriage and my mums attitude is very much just carry on. I have told my friends a few bits but I don’t want them to think badly of him. He’s not a bad person and on the outside we have a lovely relationship.

That’s it isn’t it, it’s seems like he’s letting it destroy his life, his relationship, his job everything. His mum went through the same thing as she refused to seek help and her partner (very lovely man) left her.

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so empty.

The fact that history is repeating itself is so sad. For us (non alcoholics) it doesn’t make sense, why can’t he see the pattern repeating and know how it ends? It’s frustrating and infuriating, and exhausting. What about talking to a counsellor yourself. I understand these things are really hard to talk about with someone you know. If you feel you don’t want to leave the marriage, then maybe you talking to someone could give you some idea of what options you have going forward.

I feel for you so much, and I’m so sorry things are so awful.

 

[Definitelyme]

Had to cut off my alcoholic friend. Not totally but I'm not going to hang out with her, still here if she ever wants to talk and get help.
All she wants to do is drink. I actually don't drink bc I have mental health issues and alcohol just turns me into a manic mess and I always end up in a bad situation. She knows that yet it's all about the drink - and drugs!

I don't do any of that anymore, I'm too old for it. I used to be such a party animal when I was younger but I'm wanting to settle down now and take care of myself physically and mentally. Her talks about drugs and drink is draining tbh there's way more interesting topics to talk about.

We were the BEST of friends, unbelievably close, to the point we actually slept together and our friendship wasn't weird or anything. But now.. we're just on a totally different chapter of our lives and it's sad but it is what it is.

I feel bad but as others have said her family need to deal with this. I just feel like a bad friend.

I absolutely agree with all @CosmicCreepers said. You are in no way a bad friend. At the end of the day she has chosen herself and her addictions, and you have tried to stay with her through that, but now it’s time to choose yourself, and that doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person.

And even though you were very close in the past, it’s normal for friendships to grow apart anyway over time. It sounds like you have very different priorities, so it’s natural that a friendship wouldn’t survive that, and be the same as it had been.