emmylou loves : Most liked Posts

I may regret saying this but I think we need to be really careful making assumptions about “babe”. As some of us have wondered maybe he doesn’t have Insta and therefore unaware at how problematic our Lou is and I thought I remembered reading we don’t tattle on people with under 10k followers? I think plastering him as a refugee looking for a meal ticket or scam artist as well as posting his photo is unfair and not what we are here for. I’m all for going at Lazylou, but until “baby” shows us he is only here for the meal ticket (which may be sooner rather than later) I dont think he is fair game and I can see Emmy using some comments to back up her “troll” narrative she likes to use on us “losers” anyway maybe I’m overly sensitive today but just thought I’d say my piece.

What a beautiful threat title! And exquisite artwork.

You’ve all been asking in my DMs so I thought I’d push another senseless money grab product and do a thread recrap. Since Leah is leaving us too I think we need to treat ourselves to a pub lunch.

In this weeks episode of Keeping Up With The Lardashians…

Unable to sublet the warehouse as an injectable space, our resident financial Miss Management realised she was about to be locked out. This hasn’t happened since she was a size 12. In a last ditch effort to clear it out before the repo man puts the padlocks on, she bagged up the last of her remaining wardrobe to donate to Brighton Salvos. She tells everyone it’s only because she’s moving in to consultancy. Apparently she misheard her account when they said ‘insolvency’.

A couple of bewdiful and well deserving people won stuff she was schilling and came to collect their prizes. I particularly loved the couple with the baby who won the cookware. They just about walked in on old mate in her g-banger from that time she was a size 8. Thankfully they missed the shit show because that would have ruined their sex lives forever.

Yo mamma was on again about the African sausage diet she’s been enjoying since she was a size 4. Harks back to the Cachia days when she showed excessive love for ye ole cocktail frankfurt. Look how that turned out. Leah asked her how she’s enjoying all that BBC. She responded by saying she doesn’t have much time for telly these days but does love to watch a little Kochie in the morning. Yet she still fellatiates a wrap.

We suspect all her weird arm poses are an old rotator cuff injury from getting down to some African beats. T doesn’t have the heart to tell her Africa isn’t a country and he actually hates dance music. He is, however, appreciating all the effort and is excited his lady friend is planning to invite Bob Geldof over for dinner. She’ll be sure to get the good plates out of the shed that night!

It’s been a year since ALove left us. He probably can’t handle her size 2 revenge body. Same reason Leah left. Time to get some new tempestuous headshits headshots and really make him jealous. Glad he didn’t get Miffy in the separation.

Now, pardon me while I excuse myself. I’m gonna tidy up my CV. I feel a job opportunity in the air! I can’t wait to be a couch potato in the gravy boat of life. Wouldn’t be the first time I had a LOUnatic for a boss. Thankfully Leah has cleaned everything up for me.

Don’t forget to drink some water my bewdiful communidy! Does wonders for the swelling.

New thread already? I’m sorry. I’ve been mad dog busy travelling with work. I only just got off the plane. I haven’t been vibing with humour this week. I feel like a need to move to a visual platform with my humour. The chair leg says it all. Let it all hang out.

“Mumma lovin had me a blast
Mumma lovin happened so fast”

Ya girl has been on the dating merry go round! Innuendos for all *giggles* We’re safe in the knowledge the closest thing she’ll get to a root is at the bottom of the weeds in her garden. We may soon get to hear about T. Is it the real thing? Does their love burn with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection?.

Munchausen booked herself in for a sneaky lap band removal. When asked if she could size down on the hospital gown and the ‘ladies’ obliged, in exchange for a face mask. Performing her trademark Emmylou sultry butt wiggle in to theatre, the anaesthesiologist gave the theatre team a lil something to get through the next couple of hours.

After waking up and taking her singing lessons, the model patient called up the ABC talkback line. Barricading herself in the hospital chapel she waited on hold over an hour for Raf Epstein to take her call before hanging up and getting a hankering for 2 minute noodles. Shame. She was hoping to sing A Whole New World with him, even if she does sound like a cow giving birth to farm equipment.

Eliza Donothing launched a new dress and tells us we can wear it to the races. Blubbergastered, we’ve all put in our preorders for Christmas. I’m gonna look like a stuffed turkey. Like my 10 year old at the toilet bowl, EL misses the target every time. I hope Bec Judd returns the favour and models it though. Even Brighton Salvos will refuse to take it. Sorry Preston, it’s your turn.

Swollen and unable to help move the warehouse across town, our girl did all the right things for recovery. Like bounce on the trampoline. Trying to get a summer body since two winters ago is hard work.

Somewhere is South Melbourne, an ex boy bander shed a tear. Relief that she’ll be frequenting some unsuspecting cafe in Collingwood instead.

Title suggestion: In the foreskin skivvy she resembles a chode. One more cheezel and her guts will explode!

liar liar flaps on fire said:

I’m with you Snarky. Please believe me when I tell you - she has always been vain, selfish and a bully. Even as a child and teen. She was pushy and loud and quite happy to ridicule others without a second thought. Sometimes having children and the ups and downs of life can change people for the better, and I wondered if this would be the case for EL. But this person is a true narcissist and will never change. It’s obvious she will never be sitting around wondering where it all went wrong. She is incapable of self reflection and growth. For years I’ve been following her and was so frustrated that nobody could see her true colours. You have no idea how vindicated I felt when I found tattle. Honestly it was like the world finally made sense. She is a horrible person unfortunately. And I just feel sorry for her kids.

Click to expand...

She's like the little boy who cried wolf. One day she will need someone, and no one will help her.

Her Bali jaunt finally did it for me. The big eyes welling with crocodile tears, major gulps, as she said she was offered the chance to travel to Bali and how her body was shutting down. Then I remembered her gleeful face as she proudly showed us her fast tracked passport two days earlier. And two days after her body was apparently shutting down she was excitedly giving us a tour of the resort and had managed to pack all the products she needed to advertise for the week. She had also remembered to pack her yellow condom dress and clunky heels to give us a tour of a resort that she conveniently twisted into a Bali Escape for 20+ people over 3 different weeks for ridiculous prices. Who packs heels for Bali?

EmmyLou, I sat next to my dying husband when he was in his final hospital bed as his body was shutting down, you absolute moron. You will say anything for attention and it's an absolute disgrace. I'm snarky tonight but also, the important family and friends are aware when a palliative patient has just days to live. EmmyyLou was carrying on with her garage sale on Thursday evening when her friend has apparently died 2 days earlier. Seems like she heard about this tragic death 2 days later. Emmylou may have been close to the lovely lady that died, but not in recent years. The fact that all her photos are about 20 years old support this. And we know how often EmmyLou has been to Geelong. She's doing the same thing as Bali - exaggerating everything and/or pretending she was much closer to this lovely lady than she was - all for engagement. What an utter disgrace. Prove me wrong EmmyLou, I'm waiting...

How long until we get a story trying to justify her actions today?

*pouty bottom lip* so I just wanna say that a few of you have messaged me *darting eyes* to say that you were worried about the children being left alone while I went and brought mah coffee. Geezus, who knew gettin' a fucken coffee was such a farken crime *loud laugh* I've got fucken needs too and can I just say, Soohlyn's kids aren't even farken mine *giggle* I uploaded the stories 3 minutes after we got there so they weren't in real time *glances to the left* and ya ya *stuttering* know *big gulp* since Aaron left us *wipes under eye* ya know since he left us the children have been asking for more um responsubillutty *eyes darting* and I fucken give them everything ya know *fake crying* Sagey, come and tell everyone that you were responsubble for ya liddle cousins today *looks off camera* No, come here *raises voice to shriek* Sagey *blurry motion, Sage appears looking downcast and extremely uncomfortable* go on bubba, tell them *Sage mumbles and quickly removes himself from camera. EL scrunches eyes and smiles* awwww he's such a good kid *fake crying* he's just growing up so fast *whole demeanour changes, presenter voice on* So tonight I'm dropping a code for the mugs and ya know they're just like such a good quality porcellar *SueLyn shouts something in background* what? Porc... porca what? Ohmagod *giggles, claps hand to mouth* Soohlyn's just told me it's porcelain *hysterical laughing, really scrunched eyes* the porcel *story cutsoff abruptly.

Hi guys *nose scrunch* I had the most just gawjus day at the Philip Island car show. The corporate box was so bewwdiful, like just really stunning *giggle* I got to go down the pits with the drivers and for those of you who haven't been following me since the start you know I used to you know drive a race car around Perth *eyes wide, earnest stare into camera* so you know they asked me for some tips and it was so bewdiful *giggle, eyes dart left* I had to buy a hat last minute because it was quite you know sunny *giggle* and *sigh* I won't go into it but my medication *scratches flaps* made me a bit wobbly in the sun *looks away from camera, spots Elise, voice gets louder* Oi, Elise, when we goin' for that farken ride in your car? *maniacal laugh* I'll drive, I've got ma Michael Course sneakers on, I'll farken show you how to use a what's it called that stick thing *crazy laugh, slaps legs* a fucken gear stick *rolls eyes* well ya know I don't do cars just fashion *lowers voice back to presenter mode as Elise hastily moves away* so I just wanna thank Shannon Bennett motorsports for having me here, you guys are just so gawjus. Big love *pained smile, muffled sound, camera pans down across feet before being turned off*

Petition to put things to rights by having #130 be @bitch_eating_crackers suggestion?

I have EVERY confidence she will still be looney by the dtime we get to there!

A react to this post = agreement that post #130 should be “One louniebird in her hand is worth two Eric’s in her bush”

Happy Easter! I hope you all had a fat nap on the couch after lunch.

Well @ChunkyCustard you certainly have a way with words.

In today’s covert recap, from witness protection deep inside a Woolworths self service checkout…

The three heads of Outspoken came at us again for trolling LouLou. Quaking in our boots, we understood how Ron, Harry and Hermione must have felt when Fluffy woke up. Buuut we played the harp til they fell asleep and kept going after the Philosophers gallstone.

Those of us working hard at BMI: Crime Scene Investigations got to the bottom of the stalking allegations. Turns out the person taking photos out the front of Lou’s house was the real estate agent preparing the house next door for sale and the person going through her trash was the garbo who had to move her recycling bin out of the way of her car which was parked on the nature strip.

Stalking is serious. So is fiscal responsibility. Get your prostate and imputation credits checked. Write off your losses and ride your off your boyfriend. Don’t get the two mixed up! Know your angles. But remember an obtuse angle will never be less than 90 degrees.

EmmyLou’s deep throat cyber security expert continued to take payment for work Tattlers could have done for free, yet so far has been unable to yield any results as to our true identities. After 3 package deliveries, ALove had to explain that ASOS is not our national intelligence agency and OneWord can shove her internet extender up MySpace.

To set the record straight, she always paid her employees but was the sole income earner in her house. not sure how that works when the domestic life partner and The Children©️ have contributed to content creation. #equalpayforequalwork

Aside from that… Deloris van Cartier took her children to the circus, washed her hair in Alfred Hitchcock’s bathroom and swam some laps. Nothing more to see here. Case closed.

~ The truth is out there.

Sorry for the delayed reply. Dogs ate my sammich.

Anywho… on today’s recrap…

The APH saga continued to grab headlines. From the three heads of Outspoken to the foreheads of Influencer Updates, everyone had an opinion. @Bishma said something about eating a bag of dicks. Thanks for the recommendation. Will definitely try that from the entree menu next time.

Bert Louton went to Sydney for on her back back to back meetings without her dental floss. Big mistake! Just like Vivian from Pretty Woman, she also screws people for money. And enjoyed Argylle better than Pirates of Penzance.

Just like her previous housemate, OMOLou got rid of her work-shy washing machine. Even though it could still function it was no use to her. Neither was the washing machine. Not like she had anything to put in it after 6 days. EmmyLou maths means you can save on the cost of a washing machine if you never use it.

We have NFI what the fascination with quicksand was about but in another display of EmmyLou maths she decided to size up… to the 80’s and kid herself about her age. We wonder what other childhood threats she’ll bring up. Maybe the blue ringed octopus? Stranger danger? Might be a good idea for the kids.

A change of pace from the usual ChemistWhorehouse events, old mate’s presence at the Emma x Disney lunch was as ill fitting as her dress. The Anthony Field of the influencer world fails to realise although she’s never possessed any talent, she’s now closer to getting a hip replacement than being a star.

Bob Marley had his birthday and we all enjoyed some ganja and baked chicken wings. Can’t wait to rewatch Cool Runnings.

We’re so excited she’s now debt free because there ain’t no one feedin, farkan or financin her!

For your viewing pleasure…. I found it. (AliExpress) This is what it’s meant to look like. You’re Welcome.

Even when if you looked like this it is the weirdest design… like why??

She looks like a blood clot in that dress.

Toto called: they want Africa back.

Happy NY tattlers. Poured myself a LARGE glass of wine ready for my NYE shenanigans.
Just did a quick Woolies shop - a few bits and pieces for tomorrow’s BBQ. Had my head down with my scan and go app , minding my own business looking for the foil plates…. Look up and I first see Aaron and then spot kids and then Lazylou near the fridges.

As i walk off 2 aisles back i see someone go up to her (must have been a fan) and i could hear her giggling and carry on a few aisles back. She was soooooo excited about being recognised. I thought this person must be a real Dickehead.

Can i just say - there has always been lots of commentary about Aaron and his limpy/ no back bone persona etc. Seeing him in Woolies today , literally just glanced up and his face was the first thing i saw. He really looked like a person with not much oomph if you know what i mean. He just a silly grin on bis face.

He looked just as he comes across in the Emmylou’s Instagram world. As someone up thread mentioned he’s not much of a catch. Nor is she. He probably likes having her direct his life and she enjoys having someone so pliable and willing.

anyway heres your nye present from me to you. stay safe.
P.s our health guru was stood in front of the frozen fried goods. No health kick behind the scenes.

Ok so…. I know Charlotte

I’m going to get some intel on this friendship because by my calculations there’s like a 10 year difference in their ages and I can’t fathom how or why this friendship was ever established.

Just going to leave this here ........

Thanks for the new thread and thank you to the winner of this week’s title.

On this week’s recrap…

The delightful staycay started off appearing a little sad but the Oakwood appears to have turned in to a little blokewood. Good thing she ordered oysters. You go girl! Explains why she ordered a whole bottle of red and didn’t talk much about the hotel. Oliver breathed a sigh of relief as she checked out and swiftly went upstairs to rub her fingerprints off the wall.

Dressed like a puppy pee mat, WinniebLou enjoyed a post coital ciggie outside the hotel. 70’s diet culture at its best. Speaking of culture, our lady of leisure has been taking a fair bit of time to learn about Africa. Wait til she learns it’s not just a country.

The human mondegreen dolled herself up as a lemon cello and appears to have moved on from Aaron Cheeny. Ciao to you, Pepé! Enjoying a bewdiful afternoon at the foddy wiv some warm scones, the staff at the catering box had to grab her some ice for that burn she sustained from Millsy. He does real work, 8 shows a week. He kindly offered her some tickets in exchange for her to Uber him dinner some time.

Scouting a new location for Cachia’s world book tour and dressed like my post latte turd, we ended up in Warragul. Nothing like a fan meet and greet in a tuck shop. Taking a break from African sausages, she was after a farkan hotdog mate!

Later that night Chewbacca redeemed her freebies from Millsy. (Wondering if she also took Lando Calrissian?) Having a gooorjus mummy-daughter night, she stood in front of the media wall and chromed a can of Impulse. The 90’s came flooding back. So did her memory that she bought her daughter along. Sorry MissC.

Another day, another crop top. It’s a vibe. Picking yesterday’s clothes off the floor from underneath the dog is the new fashun trend. You heard it hear first.

Another day, another crop top. FML. Mumma had a bewdy day at L’Oréal. Straight for the trough of food. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t fix her. Even Mark tried to fix the back of her hair for us but failed. He tried for the Xanadu but it ended up Xanadont. Nothing could be salvaged.

ALove came to dip his knife in the peanut butter. It’s been almost a year since you left us mate! Bugger off. But also, stay for a cheeky vino? We ain’t seeing T tonight.

You fezza moles! I can’t keep up. Thanks for the new thread. Just had a couple of red wines by myself so I had to rely on the dictaphone function. I hope this recrap makes sense.

Dear Diary,

With any luck, this journal entry will see me lose another 2kgs. If I write enough I just hope I can smash a cheeky party bag of Cheezels this weekend and not see the scales change.

Port Melbourne’s premier paramedic began the morning with a light stim session in bed. Either that or ET had crawled in to bed with her and suddenly wanted to call home when he saw what was on the menu tonight.

Small business owner and the world’s most accomplished egg sheller cooked up a big family feast and tried to pass off her intestinal discharge as some great African sausage. After seeing it violently hacked in to by a pair of scissors, uncle Cal got the message loud and clear and promised not to mess with Bubs again. After all, it’s a family affair.

The gorbellied goblin inspired us with before and after photos in the same bikini. A mid story minge check confirmed the gardening was up to date. Inspired by Cachia’s painted on abs she told us all about how she lost 20kgs. Leah didn’t have the heart to tell her she changed the setting on the scales and it’s only 20lbs. Never mind, Emmylou will be back at her job at Fitness First soon enough.

Donning a pair of rubber gloves to touch the meat, the vitamin drip lady was back to give Emmylou a marinade for the weekend. She needs all the energy she can get if she wants to go sky diving, horse riding or hot air ballooning.

Unmuzzled, our lady of leisure was grifted a friends weekend away with… ummm… let me check my notes. Nup. No idea. Didn’t the website say “BFF Sleepover package”? We were introduced to a cameo from the lovely bellhop, Oliver. Being the consummate professional he did everything to ensure every other guest was taken care of, rather than be pulled in for girls drinks.

We’ve met a gawjuss wall, a beautiful fridge and every man’s dream… endless views as far as the eye can see of car filled freeways intersecting before our eyes. Beware Tinder. It’s a trap fellas. If you don’t watch out the only way to escape might be to… abseil down.