emmylou loves : Most liked Posts

I had the absolute pleasure of observing this raving lunatic in the wild in the virgin lounge this morning. Everyone in the Melbourne uniform of black, black, and black, quietly going about their business, then a flamingo clomping around the place, maniacally talking into her phone, loudly giggling with nobody, and generally looking like a nutcase.

Emmylou Loves #77: Gettin’ on the gear & dancin’ on the pier, Sadza’s her favourite snack ‘cos AmyLou’s now black!

Lol unrelated to Amy herself, but it seems her boy Antho and I have slid into each other's DM's after I love heart eye reacted to a story of his.

Fire up the light stim and grab your chicken in a biscuit, it’s time for a recap!

The festive season has been disappointing as a faulty mitre 10 outdoor umbrella in the front yard for our girl this year. After crying into her phone for weeks about how she runs a tight ship and how hard it is to be a single mama, EL outsourced all her Christmas preparations to A Love before locking him in the basement and refusing to let him leave until Boxing Day. Much independence, healing times ahead.

Despite literally publishing a cookbook and running an Australian pork promo on her page, EL forgot to save some of her bewwwwdiful glazed ham for Christmas Day. Instead the family were treated to a feast of blanched sausages, chicken wings and 5L of layered rainbow jelly. A Love was forced to make do eating a bag of grass clippings from when he mowed the lawn prior.

A relationship separation is a difficult time for anyone, especially when one has three children who are also dealing with the change in routine, on top of multiple months in lockdown. Therefore, EL sought advice from her community for day trips to spend precious family time together, before promptly tapping out, ditching the kids with A Love and disappearing for a week to NSW. Somehow she thought it was less embarrassing to tell her audience she spent a week lying in bed stimming her fanny while watching basketball documentaries, than reveal the truth of the matter, which is that she was on her eleven thousandth attempt at fat camp. While she was away, the tattle thirst for A Love got real, and it’s only a matter of time before someone hooks up with him and she finds out about it by googling herself.

Sending a special shout out to her children who have now become her diet coaches, camera crew and back up dancers as they are forced to work together to kick EL’s goals in 2022. The kids have been looking visibly resentful every time the camera pans over to their little faces, and her community have started to notice. Will EL stop using her children as accessories and filming them without their consent? We can only hope.

Isn’t the first thing you do when you land from a long haul flight to have a shower? All her wiping and moisturising and keeping her vag/knickers ‘fresh’ makes it sound like she planned on being fingered in the car on the way to wherever she’s staying. Which makes me feel ill.

And what does she do with her Tupperware containers? I’d be mortified to stay with someone and pull out containers that need washing and have to explain that I took my own kilos of food on board because in addition to 2 year old post surgery swelling and monthly bloating, my stomach also suffers from the cabin pressure of an airplane and to combat that I’d brought a whole chicken, mountain of rice, bag of grapes, cookies and confectionary on my flight… and oh yeah I also ate the meals they supplied too.

My 1000th post!

~ An Ode to Instagram’s Biggest Flog ~

Oh Emmylou, you are the glue
That holds your family together
You gift your loved ones
Things they need
Like bags made from vegan leather

Oh Emmylou, you are the one
Whose rubbish bins have no lids
We know you hate
To clean and wash
As much as you hate your kids

Oh Emmylou, you dance so well
You’re bold and have no fear
We wish you’d danced
A bit to the left
And fallen straight off the pier

Oh Emmylou, we love your style
Your jeans with a cute crop
It lets us see your
Giant gut
That’s filled with oxtail slop

Oh Emmylou, we know you’re sad
Your business is quite effed
You’re alone and single
And miserable
Because… everybody left

Brad, you got mail

Braaaad!

I hope you have a slice of sugar free hummingbird cake with a side of bacon waiting for me because I can’t wait to tell you all about the food in America!

Ya girl snuck in to the pool at the Bellendgio hotel for a cheeky photoshoot. I had my litre of Diet Coke and $70 bagel. Just living my best life as I spend the kid’s inheritance. Your prices are very reasonable but I had to treat myself over here.

I brought some Nikes to go with the Povo cap I’ve been repping. Sagey won’t know himself when he sees my baller skills. Just not sure when I’m planning to see The Children again.

Thanks for teaching me everything I know to please a man. All your little tricks have worked. I never would have thought to squeeze lime on everything.

Babe3.0 is so so special and the old LouLou jar is getting a workout. He wanted me to cover up in case I got cold, so he lent me his footy T-shirt. I wanted to size down but it didn’t come any smaller than a quarterback. Super snug in the shoulders.

I went to visit Traitor Joes looking for some lemon myrtle biskits. It turns out they’d never heard of it even though it’s a Native American plant or some shit but they gave me a free packet because I’m famous!

You should open a brunch spot here. They don’t have capsicuns so I’ve had to eat bell peppers. I’ve learnt lots of Mexican words and I can’t wait to combine my Mexican heritage with my Zimbabwean roots. Porkay no loss dose?

See you soon

Emmylou x

Look, I’m transferring this thread suggestion over from #80 to #81, purely because it was a very late admission owing to the fact that I have been unable to tolerate her fuckery lately. But it works. It’s a summation. And once page 50 rolls around, she will still be a blob. Feeding her gob. Chasing Afro knob.

Emmylou Loves #81: The human blob with no job, food in her gob, chasing knob & having a sob.

My husband’s dad passed away overnight. I got two hours sleep after getting home from the hospital at 4am. I got up and made school lunches and got myself off to work. This afternoon I have to pick my youngest up as he returns from school camp and let him know his beloved grandfather passed while he was away. It’s going to suck so fucking much. I’m dog tired. But I’ve never once, for a second, considered crying into my phone and broadcasting my woes for some sympathy from strangers. I also don’t need to manifest love because my husband, kids, friends, colleagues and extended family already love me. It’s not something I need to search for or pray for or hassle people for, love is abundant because… well… I’m not a selfish cunt?

If she actually had any friends it would be so jarring for her to witness how well most other people are loved and cared about by the people in their lives.

Coming to a shitstreaming service near you

I don’t think these photos today had enough exposure on the last thread …. So don’t hate but here they are again.

This pic was taken January 2021, it’s so sad how she neglects her kids.

Taking major inspo from our very own @#Super Cute (I've missed having that name in my mother fuckin' mouth ), I will forthwith submit the following for the consideration of Sunday Life magazine.

Thread suggestion, inspired by @exflighty

Mask on her face, big disgrace, abandoning the children for a round the world dick chase

Hey Fezzas!!! Long time watcher but first time post! You guys are epic! So glad to be here!
It’s nearly been 12 months since I stopped swallowing the Amylou garbage but I did stay recently at BullaLou where Babe made an appearance! Thought you might like to see the guestbook!

The mirror behind.

I'm a long time reader of this absolute cluster fuck and I know it's early on in the thread but new title or not, can't resist putting this here.

She's off the hinge, on a baguette binge, having a whinge, about her stinky minge...

EL#50 she is the dancing queen, sloppy and obscene, dressed in neon green

This recrap is bought brought to you by the letter D

Thank you to all the artistic creatives who submitted the bewdiful artworks for our last thread. Just to be clear, this is an intern position so you’re only getting paid in exposure. It’ll be great for your resume. I may offer one of you a proper paid EA job… but your qualifications need to include either a daddy with an overseas resort or a young niece with a boyfriend.

How exciting was the Chemist Warehouse showcase? So so bewdiful. We noticed there was some spare room up the back. Hopefully it gets leased out to someone who does injectables or something. The Bondi Protein guy was genuinely impressed when EmmyLouoneword told him all about the time she was an instructor at the Top Gun academy.

Winter has set in. Time to mothball the midriffs. Namaste away from the family and have another holiday. EL gathered her best summer gear from her floordrobe and smooshed it in to a suitcase. There might even be time to reignite her career as a skydiving instructor.

Taking a well earned break from her studies as a paramedic, she found a few spare days up her sleeve, packed her dental floss and hopped on a Balinese plane to stay in a Balinese villa in some unknown country. Turns out the dental floss can double as underwear. Macgyver move right there. THERE’S A MASSIVE LIZARD!

On her first health retreat this week, ol’ mate asked for her vitamin C but the language barrier proved insurmountable. Ketut provided her plenty of nutritional drinks and a bewdiful dragon fruit bowl but no one could understand through the tears that when she was a buyer for a pharmacy, all the vitamin C came in a 190gm party bag. She looks so hot today. Like a sunrise. Rhonda was not happy.

There was a conspicuous lack of others on this retreat but we finally worked out why. We’re in the 23rd century and she’s Bruce Willis’ co star in The 5th Element. The plot line is something about defeating a cosmic evil force during an apocalyptic war. Explains all the vag baiting and crystals. Clearly Taurus is in Uranus at the moment.

At Udbud (pronounced “Oodbood”, same inflection as “ciao peppay”) she enjoyed a big bowl of broth with soup. Oh my goodness! Can’t wait to see that in the next cook book. So divine.

Normally a fan of autobiographies, our mate decided she just needed some fiction escapism to read by the pool to help remove her from the current headspace she’s in. Meanwhile the staff at Bookphobia high-fived themselves to sleep when they found just the book for Her.

We enjoyed the comfort of an Insta live. We all got a little shoutout and it was just divine to finally be acknowledged as one of the tribe. You saved our lives my Bintang Banana! Coz that’s what you do on an expensive recuperative trip. Hang with a bunch of strangers online, dodge the good questions and bore them to sleep. For those of us who stayed up long enough, we enjoyed an authentic mukbang experience. Reminds us of that time she was a welterweight boxer.

Now she’s found her voice, who knows what she’s been talking out of for the last decade.
On this cold winter night we’re all inspired suddenly to snuggle down and cook a pork roast. Weird. We were all vegan the other day.

Anyway ladies, you’ve all been asking in my DMs and I’m ready to deliver! Our first annual tribe holiday to Lake Locopomo is only 3 weeks away!! Just in time for school holidays. Please remember to pack your mammary macrame bikini, size down on any coats and fast track your passports.

Postcard incoming…

Dear The Children

Babe3.0 has been quite the gentleman. I’ve tried my best bum wiggle, but no. He insists on me sleeping on the couch and no hanky panky before marriage. He’s so special.

And so, so dedicated to his work. He’s been putting in so much overtime working like a mad dog. The last 3 nights he hasn’t got home before I’ve fallen asleep and he’s up and gone before I’m back from my walk. Such a shame because I was making sugar free turkey bacon for breakfast.

It’s been farcan hot here in the desert. I’m doing my best to wear as little as possible to keep cool. I seem to have misplaced my favourite g banger though. Either that or it got sucked up my vortex of doom when I went for a walk this morning. I’m gonna go in the spa by myself late at night and over eat at odd hours.

I had a look at the Grand Canyon. Babe3.0 took me to a bit where there were no barriers. He tried so hard to get the best pictures but when he asked me to keep stepping back further I almost fell in! I got some super cute pictures. He is such a good photographer.

Did you know they have gambling here in Vegas? There is so much cool shit and stuff. I saw my dinner crossing the road. Mama needs a steak! They call their petrol stations “gas stations” which is just beautiful. I wish the BP on Bay St did fried chicken.

Hey Vida I’m sorry. Lia accidentally packed her shorts in my suitcase. They such a vibe though. Say hi to Brad for me next time dad takes you out for breakfast. I got myself some new shoes. Make sure dad takes you to DFO if you want some too. I miss my slow cooker.

Love you guys. Peace out
Mum