TTC / Pregnancy after a loss

[Elisha97]

I always say to people you’ve absolutely no idea how awful and all consuming a miscarriage is until it happens to you. I always knew it would be bad because I’m quite a sensitive and emotional person.. but my god. I geneuinely feel like my life is in two parts and it’s before it happened, and after.

we have every right to grieve no matter what stage it was, a loss is a loss. It’s so much more than just grief as it really does warp all elements of your life and future.

I’ve no idea if this helps but I don’t think you mentally reach a place where you’re good with trying again. Early brings fears it will happen again but honestly so does later. I’ve tried specialised counselling and that’s not done much at all. We tried right away again because I realised mentally that not being pregnant for certain dates or occasions was going to be incredibly triggering, and I’d find the process hard no matter what so I wanted to dive right back in.

I’ve deleted my apps and all the nice things I was doing before (peanut app, nhs app) etc. I’ve just lost all joy because all I can see is a horrible ending and the pain when you have to go and delete it all. I hate it, but what can you do?

I can’t get excited, and if I find myself doing so then my brain stops me and warns me that I might jinx it somehow and it all could change in a blink of an eye. I feel a kind of way when people are positive and just take their pregnancies and milestones for granted - not that I’m not happy for them, but just jealousy that I can never be that way.

The only thing that helps me is I have a few friends where this has happened to them, they’ve had many losses between them and they just get it. I find everyone else too hard to speak to as people just don’t understand

 

[Elisha97]

My NHS treatment after my miscarriage was mostly shocking and I’ve still not been able to get help for MH issues even though it’s supposedly been expedited! I tried going private and they ghosted me for 6 months and the woman cancelled my session 3 times, did it over zoom in her front room, and kept mentioning her son knowing why I was there for the counselling

 

[RoseyThorney]

I feel like I’ve found my people in here as I felt like such a fraud posting in the other threads.

Period is due today, so we will see. We agreed that if we’re not successful this time around then we’ll take a year off from trying and just focus on our wedding.

I’m waiting on some blood results from a recurrent miscarriage specialist. Had to go via BUPA because my experience of the NHS has been abysmal throughout this whole journey.

 

[sushimama]

I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow and my MC happened at 6 weeks so I'm feeling really anxious today. I know there's zero chance to happen twice on the same exact day but I will still feel better once the mark is behind me. Good thing is I got a first dye stealer today and that eased my mind a little.

It's also a little sad looking back because the previous time my test lines were not getting darker and if it wasn't my first pregnancy maybe I would've known something was not right and it would prepare me for the outcome a little. Left was first pregnancy day 12dpo-26dpo and right is this one, day 10dpo-25dpo.

Only a week to go to the first ultrasound and I really really hope I will be able to see the heart.

 

[Pixie123]

Omg my anxiety is through the roof today. All the excitement from yesterday has worn off and now I am just filled with fear that this will have the same outcome as my last pregnancy.

I am so heartbroken for all of us who have to experience this journey following a loss. Feel like the shine is completely taken from it.

Debating whether to call my EPU as they said they would be monitoring me through the early stages following my MC last year. I'm nervous that they're going to tell me to wait though...

 

[Elltee]

Yeah I think they are generally just lacking empathy when dealing with situations like this, I know this is a routine for them and they see a lot worse every day so probably an early loss to them is just some generic occurrence, but it's hard to explain until you experience it yourself. I can't believe how much it affected me and I only knew I was pregnant for two weeks! Sometimes I feel bad because of my obsessing, like I don't have a right to be so upset so early (I know all feelings are valid but still feel a little silly at times).

Now I'm thinking if maybe we rushed into another cycle too fast, at first it was just an obsession to see a + again but now I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready. Especially because the first time it felt so "meant to be", it felt so right and exciting and this time I've been spotting for days, I hate my new due date (january) , the joy is gone - I just feel so detached from it. The moment I started spotting I deleted the pregnancy from my app lol, preparing for the worst.

Sorry to rant here, I told my friends about the loss but not about a new pregnancy yet. And it feels so lonely.

I could have written this myself, I felt the same when I had a MC. I was only about 5 weeks but I felt so silly being so upset because I hadn't even seen anything on a scan or anything, just lots and lots of positive pregnancy tests. I was reading about women who had losses 12+weeks and kept trying to tell myself I was "lucky". It's really hard.
I hope your pregnancy goes well, I don't think the stress and worry ever leaves you. It should be a happy time but it's so hard to get excited xx

 

[Facehugger]

Spoiler: Spoiler: pregnancy tests after a loss

hello ladies. I'm so sorry for all you have all been through. I wish you all well in your future journeys. I don't know if this is the right place to ask, please forgive me if not. My daughter in law will sadly lose her baby at 21 weeks tomorrow (tmfr) as baby won't survive. In case the medical professionals don't tell her, could anyone tell me if she needs to do pregnancy tests still afterwards until HCG is gone & they turn negative? They want to try again asap, bless them thanks for any advice from a very worried Nanny xx

 

[Keera]

Spoiler: Spoiler: pregnancy tests after a loss

hello ladies. I'm so sorry for all you have all been through. I wish you all well in your future journeys. I don't know if this is the right place to ask, please forgive me if not. My daughter in law will sadly lose her baby at 21 weeks tomorrow (tmfr) as baby won't survive. In case the medical professionals don't tell her, could anyone tell me if she needs to do pregnancy tests still afterwards until HCG is gone & they turn negative? They want to try again asap, bless them thanks for any advice from a very worried Nanny xx

im so sorry for your family

I think she may have to take tests afterwards (which will be at a predetermined time by her medical team) to make sure there are no pregnancy tissues left after the procedure. I’m not sure how long it will take before a negative test due to her stage of pregnancy. They should explain all of this to her and give her paperwork explaining this also tomorrow .

sending so much love

 

[RoseyThorney]

Had an early reassurance scan yesterday at 6weeks 5days. They confirmed the sac, yolk sac and fetal pole but still couldn’t see much. They’re putting me at around 6 weeks instead of closer to 7 weeks. Going in for another scan in two weeks time but so anxious this is going to turn out to be a missed miscarriage.

 

[Clickbait]

I had changed my mind and was going to try the digital test today but now I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Maybe I’ll see if the lines have changed from 2 days ago.
I had some blood mixed in discharge today, potentially old blood as wasn’t bright but I don’t know
I was starting to feel a bit positive about things and now I just feel like shit

I know I don’t know for sure yet but it’s just so shit. It’s unfair anyone has to go through one or even more than one loss, and then there are people out there that never have and wouldn’t understand.
---

Spoiler: Tests

View attachment 3007652

okay I went and did them all because I guess if it’s over already I won’t know for days/weeks yet anyway.
the strips are newest at top, then 48hours ago and then 12hours before that one.

I guess I don’t know what to think, I want to just accept for now I’m pregnant but it feels easier accepting that it’s probably all gonna come crashing down sooner or later

I know it’s easier said than done, but you must try not to fixate on all these tests. It’s not doing you any good - you’re getting anxious and stressed out.

Lots of people have some spotting in the early stages of pregnancy, it’s as common as it is not. I had fresh blood and then a haematoma where blood and clots were literally pumping out of me and my baby was still ok.

All you can do is take each day as it comes, take the multivitamins, eat well, rest up. Look to book in for an early scan - you can do this from 6 weeks but I’d say go closer to 7 if you can and that gives you leeway in case your dates aren’t completely accurate.

If you can’t wait that long there are private companies who will do pregnancy blood work so you can check the HCG levels are progressing.

After a loss it is so easy to let the anxiety take over, you’re hyper aware of every ache and twinge, wonder what they all mean, worry they’re bad signs when in fact aches, twinges, spotting is all normal in early pregnancy.

 

[Elltee]

Love this thread idea. I had a miscarriage about 5 weeks ago, think I ovulated around the 17/18th may so I'm now in the two week wait and symptom spotting like crazy! lol. Looking back at my symptoms for the last pregnancy, they're pretty similar so I'm hoping for this cycle
I've been reading about being more fertile after a MC (don't think it's been scientifically proven) so I think I'm pinning all hopes on that. Xx

 

[Facehugger]

Hello. Just joining this thread and couldn’t read this and not reply. I had a tfmr last year. I am UK based but we got a lot of support and information from the charity ARC (antenatal results and choices) from their telephone support and resources online. They aren’t just for the parents but anyone in the family who need support or more info. I am sure if you contacted them they would be able to give some information and maybe some contacts for the US. There are also some private FB groups that are really helpful. Or on Insta TFMR Mamas is a good starting point. Sending you and your family so much love and hugs.

Antenatal Results and Choices (ARC) – non-directive information and support before, during and after antenatal screening

www.arc-uk.org

Thank you so much, this is so helpful, I will look into that. And thank you for your good wishes. It's so hard being a Nanny, not the Mum having to deal with a loss, I just want to try and help my kids. Xx

 

[Elisha97]

Love this thread idea. I had a miscarriage about 5 weeks ago, think I ovulated around the 17/18th may so I'm now in the two week wait and symptom spotting like crazy! lol. Looking back at my symptoms for the last pregnancy, they're pretty similar so I'm hoping for this cycle
I've been reading about being more fertile after a MC (don't think it's been scientifically proven) so I think I'm pinning all hopes on that. Xx

I did so much research on this because I developed OCD from the loss and trauma and my compulsion was googling.

it’s not quite the case, it’s because after a loss people are usually really keen to try again so they’ll time better, have better habits, be armed with more information etc. there is evidence however that the outcome of falling pregnant after a loss is often improved 🩷

 

[anything at all]

I was sad that the NHS didn’t seem even a bit concerned or empathetic with my pregnancy after loss, mc at 4.5years ttc and then took another 4.5 until I got pregnant naturally again. I’d hoped they give me early scans or anything to reassure me, at least through the first trimester but the support is shit, they couldn’t see any reason to they said.

I hope other areas are better and if you need support you can get it somewhere. Not sure if you just have to push harder for it but I always felt like my concerns and anxiety’s were always ignored for my whole pregnancy.

I have a 16month old now so I try not to dwell on it too much but I do feel incredibly robbed of something that should’ve been so different.


We are ttc again and while I haven’t had a loss since having my son I still am quite scared if we do manage to get pregnant again whether it would stick or not

 

[Keera]

I found out I was pregnant yesterday at 11dpo, taken another test this morning at 12dpo, the test from yesterday evening and this morning don’t seem any different but I know that’s completely fine at this stage

In a way I feel stupid for testing so early - I just wanted to possibly surprise my partner for Father’s Day. And now we’ve been talking about all the ifs and the future and I want to talk about it but can’t help but feel like I don’t want to get excited yet because I know what could happen

It’s horrible to have experienced it before and just wonder constantly if things are normal, with my son I had no symptoms apart from heartburn at 5 or 6 weeks. I’m barely even 4 weeks yet and I’ve spent the last 2 days feeling really sick and have a killer of a headache. I know all pregnancy’s are different but it’s so hard to not worry isn’t it

My partner and I are unfortunately a lot more cautious this time around - it’s killing me watch my partner make a conscious effort to be more guarded

I’m 9w5d now and have had two normal scans but still terrified this will be taken away.

What’s helping get me through in a weird way is the amount of pregnant people, on the pregnancy thread here, on other forums, in real life who are untouched by loss or even if they are have gone on to have (sometimes multiple) “normal” pregnancy. This may not be what other people here want to read and I’m sorry if it offends but we are in the minority here so it’s not silly to hope and be positive that this time it will be okay .

And congratulations!!!! A lovely Father’s Day gift!

 

[anything at all]

I went to A+E but would say I felt like I just wasted their time! The urine pregnancy test they did there came back negative, not sure what sensitivity they used but the one I did at home yesterday was still positive. So maybe it’s just pretty much nearly out of my system now? They did open a referral to the epu who I can contact if I get any more symptoms so at least that’s something if I need it.

I was starting to feel okay but I feel like being told my test was negative has hit me hard.

 

[Keera]

I always see tik toks of people taking a pregnancy test, getting a positive and then immediately heading off to buy baby gros and hampers to make to tell the grandparents and I just can’t ever imagine being so carefree!
I already know when we start to tell people after 12 weeks () I’ll be dying to add a “but remember we have had losses before” it’s so hard to strike the balance between managing your expectations and protecting yourself but also enjoying and being excited for your pregnancy.

 

[Elisha97]

Had my midwife appointment today.. even though I’m pregnant, I found the new mums and babies and heavily pregnant women SO triggering, as well as having to explain my history. I feel really nervous now as well because I’m reaching the same gestation I miscarried at before. It was a missed miscarriage as well, so I’m really over analysing everything. I wish I could be chilled out and happy and focus on just being grateful

 

[sushimama]

it really is.

so they claimed they would see me more often and offer more scans.. that hasn’t really happened. I’ve had an NHS scan at 5.5 weeks and 7.5 and they claimed they’d scan me again at 10 but they’ve refused as they’re ‘happy’ with my progression! I’ve decided to go private instead

I had the exact same experience with rude nurses, just a slightly different situ. I had bleeding in this pregnancy, quite significant and it looked like it could have been ectopic. EPU wouldn’t scan me at first and insisted on doing hormones first. I KNEW I was at a certain point but they kept fobbing me off and saying they would have to check my levels first. They’re so dismissive of your situation. I get some people can get things wrong but there’s no need to be so rude. I’ve never heard that either- I have been told things that are not medically correct by the nurses so I would take no notice of her.

it’s awful how what should be the happiest time of your life is just filled with constant doubts and worries and the unknown. I always say I could cope better if I just knew how it would turn out. It’s the not knowing that sends me crazy

Yeah I think they are generally just lacking empathy when dealing with situations like this, I know this is a routine for them and they see a lot worse every day so probably an early loss to them is just some generic occurrence, but it's hard to explain until you experience it yourself. I can't believe how much it affected me and I only knew I was pregnant for two weeks! Sometimes I feel bad because of my obsessing, like I don't have a right to be so upset so early (I know all feelings are valid but still feel a little silly at times).

Now I'm thinking if maybe we rushed into another cycle too fast, at first it was just an obsession to see a + again but now I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready. Especially because the first time it felt so "meant to be", it felt so right and exciting and this time I've been spotting for days, I hate my new due date (january) , the joy is gone - I just feel so detached from it. The moment I started spotting I deleted the pregnancy from my app lol, preparing for the worst.

Sorry to rant here, I told my friends about the loss but not about a new pregnancy yet. And it feels so lonely.

 

[lauren96111]

Even having a healthy pregnancy inbetween my miscarriage and this one still makes it difficult to believe it could happen

I just really don’t want it to be like with my son where I didn’t like to get excited and have zero bump pics. I know we’re a long way off anyway, most don’t know they’re even pregnant at this stage

It’s so weird though as 2 years ago I was pregnant with my son and didn’t even know it yet. They have literally the same due date at this stage (he was moved forward at scans and then came 3 weeks early) hopefully we will have a February baby this time but imagine being lucky enough to not have fertility problems and actually plan in the year when you have your babies!!

if things continue okay I’m going to try book a early scan for 22nd July - when we first saw our son

getting ahead of myself already

Congratulations
I was like this with my first and I hadn’t had any losses yet! We went through fertility to get her and I just couldn’t get excited incase something went wrong. Think I only took two bump pictures and only believed I was pregnant when I was holding her
The second time around I didn’t have that anxious feeling yet we then had a loss so I know I’ll be a mess if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again
Booking private scans kept me going in my first pregnancy and just taking each day as it comes
Defiantly book that scan it’ll be something to look forward too for you x