Toxic friends

[Northern northener]

I had a friend who I met through the kids and all she ever did was nit pick at everything I was doing and even wearing. She would turn up at my home unannounced because her child was bored then criticize my home or question how I lived. She was often hypocritical too which wound me up. The weird thing was she was also very clingy with me which was really confusing considering she thought so little of me. I would catch her rolling her eyes at me when I would chat to people and couldn't fathom why she wanted to be around me. She ended up moving so I managed to get rid of her but I am still annoyed with myself for putting up with her. It was a relief when effed off.

 

[1001 others]

I’d pretend to be on the phone constantly

This is what I was going to suggest!

It is a tricky one ... I think you have to be honest and just 'grey rock' her (become so boring and unengaging that she finds someone else to annoy).

Clinger-'friends' are the worst. Many years ago I had a work acquaintance that decided we were like peas in a pod (her words) - we couldn't have been more different! She started shopping at the same clothing stores I did, wearing the same types of clothes and scarves (which seemed really personal because hardly anyone I knew wore them), copying my mannerisms ... ugh! When I returned from holiday, she didn't want a bar of me (she found a new victim)! Sometimes the universe does listen .

I now have a very annoying distant relative who lives nearby me, who I nearly always manage to bump into at the supermarket. As well as being up in everyone's business, she can talk the legs off a table - she's just one of those people. I have significant hearing loss and can't shop with a mask on as well as my hearing aids (so leave my hearing aids at home), so I have a fabulous excuse in that I throw up a few hand signals which she doesn't understand, and point to my ears. Win-win! (If I do have to engage with anyone I ask them to shout at me, and the lovely ladies at my local supermarket know me very well, so it's not a problem).

I do feel for anyone who has 'friends' like this ... I'm a bit of a target for them too and I don't find it easy to tell someone to bugger off.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

This is what I was going to suggest!

It is a tricky one ... I think you have to be honest and just 'grey rock' her (become so boring and unengaging that she finds someone else to annoy).

Clinger-'friends' are the worst. Many years ago I had a work acquaintance that decided we were like peas in a pod (her words) - we couldn't have been more different! She started shopping at the same clothing stores I did, wearing the same types of clothes and scarves (which seemed really personal because hardly anyone I knew wore them), copying my mannerisms ... ugh! When I returned from holiday, she didn't want a bar of me (she found a new victim)! Sometimes the universe does listen .

I now have a very annoying distant relative who lives nearby me, who I nearly always manage to bump into at the supermarket. As well as being up in everyone's business, she can talk the legs off a table - she's just one of those people. I have significant hearing loss and can't shop with a mask on as well as my hearing aids (so leave my hearing aids at home), so I have a fabulous excuse in that I throw up a few hand signals which she doesn't understand, and point to my ears. Win-win! (If I do have to engage with anyone I ask them to shout at me, and the lovely ladies at my local supermarket know me very well, so it's not a problem).

I do feel for anyone who has 'friends' like this ... I'm a bit of a target for them too and I don't find it easy to tell someone to bugger off.

'Target' is such an apt word for how I feel. Ive actually been thinking about why I attract this and it is definitely poor boundaries and how I dont like to offend people. 'Setting myself on fire to keep others warm' is the saying I think!

I haven't done the school run this week due to work, but will be tomorrow. I'm going to try and time it right so that there's not much waiting around but will definitely be saying that I want to stand alone with the kids if she comes along. I'll keep you all updated

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I had some toxic friends in my teens. We all fell out 4 years ago or so. Blocked me on social media, everything. They remained friends.

I have just seen them all for the first time. In a play gym of all places. One came over to say she wanted to say she hopes I don’t feel awkward and I introduced my child to her.

Didn’t speak to any of the others.

I feel all kinds of weird now. Feeling very lonely, although I know I am better without them and without a doubt they still hate me. We were friends for almost 20 years and had to pretend we didn’t even knoweach other when sat next to each other just then. Really odd. Got back to my car and had a panic attack.

 

[Lollyy]

I have a friend that only replies and wants to see me when I’m feeling low. If I am feeling good, she doesn’t want to know. She also constantly calls me skinny. I dunno why but I feel she is toxic. If I try to make plans she doesn’t want to & is busy, despite not having any friends herself. & only if she initiates plans, on her terms, or want me as a friends for her events (birthday, wedding etc) I feel like it’s getting me down.

 

[whisperchat]

@Rodneytrotter how's things? Is there any update? x

 

[Rodneytrotter]

@Rodneytrotter how's things? Is there any update? x

Yes, I've been arriving just as the door opens so that I'm not hanging about which is working. I'm also avoiding anything more than a 'hi' with other parents to avoid this happening again. I'm also researching boundaries as I believe it is my lack of boundaries which causes me to always end up in this situation x

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Just over a year ago exactly I posted this on this very thread

''I had to cut my ex best friend off and as hard as it still feels sometimes because I do miss bits of our friendship, I know it was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

she was such a toxic person, she had lost lots of friends over the years which speaks volumes really but she was my best friend so I was there for her. It would always be her way or no way, she was spoilt and Always kick off to get her way. It got so draining, for about a year before we stopped being Friends I felt just on constant egg shells round her, arguments all the time. Such a shame because we had so many laughs over the years but sometimes you just need to put yourself first ''

Yet here I am today, wondering should I write to her and reach out to here because its been nearly 4 years now.
Part of me doesn't want to out of fear of rejection or her laughing about me reaching out in the first place - to him, my narcistic ex, who manipulated her
(We were all friends but when me & him broke up, he told her lots of lies to make her fall out with me so that eventually i would go back to him. What hurts is she was my best friend for over 10yrs. She just didn't want to be in the middle but he would invite her out a lot and I would never go for obvious reasons which inevitably helped in us being pushed apart. She didn't see what he was doing)..
we have some mutual friends and I'm always anxious about bumping into her, i hate awkwardness. Like at my friends wedding this summer. I don't want to ask my friend either if she is going because at the end of the day its her wedding and I don't want her feeling like there could be drama etc, although I know they aren't that close, but it causes me some serious over thinking when it really shouldn't. I wish I could just be a bit more 'I don't give a tit' Kind of attitude. I might just need to pull of the plaster and stop worrying, what will be will be. I have avoided some friends b'days in the past out of not wanting to bump into her.
I can't ever see us being back to the closeness we were but I do miss her sometimes and would love to just clear the air.
She holds grudges and is a stubborn girl so I don't think even reaching out would make a difference, but I just don't know.
But on days like today when I'm feeling anxious and thinking about the past I would love to write her a letter or something.
I would love for us to just be able to say hi to one another if we saw one another.
I would love to see how life is going for her.
3.5/4yrs is a long time and people do change/grow up.
As much as we had some rubbish down times we did have some amazing times too in the 10yrs of friendship,
Then when I read back what I said a year ago, would I even want that kind of toxicity in my life, however I do feel I am a different person now.

Ultimately it is the fear of rejection and being laughed at that is stopping me. I don't want her to feel she has that power over me if I did reach out.

 

[Norfolking Good]

Your mental and physical health is the most important thing and you said yourself it was the best thing you ever did. Don’t go back, as in reality nothing will change and you end up feeling rubbish again. I’ve been there myself as you miss the friendship element but not the drama that goes with it and frankly is it worth it? Friendship is a two way thing, not some kind of balancing act where you are constantly worried about them taking offence or twisting what you say. You’ve lasted a year and that’s awesome! Onwards and upwards!
Maybe write a letter but then burn it and it can be a solid underlining of your decision. It’s gone up in flames and is no more.
I always think of the Mr Darcy quote whenever I waiver and it stops me: ‘my good opinion once lost, is lost forever.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Your mental and physical health is the most important thing and you said yourself it was the best thing you ever did. Don’t go back, as in reality nothing will change and you end up feeling rubbish again. I’ve been there myself as you miss the friendship element but not the drama that goes with it and frankly is it worth it? Friendship is a two way thing, not some kind of balancing act where you are constantly worried about them taking offence or twisting what you say. You’ve lasted a year and that’s awesome! Onwards and upwards!
Maybe write a letter but then burn it and it can be a solid underlining of your decision. It’s gone up in flames and is no more.
I always think of the Mr Darcy quote whenever I waiver and it stops me: ‘my good opinion once lost, is lost forever.

Thank you, its always nice to get someone else's advice.
No, I definitely don't miss the drama that went with it, and I know if she were to respond to me that I would be back at square one if ever we were to fall out again so why put myself through that.
It was horrible to constantly feel like I had done something wrong when in reality she just wasn't a very good friend.
I guess I just live in hope that everyone changes in time.
I have written a letter before, its in a drawer but I've never posted it nor burnt or ripped it up.

 

[Norfolking Good]

You’re welcome, it is like a bereavement when you lose a friend but when it starts to make you feel bad or question your own feelings then it’s not a friendship anymore.
Happens to us all sadly but it makes us stronger and hopefully you’ll not have to deal with it again!

 

[Epilogue]

Hi everyone,





I’m new here and I hope it’s ok to share my story.





Over the last few weeks I’ve come to the realisation that I have a toxic friend and that ending the friendship may be the best thing. We met last year after both moving to the same new city for university and we spent lots of time together, as both of us were a bit lonely and didn’t know many others. A few weeks in, I realised this wasn’t very healthy and put time and effort into building other friendships and getting a job. My friend has severe issues with anxiety and depression and their situation has deteriorated over the last few months. As someone who suffers from anxiety themselves, I fully appreciate how hard it can be and that it’s not simply a matter of ‘stop worrying’ or ‘calm down.’ However, my friend refused for months to do anything to improve their situation and always presents themselves as the victim. For example, they complain they have few friends but consistently ghosts people, turns up late and makes the whole conversation about their drama. In the last few months, their behaviour has taken a toll on my own mental health, as they are constantly surrounded by and creating drama, but assume no responsibility for it. Recently, I have distanced myself from them and one of the reasons I am now in therapy is because of their behaviour. I have also noticed that I feel happier and calmer when I don’t see them or have to worry about them. Over the last week, I have been self-isolating alone with Covid. They have reached out to me just once. They have spent the whole weekend with their new boyfriend, and on the one hand I am genuinely happy they’ve found someone they like, but also worry they have become co-dependent on them and neglect everything else to be with this person. Another mutual friend has also expressed this concern. I have spoken to our friend about their behaviour several times in recent months and asked them to be more communicative with us and to ensure they take better care of themselves, but they either change the subject or reel off a long list of excuses. Over the past few days, I have begun to realise how unhealthy this is. Whilst I don’t want to walk away from someone when they are vulnerable and struggling, they do not assume responsibility for their behaviour and it has a detrimental effect on myself and others. In the past, they have been extremely kind and caring towards me and I genuinely believe they are a good person, but their constant drama and negativity is also extremely draining, so I’m unsure if I want to or can maintain the friendship.

 

[Lico]

I've just blocked a friend from social media and phone and texts. I feel great! No regrets.

 

[Emiliabrazkow]

Hi everyone,





I’m new here and I hope it’s ok to share my story.





Over the last few weeks I’ve come to the realisation that I have a toxic friend and that ending the friendship may be the best thing. We met last year after both moving to the same new city for university and we spent lots of time together, as both of us were a bit lonely and didn’t know many others. A few weeks in, I realised this wasn’t very healthy and put time and effort into building other friendships and getting a job. My friend has severe issues with anxiety and depression and their situation has deteriorated over the last few months. As someone who suffers from anxiety themselves, I fully appreciate how hard it can be and that it’s not simply a matter of ‘stop worrying’ or ‘calm down.’ However, my friend refused for months to do anything to improve their situation and always presents themselves as the victim. For example, they complain they have few friends but consistently ghosts people, turns up late and makes the whole conversation about their drama. In the last few months, their behaviour has taken a toll on my own mental health, as they are constantly surrounded by and creating drama, but assume no responsibility for it. Recently, I have distanced myself from them and one of the reasons I am now in therapy is because of their behaviour. I have also noticed that I feel happier and calmer when I don’t see them or have to worry about them. Over the last week, I have been self-isolating alone with Covid. They have reached out to me just once. They have spent the whole weekend with their new boyfriend, and on the one hand I am genuinely happy they’ve found someone they like, but also worry they have become co-dependent on them and neglect everything else to be with this person. Another mutual friend has also expressed this concern. I have spoken to our friend about their behaviour several times in recent months and asked them to be more communicative with us and to ensure they take better care of themselves, but they either change the subject or reel off a long list of excuses. Over the past few days, I have begun to realise how unhealthy this is. Whilst I don’t want to walk away from someone when they are vulnerable and struggling, they do not assume responsibility for their behaviour and it has a detrimental effect on myself and others. In the past, they have been extremely kind and caring towards me and I genuinely believe they are a good person, but their constant drama and negativity is also extremely draining, so I’m unsure if I want to or can maintain the friendship.

I have to admit here that few years ago i was that friend, i cared so much about others but had anxiety and depression beacuse of my family situation and when someone became my friend i was sooo scared that they are going to leave me ( basically they are people that have that one favourite person and they wluld do everthing for them), so i was doing everything for them, and telling tell all sorts of stories to keep them intertained. Few of them were 'friends" with me even tho i knew that i was boring to them, non of them admited to me what was the problem, but one girl did. YES it does hurt when someone tells you all the negatives about you but after some time i realised that maybe it is me. I have so much friends know, less anxiety, depression still there but not bad as before. Now its not really just beacuse she told that and all of sudden i changed i also was gking to therapy. if it makes you fell down then you should somehow move from that friendship, or atleast keep it you know "cool", just small talks and that it. Its different for everybody, you know her way better then we do, but if she is putting you down you gotta cut it of its gonna be maybe tough for her, she is gonna get thru it. Didnt help you alot but didnt want to leave it unanswered

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I was going to start my own thread for this but figured this existed and it can go here, but it is quite lengthy.

Some users will have seen me post previously about a friendship circle I was having issues with. This was a few weeks ago and I’m really, really struggling to come to terms with it.

There were three of us. I introduced the other two to each other and they weren’t friends before I introduced them, so I was always the one who organised things etc. I introduced them as I was getting married and they were both my bridesmaids so I wanted them to be friends. All was well until about six months ago really. Friend 1 (who I have known the longest) just suddenly stopped liking anything I put on social media. We got married abroad (they ultimately weren’t part of the wedding due to covid) and she didn’t even like all my wedding photos. My hen do was cancelled and they didn’t make any effort for the “pretend” hen do that I had. It was crap. No photos were put online but a week later friend 1 went for drinks with other friends she barely knows and it was plastered all over social media. It made me feel crappy, like I’m not worthy or something. Maybe it’s me being paranoid, I don’t know. We had a group chat and when my husband and I went on honeymoon, it was around then that anything I said in this group chat, it just got ignored. But they would both speak amongst themselves but ignore me.

Constant little digs - I used to let my baby fall asleep on me and put him down in his cot. Friend 2 would drive her baby in the car every single night then transfer to bed. To me, that’s the strangest of the two methods. But friend 1 would question me in the group chat as to why I did it that way, but act like driving a baby to sleep was completely normal. I bought my wedding ring and sent a photo and got told it wasn’t nice and she preferred plain ones. Because hers is plain. I booked an outdoor meal in an igloo type tent for my babies first birthday and got told it was rubbish. I had my covid vaccine and got told she wouldn’t have it even if she was offered it.

Friend 1 hates her job. I love mine. She began a volunteer role but told friend 2 it was a paid role. She had already told me it was voluntary. Friend 2 suggested she quit her job now as she had another but she let her believe she had two jobs and two wages. I could have said something, but I didn’t.

I arranged to meet friend 1 one day and she stood me up. I had printed some interview papers for her especially. I rang her and she didn’t answer so I went back home. She told me it was too cold and she couldn’t wait any longer for me. I had arrived on time. A few days later she asked if she could collect the papers from me and I said I had binned them. “I would never do that to a friend” was her reply and she made a big deal in the group chat of friend 2 husband dropping them off for her instead. Whenever I asked to meet up with friend 1 she was always “so, so busy” or seeing other friends. She always made a point of how she was seeing so and so this week and how she had so many friends.

It was my birthday and we always, always buy cards and presents. This year I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. Two weeks later it was friend 1 birthday and she got a card and a present off friend 2. That really, really hurt me.

I asked friend 2 to meet up and she said we can’t because of covid. Yet a week later she met friend 1. They asked if we would all like to meet a week later and I said yes. Nothing got mentioned and I assumed it wasn’t happening. But low and behold that day, they had met and plastered it on social media. I had had enough so I asked why they had met and they said they didn’t think I was going. We haven’t spoke since.

I’m really struggling. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve been pushed aside and forgotten about. Since then, they tag each other in everything on Instagram. I know it’s for my benefit and to make me feel like tit but it’s working. I don’t want to be friends with people like this but it’s really damaged me. Friend 2 I met because our husbands were best friends since kids. Her husband hasn’t been in touch with mine for weeks now either. I have gone to bed for the past month and just cried. It’s effecting my relationship and I feel like I’ve been thrown back to high school as something very similar happened to me back then too. I never thought it would happen again in my 30’s. Friend 2 owns a business and I noticed she is now friends on Facebook with my hairdresser and commenting on her things. I honestly now want to cancel my appointment with my hairdresser. My husband says I’m being daft, but they’ve effected me in a way I didn’t think was possible to damage me so much. I don’t understand why somebody would want to hurt me so much and I don’t know what lies she is telling people as to why we don’t speak no more.

I have a couple of other friends but not loads. These were my “best” friends and I feel so hurt and destroyed.

Sorry it’s long and thanks if you’ve read it all. There’s probably loads more to add but I’d be here all night.

These girls now have requested to follow me on Instagram again. I messaged with a ? and had a reply to say they were talking about me and wanted to see if I was ok. What a set of mind game witches.

 

[MaryX82]

I was out with a new friend last week.Met in April.We were planning on doing a small business together.When we were out we bumped into someone who I don’t talk to.She knows him too but only because of me.She knows all the details and still went and spoke to him.After we got our drinks I asked her why she spoke to him and that i didn’t want her to and her answer was it’s not that deep.Im not sensitive but I don’t get why she had to speak to him.She left before me as I used the toilet and I told me he said bye to her and she answered.I have been a good friend to her in a short space of time lending money a few times,shoulder to cry on after her termination,messaging her during her bf drama and bday gift.I’m feeling a bit done with her tbh and do expect a bit of loyalty from friends.I have not messaged her since then other than asking her if she got home safe that night.I know I have to talk to her but I’m not sure it’s worth it

 

[Rodneytrotter]

These girls now have requested to follow me on Instagram again. I messaged with a ? and had a reply to say they were talking about me and wanted to see if I was ok. What a set of mind game witches.

You'd be better off ignoring them now xx

 

[Scottish Care Bear]

These girls now have requested to follow me on Instagram again. I messaged with a ? and had a reply to say they were talking about me and wanted to see if I was ok. What a set of mind game witches.

Hard as it is. Ignore them & don’t accept their instagram requests! They are only wanting to be nosey! Leave them to their silly childish games! They will need your friendship well before you need theirs!

Ive been in a very similar situation with so called best friends! Hard as it was & still is. l walked away from the friendship with my head held high! Had to for my own wellbeing!

 

[shadowcat5]

Hard as it is. Ignore them & don’t accept their instagram requests! They are only wanting to be nosey! Leave them to their silly childish games! They will need your friendship well before you need theirs!

Ive been in a very similar situation with so called best friends! Hard as it was & still is. l walked away from the friendship with my head held high! Had to for my own wellbeing!

This was my exact thought ^

They aren’t reaching out to make amends, they’re reaching out to nose at your profile and probably take the piss. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

I also had a similar situation. They weren’t friends, they were bullies in disguise of friendship. I blocked them all and never looked back. Best thing I ever did

 

[terriann]

I distanced myself from one of my close friends. I wouldn’t say she’s a narcissist but she’s very self absorbed. Like the original poster described, after a period of not speaking for a while, she would exclaim ‘I’ve got so much to tell you!’ And proceed to talk about herself for the next hour without asking how I am. Once I was beginning to tell her about my application to go back to uni, something big and important to me, and I couldn’t even get a word in because she interrupted me as I tried to tell her. She never invites me out with her friend group or cousins, but spends a long time telling me about their days out or plans to go places with them. I had a crush at work, turns out he’s in the same department as her, and after months of me mentioning seeing him in the canteen and her not saying anything she casually reveals he’s in her department and says jokingly ‘he’s my best friend.’ Like ???? You couldn’t have told me earlier? I think she is one of those people that would never want to see me doing better than her in life. She’s quite competitive which is opposite to me. This thread made me glad I cut her off.