Toxic friends

[Creep]

Does anyone have any experience with a friend like this? I'm beginning to think that my friend is quite toxic and I'm not sure what to do I'll write my story below

I've been friends with this person for about 2 years now, I think I made a thread here a while ago about it. But to sum it up, she is quite intense with messages and I just shrugged it off as wanting a friend.

These last 6 months have been rough. I found out that she made up a huge lie and stuck her oar in which almost destroyed my relationship. I caught her out yet she apologised but threw my partner under the bus at the same time. I never usually confront people but I did with her. I asked if she didn't mention the subject anymore because it's a sensitive subject anyway but she ignored that. Anyway, I gave her a second chance but requested time as what she did hurt me plus there were quite a few things happening in my life at the time and what she did was the final nail so to speak. She didn't give me the time despite asking in several ways, hounded me several times a day and even messaged my partner loads about it. I will admit, it made me dig my heels in a bit because I just felt like she wasn't respecting my decision.

She's always been quite a self centred person I guess. Again, shrugged it off because I was the person she spoke to about everything. I was ready to speak to her again, I put something like "Hey. Sorry I've not been around, there has been a lot going on" and straight away it was "I've got so much to tell you" and she went straight into talking about herself. Didn't even ask me once how I was, she never does. It took her a matter of hours, to mention the subject I asked her not to. It's something she did a lot of despite me asking her not to, it feels like she was almost goading me to react.

Everything feels like a competition with her and it always has done. I excused it at first because I know that people use their experiences to relate, as I do that too. But it's a case of if I've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife if that makes sense? It made me not want to say anything about myself, because saying something like "I've got a cold" I'll be told that she has "the worst flu ever" sort of thing. It's quite draining and I felt like I was constantly supporting her (which I happily do) but didn't get it back. I don't expect anything back at all but surely it goes two ways? She flies off the handle with me if I criticise her and turns it back on me and makes me feel guilty. I will be honest and say that I don't always handle things the best, so perhaps I didn't word it very well or something.

I've made the decision to cut her off. I've never cut a friend off before, friendships in the past would gradually fizzle out. I struggle with confrontation and social anxiety so this isn't easy for me and I'm constantly second guessing what I'm doing. So I'm not sure what to do. With the way she is, I don't think no contact would work. But straight up telling her would cause more issues too. I'm limiting contact at the moment while I figure out what to do but I don't even know if that is right anymore. I just feel suffocated really.

I don't know if the word "toxic" is too strong for her, I always just thought that she was lonely really.

Does anyone else have experience with a friend who is similar?

 

[Definitely Maybe]

@Creep Have a look on youtube at a video The Speakmans posted about a week ago ' 8 warning signs of a toxic person' It's only 2 minutes long and I think might help you. Must be hard for you to come to terms with cutting her off, but I think you've done the right thing.

 

[Creep]

@Creep Have a look on youtube at a video The Speakmans posted about a week ago ' 8 warning signs of a toxic person' It's only 2 minutes long and I think might help you. Must be hard for you to come to terms with cutting her off, but I think you've done the right thing.

I've just watched it and thank you for suggesting it. It really does ring true as definitely makes me feel certain with my decision. I just don't know how to do it now. Thanks for the reply also!

 

[Quiet Observer]

I completely ghosted a “friend” a year ago now at the beginning of the pandemic. She’d been on and off with me for years, changed friendship groups more than her underwear and mum shamed me so bad I’m sure she contributed to my PND. She made a comment about the pandemic and I just saw red. Every patronising comment and put down from over the years just came flooding back and I blocked her on everything. I can honestly say I do not regret it and I actually feel so much better without her in my life. I know that sounds mean but she never would have listened or respected my opinion or the way she was making me feel if I tried to talk it out with her. Leopards don’t change their spots.

 

[Creep]

I completely ghosted a “friend” a year ago now at the beginning of the pandemic. She’d been on and off with me for years, changed friendship groups more than her underwear and mum shamed me so bad I’m sure she contributed to my PND. She made a comment about the pandemic and I just saw red. Every patronising comment and put down from over the years just came flooding back and I blocked her on everything. I can honestly say I do not regret it and I actually feel so much better without her in my life. I know that sounds mean but she never would have listened or respected my opinion or the way she was making me feel if I tried to talk it out with her. Leopards don’t change their spots.

Oh my god, that's awful and I'm so sorry that you went through that. Mum shaming is awful let alone from someone who is supposed to be a "friend." You definitely did the right thing though.

I feel the same in that I don't think the friend will respect or listen to my side. It took me a lot of courage to do it before and it turned into a "woe is me" when she was the one in the wrong.

 

[Quiet Observer]

Oh my god, that's awful and I'm so sorry that you went through that. Mum shaming is awful let alone from someone who is supposed to be a "friend." You definitely did the right thing though.

I feel the same in that I don't think the friend will respect or listen to my side. It took me a lot of courage to do it before and it turned into a "woe is me" when she was the one in the wrong.

These people are literally the definition of narcissism! If you know you’d feel better without her then cut contact. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for looking after yourself and she sounds like she’s draining you xxx

 

[maytoseptember]

Bin this person off. Life is too short for frenemies.

I ghosted a long term friend (that sounds awful but I couldn’t cope with a showdown) when I had a sudden realisation that she hadn’t really said or done a nice thing to/for me for years. The final straw was when I was getting married and wanted to have a low key hen do (I am not a big night out person at all). Sent an email out to all of my closest friends about having a few cocktails, and she replied - to everyone, not just me - asking that no one drink any alcohol because she was newly pregnant. She also wrote an essay about how difficult it would be for her to attend because she wouldn’t be able to leave home until she’s put her elder child to bed

I told her it was OK, she didn’t need to come.

I was really blindsided that someone could be so selfish and try to make a hen do all about her. It was a real straw that broke the camel’s back moment.

 

[Creep]

These people are literally the definition of narcissism! If you know you’d feel better without her then cut contact. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for looking after yourself and she sounds like she’s draining you xxx

Completely! She's definitely draining me, almost like sucking the life out of me and it's making me stoop to her level with things and that's just not me at all xx

 

[Raininvain]

Just keep saying your too busy etc and dont reply to messages, she will soon get the message. No need to be getting worked up about it.
Why contact her again when you had stopped contact?
Perhaps work on yourself as well.
I'd advise anyone against telling a friend straight I don't want to be bothered with you anymore. I did that to a friend a few years ago who I just couldn't shake off. She spoke to me like dirt and kept turning up at my house. It all came to a head when she was calling me thick and useless for giving her the wrong directions by accident. She ended up attacking me in the street and I've had to get the Police onto her a couple of times now for harassment.
Just block her.XX

 

[Creep]

Bin this person off. Life is too short for frenemies.

I ghosted a long term friend (that sounds awful but I couldn’t cope with a showdown) when I had a sudden realisation that she hadn’t really said or done a nice thing to/for me for years. The final straw was when I was getting married and wanted to have a low key hen do (I am not a big night out person at all). Sent an email out to all of my closest friends about having a few cocktails, and she replied - to everyone, not just me - asking that no one drink any alcohol because she was newly pregnant. She also wrote an essay about how difficult it would be for her to attend because she wouldn’t be able to leave home until she’s put her elder child to bed

I told her it was OK, she didn’t need to come.

I was really blindsided that someone could be so selfish and try to make a hen do all about her. It was a real straw that broke the camel’s back moment.

I can see why people think that ghosting isn't a good idea but you really do need to put yourself first!

Oh wow, that's horrible that she made YOUR hen do all about her. You only wanted something lowkey anyway so it's not like you had a party weekend away planned!! Weddings really do bring out the worst in people and I have first hand experience of that I really don't get people sometimes!

Just keep saying your too busy etc and dont reply to messages, she will soon get the message. No need to be getting worked up about it.
Why contact her again when you had stopped contact?
Perhaps work on yourself as well.
I'd advise anyone against telling a friend straight I don't want to be bothered with you anymore. I did that to a friend a few years ago who I just couldn't shake off. She spoke to me like dirt and kept turning up at my house. It all came to a head when she was calling me thick and useless for giving her the wrong directions by accident. She ended up attacking me in the street and I've had to get the Police onto her a couple of times now for harassment.
Just block her.XX

I replied because I thought the whole "phasing out" would work to be honest! I'm a people pleaser by nature but I know I slipped up there by replying when I had done so well.

That's absolutely horrendous Sometimes you think you know a person so well and then when it comes to it, you really don't. I'm so sorry that happened to you xx

 

[Yorkshirewife]

I completely ghosted a “friend” a year ago now at the beginning of the pandemic. She’d been on and off with me for years, changed friendship groups more than her underwear and mum shamed me so bad I’m sure she contributed to my PND. She made a comment about the pandemic and I just saw red. Every patronising comment and put down from over the years just came flooding back and I blocked her on everything. I can honestly say I do not regret it and I actually feel so much better without her in my life. I know that sounds mean but she never would have listened or respected my opinion or the way she was making me feel if I tried to talk it out with her. Leopards don’t change their spots.

I did the exact same with an ex best friend. Sometimes you have to do what's best for your mental health and I don't regret it at all. Walking away from my school friendship group is the best decision I've made.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I had to cut my ex best friend off and as hard as it still feels sometimes because I do miss bits of our friendship, I know it was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

she was such a toxic person, she had lost lots of friends over the years which speaks volumes really but she was my best friend so I was there for her. It would always be her way or no way, she was spoilt and Always kick off to get her way. It got so draining, for about a year before we stopped being Friends I felt just on constant egg shells round her, arguments all the time. Such a shame because we had so many laughs over the years but sometimes you just need to put yourself first.

if this girl is making you feel crap on a daily basis and not respecting you, especially when you ask her not to mention something but she still does then just cut her off and you don’t owe her explanation at all, you are allowed to talk away from anyone and anything that threatens your mental health and drains your energy. Somedays you’ll miss the good times but then you’ll realise you’re better off away from such a toxic, draining “friend”ship... people like that aren’t your real friends. Don’t waste another second on her x

 

[justheretoread99]

Cutting off toxic people is so good for the soul. I’ve had a couple of toxic friendships in the past. I’m quite a shy person and a bit of a pushover which is probably why toxic people latched on to me when I was younger. Drama would just follow me being involved with them.

I don’t feel guilty for cutting them off at all. Or feel guilty for labelling them as toxic. My life is so much more calm without those type of people and I am genuinely happy with my none-toxic lovely friends.
Put yourself first! Especially if she’s made up lies and got involved with your relationship.

 

[Warpaint]

The fact that you made the long post shows they're really not a friend.

Today I contacted a friend who I've not spoken to for 4 months and told them about a festival I'm going to and if they're up for it. They booked tickets straight away and showed me the confirmation. Then we messaged for hours and it was the same as ever even after not talking for months on end.

When we meet up again it will be like we were just at the pub last week. A friendship doesn't need to be constant contact, its about meaningful contact, when you both have the time. It should be easy, no stress, no drama.

Don't put up with anything less.

 

[1001 others]

I'd be honest with her and say you feel your friendship has come to an end.

I tried to ghost someone once and they reported me missing to the police!

 

[Creep]

A bit of an update. I've tried ghosting again, but it doesn't seem to be working. She sent me a message saying that she is "getting upset, hurt and stressed" because she has seen me tag my mum in a post for mothers day I didn't even make a post myself, it was just a meme thing I saw on FB. She said in the message that she doesn't understand why I haven't replied to her yet have the time to post on fb. If I replied to her, it wouldn't be a quick conversation and then she'd let me get on. It'll be all about her, I don't even want to try to justify myself to her about why she saw me tag my mum in a post

It's making me see her in a different light as she's quite immature. She's a few years younger than me but I never noticed it before. I couldn't care less if people have other friends, if someone doesn't reply yet they like or comment on a post etc but she seems to

I'm not really sure where to go from here

 

[Raininvain]

Just tell her that you dont wish to be friends with her anymore, that you wish her well etc and then block her off everything. Job done.

 

[Definitely Maybe]

@Creep you could block her on fb, without unfriending her. Just a thought.

 

[Creep]

Just tell her that you dont wish to be friends with her anymore, that you wish her well etc and then block her off everything. Job done.

I'm perhaps trying to "let her down gently" but it doesn't seem to be working. I think I'm going to have to take a more direct approach now because who on earth gets stressed about a mothers day post!

@Creep you could block her on fb, without unfriending her. Just a thought.

I've restricted a few things on my fb and turned off active status which doesn't seem to be working either as she keeps messaging me. It's getting ridiculous now, I never hid this much when I left my abusive ex boyfriend

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm perhaps trying to "let her down gently" but it doesn't seem to be working. I think I'm going to have to take a more direct approach now because who on earth gets stressed about a mothers day post!


I've restricted a few things on my fb and turned off active status which doesn't seem to be working either as she keeps messaging me. It's getting ridiculous now, I never hid this much when I left my abusive ex boyfriend

Could you tell her that you're very sorry that your post to your mum upset her and that if you're honest you're finding the friendship claustrophobic and that you think it's best to end the friendship, wish her all the best and then ignore anything else that comes through.