To move on or to fight for this…?

[smirkingrevenge]

So 2020/21 kicked my ass hard.
Had to postpone wedding twice and in the end broke up with fiance. Moved to a new country, clean slate, fresh start. All good…

I didn’t want to get in a new relationship but in March (a month after previous break up) i met my boyfriend. He was the best men I ever been with. He ticks all the boxes, even the ones I didn’t even know existed on my “list”.
here is the issue: a guy I met before him has been causing a lot of drama. Boyfriend got dragged into it too but for the best part he has been a champ about it.
then one day, my former landlord told him a bunch of crap about me: plot twist: the guy who’s been stalking me did reach out to my landlord too. My landlord had my bf’s phone number etc so if he had anything real, he could have contacted him while I still lived in his apartment or immediately after I moved out. Not weeks down the line.
something in bf snapped. I guess it was the fact that now he is getting dragged into this and he has 0 control.
we haven’t spoken in over two weeks. The main reason is that he is visiting family and there is 0 privacy and I said I don’t want to have serious conversations in texts and I’ll leave him be while he is with family.
in a day we will be in the same city again. And I want to talk to him. Sit down and talk things out like adults. I know he hasn’t moved on, I know he loves me, I know he is hurting too. How do I convince an extremely stubborn but very loving man, that we should at least have a conversation about what happened? I tried to just let it go and get on with my life and as days go by it’s just getting worse and worse.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

If he wants to believe a stranger over what he’s seen of you himself then is he even worth it? The weeks of silence would be unacceptable for me and stubbornness to that degree would be an absolute no and just the tip of the iceberg. Do you want a man that’s too stubborn to deal with anything?

Ps. You can’t convince stubborn people, the more you try the more they dig their heals in and you’ll spend your life trying to please them. Leave him to contact you.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

So you met your boyfriend in March - 5 months ago? 4 weeks after your relationship with your fiancé ended? And in that time there was also another guy on the scene who is now causing trouble between the two of you and somehow your landlord is involved?

that’s an awful lot of drama going on. No wonder your boyfriend is taking a step back.

honestly it all just sounds like far too much too soon. There’s no way you are over your fiancé - it’s only been a few months, you need time and space to figure out where you are now and get back to ground zero in your own life.

I can’t understand why your landlord would have your boyfriends number? What’s the connection there? And how does your landlord know this other chap who’s been causing hassle? What kind of stuff is being said?

im not sure I understand why your boyfriend can’t talk to you on the phone while he’s staying with family. I’m sure he can go somewhere private to make a call or go out for a walk or to a coffee shop etc? That sounds very odd to me.

You Can’t convince him to do anything- if you’ve contacted him/told him how you feel/that you want to talk etc and he’s not interested and is saying no - then that’s it. Pestering him and trying to force it won’t help.

take A huge step back. Leave him alone for a bit, let him have some time. If it’s meant to be, if he’s really in love with you etc he will reach out but if he doesn’t or if he’s telling you it’s over and he’s done then you have to listen to that and just accept that whatever it was, it’s finished.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

So you met your boyfriend in March - 5 months ago? 4 weeks after your relationship with your fiancé ended? And in that time there was also another guy on the scene who is now causing trouble between the two of you and somehow your landlord is involved?

that’s an awful lot of drama going on. No wonder your boyfriend is taking a step back.

honestly it all just sounds like far too much too soon. There’s no way you are over your fiancé - it’s only been a few months, you need time and space to figure out where you are now and get back to ground zero in your own life.

I can’t understand why your landlord would have your boyfriends number? What’s the connection there? And how does your landlord know this other chap who’s been causing hassle? What kind of stuff is being said?

im not sure I understand why your boyfriend can’t talk to you on the phone while he’s staying with family. I’m sure he can go somewhere private to make a call or go out for a walk or to a coffee shop etc? That sounds very odd to me.

You Can’t convince him to do anything- if you’ve contacted him/told him how you feel/that you want to talk etc and he’s not interested and is saying no - then that’s it. Pestering him and trying to force it won’t help.

take A huge step back. Leave him alone for a bit, let him have some time. If it’s meant to be, if he’s really in love with you etc he will reach out but if he doesn’t or if he’s telling you it’s over and he’s done then you have to listen to that and just accept that whatever it was, it’s finished.

He’s had two weeks. If he doesn’t get home and call within 24-48 hours I’d consider it over.

 

[smirkingrevenge]

So you met your boyfriend in March - 5 months ago? 4 weeks after your relationship with your fiancé ended? And in that time there was also another guy on the scene who is now causing trouble between the two of you and somehow your landlord is involved?

that’s an awful lot of drama going on. No wonder your boyfriend is taking a step back.

honestly it all just sounds like far too much too soon. There’s no way you are over your fiancé - it’s only been a few months, you need time and space to figure out where you are now and get back to ground zero in your own life.

I can’t understand why your landlord would have your boyfriends number? What’s the connection there? And how does your landlord know this other chap who’s been causing hassle? What kind of stuff is being said?

im not sure I understand why your boyfriend can’t talk to you on the phone while he’s staying with family. I’m sure he can go somewhere private to make a call or go out for a walk or to a coffee shop etc? That sounds very odd to me.

You Can’t convince him to do anything- if you’ve contacted him/told him how you feel/that you want to talk etc and he’s not interested and is saying no - then that’s it. Pestering him and trying to force it won’t help.

take A huge step back. Leave him alone for a bit, let him have some time. If it’s meant to be, if he’s really in love with you etc he will reach out but if he doesn’t or if he’s telling you it’s over and he’s done then you have to listen to that and just accept that whatever it was, it’s finished.

That previous relationship was long over before we actually really ended it. I got over it while we were still together.
the other guy I met 3 times. And he is just batshit crazy. He got obsessive before we even met and I only realised when I looked back over everything that happened.
he figured out where I lived, contacted my landlord, told him things like we are about to get married, build a house together, he bought me a car and so on. Just insane things.

it took some effort but I figured out that he’s been paying my landlord for info about me. Who I am with etc. My landlord knew my bf through mutual friends they figured out they had. Basically landlord told my bf everything the other guy told him but presented it as if it was all facts and as if he knew about it all. Bf knows there was physically no way for me to cheat or anything so that’s not the issue.

he is visiting his elderly father in a pretty remote place. No proper phone signal and his brother and his gf are there too so he doesn’t really have any privacy. I know this is all true because he visited before and talking was an issue because texts wouldn’t go through and Calls would get disconnected. With other people being around constantly and this its not ideal. Hes been there for a week. For a week prior to this he worked 14 hour days. I know because i saw his schedule before tit hit the fan, we booked and planned travel together so its not like he is bullshitting.
I feel like i can’t just walk away. I tried. I didn’t contact him for a week now at all. And its driving me insane.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

That previous relationship was long over before we actually really ended it. I got over it while we were still together.
the other guy I met 3 times. And he is just batshit crazy. He got obsessive before we even met and I only realised when I looked back over everything that happened.
he figured out where I lived, contacted my landlord, told him things like we are about to get married, build a house together, he bought me a car and so on. Just insane things.

it took some effort but I figured out that he’s been paying my landlord for info about me. Who I am with etc. My landlord knew my bf through mutual friends they figured out they had. Basically landlord told my bf everything the other guy told him but presented it as if it was all facts and as if he knew about it all. Bf knows there was physically no way for me to cheat or anything so that’s not the issue.

he is visiting his elderly father in a pretty remote place. No proper phone signal and his brother and his gf are there too so he doesn’t really have any privacy. I know this is all true because he visited before and talking was an issue because texts wouldn’t go through and Calls would get disconnected. With other people being around constantly and this its not ideal. Hes been there for a week. For a week prior to this he worked 14 hour days. I know because i saw his schedule before tit hit the fan, we booked and planned travel together so its not like he is bullshitting.
I feel like i can’t just walk away. I tried. I didn’t contact him for a week now at all. And its driving me insane.

If what you are saying about your landlord and this other guy is all true then frankly you should be going to the police. That would be my main concern.


you can’t force someone to talk to you and you can’t force someone to be with you. If he’s telling you it’s over or if he won’t talk to you then it’s over. You have to let it go.

 

[smirkingrevenge]

He’s had two weeks. If he doesn’t get home and call within 24-48 hours I’d consider it over.

He isn’t coming home yet. I’m going to the same city he is travelling to tomorrow.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

He isn’t coming home yet. I’m going to the same city he is travelling to tomorrow.

Why are you going there? Is it just to try to see him?

 

[smirkingrevenge]

Why are you going there? Is it just to try to see him?

No. I have some other things to do…
The main reason why I’m not sure he is over it is that he booked my flights too. And he didn’t cancel them. He did say we will talk too and he did say the week before he left that he just doesn’t have the time. Which was true. The plan was always for him to go a week before me and for us to spend the weekend together afterwards.

If what you are saying about your landlord and this other guy is all true then frankly you should be going to the police. That would be my main concern.


you can’t force someone to talk to you and you can’t force someone to be with you. If he’s telling you it’s over or if he won’t talk to you then it’s over. You have to let it go.

Been there done that, as long as he doesn’t physically hurt me or causes damage to property, they won’t do anything.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

He isn’t coming home yet. I’m going to the same city he is travelling to tomorrow.

Does he know? Will you text him?

 

[smirkingrevenge]

Does he know? Will you text him?

He booked my flights so he knows when my flights are. I want to text him and get the message across that I just want to talk. Like literally just see where we’re both at and then decide what we do, whether together or not.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

He booked my flights so he knows when my flights are. I want to text him and get the message across that I just want to talk. Like literally just see where we’re both at and then decide what we do, whether together or not.

So text him. Say exactly that. If he says he doesnt want to see you or if he doesn’t reply then you have your answer.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

He booked my flights so he knows when my flights are. I want to text him and get the message across that I just want to talk. Like literally just see where we’re both at and then decide what we do, whether together or not.

So text him. Say exactly that. If he says he doesnt want to see you or if he doesn’t reply then you have your answer.

Yep, I’d text him too.

 

[smirkingrevenge]

Ok so I wrote this in a note on my phone. And yes this is how desperate and lost I am right now. I acknowledge the possibility of not getting back together and I’m not asking him to stay with me or anything, I’m asking for “some time”. I think it’s reasonable enough.

I sat on my hands for a week now and I just can’t anymore. The past 2.5 weeks literally broke me. I don’t want to send you another big essay, I said everything there was to be said and I want to move on to getting things done.

You said you’ll talk to me when things are sorted. Things are sorted… please spend some time with me this weekend so we can try and work things out at least to some extent. I just want to start with talking things out. And then decide what we do, whether it’s together or not.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Ok so I wrote this in a note on my phone. And yes this is how desperate and lost I am right now. I acknowledge the possibility of not getting back together and I’m not asking him to stay with me or anything, I’m asking for “some time”. I think it’s reasonable enough.

I sat on my hands for a week now and I just can’t anymore. The past 2.5 weeks literally broke me. I don’t want to send you another big essay, I said everything there was to be said and I want to move on to getting things done.

You said you’ll talk to me when things are sorted. Things are sorted… please spend some time with me this weekend so we can try and work things out at least to some extent. I just want to start with talking things out. And then decide what we do, whether it’s together or not.

Send it. He’s either going to say yes, say no or not respond.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Ok so I wrote this in a note on my phone. And yes this is how desperate and lost I am right now. I acknowledge the possibility of not getting back together and I’m not asking him to stay with me or anything, I’m asking for “some time”. I think it’s reasonable enough.

I sat on my hands for a week now and I just can’t anymore. The past 2.5 weeks literally broke me. I don’t want to send you another big essay, I said everything there was to be said and I want to move on to getting things done.

You said you’ll talk to me when things are sorted. Things are sorted… please spend some time with me this weekend so we can try and work things out at least to some extent. I just want to start with talking things out. And then decide what we do, whether it’s together or not.

Don’t send this.
Pop up saying hello, tell him you hope he’s had a good time with his family and then say you will be at X location if he would like to meet.

It’s way too full on for a stubborn man, you’ve got to be chilled. I think he would take one look at it and ignore.

 

[smirkingrevenge]

Don’t send this.
Pop up saying hello, tell him you hope he’s had a good time with his family and then say you will be at X location if he would like to meet.

It’s way too full on for a stubborn man, you’ve got to be chilled. I think he would take one look at it and ignore.

Ok. Good insight.
one of our issues though was me not being open enough. That’s a whole different story and all that. Anyway…. i don’t want to set a meeting and a time and place. I want to leave it open.
so maybe something like “hey, hope you had a good week visiting your father and catching up with your brother. I’m flying tomorrow and I’d like for us to find some time this weekend to just sit down and talk things out.”

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Ok. Good insight.
one of our issues though was me not being open enough. That’s a whole different story and all that. Anyway…. i don’t want to set a meeting and a time and place. I want to leave it open.
so maybe something like “hey, hope you had a good week visiting your father and catching up with your brother. I’m flying tomorrow and I’d like for us to find some time this weekend to just sit down and talk things out.”

That’s the kind of thing I meant.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Ok. Good insight.
one of our issues though was me not being open enough. That’s a whole different story and all that. Anyway…. i don’t want to set a meeting and a time and place. I want to leave it open.
so maybe something like “hey, hope you had a good week visiting your father and catching up with your brother. I’m flying tomorrow and I’d like for us to find some time this weekend to just sit down and talk things out.”

for a guy you’ve only known for 5 months there seems to be a whole lot of issues/problems/over thinking going on….. sometimes you just have to acknowledge that if it’s much drama, this much effort, this much stress etc at 5 months in when things really should still be fun, easy, chilled, still getting to know eachother etc… it’s probably not meant to be yknow. It shouldn’t be this hard.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

If this other guy has been paying your landlord for information about you and you can provide some kind of proof, surely that's a breach of his duties as a landlord? Where I live there's a stipulation in every rental agreement that the tenant has a right to privacy. I know this doesn't answer your boyfriend question but this is very odd behaviour, taking money from someone for information about someone else, especially a female.