“The other women”

[justheretoread99]

Ok NOW I’M FUCKING OFFENDED
Id prefer to be reported for having a different opinion or be kinder and call me trash…

Noooo. Genuine apologetic hereHahahahaha maybe Loose Women was a bit of a stretch

 

[sailorcherries]

Indeed. Its just as shame that the non-monogamous folks don't keep their antics between themselves with other like-minded souls rather than involve others who do not wish to join in their fun & games; It only ever ends in pain and anguish for somebody

Agreed.
I do think that, for some of those people who do cheat, it is because monogamy is pushed as the only lifestyle option and anything else isn't/wasn't widely spoken about and when it was it was viewed as so wrong (including, but not limited to, open relationships or polygamy).

I am not excusing behaviour but those people who seem genuinely remorseful at hurting someone else may fit in to those categories.

A slightly similar parallel to people entering in to heterosexual relationships because of the hetronormative message society pushes out. It is definitely not the same but I can draw similarities between them.

 

[standupsitdown]

I was the other woman inadvertently when I was about 17 - I was vulnerable for various reasons and the guy I babysat for totally took advantage of me. He and his wife would return home after an evening out, I’d leave to walk to my home and he’d leave his wife sat there and come running after me! This continued at the stables where we both kept horses, he was always catching me on my own and I went along with it. In the end my friends father intervened.

Then many years later my mother was having an extension built on a new house and I was decorating the main house. So I ended up spending a lot of time with the builder who told us he was married, but his marriage was over and he was moving out etc etc etc. So we ended up having a pretty torrid affair, I’d leave my door unlocked in the morning and he’d come round before work etc. By then I pretty much knew he was very much still married but the sex was so good I turned a blind eye and figured it was his bad, not mine. I’m not sure what I was (wasn’t?) thinking but still feel bad to this day.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Not a fan of the writer Rosie Green (writes about dating after divorce for the Mail on Sunday) however the anonymous stories shared on her website about cheating are compelling: https://www.lifesrosie.co.uk/your-story/

 

[monga]

He can and does whatever he likes in the full knowledge that all she'll do is clear off on another holiday with the kids, take off her ring for a week or two, he'll buy her some designer handbag or nicknacks and it'll be all OK again. That oaf learns nothing from these episodes because she just reverts back for a quiet life for her and the children little knowing the effects on THEM as boys who will think its perfectly OK to behave like Daddy does since Mummy doesn't mind being made to look a bloody fool when Daddy is drunk again, draped across some bint in a club snogging her face off. Coleen could do so much better for herself and yet there she is tolerating every darned thing he does to her whether that be because of strong Family Values, her thinking its Best For The Children to have both parents together or simply that she loves him so much she's prepared to put up with his shit, for better or worse Its no wonder she never smiles any more

She's probably clinging on to the hope she can change him ,and he'll be telling her last time was the ' last time ' but the new handbag's not cutting it anymore and like you say the kids are seeing dad walking all over mum, she can hide it when they're younger but her eldest boy is old enough to read and understand what's going on he'll either resent him or like his mum turn a blind eye and maybe go on to do the same in his own relationship. I'd doubt he'd even care if she left him now he'd party hard ,it's not until his later years he'd see the damage when he's sat there alone feeling sorry for himself with the latest 20yr old bint taking him for all he's worth ,only then he'd truly appreciate what genuine feelings are instead of throwing them in her face.

 

[Oohthedrama]

People who have been the other woman reading this thread not wanting to be called trash

well obviously they don’t want a mirror held up to them, nobody does when deep down they know what they’ve done is wrong and trashy.

(not including anyone who’s been lied to and led to believe the man is single, just the women who know what they’re getting into and still do it)

 

[Oohthedrama]

So essentially you can’t share your opinion without being accused of being ‘the other women’ at one point in your life. Honestly what’s the point in a thread like this. It’s coming across as we must bash ‘the other women’ and if you don’t agree you must be the other women.

“I might be wrong” “I always assume”
the first sentence of my post.
this is, I will say again, my opinion, i have had a brilliant conversation with @justheretoread99 and openly encourage and enjoy debates like this. We CLEARLY disagree but still remain friendly.

however, not posts like this.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I think its cos my opinion of men is so low, i couldnt stand to give a bloke a sense of satisfaction of cheating through me

There are situations where you could understanding the reasons for why some end up getting involved - like the poster above who was bereaved. It still doesnt excuse it, imo, but I can understand getting caught up in the moment with it. Or with the men that manipulate others, love bomb etc.

 

[Loubywoobywoo]

I know of a couple of people who have unwittingly been the other woman, they broke it off as soon as they found out the guy was married or in a long-term relationship with someone.
I think that if he’ll cheat with you, he will probably cheat on you, if he does eventually leave his wife/partner.
I try to pay attention to wedding rings ( or tan lines where a ring should be on that finger!), but once got chatting to a guy at my local, where there is a weekly pub quiz. He bought me a drink, we were getting on well, and he had several opportunities to mention his wife. He was on business in France and from the UK, so I asked him where he was from, what he did for a living and a few other things. There were at least two, if not three occasions he could have brought up his wife: ‘I live in X city/town, where my wife grew up‘ ‘I work in Y industry, so does my wife’, but he didn’t, so I amped up the flirting and then he mentioned his wife! Felt very dodgy to me anyway and I felt dirty/gross for flirting with someone married!

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I'm not condoning in any way that a man might use that as an excuse, just playing devils advocate and pointing out that the married party can sometimes manipulate the "other woman".

Oh I know, they can definitely manipulate and sweet talk!

 

[monga]

I do see what you're saying, but then again doesn't this come down to what story the man has given? If a man has told the "other woman" that things at home aren't great, they're not sharing a bed, not having sex etc etc etc (whether it be true or not) then the other woman is likely to think that the relationship is over anyway. I don't think it's always as black and white as things seem and the married party could be manipulating the situation to make the other person think that what they're doing isn't going to cause much hurt..

I'm more talking about the women that set out to catch the married man just for the buzz of it ,or course nobody knows what shite he could spill about his relationship with his wife that's why I said he's disrespecting both of them ( by playing both of them ) the old saying was once a man takes a mistress her spot is then vacant ready to filled by the next in line ,some women hang on to the fact they'll steal him away from his wife but I think it's more to do with the buzz and excitement he gets by his secret life not that he's trying to build the same life that's he's already bored of,because then the mistress just becomes the wife .

 

[monga]

Good point! I think you’re right, a lot of people maybe have a fling which is just physical, but once the emotions become involved it takes on a new meaning. (Not saying that having a fling isn’t just as destructive to a relationship).
My life was ruined as I ended up being physically & sexually abused (see my post further up the thread). His wife was remarried within a year, he got off Scot-free & I ended up in hospital & still suffer physical & psychological effects to this day. I definitely got my karma!
Oh also, I agree about Coleen Rooney. I really wish she’d left him the first time & I agree, she would get plenty of money in a divorce settlement, I think she genuinely loves him. But how can they have any mutual respect any more?

I'm sorry you've had so much suffering x ...Karma maybe but that's how emotions affect a person ,my own brother is one of those men. I've cut him off for not only that but a lot of other things ,I also have very close friends on both sides of the fence ,one the other woman and one the doormat and neither have ended up in a good place ,emotionally / physically ,a lot of drink and drugs , MH problems/ low self esteem ,it's strange they've basically ended up the same even though one valued her longterm relationship enough to have children while the other didn't see anything wrong with sleeping with anothers man, until she unintentially got pregnant and he didn't want to know his daughter ...You've obviously learned from your mistake you can't beat yourself up forever .......I don't think Wayne respects her at all ,he just takes her for granted. I'd doubt she'll ever leave him but she must be broken inside

 

[Thorongil]

A monogamous marriage is ultimately a contract to each other. No, you don't "own" each other, but you've entered into a marriage on the expectation that you'll be faithful to one another. Of course someone is going to make a big deal if a commitment like that is broken. Someone cheating or having an afffair is clearly unhappy with some aspect of their marriage.

As with everything in life though, it needs nuance. Someone who has a kisses a colleague on a drunken night out isn't in the same box as someone who goes out of their way to have an affair for years. But at the same time, someone cheating or having an affair is never truly a mistake - a mistake is when you leave your dinner in the oven for too long! I think it's more poor judgement than anytihng else.

I totally agree.

And I agree that it is understandable that it would cause upset. What I don’t get is the degree of the upset, how it makes the other person or persons scum or vile or whatever.

 

[Notworthy]

I never buy that bit especially when it’s just sex and not a financial arrangement. You were getting all you were ever going to get because they’re having their cake and eating it.

Not sure what the relevance of a financial arrangement is. We had a great sex life and that's all either of us wanted. I can't actually remember having a conversation with him. Both of us were happy with our arrangement.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

If you read back the earlier pages of this thread it was stated and agreed not to pass judgement. Not trying to moderate here but why can’t people share their anonymous experiences without judgement

I asked a question, without judgment, to see her side of things?

Its pretty standard to think its a shitty thing to do - that was in answer to your question as to why I thought she could/would/should feel bad for the partner. I also said on earlier posts that I ended up being the other woman twice, I just didnt know it at the time. Forum is there for all to interact

 

[Apple In My Pie]

Question - if I, as a woman in a relationship go out and sleep or have an affair with a single man, is that man my ‘enabler.’ Does the single man owe my fella decency and respect? Is he trash? Or is he just a man who wanted sex and that’s less horrifying then a women doing the same thing?

Just wondering if these views are directed at both genders or women only?

I think so yeah

 

[MensaBarbie1985]

Vent away my love - you have every right to! This bloke is the worst of the worst but madam will find that out for herself soon enough

She's only messaging you because she feels guilty and wants to try to ease that guilt by sending you pathetic excuses, but be assured he will hurt HER just as he has left broken wreckage in his path so many times before and he will continue to do so until someone does it to HIM, when he's the one left behind shattered to pieces by betrayal and lies. When that day comes you can look back and smile because you escaped him

I absolutely can't wait for it to happen to her... he seems to get bored after about six months so her days are numbered. She knows how I feel about her and has been posting stuff about me online (naming me) talking about 'be kind' - she doesn't seem to realise that not everyone deserves my kindness! We have friends in common who have actually stopped speaking to her because they've warned her about him and she gets all defensive and refuses to listen

His ex wife contacted me after we split to tell me the real story about what happened when they were together - including pictures of her bruises after he kicked her down the stairs in front of their children (the new girl has 3 young kids) - I forwarded them all to the new girl but she still wouldn't believe me. It hasn't helped that apparently the ex wife contacted her and said it was all lies and I'd practically forced her to say those things - not sure how I'm able to manipulate what people send me but it shows what a hold he still has over her when he's told her to contact new girl and say she'd lied... I know friends of hers who were there through the entire thing so I know it's the truth!

 

[Oohthedrama]

without jumping into bed with each other.

because…… he didn’t want to cheat on his wife?

 

[Be creative]

Have you ever been the other woman? Traditionally she is the “evil one”, but not all stories are as black and white as that.
Whats your experience if you have?

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I was (I thought) ‘in love’ with him. In reality it was infatuation, and I had the unrealistic fantasy of us both leaving our partners and running away together into the sunset


It broke up my marriage. His survived, then, as his wife didn’t find out about me. He subsequently went on to have another affair and that was what ended his marriage

Oh no, but you said you only had an emotional affair?
Why did your marriage break up and why didn't he "run away" with you, especially if he then had another affair? Seems unfair.
How did your ex-husband find out?

Sorry for asking so many questions, I could kind of see myself in this situation (an emotional affair). Pls don't answer if I am being too nosey.