“The other women”

[Giggling Squid]

I’ve been the other woman, twice, and both times I had no idea at the time.

the first time, my uni boyfriend used to go home at the weekend to work on a Saturday. Turned out he had a uni girlfriend and home girlfriend. I’m not sure this entirely counts as being the “other” woman as there was neither of us, then both of us… the home girlfriend became an ex pretty quickly when she arrived to surprise him one morning when he had a day of work. She was more surprised than he was……..

We ended up dating on and off the rest of uni, I met his home friends etc, and he left his home job (but it was term time only thing because I didn’t trust him ) made sense at the time, looking back I’m an idiot.

Second time, I had absolutely no idea, and still to this day am not entirely sure but something was definitely off. Not going into details but it wasn’t that serious, and as soon as I started to have suspicions, I broke it off. He disappeared, so I’m fairly sure I was right but no proof.

 

[adult human female]

Again though, every situation is different. So whilst there are of course some who are destructive, a lot of people catch genuine feelings for these men and are possibly sold a dream. They’re caught up in their feelings.

Also sorry but if I was single, and I got involved with a married man, why do I owe his wife anything. I don’t know her at all?! The opinion on this thread a lot of the time seems to be that women should have loyalty to women they don’t know, not the men who married them. It’s bizarre to me.

It 100% comes down to the one who took the vows to keep them. But I do think it's pretty gross to instigate relations with someone who is married/in a committed relationship knowingly.

 

[midsgirl0121]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Lovebombing definitely happens, and persuasion linked with infatuation can lead to it no doubt. But it is morals and self respect that, you'd think, would stop it going any further.

 

[no-no]

Not sure what the relevance of a financial arrangement is. We had a great sex life and that's all either of us wanted. I can't actually remember having a conversation with him. Both of us were happy with our arrangement.

I was speaking generally, thinking of why anyone would want to be a ‘side chick’/whatever for years if the only tie is sex. Good sex can be found with a single man. I’m sure he was happy with the arrangement.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don't suppose a tacky fling that lasted a few months, counts as being tthe "other woman" does it?

I think anything when the other person is in a relationship would, regardless of length.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

If a woman doesn't know the man is partnered up, shes shoulders no blame. If a woman knowingly gets involved, morally, its scummy as fuck and shows poor self esteem. Loyalty responsibility of course lies with the man.

Don't project on to this situation.
There is nothing to suggest be liked knowing he was wanted.
There is nothing to suggest it was some illicit secret.
He did a decent thing and made sure their working environment wasn't awkward or hostile. The joking around may or may not have been a part of that.
The OP made it clear that nothing ever happened - no secret rendezvous, no inappropriate messages, no little smiles or looks.

The man behaved well as did OP. If people have their own issues that's fine but don't tar everyone with the same brush.

Who is projecting?

A man, who is happily married (with any decency) wouldnt joke about kids with a woman he knows is attracted to him. We may even have those work wives/husbands but when you know theres actual attraction, you have to be mindful of boundaries.

You can make a working environment comfortable without doing that. In my opinion, of course.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I think it’s really interesting to see this thread is very sympathetic to the woman who’s taken part in the affair.
(I say woman because it’s about “the other woman” but I know further back we also had a woman who fucked over her husband and had an affair with someone else)

I might be wrong but I’d always assume anyone defending the other woman has been in that position and have a guilty conscience, although this will be denied.

btw I don’t include perwho have been lied to when I’m making comments here, I’m talking about women who enter into a relationship with a married man when they’re fully aware he’s married, even if it’s “just for the kids” etc.

I really find it difficult to imagine/understand that emotional disconnect. To knowingly potentially hurt someone innocent.. it just feels cruel?

 

[adult human female]

Yeah but what if he told me that they were only living together for the children, they didn’t share a bed and they remained together to keep face. It may not have been true but if I believed it and fell for him then why am I the family destroyer and gross. That’s him no?!

Tbf I did say if they were to instigate it knowingly. This is a different scenario, like I said its never black and white. I also don't think once a cheater always a cheater, sometimes people do meet the one whilst with someone they thought they loved for example x

 

[Begborrowsteal]

It doesn’t feel like an open debate when you’re consistently reading things like ‘what the women does is morally wrong and trash.’ It’s reading like a factual statement which it’s not - instead of an opinion which it is.

Thats your reading of it though? Ive said morally wrong, as my opinion. If its read another way, thats on the persons perception.

 

[sailorcherries]

I'll bite and come in as the person who new they were the other woman. To make it even worse, as well as him being in a 3 year relationship that I knew about, I was in a 5 year one and thought I was happy (the fact I cheated tells me I must not have been).

Started randomly after drunk night out and we just carried on meeting up for months until his girlfriend finally found out.

Looking back I have no idea why I did it (except for me being a piece of shit, I suppose). We both broke up with our partners and I've never seen the other guy since. Luckily my ex is doing well and is happy now. I haven't wanted to be with anyone since as I feel like I don't deserve to but also I don't trust myself and never want to hurt anyone like that again.

Open to judgement and criticism as I know I deserve it.

I don't think anyone should judge you. It's easy enough to say "just leave" etc but the reality isn't always the same.

 

[Justwishfulthinking]

Not accusing anyone on the thread of this, and of course if a man is going to cheat they are going to cheat, but some women do go out of their way to get with a married man, throwing themselves over them and things. It's not always a case of the woman being unable to resist a lovebomb and false promises.

Those women/men who get a thrill out of hunting married/in relationship are far more aware of what they are doing.

Also age and experience comes into play. I think a 17 year old would make very different decisions to a 37 year old. However there are a lot of people who are not clued up to realise they are being manipulated or used.

I’ve seen people desperate for attention/affection make silly choices that are not in line with their usual morals. It’s so sad to see. Vulnerable people attract people who may abuse that vulnerability. My sister split with her ex and she was quite cold in as much as she decided it was over and wouldn’t change her mind so he took that as being mean. Her next fella bled her dry money wise. Lazy bastard lay about while she worked…she clocked on and left but said she felt like she deserved it for hurting her WC’s feelings when they split.

 

[Sea]

Thank you @Pariszai for sharing.

 

[RR20]

When I was 23 I worked with someone who was about 7 years older and had split from his ex wife a few months previously with whom he had 2 kids. From day one he made flirty comments to me which I just brushed off and stayed professional as I had heard rumours from a co-worker that he was sleeping with a couple of people in the office then a couple of months later I hear he has a new girlfriend and I'm happy for them. Then me and him attend a work conference with black tie event in the evening and he starts to complain at the conference that his new girlfriend is asking for his credit card to book some tickets for something. At first I ignored this as I didn't want to comment on his personal life but then after the conference he asks me for a drink out before the evening event and we just chat about life etc but nothing physical happens. We attend the evening event and have a few drinks but don't get drunk and go back to a hotel we are staying in but have separate rooms we sit in the bar talking some more and he starts saying that he's only with his girlfriend as she is the only person who spoke to him on Tinder and that her mate is better looking. As we're about to leave to go to our rooms he says he really likes me but I did the right thing and went to my own room on my own and nothing happened. After this night I did develop feelings for this person and thought I was in love however he decided to stay with his girlfriend as she was pregnant and they now have 5 kids between then and I decided to cut all contact. When I look back I'm so glad I walked away from that situation and eventually I got over my feelings for him.

 

[Oohthedrama]

He still entertained the ego boost of it all though. May not have been physical, but I bet if the wife knew, she would be hurt.

Scummy.

Valid point, hard to know without knowing why he felt it necessary to bring it up at all. Only the OP can answer that I suppose.

 

[petitspois]

I confronted the other woman and was basically told she wanted what I had. Not in the way that she set out to 'get me' as it were, more that she saw a man she felt was attractive and decent and led him on. He was the bigger twat though of course.

 

[ASAnigel]

There has to be a poster who got involved knowing she was going to be the other women.
I can't believe theres not been a story yet where they admitted they jumped into a relationship fully aware that the man/woman already had a partner.


I can believe that they might be scared of being judged here.

ETA @ASAnigel just re read yours, so you did know he had a wife but didn't know he had kids?

Sorry I’ve only just seen this. Yes I did - terrible I fully know that. We slept together and yes I knew he had a wife but didn’t know about the kids - I just thought it was a one time thing and foolishly convinced myself she wouldn’t find out so I wasn’t hurting anyone. He then continued to message and asking to meet up etc - i was reluctant at first but then did. Would see him maybe once a month ish but we spoke every single day and I completely fell in love with him.
then I found out he had kids and I ended it cause it suddenly became all a bit too real.
he never specifically said he’d leave her but he always said just enough to make me convince myself he might.

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

I have knowingly been the other woman. He had been married for 5 years & his wife was pregnant. All I can say is we worked together, I was infatuated with him & I completely lost my head.
He did leave his wife, we moved in together and within a month he had raped me & beaten me to a pulp, so I guess you can say I got my karma.
What followed was months of psychological abuse, stalking (not just of me but also of my family) & police involvement.
I am now happily married but always look back on that time with complete shame, disgust & anger at myself. The scars from that time will never leave me (physically as well as emotionally) & I can honestly say it changed who I am.
My husband knows the entire story & although my ex does come off looking the worst, I am entirely to blame too & for that I will never forgive myself.

But you see you are also PROOF that there are some decent men out there so enjoy being with a decent man and never think of that total asshole ever again. Let him fade away like the rotting garbage he is xxx

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

yes, and it nearly broke me. But then I realised, like someone else said, that even if he left her for me he would cheat still. I think I mentioned he’s now in a relationship with another woman he cheated on his wife with, and that seems to be all rosy but I deliberately keep a distance from home these days so who really knows

Once upon a time there was a seriel cheat, a famous bloke called Sir James Goldsmith who always had a string of mistresses alongside his long-suffering fool of a wife. Time came when wife finally had enough so the longest serving mistress had a shot at being "Wife" after years if being strung along, thus she took on the role eagerly presumably thinking he'd change once they were finally married.

Quote from the man himself on the marriage - "When you marry The Mistress it creates a vacancy........................"

She got instead exactly what she'd been doing to someone else for years No sympathy

 

[Columbo]

Making jokes about what their kids name would be, and keeping her 'safe' in that bubble of having her feelings known, and admiring him for keeping boundaries.. nahhhh, he liked knowing he was wanted. He should have said sorry, but no thanks and not entertain it in the slightest.

I get where you’re coming from but maybe he just didn’t want to hurt her? Putting myself in his shoes I honestly can’t say for sure what I’d do, ignore it and hope for best or try to address it in a sensitive manner? Neither is ideal I guess.
I agree with you that he probably did get an ego boost from it but when he got married he didn’t vow not to be flattered by female attention, he vowed not to cheat.