“The Ick”

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birdiefly246

bookworm1403 said:
It's so irritating. I got out of a relationship just over a year ago and I can truly say I've only been properly single for 6 months or so; until then I was dealing with so many emotions I was probably still in relationship mode. My friends have been godsends though so I can't bash them for trying to get me to consider him the first time. Sorry to hear about your friends, I'm shocked a bride would even care surely she's got a lot more to worry about?!

Yes!! And one of my really good friends (one far removed from my school days) suggested I tell him I'm seeing somebody else, but it seemed stupid to me that, if he finally gave up after me saying that, it would only be because I had someone new and not because I wasn't interested in him, so the memo wouldn't actually have got to him if that makes sense.

He did take it well, which is the update. He said he'd thought it would be nice etc. Only thing I did get slightly irate at is his little sentence which he added saying 'maybe we'll go when you're less busy', completely ignoring the fact that I'm not not interested because I'm busy, but because I'm just not interested, which won't change even if my schedule cleared🙄 oh well, I'm hoping he'd have got the message-ish now, I think trying again a fourth time would only hurt his self respect.
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I think people often think they're helping but they really aren't personally. I mostly just find it really boring and quite disrespectful, I have a lot that you can talk to me about that is interesting, don't reduce me to just single or not. When I was moving abroad as part of my degree so many people said "omg you might meet the love of your life" and it drove me bat tit crazy!! This super exciting, life changing, brave experience, literally upping my whole life and moving to another country with a language that I don't speak and you've reduced it to a relationship?? GET OUT!

You're right and telling him you're seeing someone is disrespectful to you in the sense that it's not okay if that is the only reason he lets it go. You've said no. that should be enough. I'd argue him saying you'll go when you're less busy isn't really taking it well as he's STILL not got the message. It's tricky one cause you don't want to block him as that's just unnecessary drama but if he tries again maybe consider it cause it might be the only way he gets it.
 
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SqualorVictoria

SqualorVictoria

@birdiefly246 OMG every word of what you just said was my experience too when I was single. People were constantly trying to set me up with men even when I said I wasn't interested ("he'd be perfect for you"). I was even asked once by another woman if I was gay because I had been single a while. People need to stop projecting their insecurities to others!
 
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birdiefly246

SqualorVictoria said:
@birdiefly246 OMG every word of what you just said was my experience too when I was single. People were constantly trying to set me up with men even when I said I wasn't interested ("he'd be perfect for you"). I was even asked once by another woman if I was gay because I had been single a while. People need to stop projecting their insecurities to others!
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YES my friends would get really weird when I was friendly with girls cause they assumed that she was my girlfriend and I just didn't want to tell them. So many conversations of "you should bring her to our couples quiz night at the pub" resulting in me going "why would I do that we're not a couple?" It wasn't helped by the fact that they were only friends with each other besides the odd work friend but I left after school and moved away so made other friends (better ones lmao). I don't people even realise they're doing it a lot of the time!
 
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bookworm1403

birdiefly246 said:
I think people often think they're helping but they really aren't personally. I mostly just find it really boring and quite disrespectful, I have a lot that you can talk to me about that is interesting, don't reduce me to just single or not. When I was moving abroad as part of my degree so many people said "omg you might meet the love of your life" and it drove me bat tit crazy!! This super exciting, life changing, brave experience, literally upping my whole life and moving to another country with a language that I don't speak and you've reduced it to a relationship?? GET OUT!

You're right and telling him you're seeing someone is disrespectful to you in the sense that it's not okay if that is the only reason he lets it go. You've said no. that should be enough. I'd argue him saying you'll go when you're less busy isn't really taking it well as he's STILL not got the message. It's tricky one cause you don't want to block him as that's just unnecessary drama but if he tries again maybe consider it cause it might be the only way he gets it.
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If it happens a fourth time he'll be gone. I think he may be trying to be nice or maybe lessen the blow to himself, I don't know. But for all the reasons you've said, I was not happy lying to get him to leave me alone.

That's awful. A year abroad is so much more than a relationship opportunity.
 
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TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo

TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo

Spencerskates said:
Anything feet related 😂
You know I really love you when I’m not repulsed by your feet! But, specifically, seeing men’s bare feet (women’s feet bother me less) OR wearing white socks, unless they are absolutely pristine clean.

Being too keen too soon, I once dated a guy who cried and shredded the three page love letter he’d written me when I said I didn’t think it was working for me. We’d been on two dates, one of which was a very causal double date with out mutual friend who set us up!
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Too keen is a killer. I got the ick when I was sat down for a serious chat and told that he wanted to be added to the mortgage on my house. We'd been on three dates!!!
 
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CarrieW24

CarrieW24

birdiefly246 said:
YES my friends would get really weird when I was friendly with girls cause they assumed that she was my girlfriend and I just didn't want to tell them. So many conversations of "you should bring her to our couples quiz night at the pub" resulting in me going "why would I do that we're not a couple?" It wasn't helped by the fact that they were only friends with each other besides the odd work friend but I left after school and moved away so made other friends (better ones lmao). I don't people even realise they're doing it a lot of the time!
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Birdiefly we're like minds. I agree 100% with your last 3 posts!

Unfortunately it doesn't end at "give him a chance." I'm sure we've all experienced what comes after: "when are you getting married?" Even though you've only been with him for a few months 😵

Then if you do marry him you're expected to pop out babies straight away. If you don't, you get the "when are you having a baby" question. If you dare to decline an alcoholic beverage as a married woman (I've never been a drinker) you get the "are you pregnant" questions. Or if you have a heavy meal and get a lunch bloat, people ask isf you're pregnant. I hate it so much! If I was actually pregnant and somebody outed me to satisfy their own curiosity, I would be livid! I now have a 2-year-old, and constantly get asked when I'm having another one.

When does it end???? Very sad that as women we set this standard for other women. Reduce them to nothing more than reproducing agents. Men are not the ones with this expectation of women, no man has ever asked me any of the above. Why do we do it to each other? Men also don't ask other men all of this. I don't think they care enough, which nobody else should. I'll be honest I've been obliviously guilty of this before it started happening to me. I've even asked one of my friends, once, when she's having a girl because she has three boys. I wish I could take it back, it makes me cringe.
 
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aimzalicious

aimzalicious

CarrieW24 said:
Then if you do marry him you're expected to pop out babies straight away. If you don't, you get the "when are you having a baby" question. If you dare to decline an alcoholic beverage as a married woman (I've never been a drinker) you get the "are you pregnant" questions. Or if you have a heavy meal and get a lunch bloat, people ask if you're pregnant. I hate it so much! If I was actually pregnant and somebody outed me to satisfy their own curiosity, I would be livid! I now have a 2-year-old, and constantly get asked when I'm having another one.

When does it end???? Very sad that as women we set this standard for other women. Reduce them to nothing more than reproducing agents. Men are not the ones with this expectation of women, no man has ever asked me any of the above. Why do we do it to each other? Men also don't ask other men all of this. I don't think they care enough, which nobody else should. I'll be honest I've been obliviously guilty of this before it started happening to me. I've even adked one of my friends when she's having a girl because she has three boys. I wish I could take it back, it makes me cringe.
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I wish there was an "applause" reaction for you and @birdiefly246 because you've both hit the nail on the head. I want to memorise your posts so I can recite them back whenever I get the "are you seeing anyone" and the pitying looks from extended family members.
 
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birdiefly246

CarrieW24 said:
Birdiefly we're like minds. I agree 100% with your last 3 posts!

Unfortunately it doesn't end at "give him a chance." I'm sure we've all experienced what comes after: "when are you getting married?" Even though you've only been with him for a few months 😵

Then if you do marry him you're expected to pop out babies straight away. If you don't, you get the "when are you having a baby" question. If you dare to decline an alcoholic beverage as a married woman (I've never been a drinker) you get the "are you pregnant" questions. Or if you have a heavy meal and get a lunch bloat, people ask isf you're pregnant. I hate it so much! If I was actually pregnant and somebody outed me to satisfy their own curiosity, I would be livid! I now have a 2-year-old, and constantly get asked when I'm having another one.

When does it end???? Very sad that as women we set this standard for other women. Reduce them to nothing more than reproducing agents. Men are not the ones with this expectation of women, no man has ever asked me any of the above. Why do we do it to each other? Men also don't ask other men all of this. I don't think they care enough, which nobody else should. I'll be honest I've been obliviously guilty of this before it started happening to me. I've even asked one of my friends, once, when she's having a girl because she has three boys. I wish I could take it back, it makes me cringe.
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I think people just think they're just being interested in your life but it's not only really intrusive but also boring. This constant string of "when are you getting in engaged?" "when are you getting married?" "when are you having a baby?" "when are you having another baby?" "when are you picking out a grave plot?" (just kidding with the last one obviously!) It's just plain boring.

I had a friend once tell me that she'd started seeing a guy about 2 months previously, they'd not had the official "we're not seeing other people chat" yet and one of her friends has asked her if he'd told her that he loved her yet. She was like "no... it's been 2 months, if he had I'd be running a mile"

I think that's what's most upsetting for me, is that it's women who do it to other women. Society already pushes into the box of babies and marriage like it's the ultimate goal for us. You could be a nobel peace prize winner, cure cancer, end world hunger, stop climate change and there's people who would still bring up if you are married with kids or not.


p.s - you should forgive yourself for previously asking those things. All of us are trying to unlearn sexism. You didn't know better then but you do now. I cringe when I think of telling my friend when we were 15 that she should give a guy in our year who fancied her a chance cause he's lovely. I cringe whenever I felt superior for still being virgin. But I have forgiven myself and recognised that it's not my fault, we're unlearning things that we've been taught since we were born and that society still forces on us. Being upset and cringing at yourself takes energy away from where it should be directed.

aimzalicious said:
I wish there was an "applause" reaction for you and @birdiefly246 because you've both hit the nail on the head. I want to memorise your posts so I can recite them back whenever I get the "are you seeing anyone" and the pitying looks from extended family members.
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The pitying looks are the worst. My family's favourite thing to do is tell me how fussy I am. They love it. "You're single cause you're so fussy. No one is perfect and you're not exactly a dream to be with". I don't want someone who's perfect, but I'm not going to settle for something half arsed just to appease everyone else or to say I have something. I want someone who is a bonus to my life not a hinderance. Until then, I'll fly solo and work on MY goals and aspirations. It's 2020, I can do what I want and make my own money.


Maybe we should start a thread of sexist things we get told and how we can deal with them?
 
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birdiefly246

CarrieW24 said:
Can someone post the link here if they do start that thread. ❤
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Here we go: I made one


Sexist things we get told in daily life

So inspired by conversations on the "ick" thread about sexist things we get told in our daily lives and maybe things we don't often don't realise are sexist. (mainly women but we're inculsive and men can discuss the sexist things they get told to) Also, if you're a parent you can discuss the...
tattle.life
 
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Swipeupyouguys

Swipeupyouguys

bookworm1403 said:
I don't know if this even counts as 'the ick', but this guy I went to school with has asked me out three times this year (first before the pandemic, second after lockdown and third last week). Every time he does I explain that I'm not interested in dating and, if we were to go out, it would definitely just be as friends catching up, but even this makes me nervous that he'll get the wrong impression.

Last week he asked again and actually used my busy schedule against me this time, as this was my excuse last time (i.e. 'I know you work, go to uni & train everyday but you surely have an hour to give me?') and then, after I agreed to a meet up as friends, proceeded to say that 'we'll go on a few dates and take it slow'. The idea that already he thinks it's a romantic date and expects to be taking it slow has made me cringe. I can't even use lockdown as an excuse as we (in Wales) come out of it on Monday 😂 I feel like I just had to get it off my chest - the ick is now so strong I can't face the meet up, but I feel awful telling him for the third time I am not interested
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Urgh what an a** hole.

Just say you don't want to go - not even as only friends, he sounds like he is refusing to take a subtle nice no for the answer it is.

Ofc, it's up to you if you want to meet as chums, but i did this and all they did was try to wear me down and turn no into yes. If it is no, then it will remain no and if they are looking for a date, they beed to find girls who think this guy is a mmmmaybe? Or better still, a yes. Otherwise it is a waste of time for them, and an excurahating, akward and possibility dangerous for the girl.


aimzalicious said:
I wish there was an "applause" reaction for you and @birdiefly246 because you've both hit the nail on the head. I want to memorise your posts so I can recite them back whenever I get the "are you seeing anyone" and the pitying looks from extended family members.
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I tried this, thought I'd got through to them. No, apparently men do these things later in life as they marry women around 10 years younger than them. It's completely normal, men exclusively prefer younger (ick) and luckly women always prefer older men (urmmm do we?) It's natural. I was told with a piercing gaze.

My family are all well educated (phd's etc) and this, this is what they came up with to say to me.

2020 just keeps getting better!

(I'll move onto the sexism thread now)
 
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Glamourelle

Glamourelle

Is it reasonable to get the ick when a guy you’re chatting to texts you going “how’s your morning going? I need a dwink”

Why couldn’t he just say drink?! I FEEL SICK 😭😂
 
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Mulholland Drive

Mulholland Drive

This might sound "ick", probably because it is! (hope you're not eating btw?)

Used tampons - do you flush them down the loo at home? I do, even though I have read you really shouldn't because it could cause a blockage.
 
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