Omg BLOOOOOOCK him!!!I don't know if this even counts as 'the ick', but this guy I went to school with has asked me out three times this year (first before the pandemic, second after lockdown and third last week). Every time he does I explain that I'm not interested in dating and, if we were to go out, it would definitely just be as friends catching up, but even this makes me nervous that he'll get the wrong impression.
Last week he asked again and actually used my busy schedule against me this time, as this was my excuse last time (i.e. 'I know you work, go to uni & train everyday but you surely have an hour to give me?') and then, after I agreed to a meet up as friends, proceeded to say that 'we'll go on a few dates and take it slow'. The idea that already he thinks it's a romantic date and expects to be taking it slow has made me cringe. I can't even use lockdown as an excuse as we (in Wales) come out of it on MondayI feel like I just had to get it off my chest - the ick is now so strong I can't face the meet up, but I feel awful telling him for the third time I am not interested
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My friends have said to do this, however last time I stopped speaking to him (after saying I'm not interested and gradually fizzing the conversation out), he spoke to the people that I'm still in contact with from school who then asked me why I wouldn't see him/give him a chance. For a whole month I felt like a broken record: "I just don't want anything and it doesn't seem fair to lead him down a garden path"
I can imagine if I blocked him I'd have everyone who I'm still close with from school finding out and asking questions. As an adult it does my swede in that they're still like it.
This is your life, not theirs! I’d tell them to duck off and go out with him themselves if they’re that interestedMy friends have said to do this, however last time I stopped speaking to him (after saying I'm not interested and gradually fizzing the conversation out), he spoke to the people that I'm still in contact with from school who then asked me why I wouldn't see him/give him a chance. For a whole month I felt like a broken record: "I just don't want anything and it doesn't seem fair to lead him down a garden path"
I can imagine if I blocked him I'd have everyone who I'm still close with from school finding out and asking questions. As an adult it does my swede in that they're still like it.
Honestly nip it in the bud now otherwise it’ll be harder once you’ve met up! Just spell it out to him, one message, done...‘I am NOT INTERESTED in you in any way’
Exactly. It sounds like they will continually try and plead, even if you are just friends and they hope for more. I think nipping in the bud will be fairest for the both of you.This is your life, not theirs! I’d tell them to duck off and go out with him themselves if they’re that interested
One of them is his ex's sister, I don't know why she's so interestedThis is your life, not theirs! I’d tell them to duck off and go out with him themselves if they’re that interested
I'll definitely be having a word with him later today, just to really lay it out. He is a nice boy but I just know he's not right for me (especially after he saw me in a pub after I'd said I wasn't interested for the second time, asked me if I hated him and told me he loved me
although not holding that against him as he was drunk lol but god if I didn't have the ick before I had it then)I hate it when people are like ‘omg you’d be so good together!’ duck offfffOne of them is his ex's sister, I don't know why she's so interested
I'll definitely be having a word with him later today, just to really lay it out. He is a nice boy but I just know he's not right for me (especially after he saw me in a pub after I'd said I wasn't interested for the second time, asked me if I hated him and told me he loved me
What an unpleasant situation! He really can't get the message can he. Has he no self respect? Does he not realise that talking to all your friends and quizzing them about you is seriously off? The ex's-sister so interested too?One of them is his ex's sister, I don't know why she's so interested
I'll definitely be having a word with him later today, just to really lay it out. He is a nice boy but I just know he's not right for me (especially after he saw me in a pub after I'd said I wasn't interested for the second time, asked me if I hated him and told me he loved me
You sound like a kind hearted and tolerant person, but you have to be firm here.
Good luck. You deserve someone miles better.
For context, him and his ex split up almost two years ago now and him and the ex's sister work together so I think they've remained close, so her interest is as his friend as well as being mine (she is lovely mind you, she wouldn't push I just think she'd like to see him happy)
I just hope I won't get another message in six weeks. I don't know how many times I can tell him as now I've begun to feel like the bad guy (even though I know I'm not)! Thank you
I do things like this as well cause I don’t want to be mean or harsh but then I end up in a situation that could have been completely avoided had I just been an moleI don't know if this even counts as 'the ick', but this guy I went to school with has asked me out three times this year (first before the pandemic, second after lockdown and third last week). Every time he does I explain that I'm not interested in dating and, if we were to go out, it would definitely just be as friends catching up, but even this makes me nervous that he'll get the wrong impression.
Last week he asked again and actually used my busy schedule against me this time, as this was my excuse last time (i.e. 'I know you work, go to uni & train everyday but you surely have an hour to give me?') and then, after I agreed to a meet up as friends, proceeded to say that 'we'll go on a few dates and take it slow'. The idea that already he thinks it's a romantic date and expects to be taking it slow has made me cringe. I can't even use lockdown as an excuse as we (in Wales) come out of it on Monday
I think you may just need to cut it dead and just be brutal. It’s horrible but this will keep going otherwise and it’ll be much harder to shake him off once you’ve been out.
also you might need to be an mole to your friends as well and tell them that you are not interested never going to happen and that if he comes asking that they should tell him that. I wonder if behind the scenes your friends are telling him to keep trying with you?
Side note: when I say mole you’re not actually being an mole you’re having boundaries but I understand that sometimes it feels like being an mole. You’re not though!
Yes I wondered what the deal is with the other people being all enthusiastic about it...I wonder if he’s been spinning them a yarn about you two or something..either way his behaviour is out of line!I do things like this as well cause I don’t want to be mean or harsh but then I end up in a situation that could have been completely avoided had I just been an mole
I think you may just need to cut it dead and just be brutal. It’s horrible but this will keep going otherwise and it’ll be much harder to shake him off once you’ve been out.
also you might need to be an mole to your friends as well and tell them that you are not interested never going to happen and that if he comes asking that they should tell him that. I wonder if behind the scenes your friends are telling him to keep trying with you?
Side note: when I say mole you’re not actually being an mole you’re having boundaries but I understand that sometimes it feels like being an mole. You’re not though!
I know I don't want to be an mole, but I know that's what I need to do. I think I'm less worried about whether he thinks I'm a witch and whether he'll tell other people (as I like a lot of people that I went to school with and have kept in contact with them over the years) that I'm an mole. Either way, I need to get over worrying about what other people thinkI do things like this as well cause I don’t want to be mean or harsh but then I end up in a situation that could have been completely avoided had I just been an mole
I think you may just need to cut it dead and just be brutal. It’s horrible but this will keep going otherwise and it’ll be much harder to shake him off once you’ve been out.
also you might need to be an mole to your friends as well and tell them that you are not interested never going to happen and that if he comes asking that they should tell him that. I wonder if behind the scenes your friends are telling him to keep trying with you?
Side note: when I say mole you’re not actually being an mole you’re having boundaries but I understand that sometimes it feels like being an mole. You’re not though!
I think he's definitely had discussions with mutual friends about me/him/us, otherwise god knows why he'd keep pursuing. I'm friends with his friends (again, from school) and on the night when he drunkenly told me he loved me etc his friends were actively pulling him away and apologising on his behalf, so I know they aren't the type to encourage it and more likely would tell him to cut his losses and not pursue me.
Overall, I know what I have to do; just involves me putting my big girl pants on and biting the bullet
as I said, I hope he takes it well & doesn't assume I'm just making excuses - like the last time I told him I wasn't interested I explained lack of time for a relationship/to be seeing somebody. That wasn't an excuse, I genuinely don't have time for it at the minuteJust keep screenshots of your messages, then if any of them start on you you can whip out the receipts!I know I don't want to be an mole, but I know that's what I need to do. I think I'm less worried about whether he thinks I'm a witch and whether he'll tell other people (as I like a lot of people that I went to school with and have kept in contact with them over the years) that I'm an mole. Either way, I need to get over worrying about what other people think
I think he's definitely had discussions with mutual friends about me/him/us, otherwise god knows why he'd keep pursuing. I'm friends with his friends (again, from school) and on the night when he drunkenly told me he loved me etc his friends were actively pulling him away and apologising on his behalf, so I know they aren't the type to encourage it and more likely would tell him to cut his losses and not pursue me.
Overall, I know what I have to do; just involves me putting my big girl pants on and biting the bullet
He’s not a nice bloke if he won’t take no for an answer. It’s seriously creepy actually. Ugh.
@bookworm1403 your post gave me rage on your behalf! Both because of his creepy won't take no for an answer behaviour but also your friends butting in! Don't they realise they're doing not only you, but also him, a massive disservice by trying to foist him on you when you're clearly not interested? Generally if two adults are interested in each other it will happen and they don't need help from anyone else. I experienced this a bit when I was single and it's infuriating. People should just duck off and worry about their own lives
I think you need to consider if your friends are really your friends, if you're so scared of their disapproval because you don't want to go out with this man.
I would rather others think badly of me (which would be ridiculous if they do in this instance) than compromise myself.
I would rather others think badly of me (which would be ridiculous if they do in this instance) than compromise myself.
I love this thread
Mine are :
Nails - normal length, not too long and not bitten so short they look painful. Have to be clean too!
Personal hygiene - I have a strong gag reflex, the slightest smell that hits the back of my throat and I am gipping. Can't help it.
Long hair on a man, particularly those with man buns etc.
Overly muscular men - I don't mind if you look after yourself, but those built up types look like theres a skinny man trying to escape at the neck/shoulders.
Skinny men - I can't take it if they look like they'll break if struck by the next strong wind. I don't mind some meat on my man, dad bod upwards, If you look like you'll snap its a no. My cousins partner literally looks like a kids stick drawing. Can't unsee.
Men who take better care of themselves with a beauty regime than most women. I can't help it, I like a bit of man in my men
Got to be taller than me. I am 5ft 9 and spent most of my school years taller than most of the boys. It was awful (first World problems!)and felt so awkward as it was towering over both girls and boys until sort of year 11. You've got to be taller than me, I'm sorry!
Mine are :
Nails - normal length, not too long and not bitten so short they look painful. Have to be clean too!
Personal hygiene - I have a strong gag reflex, the slightest smell that hits the back of my throat and I am gipping. Can't help it.
Long hair on a man, particularly those with man buns etc.
Overly muscular men - I don't mind if you look after yourself, but those built up types look like theres a skinny man trying to escape at the neck/shoulders.
Skinny men - I can't take it if they look like they'll break if struck by the next strong wind. I don't mind some meat on my man, dad bod upwards, If you look like you'll snap its a no. My cousins partner literally looks like a kids stick drawing. Can't unsee.
Men who take better care of themselves with a beauty regime than most women. I can't help it, I like a bit of man in my men
Got to be taller than me. I am 5ft 9 and spent most of my school years taller than most of the boys. It was awful (first World problems!)and felt so awkward as it was towering over both girls and boys until sort of year 11. You've got to be taller than me, I'm sorry!
Get rid of him any way you need to. Dating isn't an equal opportunities event, you don't have to give him a chance.I know I don't want to be an mole, but I know that's what I need to do. I think I'm less worried about whether he thinks I'm a witch and whether he'll tell other people (as I like a lot of people that I went to school with and have kept in contact with them over the years) that I'm an mole. Either way, I need to get over worrying about what other people think
I think he's definitely had discussions with mutual friends about me/him/us, otherwise god knows why he'd keep pursuing. I'm friends with his friends (again, from school) and on the night when he drunkenly told me he loved me etc his friends were actively pulling him away and apologising on his behalf, so I know they aren't the type to encourage it and more likely would tell him to cut his losses and not pursue me.
Overall, I know what I have to do; just involves me putting my big girl pants on and biting the bullet
I think that when you're single your friends encourage you to date; most of the time they're right but on this occasion they're wrong.
Thank you for everyone's advice, I'm glad I don't feel silly anymore - because he's nice enough I felt stupid thinking that his persistence was something to be annoyed with rather than something I should be endeared by.
I've sent him a message, plainly saying that I don't want to pursue anything with him & that I think I'd be wasting his time going out as I'm certain that it's not what I want. If/when I get a response I'll update.
Thank you for everyone's advice, I'm glad I don't feel silly anymore - because he's nice enough I felt stupid thinking that his persistence was something to be annoyed with rather than something I should be endeared by.
I've sent him a message, plainly saying that I don't want to pursue anything with him & that I think I'd be wasting his time going out as I'm certain that it's not what I want. If/when I get a response I'll update.
Yeah I agree with you and it can actually be really draining. I was the only single one of my group of friends for about 5 years and they would constantly go on about it. "we need to find you someone" blah blah blah. One of them was getting married and she (the bride) legit said "we'll have to find you someone to have as plus 1". I was like maybe focus on your own wedding and not whether I'm bringing anyone?? They are those kind of people who can't be without a relationship/man though. They either have to be in one or talking to someone and they won't leave a current relationship no matter how badly it's going until they have another one lined up, so I never took it personally as it was just them projecting their insecurities onto me because I was genuinely happy single. (I'm not friends with them anymore for a number of reasons)
You're not being silly. The thing is, it is only women who tend to get told these things or get these feelings. You never really hear of men being like "oh yeah but she's nice so maybe give it a try". (-it's actually deep rooted sexism but let's not get into that) Also, you have every right to be annoyed by it. It's not endearing and it's quite frankly creepy.
Hopefully he takes it well and you have done the right thing. You know you're own mind and feeling. You know if it's going to go anywhere or not.
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It's so irritating. I got out of a relationship just over a year ago and I can truly say I've only been properly single for 6 months or so; until then I was dealing with so many emotions I was probably still in relationship mode. My friends have been godsends though so I can't bash them for trying to get me to consider him the first time. Sorry to hear about your friends, I'm shocked a bride would even care surely she's got a lot more to worry about?!
Yes!! And one of my really good friends (one far removed from my school days) suggested I tell him I'm seeing somebody else, but it seemed stupid to me that, if he finally gave up after me saying that, it would only be because I had someone new and not because I wasn't interested in him, so the memo wouldn't actually have got to him if that makes sense.
He did take it well, which is the update. He said he'd thought it would be nice etc. Only thing I did get slightly irate at is his little sentence which he added saying 'maybe we'll go when you're less busy', completely ignoring the fact that I'm not not interested because I'm busy, but because I'm just not interested, which won't change even if my schedule cleared
oh well, I'm hoping he'd have got the message-ish now, I think trying again a fourth time would only hurt his self respect.- Status