The Depression Thread

[TARDIS Blue]

I couldn't see an existing thread for this so I thought I'd set one up. I had one over on the Digital Spy forums which is still going but after the latest announcement I have closed my account there.

This is essentially a place for anyone who suffers from depression and other mental health issues, or is just going through a hard time right now, to be open and say what's on their mind. Other posters can be a listening ear and offer support in any way they can. Obviously this is not a substitute for professional advice or services but it can be nice to have somewhere anonynous to vent. Let's try to keep it a judgement free zone and be understanding of each other.

 

[caterday28]

This is a good idea, thank you!

I suffer quite badly with depression. I had therapy today and it's wiped me out. All I want to do is lie down to a point where being on Tattle is a productive alternative! That combined with the effort and energy it takes to get up and shower and I'm wondering how other people hold down full time jobs!

 

[jarv]

Just jumping in! I've talked about my current MH situation on other threads. I'm off work atm as my work situation triggered a breakdown which began as more anxiety but now I think I am just depressed which is a very different feeling to what I'm used to. I've struggled informally with anxiety for years, was briefly medicated in uni and then I've just dealt with it since then. I came off the mini pill in September and my general day to day anxiety really improved, I was so pleased about it. And then this work situation happened and it really knocked me for six.

Next bit spoilered as it relates to self harm etc

one of the things I find very jarring about depression is how often I think about ending my life. I'm quite confident I don't want to hurt myself but I am nearly constantly imagining ending things on some days. We went on a long walk the other day and I kept wanting to just fling myself off the high bits even though I knew I wouldn't because it would be painful? It was a bit scary and confusing. I keep thinking life is pointless now as I'll never achieve anything and who would want to spend their life with someone like me? It's a very isolating experience. I'm off work for another week now but I think I need medication at this point because it's been three weeks of this type of thinking now and it's not going away.

 

[Libbylulu]

My post is in a spoiler as I’m sharing my experience of suicidal behavior

For a very long time I had planned my suicide. It was after my daughter finished school and everything in my life centered around this in my head. ‘Beyond this time i showed no interest as i knew i wouldn’t be here so it didn’t concern me’. In a bizarre sense it gave me goal. When I tried tried to take my life, my husband found me in time. I was furious with him. in the hospital I was screaming and shouting at everyone who saved me and had very little regards for anyone’s feelings. After a few weeks of medication, counseling and time I started to see the hurt I had caused and vowed to work realyhard at everything to shake off the depression. But it’s easier said than done. As you know depression sits like a heavy black blanket and sucks the joy out of everything . Ive been reading a few comments on the celebrity gossip thread over the past few days where a few posters who have lost parents or siblings to suicide and it’s totally broken me, reading their words, trying to imagine their heartbreak, confusion, grief and whilst trying to process their sorrow understand what I very closely almost did to my own family. Whilst I still feel heavy with depression I now realize that I can’t pass that heartbreak to others.

I am so sorry for this very long post, I’ve not opened up about it properly since that day and not told friends or anyone other than those affected at the time. I am hoping by voicing my experience it will help someone. Big love to you

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

Sending massive love. Me, my husband and dog are not having a Xmas dinner or seeing either of our toxic families for the first time. No gifts. We've bought a few nice food bits, we've been able to afford gas so we are warm and that will have to do. I think forcing yourself into the spirit can be detrimental so this year we decided to accept we weren't in the spirit after a hard year.

 

[Kiki13]

Can I join please?

Suffered with depression since a teen, so well over half of my life. I thought I was on an even footing for a couple of years, and my things like relationship/friendships/work all going well. But then a couple of months ago my relationship broke down (honestly all of a sudden and at once) and it's stirred up so much childhood trauma around rejection and abandonment and sent me back down the spiral.

I can barely get out of bed most days, I do because I have a dog and that boy has saved me because I have to get up and look after him, but I'm cancelling plans with friends, volunteering etc (things that usually bring me joy) and just sleeping. I used to love exercise but I haven't moved in weeks. I "go to work" (WFH) and do enough to get by but I feel like I'm failing there too.

I just feel so alone and hopeless. My ex wants to work on things but I'm paralysed with depression and don't know what to do for the best, so I can't even confront yes or no, which I guess also keeps me in limbo of not being able to start to heal.

I started therapy again, but I don't feel I can reach out to friends, who I suspect will think I am being "too much" as it's been months.

Sending care to everyone <3

 

[chandlercheesecake]

I dream of running away somewhere and hiding from the world. Change my name and appearance so no one can find me.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life due to low self esteem and being easily led.
I don't want to die, but I just want to feel free and at peace.

 

[justheretoread99]

Many that will post on here will be mistaking sadness with depression, so before stating you have ‘depression’, go through the correct channels of diagnosis, do your research, and self reflect, because the whole flippant culture of ‘I feel depressed’ and ‘I have anxiety and depression’ is becoming monotonous.

I don’t think this comment is fair.

This thread should be a safe and welcoming space for all to discuss their feelings and experiences.

Nobody has the right to tell someone they don’t feel depressed or suffer from anxiety. Mental health services (in my country, the UK) are so underfunded. It’s hard enough to get a GP appointment for a physical illness/infection and it’s even harder when it comes to appointments for mental health.

I’ve had bad bouts of depression since being a teenager. Literally stopped going to college. Couldn’t get out of bed. Didn’t take showers or brush my teeth for days. Didn’t eat. Just felt numb.

I’ve been suffering with anxiety since childhood and only recently had the courage to speak about my experiences with the GP and been prescribed medication to help my cope with the physical symptoms.

So I’d be insulted if someone tried to tell me I was mistaking my depression for “sadness” and my anxiety as “normal worrying”. I can function with the help of support and medication. But it doesn’t mean I don’t suffer.

 

[JellyWobbles]

I’ve never felt less festive in my life.
Then I feel guilty, because I just can’t be bothered and I can’t even fake it for the sake of my kids (9&12).

Very much cannot be bothered with life.
I see these people posting online how amazing it is being with their family and friends, I’ve never felt so alone yet have my own small family. I can’t explain it. Anyway. Shout out to those struggling x

 

[bunnyboo]

Are you safe right now?

In this moment do whatever it takes to stay alive.

Can you call a friend/ do you have any family close by?

Maytree | We’re open to suicidal feelings

Maytree offer a free 4 night, 5 day stay for adults, with the opportunity to be heard in complete confidence, in a caring, safe environment.

www.maytree.org.uk

@bunnyboo I hope you’re ok.

Please call an emergency help line
https://mentalhealth-uk.org/help-and-information/get-urgent-help/

I rang the HSE crisis line (Irish version of NHS). I'm being driven into hospital because of something I did, but it's minor enough. I won't go into detail, could be triggering for others on this thread. Have a meeting with the crisis team in-person tomorrow.

I'm sorry if I worried anyone and thank you for the nice messages.

 

[Pollyanna263]

I’ve dipped in and out here, reading on and off over the past week or two, but decided to post before I talk myself out of it again.

I’m just coming out of a real low, but I don’t feel like I can actually properly get myself out of it if that makes sense. Even before this dip I was basically on autopilot, functioning rather than anything more, but it feels impossible to even get back to that.

I just need a break from everything. To switch off entirely, not be needed, not be responsible for anyone or thing (I have 2 children, and a dog) and over the last few weeks I’ve found myself thinking I want to fall asleep and just never ever wake up again.

No need for any replies, and I’m sorry to just jump straight in like this. It’s a relief to have a space like this where people understand x

 

[Gem_woody]

I've never really said any of this to someone but I thought it might be cathartic to put it down here. I have never been diagnosed or properly spoken to a professional about it but I'm pretty sure I've been suffering with depression since I was a teenager, I'm now 30. Objectively, I've had a really good life and shouldn't feel like this, but I've also always hated my life and myself. I think it's actually a mix of depression/ anxiety/ body dysmorphia which is self diagnosed so I'm sorry if that offends anyone.
I'm not going to kill myself (I don't want to hurt the people I love) but I don't want to be alive as I'm apathetic about life and would rather not be here. I fantasise about dying sometimes...(never admitted that before). Saying that, I've kept up with full time jobs, a lovely relationship, hobbies and a social life but I feel like I'm pretending to be happy most of the time. It definitely plays a part in me not wanting to do normal life things like get married and have children. I don't seem to view life the way most people do, I overthink and I'm just a nihilist.
A way of coping with my depression is- I kind of made peace with it a few years ago and just accepted that it's the way I am.

 

[LittleMy]

I have suffered with depression since I was a child. Wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was 21 after a massive emotional breakdown and being forced to see the GP by my mum. I’m 32 now and have taken antidepressants on and off for it since then (currently managing without) but never worked up the courage to do any talking therapies (I suffer from social anxiety). While I cope well most days, I still have bad days and I understand it’s something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. It’s nice to see a thread here for it and to read others’ experiences.

 

[Barbie2020]

Depression is such a bitch I would say this past year I’ve had low moods about 85% of the time. I’m on my own in the week when my boyfriend works away and I just feel a crippling loneliness and life is passing me by. It’s about just getting through each day at the moment.

I don’t want to die but sometimes I don’t want to be alive, it’s too painful. As much as I’m glad there is more awareness around mental health, I do get annoyed that there are a lot of people who say they suffer with their mental health now who probably have one bad day a year or get nervous time to time. It makes a mockery of people who genuinely suffer.

sending love to everyone

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

Many that will post on here will be mistaking sadness with depression, so before stating you have ‘depression’, go through the correct channels of diagnosis, do your research, and self reflect, because the whole flippant culture of ‘I feel depressed’ and ‘I have anxiety and depression’ is becoming monotonous.

Absolutely no need for this post at all. Don’t invalidate people on this thread. This is a place where we don’t judge and we let people express how they feel. What was even the point in this comment ? What made you post it? It seems like you’re angry at the system and taking it out on people here. Not cool. I’m actually shocked at how cold this post is.

 

[under the ivy]

I’m struggling at the moment and I’m putting a front on. I’m currently crying my eyes out in bed. I can hear people outside in their gardens having fun and it’s hurting me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Ive had depression since I was 13 and it comes and goes. It’s been really bad this week. I feel lonely and sad. I have a lot of pressure on me through various things and I just want the world the stop.

 

[LittleMy]

I’m sorry so many of us have experienced feeling the lowest of the low, and I do wish this thread was emptier, but at the same time I suppose it’s comforting to know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. It’s good to have a space to be able to share our experiences without fear of judgement.

Spoiler: TW: Suicidal thoughts, sexual assault

I think about ending it all daily. I just feel like I should never have been born. I’ve always felt different to others, like I’m faking my way through life just to get through it. When people say I should be grateful for my life it really grates on me. I didn’t choose to be born, and if I could’ve I would’ve chosen not to be the person that I am nor feel this way. I resent my parents for having me. I grew up in a toxic environment, my dad was disinterested in being a parent, he was physically abusive towards my mum (who I was closer to despite her taking her frustrations out on me often).

My dad left when I was about 8 and around that time I was sexually assaulted by a family friend who was trusted to look after me. I’ve never mentioned it at all except here as the person has since passed away, and I don’t want to as it would cause a lot of hurt in my family. This was a person everyone liked and trusted, I have tried to block it out since but the memory hangs over me like a dark cloud.

A few years later, I lost my older cousin who I was very close to. She had down syndrome and was more like a sister to me than a cousin. She was my favourite person on Earth (aside from my grandmother). Her death had a massive impact at a time when I was already going through so much mentally. The grief of losing someone you love never leaves you

The first time I think I properly understood how I was feeling was suicidal was around 16, when I was heavily pressured into losing my virginity to my older boyfriend at the time. I only felt used and disgusting after, which was cemented further by the fact that he was a serial cheat who had lots of girls on the go. I felt so stupid and after a period of shutting everyone out completely I went off the rails, drinking and partying every weekend not caring where I ended up. I was never the type to do that sort of thing, always very sensible and quiet. In the times when I was truly alone I’d Google ways to kill myself; I’d daydream about it and then eventually tried a couple of separate times when I was deep in my depressive episode, but couldn’t follow through. That was just the first time, I had my first massive breakdown at 21 and this led to my mum pushing me to go see the GP for the first time. I had another breakdown a few years later after a long term relationship ended but it was the wake up call I needed and I came out of that a better person.

After a long period of coping on my own, lately I’ve been feeling extremely anxious and depressed again, questioning the point of my existence, and I’m heavily considering going back on medication. I have two little boys now and I love them with all my heart. I’m trying to think of them every time the thought of ending it all comes up because they need me and their dad. They have additional needs and will likely need support their entire lives, so I can’t die. They and my very supportive husband are what keep me going even although my days are often plagued with the worst thoughts about myself, though I often feel guilty when I’m not “fun mummy” because it can take me all my time to drag myself out of bed during my depressive periods.

My anxiety stops me from being able to enjoy life because I worry and stress over the most ridiculous things. I feel it’s been triggered by the pandemic and probably have a bit of underlying trauma from that. I’m a frontline worker in a care home and it has been hellish at times. I went into my job last March excited to get back into the swing of it again after a few years of being home taking care of the kids and now I deeply regret it. I physically dread going there.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Many that will post on here will be mistaking sadness with depression, so before stating you have ‘depression’, go through the correct channels of diagnosis, do your research, and self reflect, because the whole flippant culture of ‘I feel depressed’ and ‘I have anxiety and depression’ is becoming monotonous.

Am I the only one who thinks this comments is quite tone-deaf? Assuming most people here are self-diagnosed is quite offensive and this is a safe and supportive space for everyone anyway.

 

[Libbylulu]

Thank you for creating this thread. I’m sorry to read through everyone’s struggles and experiences, depression and anxiety really isn’t something that disappears I feel. It’s completely dominated my life for the last 10 years. I’ve missed out on so much, friendships, things with my children, life! As I’m sure you’ve experienced. I’ve had 2 full mental breakdowns and had 2 treatments of ECT. Some days I’m ok, other days I feel the weight of the world weighing so heavily on me. I don’t think my children remember the previous me, the fun me that had a life or knew joy. Currently I’m very low, feeling incredibly lonely. I’m trying to hold it together. I no longer reach out to friends as I don’t think they understand and I don’t want to be a burden or nuisance. I have recognized this past few weeks that I need counseling (something I’ve done numerous times before but felt non the wiser previously). I’m seeing someone tomorrow for EMD therapy. Otherwise I was desperately looking to try hypnosis. I spend a lot of time on Tattle. It helps pass the time and there’s some great threads here. The very best to all of you who are finding things difficult

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I am not really expecting any replies but I am in such a horrible place right now and just need to write it down. This morning my sister, who I generally get on well with but who is very nosey (I’m 99% sure she reads on here because she is always looking at my screen or search history…if so, hey Alex, thanks for everything), told my parents about my experience with depression and antidepressants. She was supposed to keep it secret, my parents are quite old-fashioned, don’t believe in depression, ‘hearing about your problems makes us feel bad’ kind of people and I preferred not to tell them. There was an ugly scene and now I’m locked in the bathroom crying and late for everything. I just cannot believe the people who are supposed to be your support system can be so cruel to you, so many strangers on the Internet are much kinder and more understanding than they are. I don’t even know what to do or if I should do anything at all, I just can’t keep it to myself anymore.