The Depression Thread

[Penguin86]

Well I appear to be in my bad sleep cycle. Fun.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Like @LittleMy, I wish this thread was emptier, yet I feel so grateful to everyone for sharing their stories. You are not alone!

Is anyone here on medication? I'm thinking of asking my doctor to prescribe something to try and dull the nasty thoughts and to help me sleep better.

I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks since my school years, and last month I was prescribed Prozac for the first time in my life. I did not see any effect at first but now it’s been three weeks and I feel so much better. I don’t have crazy mood swings anymore, I don’t feel

Spoiler: TW

suicidal

and I sleep better too. I had some side effects at first, like hot flashes, heartburn and slightly blurred vision but they have gradually subsided.

 

[chandlercheesecake]

Just want to vent really. I feel really down today.

I hate me. I've never fit in anywhere or been able to make any true friends. Everyone just points out how quiet or shy I am. I thought this would stop once I left school 11 years ago, but it still happens to this today. I've been bullied in workplaces and left out. One situation that still hurts me even though it happened 2 years ago, was when a woman who I thought was my "friend" tried to get my boyfriend to bitch about me with her behind my back.

There was also a time a few years ago when I set up a fan group for something and actually made some online friends, but then I got busy with work so didn't have the time anymore. When I did return, they had all gotten closer and one of them was even like "Not being rude but who are you?" even though I was the one who set up the group.

I also had another online forum friend a couple of years ago that blocked me because they got the wrong end of the stick about a YouTube clip I sent them. That one still kinda stings too when I see them post on that forum.

I always try to smile and be friendly with people but I struggle a lot with holding conversations and sharing details about myself. I feel like I have been ashamed of myself since I was about 4 or 5 years old because teachers and relatives would always shout at me and treat me like I was all wrong because I was shy.

Last year I did find out about something called "toxic shame" and I think I do have it.

I have never gotten help from doctors, but I think I finally should.

 

[Penguin86]

Don't you just love it when you suffer from an anxiety disorder and you tell someone you're anxious and they just say "it'll be ok". Yeah really fucking helpful! Im suddenly cured

 

[barmcake]

Glossy: I haven't been able to cry since 2007 so I know how you feel. The only way I manage my depression is medication and being totally selfish by managing my life around the depression. I live like a hermit but still enjoy my pets, reading and cooking. The worst thing is having to put on a brave face to the outside world. The world is a scary place now, but instead of worrying about wars, pandemics and climate change just try and concentrate on you for the moment. Everything in life is temporary and we are no more important than a grain of sand. Sorry I can't offer you anything more positive but positive thinking actually makes me feel worse. When people say 'there are people worse off than you' or 'go for a nice walk' I know they've don't understand.

 

[barmcake]

Yes. Really trivial stuff too.

I avoid replying to certain emails at work because I just know the tone that their going to reply with. So I sit with loads of unread and flagged emails in my inbox which then makes me more anxious.

I avoid the work kitchen at certain times because I know people will be in there and I can’t bare the awkward small talk. Even if I’m really thirsty or need the toilet it’s as if I’m frozen and glued to my office chair.

I avoid putting petrol in my car. I don’t know why it just makes me panic. I’ve been driving almost 10 years and I still can’t use the pumps without them clicking and nothing comes out. So I end up free-wheeling until my cars beeping at my with the warning “low fuel sign” and I have to fill up.

I sell a lot of clothes on depop/eBay and for some reason going to the post office makes me anxious. I leave it a few days and then panic and end up sending everything first class so I don’t get bad reviews.

Also avoid going to the manned checkouts in supermarkets. Even if they’re empty I’d rather stand in a small queue and wait for a self-service check out.

You're not alone. I no longer use a telephone and don't answer my door. I avoid all humans in case I have to make small talk. Sounds weird, but I'm happier talking to the cats.

Absolutely not! I was on the phone to my best friend the other week, just telling her how down and numb I was feeling. I’d not been to work, not left my pitch black room. And her response was “Ohh but it could be so much worse”. & I love her to pieces and I know she was meaning well and trying to be encouraging but it upset me and made me feel worse.

I think when people haven’t experienced the same feelings that you have, it’s hard for them to relate and they don’t really understand and they can say things that sound insensitive.

Like my friend, I’m sure your friend was trying to be supportive as best they could. Either try and let go of what they said (easier said then done I know) or have another chat with them

99% of people on here will understand too, so if you’re really struggling please vent/chat on here x

Well, that response is about as usefull as a chocolate fire grate - don't confide in her again. Each person's pain is their own and some people can only do 'light and fluffy' topics.

 

[Underhiseye]

Jumping in again. Feeling really low. Just had a friend round but didn’t say anything as she was annoyed about something. Can’t talk to my other friend cause she’s happy and feeling festive, don’t want to bring her down. I have a few other friends but just don’t know what to say. I feel so alone I hate this. I’m sick of waiting for these low phases to pass, they just come back worse than ever

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

I was awake from yesterday morning til 2pm today. Got 4h sleep. Ate a ready meal. Now playing animal crossing. It's hard to imagine that I once enjoyed festivities.

Your last sentence is exactly how I feel. Seems like a lifetime ago that it was a happy time. It’s nearly over now tomorrow is a new day

 

[xx3221]

@Lilu22 and @justheretoread99

Please don't be disheartened by what your friends have said. I am a suffer in silence kind of person and I remember once opening up to one of my closest friends, and she didn't really have much to say. Some people just don't know how to react, especially if they've never felt that low. It is very basic empathy to try to make a friend feel better when they are feeling so low, but I think it's important to understand, some people just don't know what to say or how to help somebody in that state of mind (if that makes sense). I would never put any of my mental health issues on any of my friends although they're all very aware of them, I only really speak to my partner about it who is super supportive, and that's not really that often either.

I often read this thread so I just want to say I'm sending you all lots of love and light, I know it may not feel like things will get better but they always do. Isn't it awful that something as simple as existing feels like such a battle for all of us?

 

[Pariszai]

I feel so down and just consumed by crippling lonliness every day. I don't want to go to work as I have to pretend to be happy but then I don't want to leave knowing I'm going back to an empty house.
I'm trying to fill my time but should life really be about just getting through it? I have nothing to look forward to, I'm single with absolutely no prospects around me and coming up to a milestone birthday which I thought would be very different a few years ago.

I hate my life but don't know how to change it. I want someone to love but can't seem to find options anywhere. I feel like I'll be alone forever and if that's the case I'd rather just not bother.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I just feel really lonely today despite being surrounded by friends and family. It looks like the majority of people I’ve known throughout my life just used me and never cared for me as a person. It’s especially sad considering I’m very empathetic and get emotionally attached and invested into other people’s lives quickly. I hate being like that.

 

[kachoochoo]

I'm on citalopram and I'm not sure I'd still be here without it.

the overarching impression from reading online is that antidepressants make things worse, but, for me at least that's not the case and I think we need to get away from this depiction

I'm not cured from anxiety and depression, but I can live with it. I don't think cure is possible.

I had 6 weeks therapy through work a few years ago which was great until the therapist said in the 6th appt, "well, you're not in a heap on the floor"

it's not a magic bullet, but antidepressants in conjunction with coping techniques* is the way forward.

*coping techniques like "breathe in for a count of five, breathe out for a count of seven" when you're catastrophisng

*grounding techniques like noticing things you can see/hear/smell/taste/touch

 

[nothanksbabes]

I'm sorry to everyone who's struggling. It's a hard time of year.

I am too and I feel like I have nothing to feel shit about, yet here I am. I'm the "character" and "life and soul of the party" outwardly but I just want to curl up and hide. Sertraline has taken the edge off my symptoms, I don't cry anymore really, and the special of negative thoughts has gone, but I just feel exhausted, unmotivated and pointless.

I just feel like nothing nice ever happens. I have an OK life, amazing friends but they're all getting married, having kids, doing nice things all the time, and I'm on my own and all I do is go to gigs and go for drinks which is fun but then when everyone who has a life goes back to their proper lives I'm just here on my own wishing someone would let me know what's wrong with me so I can change it. I don't know why I can't just be a person like everyone else is.

 

[F the dust.]

So I'm really depressed I was diagnosed 4 years ago and since losing my mam in March I'm just really not caring if I wake up. I have few friends and not much family...if I didn't have kids I don't think I'd be here? I over think people please worry constantly and it's now driving me insane. I just want peace in my head...

 

[Glamourelle]

Hi all - I don’t know where to turn to or what to do anymore. Yesterday the guy I’ve been with since November turned around and just said he hasn’t been happy with me for a while and I needed to pack my stuff and leave. I have done everything I can do to make him happy, I try to be such a people pleaser sometimes to my own detriment so this has honestly felt like a train has hit me. Ive moved back in with mum who had to carry me out of the car as I was crying so much, and I’ve been in bed since then just sobbing and trying to sleep.
What worries me is I’ve battled depression with suicidal thoughts and anxiety for over ten years, on and off with both medication and counselling. But it’s terrifying how quickly my suicidal thoughts crawl back into my brain. They’re always there just bubbling away quietly whilst I put a happy front on as if I need to entertain people so they don’t worry about me. My mum hasn’t left my side and has stayed home to be with me but honestly all I want for her to do is just go so I can kill myself. I’m so mentally exhausted and I feel like being alive just isn’t my home for me - I just don’t belong here.
I’m so tired.
I’m so unbelievably tired and I can’t keep doing this. I feel like I’ve done what I’ve needed to do here on this Earth and my soul is just so, so ready to go home

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Despite being all right all day, I’m really struggling tonight. I saw one of my friends yesterday and was really shocked how different our lives are despite similar social backgrounds, education level, etc etc. She is just so confident, so open, so bubbly, so happy, and I’m none of these things. She was brought up loved and cherished. I am happy for her, I just don’t understand why can’t I be like that.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I'm fed up, I'm not happy. I've spent most of the day on the verge of tears. I'm tired of constantly putting on a front. I feel like I'm failing as a Mum and I don't make my little boy happy. It feels like everything is falling on top of me and I can't breathe. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown

 

[Silverplume]

I hope each poster in this thread is treating themselves gently and taking care of themselves as best they can. I wish you all good improvements in your lives, from tiny to big, so keep your eyes open for any good things!

 

[Penguin86]

I'm on the numb cycle of my depression

 

[Maid22]

Haven't posted for a while in here, but do read and think about you all x
Am in an okish, is that a word!, mind set at the mo, but I know it will change, that's the trouble with this, you can end up feeling normal, I really hate that word!, but deep down you know you aren't, does that make sense?