The Depression Thread

[flutternutter]

Hi all, hope its okay to jump in.
I've had on/off depression & anxiety since my teens (late 20s now) I had CBT about 8/9 years ago which did help somewhat.
The anxiety is always there, just some days are better than others. Depression on the other hand seems to be controlled for a while, then I'll go into a huge spiral
I'm currently in one of those spirals and I think its Post natal depression, little one is 7 months old.
I feel so guilty though because I have what a lot of couples struggle to get, what do I have to be depressed about?!
I can only describe it as every day feels like a slog, wading through mud almost. Little tasks feel like the hardest thing ever & I'm very very irritable.
I've never been on Anti D's because I was scared I'd get reliant on them or they'd turn me into a zombie with zero emotion.
Maybe it is time to bite the bullet though and go to the GP and see if I can try some medication.
I love my baby to pieces I dont want them growing up with a depressed, grumpy mummy.

I just started medication this week. Its too early to say if its going to help but the relief of telling my husband how I feel and telling a GP has really changed my mindset already.

My mother was depressed when I grew up which I definitely think hasn't helped me with emotion regulation. I was always the weird kid that didn't cry at bambi and found it hard to show affection.

I dont have kids but I feel like a lot of people put them first (to their own detriment) which seems the right thing on paper but its like the oxygen mask analogy. If you make sure you are healthy, then that helps your child to be healthy too!

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

I am physically ill and undergoing tests. My mental health just will not "settle", despite being on a new antidepressant for months. I don't know what to do. I've never experienced serious physical illness before so the two combined have knocked me off my feet.

My husband and I barely interact at the moment because he is depressed and anxious too. We are like ships in the night or we sit in silence. Neither of us has the brain to deal with it. I know we love each other and we still make time to hug and say I love you. I know it's all cyclical and better times will come. They have before. I need to keep telling myself.

I took for granted decent physical health. I've only ever known poor mental health so it became my normal.

The mind fog is great. I can't even concentrate on a benign TV show for some peace for my brain.

GP on Monday I think. Luckily I have a decent surgery now after spending years with a doc who left me hooked on diazepam. Still slowly weaning off that after almost 6 years

I've been on the EMDR waiting list since June 21st. They rang the other day but I'm currently too ill physically/unstable mentally to do trauma work again.

Sending my love to you all. I don't expect a response - I know everyone here is in a struggle. It just feels good to anonymously write things down.

 

[under the ivy]

Love to everyone over this weekend and into the New Year

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I just hate how good days are always followed by horrible ones. I was so cheerful yesterday night, and today I’m absolutely miserable. I can’t do anything at all, I just did the bare minimum at work and have been in bed all day completely debilitated by emotional numbness and self-hatred. It feels like I don’t deserve to be happy and when I am, I know I will be punished for that later.

 

[Jadejones9596]

A word of advice... I've just found the cutest little app called Finch, you get a little animal friend to look after by doing things for your wellbeing. There's quizzes and journalling and goal setting. I've had it a couple of days and I'm really enjoying it

 

[candyland_]

I tried to keep away from social media but I had a little look. A close family member went away for Christmas and it’s been so miserable for them, they did something stupid and nobody spoke to them (not out family) for the most part but of course on social media it was the best Christmas! It’s all fake - don’t believe the photos everyone posts about their happy, magical days because it’s mostly bollocks

 

[jarv]

Well I'm back back back again

I've been back at work now for just over a week. It's definitely hard. I'm just doing pure admin atm which is stuff I usually enjoy but every task seems so hard and I'm so slow. I feel useless.

My counsellor thinks I may have returned too quickly. I'm not sure what to do about that.

Depression makes no sense to me. Anxiety was easier in a way because I could pinpoint it and at least I could say I'm worried about x thing so I am going to do y to resolve it. Depression just isn't anything. It's empty. And it keeps smacking me in the face every chance it gets.

I am really hoping this is just a dip but I feel like since going back to work I am declining again.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m just sick of myself, it’s physical now, I’m nauseous and my brain is foggy. I still take my meds but they don’t seem to be working. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me but I wish it would stop.

 

[Daisy Steiner]

I haven't read any of this thread. But I pass a lot of my time reading the Katie Price threads lol.
I am 47, my life seems very pointless. There's not one day when I don't have feelings of wishing I wasn't here.
I've felt like this for at least the last 30 years. My family is not close, I see my parents once a year, not from choice, just because that's what is right apparently. Spend Xmas day with them. I dread it!
I just hate existing. Seriously wish I'd never been born.
Sorry for sharing, but that's how I feel.

 

[altgirl]

Does anyone else get stuck in a rut that because you can’t achieve your goals you see yourself as more of a failure? You end up feeling even worse about yourself and you’re left thinking what’s the point?

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

It feels like a slump I’m never going to be able to pull myself out of.

I hate how depression makes us feel like we are alone and stuck in a bad place. That is not true, you will get better even if you might not be feeling it now. Sending much love to you and everybody else who needs it I’m here for you!

 

[newaccount2022]

Thanks for the kind words ladies... I've had to close the laptop on my work for the day because I feel sick and teary which isn't like me at all, but I'll take the extra bit of time to keep sharing my feelings in the hope it will help. It isn't nice to hear others are struggling but there is definitely a comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

@StillLucilleBluth ; while flicking through the thread earlier I saw one of your posts and it definitely seemed like we are in similar situ's and going through similar things. I have been put on sertraline in the last month, not feeling any changes so far though. And yes it is so easy to compare yourself to your friends. Throughout the years I have always been the hopeless romantic of the group so it's a strange and isolating feeling to see my happy go lucky strong single friends just slot into long-term, stable relationships. I am scared that I am dangerously close to becoming resentful of them which is why I have been pulling back from meeting up and social situations for the past 6 months or so.

@LaBlonde ; thanks for your wisdom. I have definitely spent a long time focusing on creating a fulfilling life and for whatever reason my strength has slipped lately. I just feel like it's all for nothing. Yes my life is objectively nice but I don't want to keep doing this alone for the next 40 years. I definitely need to shake this hollow sadness and try enjoy things again. I love Kim Cattrall, another good quote I read recently went something like 'falling in love can be the icing on the cake, but cake is already pretty good on its own'. Hopefully I can keep that in mind more often.

@nothanksbabes ; I really resonated with your post. The pain in your heart is unlike any other pain and i definitely understand that inability to breathe as well. That will hit me at random times, like rolling over in bed and there's no one there, or if I have good news from work or hobbies I don't have that special someone to share it with. Lockdown was a very up and down time for me, at the beginning I honestly felt a tiny 'relief' that the pressure was off for a while as I physically couldn't go out and meet someone. Covid obviously then went on for much longer than I thought it would, and I now find myself 2-3 years older and still at square one. I cannot bring myself to do the apps or the blind dates anymore, it is the most soul destroying thing.


I think I will put the phone down for the afternoon and put on a good movie and a pizza thanks again to you all for your time. I often write down my feelings but it is so much more helpful to know someone is actually reading and understanding.

 

[nothanksbabes]

It's coming up to the 12 month anniversary of losing my mam. She died suddenly on mothers day and to be honest I feel so low/lonely everyday is a struggle. I have no real friends. I have a great husband and kids but she was my best friend my kids are old enough to have their in life pretty much, my youngest has asd and because it's profound I don't work. I feel I have little purpose In life other than cleaning/cooking. We can't afford a holiday or anything. I feel guilty especially with the awful situation in the Ukraine. But I just don't really enjoy life. I have always been a worrier but above and beyond what's normal a pathetic people pleaser and I'm overweight and disgusting! Nowhere else to say this so I wanted to say it here.

You're not pathetic or disgusting. You sound like you're going through an awful lot. Children are challenging at the best of times, never mind when you have a young child with asd, are living through a pandemic and a time of massive uncertainty, without much support outside the home and you've lost your mum on top of it all. The last thing you deserve is you being hard on yourself too - I'd be a wreck in your situation and I think you deserve some credit

 

[MissSunshine]

Sorry if it’s a really been discussed - but does anyone else get really angry as a depression symptom? Im fine if I take my meds but as soon as I forget, I’m awful. So angry with everyone and everything

 

[isabellalovescats]

Hello all,
I restarted my meds again last night. Was knocked out for at least 12 hours. Still super drowsy. I’ll be back to read the posts I missed!

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Yes, I’m struggling with that at the moment. It really sucks and I’m so sorry it’s happening to you too. It’s hard when you know what you’re doing, but it’s kind of overpowering. Anyone who doesn’t understand would just say, “don’t look her up then”, but it’s not that simple when it’s connected to a mental illness.

I think because I’m pretty depressed at the moment (and have just had a rough week of PMT), certain vulnerabilities come back from something I used to struggle with.

I wish I could offer some advice @Raymond Luxury-Yacht , I‘m sending solidarity though. I’m going to wash my hair, lose myself in a movie and see if that will help. Take care of yourself lovely, you deserve it. That goes for everyone here too x

Oh just knowing I’m not alone in this helps a lot! Thank you so much for your kind words and for reaching out, it means the world to me. I’m actually doing slightly better today, don’t want to jinx it but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was last week. I hope you overcome this, take care of yourself too How are you today?

Triggers? Absolutely!
It's a well-trodden path to go down where you know all the twists and turns and exactly what's going to happen. It's shit, isn't it?

I’d say the shittiest thing is that you know it’s wrong, yet you still keep on doing it. Can it be a sort of emotional self-harm?

It can be a hard habit to break but If you're just looking at her social media you're not doing any harm. You'll stop when you stop. Are you still in contact with this person?

Thanks goodness I’m not in contact with her. She just makes me feel jealous and pathetic but I tried to break down what exactly makes me feel pathetic and am working on it. Thank you

I’m also doing this at the moment and trying to ride it out. I’ll stop soon, but keep looking at my ex and his new ‘target’. Initially I was doing it out of safety because he was stalking me but now he’s gone official (very fast, typical narc) it’s like watching the calm before the storm. I know it’s unhealthy but not something I intend to do long-term. He was aiming for one colleague who got with another colleague and is now engaged, so I expect this one will be pregnant soon to up the ante.

Heard the young neighbours arguing before. They’re always at it. So many arguments remind me of ones I’ve had. It all just puts me off relationships. I don’t know whether I would want to trust again. I fully understand those couples who don’t live together now. It does get lonely on your own when you don’t have friends, but it would be nice to go out for dinner/on trips with someone.

I think I’m going to look into volunteering soon. I’ve put it off because I have so much stuff I want to learn but I’m procrastinating with that so might as well. Found a therapist who charges £45 which is the cheapest I’ve found, but I really need to clear some debts.

I’m happy to hear you got out of this unhealthy relationship! Well done, no need to make a step back. I hope you overcome this, you’ve got this

Yes to this and to @Raymond Luxury-Yacht. I think something to do with confirmation bias. Which I believe means our brains would rather we were unhappy (but predicatably so) than happy and “wrong” about something, if that makes sense. Has anyone ever discussed that with a therapist? For me it is one of my very biggest stumbling blocks and I seem not to be able to overcome it. I hate it when people say “it’s like you want to be unhappy” but I guess there is something to it?

That’s an interesting point. I’ve thought about this before and realised I almost don’t know how to be happy. Like, I’m always expecting something to go wrong, I feel like I don’t deserve good times and that they will pass soon.

@Raymond Luxury-Yacht thank you for asking, I've had a really bad time, but am coming through it now, I hate how it makes me feel, the lost days etc x
Hope everyone else on here are ok.

I’m so glad to hear that! You can do it!

I echo what everybody else has said @whatktdid. How are you doing today?

 

[TARDIS Blue]

This is a good idea. Really sorry all of you have to deal with this horrible illness everyday. I have decided I’m finally going to ring the doctor about my mental health. But I’m so scared. Can anyone give me advice on what to say to the doctor? I’m afraid I’ll clam up and my mind will go blank

Maybe write down your thoughts and show what you've written to your doctor? That's what I did. I express myself better in writing than in spoken word.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m struggling again today Just found out I have COVID and I’m unwell both mentally and physically. I’m sort of going through a rough patch at the moment, having gone off my ADs and not in therapy yet. I feel very lonely and like nobody needs me, which is not quite true as quite a few friends are reaching out to me but it doesn’t help much.I’m currently in bed in so much pain and just thought if I died right now, only 4-5 people would attend my funeral. It’s so silly but made me feel so down.
I also have huge self-worth issues due to growing up with narcs, it’s a vicious circle really, and I wonder whether I will ever be able to break out of it or spend the rest of my life like this.

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

I don’t know if any of you use tiktok but a sweet young girl called Lauren took her own life whilst in a mental health ward in the uk and I can’t stop thinking about how the system is letting people down so badly. To think your child would be safe there but ends up dying. It’s tragic.

 

[rainbowlemon]

You sound so wise Thank you for this post.

That first bit in my quote resonates so much. That’s why I look up my ex I guess, because it’s a way of still feeling connected and therefore avoiding the pain of accepting something is over?

On the journaling front, would you mind at some point (if you have time) sharing anything about how you journal? I do it a decent amount and I think it does help but sometimes I just feel like I’m ranting and moaning and not necessarily gaining much insight!

Thank you for the compliment. I'm still learning. I spent a very long time in therapy and also read a lot around it just trying to understand.

I think you've hit the nail! My favourite quote from Niles Crane is "The first step to healing is not to bury the pain but to feel it in it's fullest depths."

How long were you with your ex for?

Talking about something is not moaning and ranting is good in my book. I have my larger journal from paperchase and just write anything and everything. Money I spent. Places I went. Movie/ book I watched or read. Conversations I had word. Goals. Sometimes it would be doodles too. I don't think you should limit yourself because it's what's important to you in that moment. It's only when you look back can you see the changes that have occurred. I read the diary of Anne Frank every year, no way am I or will I ever be as articulate and self aware as she was at 15- but I don't have to be.

You can however also get journals with prompts too from Amazon. I would pick some for my sister. I got these questions from Tess holiday's instagram.

What if i had been loved from the start?
How would I have chosen differently if I had not learned to feel apologetic for my existence?
What could I have been if I had never been taught to question my worth?
How does it feel to not have to work at loving yourself?