The Depression Thread

[under the ivy]

Struggling today and I feel like a burden on people. I’m doing a PhD and it’s really stressful atm, I’m juggling a lot of tasks and I have a deadline. I’m still WFH and my university aren’t letting people back to use their workspaces yet, so I’m still at home. I have noisy neighbours and it gets really distracting having to listen to their music blaring out, even worse when it’s a heatwave and they’re constantly shouting and laughing in the garden! I feel such a bore for saying that So I end up not being able to work or fully concentrate, which then triggers my anxiety and then I feel so low for not completing all of my tasks!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hi there, never posted in this thread before, but sending so many positive thoughts to you all.
I’ve had pretty bad depression for a couple of years now.
Does anyone else struggle with the summertime? I usually LOVE summer, bright sunny weather, but just now I feel like I hate it. I can’t enjoy anything (again, this is not what I’m really like), and it feels like this weather just makes everything to bright and “loud” if that makes sense? I feel like such a twat complaining about sunshine But it just feels like everything’s too much.

 

[hereforthememe]

I'm really struggling today

I take antidepressants and they've been helping, but I went on a night out last night and I don't even think it's a hangover, more the fact alcohol is a depressant and it's just set me back

I'm in bed about to go to sleep already and hope this shit feeling passes I don't need to get up until 7 and the idea that I'm about to have 10 hours of nothing pass me by is both a relief and even more depressing. Like I'm wishing my life away

Meh.

 

[PumpkinKing]

I eventually spoke to my Dr after stupidly stopping my tablets and he was really nice and understanding, currently on a lower dose to start but the hot flushes are awful (even in this freezing weather).
The past week has been awful, my daughter told my dad she was suicidal and couldn't handle life anymore. I've barely been able to sleep with worry. She won't let me refer her to CAMHS, she said they didn't help last time but thankfully she seems to be improving a little. This is why I need to keep going, I need to be there for my children not religious but I'm praying for a better year for us and everyone on this thread

 

[hereforthememe]

I think I'm going to be alone at Christmas I know it isn't really a big deal, and I'll be seeing family a few days later, but I dunno... Just to be sat at home on my own, which I do every day anyway makes me feel down

 

[Blahblahahaaa77]

I didn’t think it was possible to be this sad …
- I had an ectopic pregnancy in march
- I had a miscarriage in September
- I just lost my job
- My boyfriends disappeared
- I’m stuck in another county as my job wasn’t in the UK

I just feel so lost. I went for a walk by the river earlier and was like wouldn’t it be nice to not be here anymore. My mums flying in on Saturday so i just need to be strong until then but wow this is hard.

 

[Lilu22]

I don’t know if this is the place for this so we’ll see but I’m very guarded, keep my walls up and don’t really let people in. However a few days ago, I broke down to my closest friend. Explained that I’ve been really struggling mentally and their response was “you got through it last time, just do that again,”

Is it wrong for me to feel annoyed/bad by their response? Am i making a mountain out of a mole hill?

 

[ordinaryjelly]

Could anyone advise is this person rude or is it me? I was talking today in the street with a neighbour, general chit chat etc and we got onto talking about another very elderly neighbour who has come out of hospital etc, then went into a recovery place and is now home.She has home carers coming in and her son hasn't really been around etc and yet another neighbour has had to help out etc...
Anyway the lady said to me what are you going to do when your old and all this happens to you and you have absolutely nobody to help you etc? I'm not married and I don't have kids etc. I was just a bit shocked really for someone to come out with that. I mean anything could happen and I'm not forced to get that old, my Dad died young and also no one has needed care in my family either. Is it me being oversensitive or the neighbour being rude?

I think your neighbour is being rude. I'd say something like "having children doesn't guarantee they will care for me in old age and what if a husband died first, anyway?"

No one knows what needs we may have in our old age. I have a 43 year old neighbour who needs carers due to poor health and a Grandma who lived to 99 independently in her own home. Try and let her words float into your head and out again, they are junk mail.

 

[Penguin86]

Guess who is not sleeping again

 

[Pixipoppy]

I think what people don’t realise how frustrating it is when we’re told “don’t suffer in silence, ask for help” only to realise there really isn’t any help out there. Sometimes I find speaking to the Samaritans helpful, I don’t expect to get any support from my gp. Luckily although my mental health is bad I still have a lot of good days where I’m functional and can make up for the bad days I suppose.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I still have my ups and downs. Just trying to take it moment by moment as cliched as that sounds. I just came back from my evening walk so feeling pretty okay. I felt my best when I was doing gym 6 days a week but I'm nowhere near my old fitness level so just starting with more walking.

I think maybe reframing it would work. Everytime you look her up maybe you just want connection.

If it was a toxic relationship there are things such as trauma bonds which make it hard to give someone up.

Being and feeling jealous doesn't make you pathetic They are just feelings and adding more shame and guilt on top doesn't help us. I say this all the time but journaling will help you understand your why.

" I’m always expecting something to go wrong,"

This reads as classic hypervigillence for me. I grew up in a home with a lot of domestic violence. I never really felt safe because It wasn't. Learning to calm your nervous system will help with this. What small things can you do to make yourself feel safer? It was having a thick blanket and candles when I was over sitimulated.

I still struggle with not feeling like I have any selfworth- I've been trying to work on myself esteem. It might sound woo, but I bought a new one line a day journal which arrived this week. Just writing one positive affirmation and things I'm grateful for. I also listen to self esteem affirmations on youtube (on day 3). The thing is if you hear something over and over again you will start to believe it.

 

[watermelon sugar]

Hi everyone, I've never posted on this thread before. I've suffered depression since I was a teen, I was diagnosed with BPD a few years back. I go on very big highs and major lows. Mainly lows. Especially when I've had a good day. I can laugh and laugh and laugh and still come home and feel empty inside. I feel so empty at the moment, like there is just nothing inside me. I just feel like lying down and crying. Idk why.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

My antidepressants aren’t working, I’ve been on them a few months, gradually increased the dose and I just feel like a zombie.
It’s so annoying because I’ve used this same medication a couple of years ago and it really helped then. I know I’ll be ok eventually but right now I just feel like I’m back to square one and I’ve lost hope.

 

[eggbutty]

Hi all, hope its okay to jump in.
I've had on/off depression & anxiety since my teens (late 20s now) I had CBT about 8/9 years ago which did help somewhat.
The anxiety is always there, just some days are better than others. Depression on the other hand seems to be controlled for a while, then I'll go into a huge spiral
I'm currently in one of those spirals and I think its Post natal depression, little one is 7 months old.
I feel so guilty though because I have what a lot of couples struggle to get, what do I have to be depressed about?!
I can only describe it as every day feels like a slog, wading through mud almost. Little tasks feel like the hardest thing ever & I'm very very irritable.
I've never been on Anti D's because I was scared I'd get reliant on them or they'd turn me into a zombie with zero emotion.
Maybe it is time to bite the bullet though and go to the GP and see if I can try some medication.
I love my baby to pieces I dont want them growing up with a depressed, grumpy mummy.

 

[justheretoread99]

Just found this thread and it’s upsetting but refreshing to hear I’m not alone in this feeling.
I feel just so tired, tiredness that isn’t cured from sleep. I feel like I’m not achieving what I want, like I’ve not fulfilled my goals. I’m 28 and still living with my parents and my relationship with my mum is toxic, I cannot wait to leave. Hopefully soon.

I feel like a really heavy sheet is constantly on top of my head, like a huge weight. And weight?! Well that’s another issue in itself. I need to loose at least 3 stone but I’m constantly self sabotaging, I use food to cure my feelings but in fact I feel worse. I’ve not opened up to anyone except my boyfriend who was supportive but I don’t want to keep badgering him, he has his own demons that he’s battling and I want to support him as much as I can. I feel like medication is on the horizon but so many horror stories out there about becoming dependant and the side effects.. are they worth it? Would love to hear personal views on this.
Anyway I’m thinking out loud but sorry for the verbal diarrhoea x

I’m also 28 (single) and still live with parents.
Definitely talk to your GP, they may even suggest talking therapies before medication. I started on Sertraline but it didn’t agree with me at all. Had some very dark thoughts while on those tablets.
I’m on Propranolol and Amitriptyline atm. Although I can’t say I feel better I just feel numb.


Having a really bad day today. Does anyone else get mimicked about their mental health?

Ive had that awful sense of dread and pain in my chest all day. Haven’t left my bed, haven’t been to work. My mum came in my room and asked if I was ok. I said “No, I’ve got the worst pain and heavyness in my chest” she just sighed, then mimicked me in a high pitch voice and shut my door.

Spoiler: Trigger warning

Genuinely feel like self-harming just to take my mind off the mental torture. But I’m going to be a bridesmaid in a few months and don’t want any ugly scars on show and to ruin the photos. I self harmed up my arms last year and the scars have just about gone.

My close friends are supportive, but I don’t want to burden them anymore. The thought of ringing my GP almost sends me into a meltdown. You have to ring on the day to get an appointment, phone lines open at 8:30am. Most days they’re engaged and when you finally get through you’re put into a queue and then on hold for up to 2 hours. The receptionists are god awful and sometimes I end up putting the phone down in tears because of how they speak to you. Numerous people have complained and put in formal complaints but nothing gets done.

Really feel like I’m a lost cause. I’ve had CBT, counselling and hypnotherapy all haven’t helped and make me feel worse. Don’t want to try any other medication because of all the physical side affects. My parents clearly don’t understand. Sorry for the long post, talking out loud makes me feel worse but typing it all down is a little bit of a release.

 

[Underhiseye]

Bloody miserable tonight. I hate this time of year, reminds me of everything I don’t have. Not felt this low for a while but that just makes it harder to deal with when it does get bad, hate my stupid brain

 

[kachoochoo]

my anxiety's really done a number on me today. I cannot stop thinking, my skin is crawling and it's exhausting me

l I just want to enjoy life without having all this shit in my head, is that really too much to ask?

 

[lemonlime]

Met with a couple friends to have coffee today as it was her birthday for one of them. Fuck's sake I'm so tired of pretending to be feeling anything at all around people. I can't remember the last time where I came home and my fake smile or "people face" immediately didn't change into a blank stare. I feel like I am contantly pretending to be normal and forcing myself to act in a way that is expected of me in any social situation. Thursday night was another friend's birthday and I truly adore her with all my heart, but towards the end of my stay there, I started to feel that I was almost on auto-pilot. I was saying things that I should say, laughing at things that I should laugh at and genuinely appearing to be having a good time but I swear I felt my consciousness rise above me and watch my phsyical self do these things as I thought "I just wanna go home". I'm really happy that I'm not in the same place I was a decade ago as I could barely leave my home to do my shopping, but I am also tired of everything being a struggle. I don't even want to be normal anymore, I just want to be left alone and do things at my own pace. Thank god for masks because for now, I can keep my hollow stare on and they'll just assume they can't read my expression because of the mask.

Edit: Feeling worse for having written this because admitting how I am actually feeling (apart from passing cynical comments and sarcastic jokes) feels like finally giving into this and jinxing myself when I am at least functioning. This is shit.

 

[Warpaint]

You know, the other day I was doing okay and thinking, we are understanding and supportive of other people with chronic illnesses, why don’t we try to be understanding and supportive of ourselves? While it does not always have physical symptoms, depression is pretty much a chronic illness and can be debilitating. At first it was difficult to think of myself as ill, but it helped me on my way to being at peace with myself. It does not define me, but it is part of who I am.

I just wish I could follow my own advice sometimes, today nothing seems to help much and I’m so sad. It’s my birthday soon, I hate it with a passion as I feel like I only grow older and watch my life go by when my peers have successful careers, money and satisfying love lives.

Someone once told me when you're thinking negative thoughts about yourself imagine screaming them at a child version of yourself. It's meant to be like stopping to think that you're just hurting something within you. You wouldn't wish those things on a younger you so you should try not to project within. (Not advice or anything just something I was told as a bit of a different strategy for dealing with thoughts)

 

[LittleMy]

I’m struggling at the moment and I’m putting a front on. I’m currently crying my eyes out in bed. I can hear people outside in their gardens having fun and it’s hurting me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Ive had depression since I was 13 and it comes and goes. It’s been really bad this week. I feel lonely and sad. I have a lot of pressure on me through various things and I just want the world the stop.

Love you my girl. I know you’ve got it tough just now, but know you can talk to us anytime. We would never judge you