TW- Substance misuse and suicide attempts.
Hi everyone, i havent posted on here for a while.
Many of you know, i have mental health issues and past substance misuse issues (i will regret the day my gp ever gave me opiates!). Since July 2020 i have been off work (im a social worker by profession). I got diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 2, and i have been living a very sheltered life since then (i did try and kill myself and was sectioned). My partner has been brilliant, i mean i have literally been treated like a kid, had to tell my partner and family where i was going etc. Its not as bad as it sounds, they did it initially so i couldnt go and buy oxycontin which now im very grateful for. At the time i wasnt happy because if anyone knows- being dope sick is a very real thing.
Anyway, my life has literally been me not seeing anyone, i dont even have social media anymore. I get the kids up and ready for school, and some days i go back to bed until its time to pick them up. I have had no energy or motivation to do anything. Its embarrassing that im 35 and i still feel like a teenager. And the person i was 10 years ago seems like a completely different person.
Anyway, for a few weeks i have felt that im ready to do something with my life. I am sick of feeling like this, i just want a nice routine, and i want to go back and earn some money. (I get PIP for my mental health), some sick pay and Child Benefit, but its not a lot and for the first time ever i am struggling a little with money.
Last weekend i saw a job advertised for a charity. Its a "peer liaison recovery worker" for a charity, based at the police station. Part of the requirements was lived experience in either mental health, drugs and alcohol, or criminal justice. And for the first time i felt excited and feel i could support others who have gone through similar to me. Plus the fact i am actually a "professional" so i have been on both sides of services- i have been both a professional and service user. The hours are only 15 hours a week, but i think thats good because i havent been in work since June 2020. So i have talked with them and i have an interview arranged for Wednesday. They sounded really positive and think i have all the right experience (im sure they say that to everyone though!). But they said it would be really beneficial for me to share my story with the interviewers, and that is what i am scared of. What if they think i still have too many issues. I dont want to come across badly. I am scared incase it goes against me even though they said lived experience is so important to the role. I am half tempted to fuck it off even though its the first time i have felt excited about something in a long time. The money is not as good as my full time social work position, but im not even doing it for the money tbh.
I guess i am just scared as its the first time i am putting myself out there, and im trying not to get my hopes up even though i would love this opportunity and i feel i would have a lot to offer (based on both my professional and my personal experience). My partner said its up to me, in the past when i have talked about going back to work he said it was a bad idea, but even he can see the positives of this. For years i worked non stop as a social worker, working every day until midnight, it was very demanding and i burnt out. Whereas this position- i wont have the same level of responsibility, its not as good money wise (although if you actually break down the exact amount of hours i actually worked as a social worker it ended up about £2 per hour regardless of the decent salary!). But it would get me out of the house a couple of days a week, it will get me into a nice little routine, and i hope it will transfer some motivation into other aspects of my life.
I know there is no guarentee i will even get the job, and im trying not to get my hopes up, but im worried that if i talk about my suicide attempt then they will think i have too much lived experience, if that makes sense! I dont want to come across badly, and they said they want me to share my story. I dunno, im probably over thinking it all.
Sorry for waffling on, i havent told anyone about this and i figured this was the best place.
Struggling a lot at the minute with everything. Trying to find a job at the minute and whenever I get the chance to have an interview I always seem to think of the negatives as to why that job wouldn’t suit me (distance/pay etc) but in reality I feel as though it’s my lack of energy and constant sadness putting off doing it. I’m alone almost all week apart from 2/3 nights when I’m with my boyfriend. He’s out all day most days and goes home and goes to sleep, I’m awake all night alone constantly thinking and endless crying over feeling so alone in life. 
I hope they manage to get you sorted too. I got myself so worked up before the appointment that I was shaking as I talked to the doctor. And I needn’t have because she was so understanding and helpful! It honestly feels like such a weight off my shoulders to have just told someone. I hope you feel the same on Monday! Keep us updated!
I’m not bad enough to see a perinatal mental health team apparently. Long waiting list for any talking therapies. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for over 15 years. Explained that I would never harm myself but I constantly think what is the point of being alive feeling like this so much of the time?
