The Depression Thread

[Ninch55]

My GP has put me back on Citalopram today - I get so paranoid when I have to call the doctor but this particular one is absolutely amazing. She’s signed me off work, told me she’ll extend the sick note if I need it and, most importantly, told me that she trusts me with my mental health management because I’ve proved it to her time and again. That made me cry. Everyone should have a doctor like her. I’ve been so desperate over the last few months it’s been horrendous. Hopefully 2022 will be better for all of us, I really hope so xx

 

[Jaybtee]

My mental health nurse based in my GP surgery is just awful. I actually cancelled my appointment with her after i called up desperate to talk to her. I told her i had lost nearly three stone in 9 months and she said well why don't you eat (scoffing at me down the phone). I have a history of depression and panic attacks/cbt/tablets but when she speaks to me its like i am bothering her - its literally ur fucking job to help me. "I dont know what u think i can do for you" help me please! Not make me cry more on the phone because your dismissing my problems. I have a badly behaved child (just got CAHMS involvement) and the situation with her school refusal really contributes to the state of my mental health. What did my mental health nurse tell me? Go watch supernanny on youtube.
Why would you make someone feel like theres no hope when it is actually your job to hear your patients out. So dangerous

 

[Cupcakeapple]

This is a good idea. Really sorry all of you have to deal with this horrible illness everyday. I have decided I’m finally going to ring the doctor about my mental health. But I’m so scared. Can anyone give me advice on what to say to the doctor? I’m afraid I’ll clam up and my mind will go blank

 

[Penguin86]

At this point I don't even know why I'm alive

 

[barmcake]

I've been wandering around this draughty old house like Miss Havisham. Sometimes a good old fashioned cup of tea and a natter with a friend is better than therapy. I invite you all to an imaginary cuppa and cake this afternoon at 3 pm. Let's keep it weird! Sending lots and lots xxxx

 

[isabellalovescats]

I am very low and lonely today. I realized yesterday that I started liking someone and I really hate that feeling. Because everyone leaves. I am so lonely but so mortified to get attached to people again. I don’t know how to cope with that. I am scared.

 

[caterday28]

I am currently having a bit of a hard time. I'm feeling so, so low inside, Cripplingly sad, desperate, and hopeless. But I cannot express it. It's just stuck inside. I want to cry, but I can't. I'm blank. It's a bizarre juxtaposition of being numb yet incredibly emotional. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm turning to old and very unhelpful behaviours to try and cope.

 

[Chrisxo]

I was at a funeral yesterday spent it staring at the coffin wishing it was me inside. The pain is too much I want it to end

 

[justheretoread99]

Am I the only one who thinks this comments is quite tone-deaf? Assuming most people here are self-diagnosed is quite offensive and this is a safe and supportive space for everyone anyway.

It’s from a new account and one of their posts on here is now: “The requested post could not be found.”

I hate to throw the word “troll” about but… probably just a troll wanting a reaction. (Im calm now I’ve given them my reaction)

Hope everyone is doing okay
Please no one ever feel invalidated or that you’re wasting anyone’s time. Especially GP’s and mental health services. I know some can be crap (really crap), but we all deserve help and support when we need it. No matter how small others may see it.

 

[Cosmicpixiesb]

Just found this thread after mainly reading the gossip on Tattle. 5 years ago I watched someone I was close to die. Had no leave left had to crack on in work. Got a new job then a promotion fairly quickly, new relationship - was so happy! Someone on my team I was managing had a personality disorder and was so awful to me I almost completely broke down but pushed through. Then the pandemic hit and I was working from home. Managing a team of 15 where 95% had mental health issues and managed to get through / support them enough to get them through it. I had a horrible boss who came at me when I was crying and stressed and ripped me to shreds. I was in tatters and close to going sick. Following day I find out I've been offered another job so gives me incentive for next few months. Start counselling and diagnosed with compassion fatigue. Two weeks off before new job. Start and people are amazing. But then the work load gets crazy. Not afraid of hard work and super organised but was tough for me to deal with. Added to this in background been trying at 39 for first baby for 18 months no joy and sister in law gets pregnant. Was honest with new boss about what I had been through from start and very understanding. Ended up having line management responsibilities even though I took the role to get away from this. Built and built last few months. Had stress risk assessment, moving to compressed hours and got OCC health soon. Kept saying get to Xmas for break. Then we had a rat infestation. But this weekend I broke. Couldn't face going back. And I finally admitted to myself I was not coping and made a GP appointment today. I feel shame and relief in equal measures. But at least it's moving it into my control.

 

[isabellalovescats]

@Libbylulu Thank you so much for sharing. It makes me feel less alone and I’m very grateful you’re voicing your experiences. Please don’t say sorry for your post. I’m sure it will be so helpful to a lot.

@jarv I know it’s not easy. Sending you all my hugs and I hope you find the meds that work for you! Keep us updated if you’d like and I’m here if you want to talk. We will get through hard times (virtually) together.

Marking as a spoiler as well. Similar to @Libbylulu, my then partner found me during my attempt in 2015 Dec. He saved my life and we held each other and cried all day. I no longer talk to that saint of a person but I’m glad he saved me because 2016 ended up one of the best years of my life. Had my second attempt in late 2018 after my adopted father/uncle passed away unexpectedly from a very late diagnosis of cancer. Was hospitalized and ultimately the doctors saved my life but I’ve been struggling since then. Depression is very heavy and it’s particularly heavy at the moment. I’ve been ideating for a month now but I’m trying my best to not let my passive suicidal thoughts turn active. It’s a little easier when you have other people who understand in your corner. I’m glad this thread exists.

 

[Lord Voldemort]

I honestly can't cope with my mood swings.
My sleep is shit, I've been awake 24 hours & my brain won't shut up even though I'm on heavy doses of medication
I swear I have like, an opposite seasonal affective disorder, where i get more depressed in summer?? Weird.
I feel kinda bad because i have literally had some of the best mental health treatment you could get...yet I am still struggling.
Feel a bit like I've wasted all that NHS money

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I just feel so down today. I don’t feel suicidal per se since I’m on medication, but I am so numb and not excited about life. I have some goals and dreams but am too worn out to do anything to fulfil them. I thought 2022 would be a fresh start but it does not seem like it. Sometimes I think people like me will never be happy, and I will just end up aimlessly wandering through life.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m really struggling today. I really haven’t been the same since losing my brother-in-law, I think about him every day and see him in my dreams all of the time. Now with me being due on soon and all the worries associated with upcoming Christmas I feel even worse. It seems like my life has no meaning.

 

[TheGlossy]

I really hope everyone on this thread gets relief from whatever it is you are personally going through

Does anyone feel like crying but physically not even shed a single tear even though you have that feeling in your chest that just wants to come out but simply can't? It's as though there is a disconnect between emotions and your body. Crying would bring me a lot of relief, but my body is not following.

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

I read this thread from page 1 last night. Just by sharing, you all helped me through. I apologize if by reacting to very old posts, I dredged up old feelings for you. I’m sorry. I don’t know where to start sharing my own issues, every time I want to type something, it catches like a lump in my throat, my chest. I feel the same about picking up the phone to get help. Maybe I’ll have the strength one day, but just wanted to say thanks for the honesty and support shown on this thread.

 

[nothanksbabes]

I love to see the community on this thread but to be honest it is hard for me to post here, when I pictured my life and what it would be like I never imagined that I would struggle like this and would need to turn to strangers on the internet.

I am suffering with extreme loneliness which is causing depression. I am a grown adult, well-groomed, chirpy and happy to everyone I meet.. I would 'know' a lot of people locally to say hello to and would always have a smile for everyone, but I have always kept my actual circle very close and only have a couple of real friends. They are great but they are all in established relationships and living with their partners. In my head I picture myself as being miles away from people, like i'm in a different dimension. I do all the routines, got my masters degree, got a job, I volunteer, I maintain myself well, I love skincare, my home is kept well, I walk, I lift weights, I socialize, I spend time with myself, I read, I try new food. But if anyone were to watch me closely it's just me, moving around on my own, going home on my own, sitting in the living room alone, getting into bed alone. When I do my grocery shop I have to double check stuff can go in the freezer, it's usually too big a pack/portion for a single person. There's always a minimum spend to order a takeaway so I have to order two meals and put one in the fridge.

I'd love to have a partner to go for a walk with, spend a weekend in a hotel, watch stupid TV and laugh about it. I put on such a show every day that sometimes when I get home I will become paralysed with exhaustion and sadness and sit and stare at the wall. It has been years of dating apps, blind dates, meeting people in the pub, meeting people at hobbies, deciding to stop looking for love, giving up. I cannot look my friends in the eye anymore when they insist it will happen for me some day because in reality I know it just doesn't happen for some people. When I have to think of my life living alone for the rest of my life, managing finances in this expensive world, being in my 50s or 60s, retirement.. all alone. It's not what I ever wanted for myself. And I know the deeper I fall into the depression and negativity the less attractive I am but I just feel worthless and hopeless.

I felt exactly like this for years and it is unbearable, you are absolutely not alone in this. I just knew I was one of those people who was going to end up alone. I have a good social life and by all accounts I'm attractive and funny and people were baffled that I was single. I attracted plenty of men but never anyone decent. And I knew being in a relationship wasn't the be all and end all, but the people who tell you that are always in relationships aren't they? It was so incredibly painful because I just felt like I wasn't a real person, like I did a load of hobbies and worked and read books and had a great life from the outside but I was so cripplingly lonely when I got home at night I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was observing life from the outside, sometimes it was like I wouldn't make it through the next five minutes let alone the next five years. The pandemic and lockdowns were particularly hard being pretty much the only single person I knew.

I'm not going to tell you things will change or get easier (although change one way or another is inevitable), I just wanted to share my experience with you because I always thought I was the only one who felt that way. Thinking of you

 

[Penguin86]

Didnt enjoy being forced to celebrate at all.
Just want my bed and some junk food

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

I have maybe a weird question but am curious if it’s just me who thinks like this... I’m British and love the sun and warm weather, especially as it’s so rare here, but does anyone else ever find it stressful when it’s sunny? If I don’t have plans, when it’s sunny I can start to feel down and beat myself up. I live on my own and look out of the window at families and couples having fun, and I feel like I should be out enjoying it but sometimes I just don’t feel like it and it makes me feel like a total weirdo for not just going out and chilling in the sun like everyone else. Then I get into this cycle of knowing I should do something, not doing it and then feeling more irritated with myself. In a way it’s easy to relax at home when it’s rainy as nobody expects you to be out and about loving life! The sun just puts so much pressure on me. What a ridiculous thing to say, I know!

Not a new concept, but an interesting perspective not often talked about. I’m sharing in case it helps anyone.

We’ve Got Depression All Wrong. It’s Trying to Save Us.

Common wisdom says depression starts in the mind with distorted thinking. But newer models suggest depression starts when the body initiates a defense strategy to help us survive.

www.psychologytoday.com

This is really interesting, thank you for sharing!

I’ve pretty much finished with the teaching element of first year and will just be on placement for the rest of the year and feel a little disappointed with how this year’s gone. I’ve made a few friends who I’d sit with and talk to during seminars but haven’t actually got to go out or do anything outside of attending university for taught sessions. Whenever I ask if any of them want to go out they can’t (2 of them are older with children and the others seem content with just attending seminars and going straight home). There’s a board game society that meets once a week that I’m thinking about going to tomorrow but am nervous about just walking in on my own. I’m not really that interested in games but I just want to go to something to socialise with people outside of my family. How do you make friends when you’re still living at home?

I think the board game thing is a great idea! I’d be nervous too, but if it was me I think I’d count it as doing my “one thing per day that scares me” and go along. Even if you don’t like it, you can always come back home and do something like have a nice bath or watch your favourite stuff on Netflix or eat some chocolate. In fact, if you have that all lined up anyway and you have a great time, you can turn it into a reward for trying something new

 

[Jadejones9596]

Morning
just feel so desperately awful and I just dont know which way to turn.


For a few days I will be so happy and upbeat and content and then it'll just all go and I will be so so low and not want to be here anymore


I am losing all hope and I really do think that I am meant to be unhappy, I see guys I like and they never like me back, some guys like me but I don't like them back. The only possible answer is that I am simply not meant to be loved. Why do I get tortured by not having one good relationship or just any romantic prospects. I've had a hard enough life why can't the universe give me a bloody break


I'm so sorry but I'm at the end of my tether I just dont know what to do. What's the point of deluding myself and carrying on, I know im never meant to meet someone special and be loved in that way

Thanks for letting me rant x