The Depression Thread #2

[Agent Cooper]

I'm having a real stressfull time at the moment, which I know will end up with me being bad, I don't know what to do about it, it's so frustrating, I'm still in bed, my head is mashed. Hoping to speak to someone later to get their take on the situation, but at this moment I just want to crawl away and hide.
Hugs to you all on here x

I am sorry to hear that, Maid22! I hope you find someone who can help you. You always have us here if you need someone to talk to!

Hope everyone is managing to stay afloat


I have therapy soon. Managed to email her yesterday and tell her I’m really not okay…
So am really anxious about this morning.

I’m sorry to hear you feeling this way, but congrats on reaching for help and getting therapy! Hope your therapist is lovely and can help you.
P.S. The flowers you’ve got are so beautiful

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Those flowers really are stunning Red roses are my favourite. You know I'd never think of just buying myself flowers! Must endeavour to do that someday.

 

[Pollyanna263]

I try to always have flowers, but I haven’t had any for over a week and so this afternoon I went to Tesco just to get some.
(It also means I go into a shop, which I have to make myself do because otherwise I just wouldn’t)

It’s truly my absolute favourite self-care. And that’s what it is. I don’t look at it as a treat, I look at is as a necessity to give me something beautiful to look at if I need grounding.

I only ever usually buy the £3 roses and £3 freesias, or the £5 rainbow tulips, and they always last well over a week, so I figure that’s better than a bottle of wine or a load of chocolate! (I might buy that too but shh)
The act of going and choosing the ones I want on that day makes my brain focus for a few minutes, too, and shuts out all the other noise for a little while.

I recommend it to you all, buy yourself the damn flowers

Trying to hold it all together today at work. Not long got in. Had a long shower- a cry.

The anxiety has been bad this weekend. I don’t know why or how. Always there, like an inner voice that won’t leave me alone.

I’ve been working on eating better but then I overeat. Been trying to drink more water.

Tomorrow is a new day

@Good Egg hope the anxiety from the weekend has settled a little? Well done on the shower, that can feel impossible sometimes.

——

I'm having a real stressfull time at the moment, which I know will end up with me being bad, I don't know what to do about it, it's so frustrating, I'm still in bed, my head is mashed. Hoping to speak to someone later to get their take on the situation, but at this moment I just want to crawl away and hide.
Hugs to you all on here x

@Maid22 how are you doing? Did you manage to speak with someone? Share your stresses here, if it will help

——

Best of luck with therapy xx

My husband is taking his dad BACK to the hospital again as he's not happy with him - this is the 3rd time in a month

@Fanny Muchmore hope your FIL is okay? So much on your shoulders with no break for you
From your earlier post - I hadn’t heard of sound healing, it looks fab. So pleased you liked it.

——

@or JusRollWithIt & @MillionDollarBaby I see you on the other thread but hope you’re okay

 

[newaccount2022]

Thinking of everyone today, tried to post on my lunch break at work but got interrupted.

Seems like it’s a stressful/low week for a lot of us, for different reasons. im glad to have this thread, it’s like catching up with a few friends in the evenings. I collected my anti-d’s from the chemist, giving it another 6 months on the Sertaline (100mg). Being new at work has been nerve wracking but luckily everyone has been very kind. I am diagnosed with OCD as well and hoping not to have a bad flare during my training period.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

My father in law has been admitted again - his potassium levels are dangerously high and his GFR (kidney function) is very low. When he was discharged last Thursday it was 36, today it was down to 13.

He did have kidney failure several years ago and had to go on dialysis in the ICU, and thankfully that gave his kidneys a chance to heal. Hopefully it won't come to needing that this time, but we will wait and see.

Feel like I'm on my last nerve and it's shredded to hell.

 

[Pollyanna263]

My father in law has been admitted again - his potassium levels are dangerously high and his GFR (kidney function) is very low. When he was discharged last Thursday it was 36, today it was down to 13.

He did have kidney failure several years ago and had to go on dialysis in the ICU, and thankfully that gave his kidneys a chance to heal. Hopefully it won't come to needing that this time, but we will wait and see.

Feel like I'm on my last nerve and it's shredded to hell.

That must be so hard, especially with your husband’s worries on top of your own.

Remember that there’s nothing more you can do, than what you have done.

He’s in the absolute best place to get the best help, I hope he starts to improve quickly x

 

[Jotham]

Saw this quote on Instagram this morning. It helped me go through my day and I hope it helps you go through yours too.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Just written a v long post elsewhere so I won’t here…

Sending to you all and those flowers are just beautiful.

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

Beautiful flowers Pol!
I’m doing ok, not great, but ok is better than bad.

Work has been a pretty big trigger of some horrific anxiety lately but I had a long chat with my boss the other day and he’s been slowly moving me away from some projects cause he wants me to take the lead on something big coming up. In my head I was about to lose my job cause more and more things were being taken away from me.

My head then tells me if I don’t have my job they’ll take my LO away. Same reason I didn’t tell anyone about my PND, I was convinced they’d take her away.

Stupid bloody brains being nasty to us and telling us lies. It’s so unfair.

 

[Pollyanna263]

No need to read. Just brain dumping my day to try and switch off.

I had therapy this morning. I ended it feeling absolutely exhausted, as if I’d done an EMDR session, which I hadn’t. We’d just talked.
I missed last week at the last minute because of the dog emergency (which is almost better, and easing one weight thank goodness), and I had a hospital appt for my littlest last week (which is a very, very hard place for me to go) so I really needed today.

I’d felt like I was just going over and over the same thing, any question she asked I ended up linking it back to this one part (we’re dealing with PTSD from birth) but at the end she said that I’d done really well. She said I was beginning to process it today.
That’s been such a long time coming. I don’t believe her (of course, stupid brain) but I’m trying to remember that any progress is still progress.

Then this afternoon, I had a GP appointment that I booked weeks ago. Finally got a plan to start reducing my current meds, to swap onto new. My GP is bloody amazing. I was with her about 20 minutes and left feeling like I actually have someone in my corner. Seeing her again in 2 weeks, and have Psych next week.

Feel like I’ve worked hard today! Would love a glass of wine, but am starting reducing meds tonight so think best not!

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

Stupid bloody brains being nasty to us and telling us lies. It’s so unfair.

Yup. My brain is currently telling me the company I’m interviewing with are “going quiet” since their last email, and that they’ll have decided I’m not even interview-worthy. Or they don’t have headcount any more. Argh. I wish I didn’t always believe good things would be taken away from me.

My GP is bloody amazing. I was with her about 20 minutes and left feeling like I actually have someone in my corner.

Happy to read this update and hear about the major progress you’ve made today! Maybe choc instead of wine? And regarding the GP bit - I thank the lord that I somehow ended up with a wonderful one too. The best I’ve ever had. I never feel rushed or dismissed. It makes the world of difference. (And it all stemmed from a recommendation someone on Tattle made, to ask my practice for an appointment with a GP who specialises in MH. It would never have occurred to me to do that, so yet again, Tattle comes through with the goods )

Saw this quote on Instagram this morning. It helped me go through my day and I hope it helps you go through yours too.

View attachment 1257408

This is beautiful. And the perfect mix of positive and practical. Thank you.

 

[Maid22]

@Agent Cooper and @Pollyanna263 thanks for asking, no I didn't get to talk to anyone, they were too busy, I get that alot so am used to it by now.
I've had a real low one today, suffered bad with anxiety last night, first time in months, so no sleep,
I've always felt like I've fallen through the cracks with my GP, he just prescribes my meds and gave me an address for councelling, which had months waiting list, I've been like this for years, so deal with it on my own, sorry I don't mean to come across as a pity party, I've been tit on by so many people over years, I don't trust anyone anymore.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Beautiful flowers Pol!
I’m doing ok, not great, but ok is better than bad.

Work has been a pretty big trigger of some horrific anxiety lately but I had a long chat with my boss the other day and he’s been slowly moving me away from some projects cause he wants me to take the lead on something big coming up. In my head I was about to lose my job cause more and more things were being taken away from me.

My head then tells me if I don’t have my job they’ll take my LO away. Same reason I didn’t tell anyone about my PND, I was convinced they’d take her away.

Stupid bloody brains being nasty to us and telling us lies. It’s so unfair.

I totally understand the fear of children being removed. Even though I have no reason to think they would be - no matter how I feel, they are always, without question, cared for.

It holds me back even now, I don’t ever admit to how bad I’m really feeling, or how close to the edge I am, because my children are my world and I’m terrified of losing them.

But that’s part of the illness, isn’t it? Our brain chemistry is so broken, we hear the hard parts whether they’re true or not

I have no doubt that you are an *amazing* mum

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

I totally understand the fear of children being removed. Even though I have no reason to think they would be - no matter how I feel, they are always, without question, cared for.

It holds me back even now, I don’t ever admit to how bad I’m really feeling, or how close to the edge I am, because my children are my world and I’m terrified of losing them.

But that’s part of the illness, isn’t it? Our brain chemistry is so broken, we hear the hard parts whether they’re true or not

I have no doubt that you are an *amazing* mum

Thank you. Ditto to you too.

Spoiler: TW: birth trauma

mine stems back to complications during birth. My LO wasn’t breathing, through no fault of my own, so no sooner was she out she was taken away. My irrational thoughts started pretty much straight away. It’s all in my head I can’t quantify any of my thoughts with fact but they are all consuming. I hate being like this. It’s not me. I wasn’t like this before. I didn’t realise it was possible to feel so whole (becoming a mum) and so broken at the same time. Sorry for rambling.

sending so much To everyone.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Thank you. Ditto to you too.

Spoiler: TW: birth trauma

mine stems back to complications during birth. My LO wasn’t breathing, through no fault of my own, so no sooner was she out she was taken away. My irrational thoughts started pretty much straight away. It’s all in my head I can’t quantify any of my thoughts with fact but they are all consuming. I hate being like this. It’s not me. I wasn’t like this before. I didn’t realise it was possible to feel so whole (becoming a mum) and so broken at the same time. Sorry for rambling.

sending so much To everyone.

That must have been terrifying. Despite the fact she’s fine now, you can’t just forget how frightened you were for her.

Have you been able to access therapy? EMDR might help, but maybe with talking therapy to begin with?

Spoiler: Birth Trauma / Therapy

I’ve struggled with EMDR because I’ve never been able to actually say out loud what happened during my birth. It was a very rare complication, likely caused by human error (or by a serious mistake…) and I was very nearly not okay (can’t even say that bit properly).

That’s caused me a massive block on trying to process it - because I don’t think I’ve ever accepted for myself what happened. Or what almost happened.

Who knew that the best day of your life could also be your worst

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

That must have been terrifying. Despite the fact she’s fine now, you can’t just forget how frightened you were for her.

Have you been able to access therapy? EMDR might help, but maybe with talking therapy to begin with?

Spoiler: Birth Trauma / Therapy

I’ve struggled with EMDR because I’ve never been able to actually say out loud what happened during my birth. It was a very rare complication, likely caused by human error (or by a serious mistake…) and I was very nearly not okay (can’t even say that bit properly).

That’s caused me a massive block on trying to process it - because I don’t think I’ve ever accepted for myself what happened. Or what almost happened.

Who knew that the best day of your life could also be your worst

I had rewind therapy at the start of 2020 and then covid hit and it all stopped. They didn’t even check in with me or contact me to start again once it was able to. Which didn’t make me feel better.
Does your hospital offer an afterthoughts service? Or could you perhaps request your notes under the freedom of information act?
You’re not alone and I know how crappy it is. Sending you a big hug x

 

[Pollyanna263]

I wrote myself a list today
Of things I need to do.
Tidy the house, make some calls;
How much will I get through?

Some days I manage nothing.
On others I do more.
I don’t know what each day will bring
But I know one thing for sure.

I miss the me I was ‘before’;
Bold, capable and free.
One day she’s there, the next she’s gone
Yet I am her; she’s me.

The me ‘before’ is out of reach,
She’s high up on a shelf.
How do I feel so far away
From that version of myself?

On the days that things feel tough,
And when I feel off-centre,
Good enough is enough.
That’s what I must remember.

 

[or JusRollWithIt]

Thanks for asking lovely @Pollyanna263 . I haven’t found the right therapist, and maybe it’s not for me, but in the meantime I’ve taken some mindfulness sessions and also just made some appointments to address other physical health issues. I mean, sometimes those things contribute to the load we carry, and it’s self care right? One day, or sometimes one moment, at a time. Big hugs Enjoy those beautiful flowers.

 

[justheretoread99]

Hi all, hope everyone’s well.

Just been prescribed Mirtazapine to help me sleep. GP explained it’s an antidepressant which can help sleep due to anxieties & insomnia.

Has anyone taken this before? Worried about the side affects, as some can be suicidal thoughts & weight gain. Which are the ones I’m most worried about. I know all medication is trial and error, and I’ve been on a few, but just extra apprehensive about this one.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hi all, hope everyone’s well.

Just been prescribed Mirtazapine to help me sleep. GP explained it’s an antidepressant which can help sleep due to anxieties & insomnia.

Has anyone taken this before? Worried about the side affects, as some can be suicidal thoughts & weight gain. Which are the ones I’m most worried about. I know all medication is trial and error, and I’ve been on a few, but just extra apprehensive about this one.

I’m on it and have been for a while (no idea how long, lost all sense of time! But over a year)

I have gained weight but I honestly can’t tell you whether it’s the mirtazapine or just because of my disordered eating. It did make me more hungry, so I tried to make sure I had sensible snacks ready so I didn’t eat (even more) crap.

I find I fall asleep about an hour to an hour and a half after taking it. It’s gentle wave of sleep, which was much needed.
Before, I just wouldn’t sleep, I’d sit up until the early hours feeling more and more awake so it was added to help me sleep.

I have nightmares regularly due to PTSD anyway and the mirt definitely didn’t make them any worse.

I haven’t had an increase in suicidal thoughts if anything sleeping more eased that side of things a little.

I’m in the process of weaning off at the moment because my psych wants me to swap my meds (I’m on 3 different ones and he wants to rein that in a bit!) and what worries me most is will I be able to fall asleep without mirtazapine.


Sorry that’s so long.
Give it 2-3 weeks for side effects to settle, but I didn’t find them too bad.
Obviously it’s different for everyone, but truly it helped me. Good luck