The Depression Thread #2

[BettyCrockerr]

Hello all I hope you're all okay
I would wanted to come on here because I feel like I need to voice some things that are weighing heavy on my mind and hopefully feel better for doing so.
I am currently 6 months pregnant and I am finding it very hard these last few weeks, I am signed off work due to very painful pelvic girdle pain and awaiting a review from the doctors to see what/if they can do or if I am ok to go back to work with changed duties.
I feel very sad a lot of the time at the moment and I couldn't explain why. On paper I have no reason to be sad I have a lovely house, good job, loving fiancé and crackpot animals that make me laugh, but I just feel so overwhelmed with life and the pregnancy it's becoming hard for me to process.
Everyone expects you to be a glowing bundle of joy when pregnant (I'm not!! I'm still spotty tired and the odd sickness!) And everyone keeps asking me if I'm crying with happiness over my growing bump (I'm not, I'm finding it very hard to adjust to a changing body I have no control of and I HATE it when people keep telling me how big I am, it isn't a compliment)
Maybe I am just having a bad few weeks but the only way I can describe how I feel is the feeling of being overwhelmed and everyone tells me how I SHOULD feel and how I shouldn't be sad because I'm carrying a blessing.
Sorry for the rant I just needed to air my thoughts x

This sounds very much like antenatal depression and it’s a very real thing. Can you have a chat with your midwife or your GP about how you are feeling?

 

[altgirl]

Once again I’m going through a bad patch and I’ve even told myself if things don’t improve and start looking up for me in a year, then im done. I don’t like to think like that but I just feel the depression taking over more and more.

I’m just about to have a weeks leave from work but I’m dreading it as I have nothing planned and no one to spend time with. The person I’d normally reach out to hasn't spoke in almost 3 weeks, in fact he didn’t reply to my last message. Any suggestions of what I can do to stop myself from sinking deeper? I was hoping to go on a boat trip but I can no longer afford it.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I was in a good place and now I feel just really meh, I feel like I am sinking back into a not so good place. Nothing really triggered it this time but when my anxiety and the overthinking does come back, it comes back with a vengeance. Had to leave work at lunch time yesterday, just couldn't function. Today I feel much the same but I am in work purely because I don't want to lose my job. When I went home yesterday I just lay on the sofa, not eating, not watching anything on tv, doing nothing productive, just sat there for the whole afternoon.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Thank you, I think I need a drs appointment, anyways, how's your day going, you ok?

Eventually left home, got kids and dog dropped off and got to hotel - that all took 4 hours. Just got ready, and now going to friend’s house to get her into her wedding dress.

I feel awful. Physically shaking, I was suddenly sick out of no where while I was getting ready which never ever happens to me, and I’m having a major hot flush.

I’m glad I’m not drinking and I’m driving so able to leave whenever I need to. Or even retreat to the safety of my car for a few minutes.

I need to do this for her, she is like the sister I never I had, I want to be there. But fuck it’s hard.

 

[yayoi]

I've been bad for the last few months and I finally went to the doctor 3 weeks ago. I had an online assessment last week with another unit and we talked about everything - grief, long term disease, lifespan, health, family, current support, money, suicide, previous doctors response, lack of motivation, lack of concentration etc.
I'm waiting for a follow up appointment with the GP who's already mentioned pills and a therapy course. I just don't know what to expect going forwards whether things will improve or if they'll just stay like this.

Well done for going. It's so hard to reach out and I hope that things improve for you

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I don’t post in here much as I never know how to write it all down but I always come and read everyone’s posts. I just wanted to say, I’m in the exact same headspace as you. The things you have written I could have written. I just wanted to post to let you know there is someone else feeling this way and you’re not alone in your feelings. It’s very scary I know. I hope things can get better for us

You are a diamond for reaching out to someone when things aren’t easy for you right now

I‘m thinking of you and @Phil McCrackin . Please know we‘re if you need some company x

 

[ilovepizza21]

Last few days have be tough I did a econsult today as getting through to the doctors are a nightmare 10 hrs later I get a crappy message.... the kids dad was ment to have them this weekend but apparently had covid (although was in spain a few days b4) couldn't didn't realise when I'm ill there's an option not to parent oh no wait it's tough tits for me... lately I've been missing the guy I was seeing but of course a few months back I found out he was still with his wife and conned me out off a fair bit of money).... gave up dating then randomly started got chatting to someone and have for a while today he said he meet up (he has abit of a kinky side so i was a little wary) anyways I thought you only get one life and with how I've been feeling I thought why not.... then he was sending me messages being quite submissive.... told him they making me anxious he said it be fine anyways... he asked me to unlock the door and wait for his mate to arrive he be there soon..... I was like woah wait a min..... I literally froze to the spot I was shaken up and was in pure fear this guy who I thought wanted to finally meet up had basically arranged a complete stranger to come and shag me.... I feel sick that I've fallen for a bad guy (trust me im wary we spoken for some time now please dont judge) .... why am I so unlovable my ex was right now one will ever want me.... so that's just made how I was feeling 10x worse..... hopefully docs call tomorrow so I can start meds again because I know I need them again.... I just wanna feel normal & happy for once everything is getting on top and I feel like I'm drowning I'm back to making myself sick when I eat or I don't eat because I feel so huge.... i just feel so alone and i just need to be hugged and told i be okay

Sorry for the essay no need to respond either I just had to get it out and felt this was the only safe space to do it

 

[ilovepizza21]

I’m so glad you’ve come over here

I have found - 4 years in to being single, for the first time since I was 18 (I’m now 37) - that I finally feel happy being alone.

I always felt that I needed a partner, needed someone there as I couldn’t be alone. But that was actually my massive insecurities about myself lying to me.

I’m capable of being alone.
I’ve raised my children alone, the eldest since he was 2 1/2 and the youngest since before he was born 3 1/2 years ago.
I don’t need a man to ‘complete’ me or help me or whatever it was that I thought I needed.

From the bits I know of you from the other thread (which keeps me going too, why do you think I don’t mind doing the recaps!) you are so much stronger than you realise.

You are raising your children while being mindful of their individual needs
You are co-parenting with your ex which is hard and you deserve huge credit for
You are getting up and doing each day, even if you don’t feel able

You are a badass x

Honestly your words always get to me. You are amazing too Polly xx

 

[ilovepizza21]

Anyone remember when I was online shopping for a trampoline? Well…. I bought it, and built it! (With help from my teenager)
Seriously happy kids.

Beyond that I’ve managed to do an online food shop, which I’ve struggled with lately as I haven’t been able to think ahead to plan.

I’m weaning from 45mg mirtazapine - did 5 days at 30mg and then last night dropped to 15mg.

And from 300mg venlafaxine - did one day at 262.5mg to make sure I felt okay, and then dropped to 225mg.

Got psychiatrist tomorrow. Have only met him once but he was so so lovely, very observant (the clinic letter was hard to read as it said so much just from what he’d observed and read between what I’d said) and he will hopefully give guidance on what level of ven I need to drop to to then switch to Amitriptyline which is his recommendation.

Dog back at the vet Thursday for another check up but she’s healed amazingly well, I’m not worried any more.

My house is an absolute tip, it’s embarrassing, thank god no one ever just turns up. I just don’t seem to have the thought process that I need to tidy / clean for it to change

Edit to add I have found myself putting this on repeat lately. It says everything I feel (or am unable to feel!)

https://music.amazon.co.uk/albums/B09QWTG1XF?do=play&trackAsin=B09QW1R85W&ref=dm_sh_sks4KFHAKkSjdq3Ly9tcDh3E2

Your a superwoman never forget that

Meeting was a waste of time unfortunately. Mentioned everything we has been through the last few years and think she benefit from counselling like my son did at school told me she only worried about the phone incident x

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Finding some aspects on here tough, reinfection of covid tough so sorry for delayed reply. As soon as I can I think I will go and get this. I am pretty sure I have Waterstones points.

Like you, I need to focus my mind on challenges and this seems like a good one. It is so easy to fall back into those bad ways. I know that the basics are required, that a shower and a good meal will stop later destructive behaviours but the later behaviours are like a hug, you know they are they for comfort later on.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. It is really hard. Seeing all the families being super happy on SM, seeing people on here being (in my critical and probably wrong mind) hypocritical and tell the threadees to get off SM and be present. My thing is to try to do what you makes you and those around you the happiest because that is the most precious thing.

I don’t know about you but I’m incredibly hard on myself. I have unrealistically high expectations of myself that I wouldn’t put even a tiny percentage of onto anyone else. One of the things mentioned in the book (which I had a conversation with my sponsor about) is “shoulds” - I “should” be able to deal with this, I “should” be doing this with my time…and when I don’t do it, I’m very unforgiving my myself. It’s so destructive.

I’m staying off social media today. Everyone and their auntie will be doing Easter Egg hunts with their kids and that kind of thing wouldn’t work with my son yet. Whatever everyone has planned or not planned today then I hope you all enjoy your day

 

[Sideboard Bob]

It helps so much, thank you and @Maid22

I feel weird saying that, but I know you guys get it.


The dog situation is just another shit thing on top of an already massive pile of shit things. She’s a massive worry as the concern is that she may have a tumour - she had one removed 2 years ago and now there’s a lump behaving in the same way and I’m terrified. My vet is amazing and has fitted her in Tuesday, as the next surgery spot they had was 3 weeks and she knew I wouldn’t cope waiting that long.

Therapy is finally beginning to feel like it’s doing something, and that in itself is hard. Poking at childhood wounds that have been buried my whole life, while the actual goal is to get control of PTSD which has taken over my every waking (and sleeping, actually) moment for 3 1/2 years.

Then I’m also weaning one lot of meds ready to swap onto new ones, so I’ve got side effects of withdrawal which are frankly awful.

All while solo parenting a teen and a pre-schooler. And a dog.

Some days I wonder how I’m surviving and then I realise I can’t think about it as actually it’s overwhelmingly terrifying because if I actually think about how much shit goes on day to day I will crumble.


Argh sorry. That all just came out.

I’m going back to the Hinch thread to use more swear words and let my rage out there at their reckless parenting!

Oh love, it’s so important for it to all come out. I really, really don’t mean this in a patronising way, but there’s no way I could do what you do. It’s great that the therapy is helping, you know that’s down to you. It can’t be easy.

Omg withdrawal symptoms are hell, I really hope it passes soon. No-one prepares you for how crap it makes you feel, and the weird things like brain zaps.

Go get that Hinch! I do the same with Jack Monroe!

 

[Agent Cooper]

How is everyone doing today? 🤍

I have a question to you all. How do you deal with feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions? I just can’t stop thinking, I think and I overthink and end up feeling like I’m drowning. When I feel like this, I can’t even manage to distract myself by counting to ten, listening to music, etc etc. I get either aggressive or tearful or both. It happens way too often, it’s like experiencing severe PMS symptoms every day.

In other (more positive) news, I want to give a shout-out to @Jotham, who recommended the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns to me several weeks ago. I bought it straight away and found some of the techniques and exercises to be quite helpful. Since it’s CBT-based, it’s not for everyone, but it’s worth giving a try if you need some guidance. Recognising the cognitive distortions caused by my depression has helped me feel slightly better about myself.

One of the worst things about me is that I love misery, in a way. I don’t want to feel this way yet I thrive off sadness or something. Don’t know how to explain it. I love torturing myself and overthinking.

Could it be that you are just so used to torturing yourself and overthinking that it gives you a strange comfort? You know what being misery is like and thus subconsciously seek it because you are familiar with it? A bit like a habit. I remember reading about MH issues acting like a comfort zone of sorts for certain people.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

In my experience, there have been long periods without an internal dialogue. Mine manifests in self-loathing and it never completely goes but it’s not prominent all the time. It is just now. I feel overwhelmed at the moment, with everything. But this too shall pass, I believe that.

You know I’m a big advocate of the 12-Steps, have you had a look into them? I genuinely believe that you don’t have to have any sort of addiction to benefit from them as it gives you a new way of thinking about the past and also encourages you to do what you can to live in the day

Your words are so reassuring, particularly at this time of night, when things don’t seem so calm.

I never thought the 12-Steps would be open to someone like me. Can you access it other ways without taking resources from those who are in more need?

Hoping everyone is having a restful night.

 

[Maid22]

I can feel myself going on a downward spiral, also having awful thoughts, really hate feeling like this.

 

[Maid22]

@Pollyanna263 totally understand, I'm such a recluse, I hardly ever leave the house, good on you for going, really hope you have a lovely time.

 

[Maid22]

Hi all hope everyone is well. I’m finally settled on some medication and it seems to be starting to make a bit of a difference, like the clouds are starting to lift. But I’m really struggling with some people in my life (some family and friends) being against me taking medicagion , saying stuff like have you tried exercise or your not ill enough to be taking that. It’s making me doubt myself, am I not trying hard enough? Am I not I’ll enough, do I not deserve this medication? Its making me feel a bit crap about myself and I just don’t know what to say back to these people to help them understand, or if I even want to bother

I think most of us really don't want to be on medication, there's no shame in it, if it helps you then you do it, don't worry about what others think, look after yourself x

 

[Maid22]

I hope everything is ok. I’m still waiting on everyone getting up. I’m just enjoying the peace.

Thank you, I'm still in bed, wanted to nod off but am now worried about my oh!

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hello lovelies. I haven’t been over here very much, for a few reasons.
Hope everyone is as okay as possible.

Does anyone here have a care coordinator?
Are they helpful? Are they a benefit to you?

Been to psych appointment this afternoon, and he said if it was NHS (I see him privately) he’d be organising a care coordinator for me.

I have a shitload of shit going on in life, on top of the existing PTSD and depression - which I can’t work on in therapy right now because we’re basically having to firefight life just so I can keep going - and it’s no secret that I’m struggling.

Psych always writes to GP so it’s possible he will mention this to her but if not (as his clinic letters do tend to be short and sweet), I don’t know whether her I should ask her about it?

Any and all experiences welcome

 

[Leelah]

What to do for burnout from work?

 

[Pollyanna263]

Thank you so so much everyone it really means a lot. I’ve spent the last couple of days reaching out to family and I feel a lot better just talking and being honest about my feelings. You’ve made me realise that I’m not alone and I’m so grateful. I’ve spoken with my doctor and wrote a plan down on how to move forward. Again thank you all so much. We will get through it all together. Sending love

So pleased to read this