The Depression Thread #2

[Pollyanna263]

Can I ask, how do I post a vid from you tube into that thread?

@Maid22 all you need to do is copy the link of whatever you want, then paste it in the box here where you type. Tattle magically converts it and adds the video xx

Edit to add sorry I’ve assumed you know how to paste into the text box?

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I've tried all sorts tbh, insomnia is awful, I get so frustrated as all I want is to sleep!

I promise you will get over this Maid, and you know that until then there’s a few of us here who do understand how hard it is just now x

 

[Pollyanna263]

Monroe will often claim she’s depressed, but it’s usually a shield against criticism

Same with Hinch feigning anxiety.

 

[newaccount2022]

@Agent Cooper no advice as such (I’m sorry) but just want to say I understand and am going through similar so you’re not alone. It’s so hard to find the time and energy to commit to proper counselling, let alone find the money. I know if I started counselling now all of my relationships and my work would suffer for at LEAST a year and I just don’t have the strength to go through that right now. All I’ve done so far is try to ‘confront’ my feelings more by writing them down instead of trying to ignore them. It’s not therapy but it’s helped a little in understanding myself. Thinking of you 🤍

 

[Agent Cooper]

Sending them.

is there anything in particular that has made today so tough?

Remember, we experience these things like waves, they come over us and move on. Sometimes these waves are big and seemingly insurmountable and sometimes small. But the waves always move on.

Sending you all the good energy I can

ITT has said it perfectly.
It never feels possible when we’re in the midst of it, when that wave engulfs us - but we always come out the other side.

Keep talking to us xx

Edit to add

Spoiler: Good enough is always enough❤

Thank you both so so much I really appreciate your encouragement and support (and checking in on me @Into_the_tunnel 🫂). I am just so lost at the moment, it’s my favourite time of the year and I’m supposed to be happy but I’m not. As someone brilliant has mentioned already, pressuring yourself to feel a certain way is the worst. I’m currently under a bit of stress with exams, job interviews and my ED playing up….I am also waiting for my therapy appointment and really worried about it. What if makes me feel worse? I’m known for always making up dramatic scenarios that never come to life though, I should remember that and just try to take things slow. Thanks again, sending you both a big virtual hug!

Does anyone else, when they’re in a low place, get really annoyed when other people “want things from them”? Not quite the right words, but essentially I have four big things coming up (like weddings / events / guests - nice things that I should look forward to) and I just want to tell everyone to leave me alone. I’m feeling out of control because I’m waiting for interview dates for a job I really want, it’s been dragging on for ages and I really bloody don’t want to be going to weddings and all day events and having people to stay, I just want to focus on preparing for the interviews and I’m really good at doing lots of things at once. I just want to tell everyone to go away, and then I feel guilty and ungrateful for thinking that, and so on and so forth… ugh.

I can relate to that. I was talking to another depression sufferer not long ago and they gave me this little piece of advice that has stuck with me: try to hang onto people who love and appreciate you. Being around them might be unbearable at the moment but don’t push them away. Set your boundaries, have a day off from socialising, leave that party early, but don’t let your completely depression isolate you. You are so much stronger when you know that you are not alone and are needed.

I know there is no one-size-fits-all solution so take what you want from what I’ve written. Good luck with your job interview, I’m sure you will smash it!

 

[Pollyanna263]

When I wake up, I don’t feel refreshed but groggy and miserable. I think it’s something to do with the stages of sleep, it takes me ages to fall asleep and I have very vivid and chaotic dreams

This is me!
I have flashbacks in the day and nightmares and/or ridiculous vivid dreams at night. Sometimes I message my friend to tell her about them and she is stunned!

I wake up feeling exhausted. Never rested.

My psych has prescribed Topiramate for me to try, which he says is amazing for helping with the crazy dreams.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’ve decided to bite the bullet and schedule a therapy session. Plucked my courage and called but I can’t get through. So frustrating considering I have an exam today and I’m already a little anxious. I will call again later though, I hope I will be able to figure it out. Sending love to all of you 🤍

Experiencing anxiety attack at the moment. I’ve been diagnosed with general anxiety but this is something different. My stomach is tied in with my anxiety so I sleep to avoid discomfort. I’m fine when I wake up but the second I go to pick up my phone my anxiety kicks in. I’m getting to feel down over the state of my health. I was a ball of worry for a good hour when I decided to take down my acupuncture mat and lay on it. The acupuncture slippers too which left my feet so bruised last time that I couldn’t walk for two days also helped me calm down enough to write this out. I’m listening to Sarah Wilson “First, We Make the Beast Beautiful: A Journey Through Anxiety.” I’ve tried lighter books but I end up falling asleep. It’s all very weird. I want things to calm down. I also caved and took a klonopin. Sorry if this is too off subject I just didn’t see an anxiety thread and depression and anxiety seem to be close mates. Best wishes to everyone in here you all are beautiful people.

I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety You say you have been diagnosed with general anxiety, do you get any treatment for it? A good therapist should be able to help you find coping mechanisms for situations like this.

 

[Maid22]

Took one for the team and had a shower.

Don’t feel any better! Just feel more knackered.

Save yourselves the energy and don’t bother xx

Edit to add I didn’t even contemplate washing my hair. It just got shoved up high out the way.

Good on you I'm thinking about it but really can't be bothered! As for hair washing, I've always hated washing it, I leave it go for as long as poss and also put it up.

 

[E.T]

I hope you’re all ok I’ve only just found this thread so haven’t read everything but from what I have read you guys are amazing. Life’s so hard. I’m not ready to talk about my own mental health, I hope one day I can. But I’m here for support. You’re never alone. Always remember that

 

[Agent Cooper]

Are there changes you can make to your environment or lifestyle? I grew up in a family and town that was not conducive to being happy.* When I moved away from each of those things, I felt an immense sense of relief from misery but I did not know how to enjoy myself at all. It took a long time for me to learn to have fun in life. I have a few dumb interests that bring me joy & give me something to be excited about.

I’m always picking up tools and putting them back down, it’s part of my process. I liked the Sa Ta Na Ma meditation. My mind responds really well to it. Maybe you could try it? You chant “Sa, Ta, Na, Ma” out loud for two minutes, whisper it for two minutes, think it for four minutes, whisper it for two, say it for two. It’s a reflection on creation if you’re wondering what it means.

BTW I’ve missed you in this thread

*I had a period where I was treated for depression but don’t think it was my diagnosis if that makes sense. As best as I can remember, I’mclinically anxious and that’s all. I have done CBT though from my depression episode.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you saying that I’ve missed the lovely community we have on this thread too, everyone is so supportive!

You are so spot on about my environment — I live in a big polluted city with lots of people and little sunshine, it’s not the nicest place to be but I’m pretty much stuck here until I find a remote job. My family/close friends circle is not perfect but mostly okay, I guess. I’m in the process of letting some (toxic) people go, it takes time and courage but I know it’s for the best.

I haven’t actually tried meditating before but it sounds great, reminds me of the Jesus prayer. I have tried it just now on my commute, it’s surprisingly calming.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice Slaybutter

Just to chime in on CBT. I haven't done it myself, but I know that it is felt to be more helpful with behaviours as it says on the box. I can't imagine being depressed and it helping anything to that end. For me, I have been in therapy for more decades than I care to remember, but as someone who bottles things, packs them away in a box in brain for another day and doesn't tell anyone anything, talk therapy has helped. Having said that, I was at a point where I said enough of this crap I have to spew! @Agent Cooper, have you ever kept a diary/journal? Writing down your crap day and the things that bother you can help. @Slaybutter's suggestion of meditation is a good idea as well. You can find a short meditation clips on YouTube to dip your toe in. I know that is something I should dedicate my time to and I don't.

Take care of yourself, don't be hard on yourself either. Basic things like cleaning out the fridge, going for a walk or doing basic hygiene are enough for now.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! I have indeed tried journaling but I haven’t found it that helpful as I can’t help but cringe at what I’ve written…Self-acceptance is something I struggle with the most. I’m quite lost right now as I’ve worked so hard to get where I am but the way things unfold doesn’t quite live up to my expectations. I think what I actually need is accepting that I can’t control everything and settling for less. I know I am really hard on myself most of the time.

Sorry for this ‘woe is me’ post everyone! I hope everyone on this thread is doing okay today

 

[Unrinsed_Spaghetti_Hoop]

My heart goes out to those with people in their lives that do the opposite of support *hugs* It's awful when people either don't get it or use it against you.

I've just spent the last 4 days filling in the work capability form for UC, as I quit my job. It was brutal... Obviously I know my issues, but having to write about them all together just made me realise what a failure and fuck up I am. I hate that I had to do that, flogging myself for some stranger at DWP to pick apart in the vain hopes that after 20 years of full time work someone *might* think I'm worthy of some crumbs to live on. Horrible system. It's really made me feel even worse about myself and where I've ended up.

You're not a failure. You're not well. I've been there, had to claim ESA and PIP after my hospital admission. To go from full time work to full time benefits I felt like a total sham.

But let me tell you this, you've paid into this system to help you. That's what it is there to do. Please do not feel ashamed that you're unwell. You are entitled to help, think of it as taking back some of the money you put into the pot.

 

[Maid22]

@Fillyfox please don't be put off with what happened last time, how are you?

 

[Lara98]

Need some advice here. My partner has struggled with depression for a while but recently it's been a downwards spiral, he cannot workout as he's broken a bone. Has stopped eating properly (worrying as he had an ED previously) isn't on top of his meds etc, very snappy and just is not himself. Anyway on Sunday he went out drinking, kissed another girl, ran off and then wandered the streets wanting to just go away. I had a call Monday and he had a breakdown, I went and picked him up, he told me straight away what happened and just had a full on mental breakdown in my car.

Took him home, sorted him out, and he couldn't stop crying. Broke my heart seeing him like this and what he's done too, he knows he's fucked up. I'm not defending him but for him to have done that is not him. Friends and family around are saying it and it's just not like him, he's completely lost and unwell and needs help.

Thing is he then said he is unsure if he still has the same feelings for me. He said he can't tell and is confused, he loves me and wants me in his life yet is scared. He knows he needs help and I think he's going to get some this week, he has just lost himself completely and is not the same person when we met. He has lost love for all hobbies, friends and family he used to have, everything that made him happy he has lost. He has low self esteem and is so negative atm, used to be positive but I've seen it change the last few months.

I just don't know what to do, it's so hard. I wanted to ask has anyone else lost feelings of love towards their partner with depression but then things picked up again when you got help? Or is it unlikely to return. I've said I'm going to be there but going to step back for a few weeks, let him sort himself out and then we'll talk again when he's I a clearer mindset and not beating himself up. There's this thing called Anhedonia and I'm convinced he's maybe got that idk.

Pls help xx

 

[Eeyore147]

Looks like I have shite to deal with later, my oh is on the way home, hasn't gone on the run, I'm really too tired to deal with anything.

I hope everything is ok. I’m still waiting on everyone getting up. I’m just enjoying the peace.

 

[itsnotmereally]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you saying that I’ve missed the lovely community we have on this thread too, everyone is so supportive!

You are so spot on about my environment — I live in a big polluted city with lots of people and little sunshine, it’s not the nicest place to be but I’m pretty much stuck here until I find a remote job. My family/close friends circle is not perfect but mostly okay, I guess. I’m in the process of letting some (toxic) people go, it takes time and courage but I know it’s for the best.

I haven’t actually tried meditating before but it sounds great, reminds me of the Jesus prayer. I have tried it just now on my commute, it’s surprisingly calming.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice Slaybutter

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! I have indeed tried journaling but I haven’t found it that helpful as I can’t help but cringe at what I’ve written…Self-acceptance is something I struggle with the most. I’m quite lost right now as I’ve worked so hard to get where I am but the way things unfold doesn’t quite live up to my expectations. I think what I actually need is accepting that I can’t control everything and settling for less. I know I am really hard on myself most of the time.

Sorry for this ‘woe is me’ post everyone! I hope everyone on this thread is doing okay today

It’s not a woe is me post, this feels a safe space to share and a wonderful community of support.
I can’t really add to the others, but if looking for meditation the Insight Timer app is brilliant and most of it’s free.

 

[Queenbee22]

Has anyone ever been out in a pub and a man introduces himself or makes eye contact and hellos with every girl at the table except you.

I just feel so disgusting and repulsive. I don’t know what else I can do to make myself more attractive. I know that’s not what life is all about but it fucking hurts.

Bless you my love, I know exactly this feeling. I can offer you so many different perspectives you could see situations like that from but when you feel like that it’s so hard to get those round your head and see it that way.
You are beautiful inside and out. I have a compliment jar my therapist had me set up, that helps. Google thought logs those are helpful with seeing different perspectives too. You’re probably exactly like me in putting too much importance on appearance so you therefore think other people see your perceived ‘flaws’

sending love to you, you are not measured by your looks or what some rando in a bar thinks of you.

always here if you need a chat x

 

[barmcake]

Thanks so much

I've had a night of panic attacks and no sleep so now have to do my first day absolutely shattered.

So sorry, that sounds just horrible. Not sleeping ruins the day but am hoping you'll be so exhausted tonight you'll sleep like a log. The first day is always the worst, but by the end of the week I hope you'll be feeling more settled. Just fake it until you make it.

 

[Maid22]

This.

And, sometimes they feel like too much to cope with and you convince yourself they’d be better off without you (which is never true)

I hate some flippant answers on here sometimes, unless you've been there, don't judge.
@ Fillyfox sorry what you're going through, hope you're ok x

 

[Carapop]

Do you think theres ever hope of overcoming depression? Ive been miserable since I was a kid. Each trauma I've had knocks me further down the hill. I try to work through it, im on my 5th counsellor now! Ive done cbt, im on sertraline. It feels like im in a video game or something where each battle knocks me down 10 health points and im only ever able to recover 8.

This latest episode isnt even worth being depressed about. I can logically see its a nonsense to feel this bad about, but as i was already at the bottom of the hill because of the LAST trauma, slowly crawling up. It feels like this has merely blown me back down and ive fallen.

I swing from being miserable about the issue to miserable about the fact im miserable. Its so disappointing when you fight it and it still takes over

Honestly I think some of us have to accept that we just naturally have a lower “happiness set point” than average. I think there’s some comfort in recognising that. Cherish the moments of joy. Try and find things to be grateful for. Finding a community of likeminded people here where you can share without judgment is something worthy of gratitude I think.

I hear you, though. Life can feel like an exercise in endurance, merely surviving, but not living. I think some of us are just predisposed to find life harder than it should be.

 

[Eeyore147]

Thank you all so much

I’m safely back in my hotel room, in my pjs, with some snacks and some water and music in my headphones to try and switch off.

I’m so pleased I went, I really am.
I’m struggling already with the fallout, though. As soon as I left I started shivering and felt nauseous.

Am calmer now I’m in the room. So tired.

Have to pick my 3 year old up after breakfast so back to reality with no time to rest. God forbid his dad actually parents for 24 whole hours
I had him on video call before bed saying “I miss you too much mummy” which taps right in to my abandonment guilt from when he was born and I was unable to be with him for almost 24 hours. He hasn’t seen his dad in person for 3 months so it’s no wonder. Apparently video calls are enough

Anyway…….

Thank you. I really mean that. Thank you for your support xxx

I’m so pleased you did it. I hope you manage to get some restful sleep and wind down.