The Depression Thread #2

[Pollyanna263]

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Started my new antidepressant today. Am bricking it about them, not going to lie. I know it's going to sound really vain, but I'm worried about weight gain (I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and any extra weight effects my joints) Plus I also have body dysmorphia so it's not going to help that

 

[ilovepizza21]

TW - suicidal thoughts - not about acting on them, just about having them.
Also a mention of birth trauma.

Looking for reassurance about professional intervention when admitting to these thoughts.

Will put it all behind a spoiler for those who need to avoid reading x

It’s got long, sorry.


I’m absolutely not thinking about acting on it, but I have been having thought of ‘I wish I wasn’t here’ or ‘I wish everything would just disappear forever’
The frequency and intensity varies. At the moment it’s okay, rare, but a few weeks ago it was constant.
I won’t leave my children, so I’m confident I won’t act on it. It’s just that everything is too much.

I have recently, finally, managed to be open with my therapist about it, and she has been exactly what I needed her to be. She already knew that my biggest fear in my birth trauma was that I wasn’t going to come home, and that these thoughts now have left me so, so confused because it seems ridiculous to me that I now feel that leaving my children is the answer when that fear was the thing that broke me in the first place.

Anyway - I had a psychiatrist appointment a few days ago and towards the end he unexpectedly asked me if I ever had thoughts that it would be better if I wasn’t here.
The appointment had been going so well up to then, I’d been really open with him and made such progress (was 4th appt with him), but then that floored me and I totally froze.

He was lovely. Really reassured me and was so kind. Apologised for upsetting me. Said it was understandable if I felt these things, when I’d been coping with so much for so long.
I managed to tell him that I had spoken about it with my therapist (they are through the same centre)

I emailed my therapist afterwards to tell her, and she replied straight away to say it’s okay to have these thoughts, stay grounded and don’t worry.

I’m just panicking that it’s going to result in some kind of red flag or something with the children. They do know that I have a huge (irrational) fear of my children being taken away, or of me not being able to care for them. They have reassured me that this isn’t a concern for them. They know that even at my worst points, I’ve always been a ‘good enough’ mum and I will never ever let my children suffer.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for really with this post…. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

It's should be a red flag hun when I went docs the other month I told her the same even when I attempted it. Nothing came from it and id fault id loose my kids. I've been having these feelings for years I have acted on them tho but I now know I won't because I'm out the situation that drove me to do it in the first place. Your doing everything you should and should be proud of what your achievements. Your great no matter if you don't feel it. Sending you hugs xxx

 

[Pollyanna263]

It's should be a red flag hun when I went docs the other month I told her the same even when I attempted it. Nothing came from it and id fault id loose my kids. I've been having these feelings for years I have acted on them tho but I now know I won't because I'm out the situation that drove me to do it in the first place. Your doing everything you should and should be proud of what your achievements. Your great no matter if you don't feel it. Sending you hugs xxx

Thank you

Proud of your strength x

 

[Maid22]

I love the genuine replies on here, we should all ignore the flippant one, hope others can freely post, there's alot of proper advice on here x

 

[no-no]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

 

[queenamber]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

I get this all the time. I don't think some people understand how nice it is to be with your own company. I could happily spend the entire weekend by myself!

 

[Maid22]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

I'm a recluse, never used to be, was always out at weekends etc, but having so called friends who really treated me badly, I'd rather stay home with my dog! Don't pretend, be you, if you need time out, everyone who's out doing stuff at the weekend, I can guarantee most of them aren't enjoying it.

 

[no-no]

I get this all the time. I don't think some people understand how nice it is to be with your own company. I could happily spend the entire weekend by myself!

I'm a recluse, never used to be, was always out at weekends etc, but having so called friends who really treated me badly, I'd rather stay home with my dog! Don't pretend, be you, if you need time out, everyone who's out doing stuff at the weekend, I can guarantee most of them aren't enjoying it.

I’m glad you can relate and I appreciate introverts will love their own company to recharge, but most still seem to at least be in a relationship/have families. I grew up in a lot of chaos which fed into relationships so now I seek out ‘mundane’ stuff and solo activities. I have zero intention of changing my routine any time soon. The hope is if I get myself more secure in certain areas I’ll open up better avenues when I feel like building relationships instead of doing it now and wasting time on bad eggs. Trying to remind myself that placing value on societal expectations is part of people-pleasing behaviours (something I’m working on).

 

[Maid22]

I’m glad you can relate and I appreciate introverts will love their own company to recharge, but most still seem to at least be in a relationship/have families. I grew up in a lot of chaos which fed into relationships so now I seek out ‘mundane’ stuff and solo activities. I have zero intention of changing my routine any time soon. The hope is if I get myself more secure in certain areas I’ll open up better avenues when I feel like building relationships instead of doing it now and wasting time on bad eggs. Trying to remind myself that placing value on societal expectations is part of people-pleasing behaviours (something I’m working on).

If anyone looks on my life they'd think I'm a lucky bugger, but I'd have to say, come and live in my head, then tell me I'm lucky! You don't need to people please, I've done that for years, now I'm like, no more.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Hey I just switched from mitrazipine over to sertraline was wondering if when anyone started sertraline they found themself not really doing much? My appetite has went away completely and its making me feel groggy will this pass after a few weeks?

I've been taking Zoloft (sertraline) for 3 days and I feel like a zombie, I have zero appetite and my nausea is SO bad. I managed to keep down a Magnum ice cream today and that's all. My head is killing me and my brain fog is off the scale.

I decided to start on half the dose my GP gave me, and I'm glad I did because I'd hate to see what I'd be like at full dose.

I was warned that things would be bad but OMG.

I missed my best friend's birthday this evening too.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Can someone please reassure me that it’s not just me who has times when you don’t know when you last showered. Washed your hair. Brushed your hair. Washed your face.

 

[Eeyore147]

Can someone please reassure me that it’s not just me who has times when you don’t know when you last showered. Washed your hair. Brushed your hair. Washed your face.

Definitely not just you (I’m actually trying to answer the when’s in my head ) sending you lots of love

 

[Pollyanna263]

Definitely not just you (I’m actually trying to answer the when’s in my head ) sending you lots of love

Thank you so so much. I truly mean that.

 

[Eeyore147]

Thank you so so much. I truly mean that.

I’ve not been commenting much as trying to deal with my own head but I do try and read. Just go hour by hour Xxx

 

[candyland_]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

I love to spend time on my own and have my guard up too but sometimes on a sunny day I can feel my mood drop if I haven’t made any plans but then I saw a TikTok video about it and there was literally 1000s of comments with people saying they had nobody to do anything with but sometimes I can be out all day with people and still feel my mood drop later in the evening. Confusing.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Can someone please reassure me that it’s not just me who has times when you don’t know when you last showered. Washed your hair. Brushed your hair. Washed your face.

Yes, just now I can’t remember when I last washed my hair. Please don’t feel ashamed.

I‘m still waiting for an appointment to change my meds. It’s been too long, and I feel like I’m unable to cope with things and it’s screwing things up, but I just don’t have the energy to deal, I just need help, but just have to keep waiting.

 

[no-no]

Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

I love to spend time on my own and have my guard up too but sometimes on a sunny day I can feel my mood drop if I haven’t made any plans but then I saw a TikTok video about it and there was literally 1000s of comments with people saying they had nobody to do anything with but sometimes I can be out all day with people and still feel my mood drop later in the evening. Confusing.

It’s still taboo though, ‘lonerism’ (great album, btw), isn’t it? I think it will change over the next few years and become more normalised. Maybe us loners should reframe ourselves as pioneers

Hope everyone’s had an okay Saturday

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Can someone please reassure me that it’s not just me who has times when you don’t know when you last showered. Washed your hair. Brushed your hair. Washed your face.

It's not just you. I haven't washed my hair in ages. I forced myself to brush it today.

 

[Pollyanna263]

It's not just you. I haven't washed my hair in ages. I forced myself to brush it today.

Well done

I did the same yesterday. Told myself it was a step towards washing it. It had been up in a high bun for so bloody long… took forever.