The Depression Thread #2

[Fanny Muchmore]

Also having a rough ride.

It hurts when you find out that the people you thought were your friends really don't care about you at all.

 

[minty901]

New account for anonymity. Pity party time. I think I've suffered from depression since my early teens, now nearing 40 I've been to ashamed to admit it. I was the main carer for my older brother and father growing up from around the age of 11 to 23. My mother also suffered from depression because of caring for my father. Money was also tight. I missed out on so much growing up, going out with friends, going on holidays, generally just keeping up. I was overweight and just shut myself off because girls my age were so nasty.

This was all while my other 2 siblings were enjoying life and sharing very little responsibility for the situation at home. Maybe that was their escape.

Both my brother and father passed away, thinking of their lives and what they suffered, my brother his whole life - 25 years and my father 10 years - depresses me even more. Both my mother and father suffered very hard lives.

I often feel like there's no point in anything, just plodding along in life and everything is so very pointless. I married a man (arranged - was given an ultimatum) who used me for a visa. He's always been manipulative. Whole marriage has just been secrets and lies. He even had an affair while I was pregnant with my youngest.

He was recently away for a few months and I was alone with the kids and actually for the first time in my marriage, 18 years felt like I could breath.

Everybody is so happy in their lives, moving forward. I can't muster the energy to get out of bed. I do it, plod along with the daily routine.

Everybody including my family are so quick to pick me and decisions apart any chance they get. I truly feel broken and beyond repair. I feel like I have achieved nothing in life. I've never gotten anything I've wanted and I have tried, tried so hard but now I've just given up.

 

[lemonlavender]

I'm the same , just totted up my amazon spend E500 last couple of months and not a lot to show for it

 

[Maid22]

I hope everyone managed some sleep. I think I got 3 hours in the end. Insomnia sucks! But at least I’ve managed to get the washing done and hung up before 7am! Wishing you all a peaceful Sunday

Morning, I think I managed about 3 hours as well, feel like death now! My oh has gone out on his bike, so it's just me and the dog, no plans for today, it's really warm out there!

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

Hey I just switched from mitrazipine over to sertraline was wondering if when anyone started sertraline they found themself not really doing much? My appetite has went away completely and its making me feel groggy will this pass after a few weeks?

I've been taking Zoloft (sertraline) for 3 days and I feel like a zombie, I have zero appetite and my nausea is SO bad. I managed to keep down a Magnum ice cream today and that's all. My head is killing me and my brain fog is off the scale.

I decided to start on half the dose my GP gave me, and I'm glad I did because I'd hate to see what I'd be like at full dose.

I was warned that things would be bad but OMG.

I missed my best friend's birthday this evening too.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Im keeping an eye on myself as I feel like im spiralling down but not 100% sure.

 

[Eeyore147]

I’m going out today into the real world and I am terrified.

It’s my best friend’s wedding. I have to go. I want to go. It’s actually just the reception as they got married in New York two weeks ago, so this is a very relaxed evening thing. But I feel on the very edge of a panic attack.

I’m dropping my eldest to my mum, my youngest (and the dog) to his dad (which in itself is a stress), and then I’m carrying on from there. The drive itself is long. I’m not ready to leave home and I’m already exhausted - you know when your eyes are heavy and your brain is just off?

I do want to go. This is my very best friend. We have been through so much. She would understand completely if I said I couldn’t face it, and she would absolutely respect that, but I can’t.

I know I’m pushing myself too far, but I’m in this situation where I know I will feel worse (like a failure) if I don’t go.

I know how you are feeling, and how you must be dreading it. Do you use anything to distract/ground yourself in these situations? I have discreet fiddle things that I focus on.
Just take it one step at a time, can you leave a bit earlier so you can rest and re-focus after the drive? Do you know others there that can support you?
I hope that you do have a wonderful evening xxx

 

[Good Egg]

Hi all

Hope you are doing ok. I think the depression is coming back. That dark sinking feeling.

I was really ill in 2006 and SH.
I wouldn’t say I’m that level at the moment but I certainly don’t feel great and keep having fleeting thoughts of “why am I here” which scares me. ALot has happened over the last five years and to be honest I’m at breaking point.

I’m alone, a single parent. Toxic family members it’s all too much or rather it’s all catching up with me. I FEEL tired. I’m exhausted most days and just want to sleep the moment I wake up. I do work. Some days I don’t even know how I’m going to drag myself in and function but I do.
My weight is fluctuating. I lost 10kg and I’ve put on 2kg.
I comfort eat (a lot). I’ve just eaten half a block of cheese, crisps because food is comfort. Probably my only comfort.

Does this sound like depression or something more? I did see the GP a few months back but I am reluctant to try medication.

How do I get out of this?
Any tips help or advice would be really grateful to hear.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

I'm not sure how to quote a post in the last thread and will inevitably bungle it, so I won't try - but @Sideboard Bob I kept wanting to reply properly to your last post there, and I hoped it might be interesting for others too. I read your post (and please tell me if I'm overstepping / getting it wrong) as being at least partly about intrusive thoughts. With that in mind, I wondered if you had read about Internal Family Systems therapy? It was founded by Dr Richard Schwartz and builds on the idea that we all have all these 'parts' - critical parts, angry parts, sad parts, distracting parts etc. - that exist for good reason but sometimes get kind of distorted and scream for attention. So rather than thinking of the mind / ourselves as one thing, thinking of ourselves as a huge family of parts. It's a bit like inner child work, but more flexible. And the reason I thought it might be of interest is because he talks a lot about how (and why) these parts act out, telling us terrible things, scaring us, punishing ourselves etc. They're all doing it to try to protect us (in a misguided way sometimes) and just want a bit of attention. Once we give them attention, they can relax. That's my amateur summary, but I hope it helps. I find it is working quite well for me at the moment (but as a disclaimer, I am a big advocate of talk therapy etc. at the best of times, and I know it's not for everyone and is no replacement for medication, which I do also take).

Sending love to all.

ETA a link for further reading just in case: https://ifs-institute.com/about-us/richard-c-schwartz-phd and https://ifs-institute.com/store/419 . Not the most modern website but a decent starting point. And Dick Schwartz has been on lots of podcasts recently too.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Haha, I forgot to switch the hot water on, and I’ve still not dried it

Ah it’ll dry by itself while you watch tv!

 

[Pollyanna263]

 

[Woolmercardington]

@Pollyanna263 thank you, I did manage to do it, I'm such a technophobe!!

@Woolmercardington gosh no, it was something else we were chatting about, please don't think it was about your post x

Oh thanks, no worries. I'm not used to talking about anything relating to depression in regards to myself, so I'm a bit unsure about how to phrase things to explain myself. It's really difficult to explain. I know what I mean in my head, though

 

[Jotham]

Does anyone have any tips on apps for your mental health? I'm interested in seeing if there are any that may be helpful in dealing with depression and anxiety. I currently use Daylio for journalling/mood tracking and Presently for gratitude, but I was wondering if any of you have other suggestions. I'm also thinking of subscribing to Headspace if it's good. Thanks everyone and I hope you are doing well.

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

@Rodneytrotter hoping your day is going OK. More than half way over now!

Once when I was panicking about sleeping well before an exam, I googled extensively and read that a night of sleeplessness mainly affects things like motor skills rather than cognitive skills - the example given was that you’d be more likely to drop a plate or mug or something, but you’d still remember things you’d learned and be able to recall things from your memory. Things that might be less optimum were the physical things we do on autopilot, like putting shoes on, brushing teeth etc.

So hopefully that will set you in good stead for your first day, even if your role is more physical than knowledge-based, as presumably day one anywhere is about meeting people and learning where the loos kinda thing, are etc. Anyway, just wanted to share in case it helps

 

[Jotham]

Thank you so much, that’s really helpful. I’ve actually already bought the Burns one, it looks good!

Thank you so much for this. Just knowing I’m not alone is a huge thing for me because that’s how I feel - alone. All of the time.

No problem! I also attended a group therapy session a few years ago on self-hate and anxiety, and at the end of the session our therapist gave us a list of future resources to turn to that included books and websites. I haven't tried them out myself but if I do and they're effective I might share them as well.

And I totally agree with feeling a little better just through knowing I'm not alone. I only recently discovered this thread but it seems like a very heartwarming community and I'm grateful I discovered this. I'm wishing everyone reading this a great week and month.

When I feel like this, it is like 2 1/2 years ago is rearing its head. Those feelings are knocking at the door and it is taking every single ounce of my strength not to let them in. I have to not eat everything, not restrict, not curl in a ball and want to hide from the world. The pressure in my chest is huge. Even writing this is causing pain.

I totally agree with this. 2019 had been the worst year of my life (though 2022 is giving it a run for its money) and I'm really scared that I'm going through a mental health relapse. All I can do is convince myself that this is part of the process and that I've conquered bad days in the past.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I get that same feeling, it's horrible.

 

[Maid22]

@Eeyore147 thank you, you're so kind, my oh has been on about me going to drs, but my dog has issues, so I need to deal with him first x
The last few weeks have been really hard, long story short, we brought a puppy, my other dog would not take to him, every day for 2 months, I hoped it would work, but no, so we made a decision to re-home pup, that broke my heart, and the woman who wanted him has treated us like shit, all I wanted was to see him, I txt her twice, rung her once, then I got threatened with police for harrassing her, I told her to bring it on ( she actually hadn't paid all the money for pup) I was stupid, let my guard down and trusted her, bigger fool me.

 

[flutternutter]

Honestly I think some of us have to accept that we just naturally have a lower “happiness set point” than average. I think there’s some comfort in recognising that. Cherish the moments of joy. Try and find things to be grateful for. Finding a community of likeminded people here where you can share without judgment is something worthy of gratitude I think.

I hear you, though. Life can feel like an exercise in endurance, merely surviving, but not living. I think some of us are just predisposed to find life harder than it should be.

Its just exhausting sometimes. My whole body is flat out noping me every day lol
I want to tidy the house, sort out my wardrobe etc but i just cant. Ive managed a pasta sauce for tea tonight but now im just lying in bed

 

[Maid22]

Am having a bad time at the mo, but don't feel like I can chat in here, I really don't want flippant responses, sending to you guys who need it x

 

[lemonlavender]

2 failed relationships ( one cheated, I dumped him and the other decided I wasn't for him as I had low self esteem, I did too much for him and his daughter and I had put on weight !!!) , stressful job, a miscarriage in the mix finally took its toll. I've been on anti depressants now for 4.5 years, an 8 week stay in St Pats Dublin in 2020. Straight into lockdown once I came home. I live alone so I definitely feel last few years have been tough!

Currently on sick leave from work. Attended my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and said I'm still not feeling great finding the mornings so tough. Low motivation, no energy etc. So I'm currently weaning off venlaflaxine ( was on max dose 375mg) along with citalopram 20mg.
In 2 weeks or so I will be starting zyban 150mg, has anyone been on this (its normally used to wean off cigarette addiction)
Thanks for reading