The Depression Thread #2

[Pollyanna263]

Thank you all so much

I’m safely back in my hotel room, in my pjs, with some snacks and some water and music in my headphones to try and switch off.

I’m so pleased I went, I really am.
I’m struggling already with the fallout, though. As soon as I left I started shivering and felt nauseous.

Am calmer now I’m in the room. So tired.

Have to pick my 3 year old up after breakfast so back to reality with no time to rest. God forbid his dad actually parents for 24 whole hours
I had him on video call before bed saying “I miss you too much mummy” which taps right in to my abandonment guilt from when he was born and I was unable to be with him for almost 24 hours. He hasn’t seen his dad in person for 3 months so it’s no wonder. Apparently video calls are enough

Anyway…….

Thank you. I really mean that. Thank you for your support xxx

 

[Pollyanna263]

Just checking in. I’m reading, and sending love to all who need it.
I’m so sorry I don’t have capacity to reply individually right now. But I am reading.
Keep talking if it helps xxx

 

[ilovepizza21]

So after a really bad time I did post in here about it all the other week. Things improved I felt happy and normal for a change and just like usual I get hit again. Does anyone else feel its 1 step forward and then 100 back again.

So today had a call from Daughters school all they said was I need to come in with meeting with the head. Okay booked it in for Monday all they said was it was due to her behaviour. Then the anxiety kicked in had a massive panic attack First one in a while. Called school back the head called me back a short while later to expand on the little information they gave me. Anyways turns out she sent nasty voice notes to another child (turns out it wasn't her but her friend used her phone) I've spoke to her and she got a right telling off. And the head is concerned about her relationship/making friends side of things.

Told her dad (my ex who's a narcissist who abused me for a long time in every shape of form) of course gave him all Information I had at this point for him say did you not ask question what she did, doesn't sound like something she do blab blah blah) I turned and said both children are turning into children I don't like nor have i taught them to behave in this way (my eldest I've had police involvement as his now assulted me a few times again no support from his dad. He will often ask my son what I've done to piss him off ) and of course after the comment I made of they turning into not very nice children his reply was not like that with me. Well of course not you have them 48hrs every other week ffs. 4nights a month to me having them every other time is the same isn't it

Ended the conversation there as it goes round in circles because his a useless twat. But I so crave that parent partnership my sis and brother have with thier exs I know I will never get it but I spend 14 nearly 15years with this man and the lack support and respect I get is such a hard pill to swallow especially when I'm always the bad guy.

Sorry for the massive rant needed to get it off my chest. As once again I feel like I'm sinking once a bloody again.

 

[Jotham]

I relapsed so bad this week. I was doing so well all May, then I got two job rejections in one day and then my anxiety and depression skyrocketed. It's this endless cycle of anxiety for the future, and then depression when a job application doesn't work out. On a more positive note, I think I'm still in a better mental state than in my last relapse? Gratitude's also definitely helped, along with gardening. They've helped me get out of bed in the morning, which is usually when I feel the worst.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I washed my hair yay! I still don’t think it should be easy for anyone else though.

 

[Pineapple glitter]

@watermelon sugar - I've bumped into you here and there on other threads and I ocassionally lurk on here. I just wanted to say after reading your post above that I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and what you're must be going through. I can't imagine how devastated you must feel. I hope it gets easier for you to bear as the weeks/months go on

 

[newaccount2022]

I spend like crazy when I’m upset/very low.. I’m usually great with money and love saving and being on budget. But I get in these moods where I just lose control, I just love spending

 

[newaccount2022]

I feel so unimportant to everyone.

I can never show that I’m having a bad day, I always treat people right. Yet everyone else can ignore me for the day or be snappy and moody with me and expect me to say nothing.

If I acted that way I’d be the worst in the world.

 

[Catnmouse]

I don’t have any real good friends that check up on me. I am so lonely. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. I just wish people would care about me. My kids are my life and they are the ones that keep me here.

I am so glad you have your kids. They sound truly special.

 

[loveulongtime0]

I absolutely hate new years, I’m always filled with dread for the year ahead but this year more so as I have so much going on. I just don’t want to be here. I’m constantly dragging people down as I’m struggling to hide how miserable I actually am. It feels like there’s a permanent dark cloud over my head.

 

[queenamber]

Does anyone else feel content alone? I’m never really depressed until my lifestyle is in the spotlight. I’m basically a content loner 95% of the time, I haven’t had the best experiences with family or relationships so I have a guard up but I am okay doing my own thing. Maybe in the future I’ll want to meet people but I have a huge list of things I want to do for myself and not enough hours to do them.

I was feeling fine in my routine then all the “what are you doing at the weekend?” combined with my mum throwing a strop via text because I couldn’t take a call, has really made my mood plummet this evening. I’ve been told I look like a party girl and I think me being a ‘hermit’ (i.e. never having social stories) really confuses people. They don’t know what to make of me.

I’m going to have to start pretending at work that I’ve done social stuff at the weekends. I’ll feel better in the morning, just wish things were different.

I get this all the time. I don't think some people understand how nice it is to be with your own company. I could happily spend the entire weekend by myself!

 

[Eeyore147]

Eventually left home, got kids and dog dropped off and got to hotel - that all took 4 hours. Just got ready, and now going to friend’s house to get her into her wedding dress.

I feel awful. Physically shaking, I was suddenly sick out of no where while I was getting ready which never ever happens to me, and I’m having a major hot flush.

I’m glad I’m not drinking and I’m driving so able to leave whenever I need to. Or even retreat to the safety of my car for a few minutes.

I need to do this for her, she is like the sister I never I had, I want to be there. But fuck it’s hard.

You’re doing really well. Be proud of yourself. If you have to leave early then that’s not an issue. Will be thinking of you xx

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I'm actually in the middle of keeping a headache diary for my neurologist - if he thinks I'm getting too many headaches in a month he may give me botox treatment.

That’s a really good idea. It helped me get the help I needed. I don’t get Botox (it doesn’t help with the type I get ) but it has transformed the life of someone I used to work with. There is a migraine thread. We discussed all the medication there. There is an app called migraine buddy if that makes it easier for you?

Spoiler: Migraine medication

I was given amitriptyline and verapamil in the past but am on topiramate and oxygen at the moment. It can be a long road and these hidden conditions are hard to live with but when you get some relief it is like a weight has been lifted.

 

[Hdt1]

I‘m so sorry you understand what it’s like. No wonder you feel crap, its a huge adjustment coming off medication x

Apart from typical withdrawal symptoms, it’s really not been that bad, but getting rid of that last 25mg has been so weird. Like massive Personality changes, struggling to control myself ie keeping it professional at work, can’t stop talking like chewing peoples ears off, not being able to remember the conversations, snarling and snapping at the kids…. I’ve taken a real dislike to my eldest child and feel absolutely terrible about it, I love them so much but she’s diving me bonkers! Wondering if life for me is actually living on 25mg sertraline! Can’t even remember why I wanted to come off it so bad now I’ve actually done it! X

 

[Jadejones9596]

I'm in a very dark place

Ive been single for 10 years, im 32. Whilst I see everyone around me create happy families and do lovely things with their partners I have been alone. Guys show me a bit of attention but either ghost me or leave after a couple of months
My dad chose my abusive step mother over me as a teenager and recently i was diagnosed with body dysmorphia and severe depression.
I had come along way and been discharged by the mental health service but after finding out the last guy I was seeing who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship is seeing someone I just dont think I can cope anymore.
I hate my life, I feel miserable and trapped. I have good friends but it's so hard to tell them you're at the end of your rope and your life feels worthless when they all thought you were better and are probably tired of having to help you and support you.
I dont know what to do anymore, I'll never find love and my life will always be pointless. I'll always be plagued with depression and I just dont know what to do.

 

[LaBlonde]

i am in an ocd spiral right now. won’t say exactly about what in case it triggers some peoples’ contamination fears but i wish that my ocd brain listened to the actual logical part of my brain that’s saying “no, look at all the evidence, you don’t have [thing]”. drives me crazy

still struggling. man, ocd is the worst. i thought my hit and run ocd was bad but this spiral has lasted about two weeks now and i just can’t deal with it. i’m gonna write under a spoiler just to get it out but warning that it’s about contamination ocd, just for anyone who might find that triggering.

basically, i have convinced myself i have bedbugs. this is based on no solid facts or evidence, purely that i woke up with blood on my pyjama top about two weeks ago. went into work and co-worker said “oh that happened to me when we had bed bugs”. well, it was an epic downward spiral since then. confirmed the blood was from a pimple i had obviously picked in the night, still convinced it is bugs. found black flecks on my bedding, confirmed to be mascara, convinced it is bugs. found what must be part of a leaf in my luggage from a hotel stay two months ago, sent a photo to bedbugs uk, they confirmed no bugs. a bug crawled on me today after moving patio furniture, took a photo and sent it to bedbugs uk, they confirmed no that’s not a bed bug and are probably on the verge of sending someone around to check on me.

i’ve tried all my usual coping mechanisms, all my usual routines but i can’t shake this one. when i found the leaf i genuinely sat on the floor and cried. when i looked at the photo i’d sent the next day i was like wtf at my past self but my brain is still saying “but what if”. there is literally no evidence but the thought of getting into my bed of a night is making me want to cry..

it’ll pass, i know, it always does but i truly hate my brain most of the time.

 

[Meringue22]

Hi all. I’ve never posted here before but I need to offload somewhere and I know you’ll all understand. I’m quite scared about how I’m feeling atm. My MH has taken an absolute dive. It has come as a bit of a shock even though I’ve had a couple of big life events happen recently. I think having to sell the family home (after my divorce) has tipped me over and this blackness surrounding me is horrid! I feel as if my meds aren’t helping at all and I hate having no energy or any interest in anything. I have no patience and it’s so draining! I was so excited about my future and what will be a fresh start for me but right now getting that feeling back seems impossible

 

[Maid22]

Does anyone else just wish they could sleep all the time. I hate being awake it’s too painful. Wish I could just sleep all day but I struggle with staying asleep. I only get really bad broken sleep with a few hours here and there

Not all the time, but just one night of good sleep, insomnia affects me really bad, managed to get hold of a sleeping tab yesterday, has made such a difference to me today, but I know it won't last.

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I'm ill at the moment so I can't but as soon as I feel better I will be decorating!!

 

[Maid22]

@Eeyore147 thank you, it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, still miss that little guy.
@watermelon sugar yes it's like a massive high, then bang, you're down in the depths, you need time to heal from what you've been through, take care x