The Depression Thread #2

[heron]

Hi everyone,

First time poster so hopefully I'm doing this correctly.

My boyfriend of 2 years who is severely depressed has broken up with me this week. I'm not sure what I'm looking for writing this but it may be cathartic to just type it out. He stopped seeing a therapist last year as his therapist left and he never got reassigned (through the public system). Contacting the office and/or GP was too much for him no matter how much I encouraged it. He said that he feels so unhappy all the time and that there's nothing that can help. He explained that he was a bad partner and couldn't give me the time, attention and engagement that I deserve. And although that may be true sometimes I was still incredibly happy with him and I feel completely broken.

I can't imagine not being with him. The day after we broke up I stayed with a friend and he rang me in tears apologising for hurting me and was talking about harming himself. I panicked and rang two friends to check on him as I was a bit further away. We also work together and he completely defines himself by his work. He has been under severe pressure recently and I can't remember a day in the last 2/3 months when he hasn't worked (including weekends). I always tried to be supportive and had meals ready and cleaned to house etc. to try and ease some pressure which I didn't mind doing. He said this week that the more nice things I did the more guilty he feels. I feel like there's no winning.

I am completely lost and love him so much. He is the most kind, gentle and caring person.

Thank you to anyone that reads this

 

[Jaybtee]

just had my PIP assessment over the telephone. for depression/anxiety and severe eczema. The lady was nice on the phone I didn't feel like she was badgering me or trying to trick me out. She says decision will be made in 6 weeks

 

[Fanny Muchmore]

I'm the same - just seeing a Christmas tree in someone's window when I'm going past makes me feel warm inside. How can something so harmless fill someone with such rage?

 

[Pollyanna263]

So I'm more of a lurker on tl but I'm in a rut atm!
I suffer with bpd, I've been okay for a couple of years, I have therapy & was happily working thru my issues.

Until a couple of weeks ago when my horse needed the vet as he's getting on & isn't as comfortable as he was. The vet said in no uncertain term that this will more than 80% be his last summer. I'm more than aware that he's older but the thought of this being our last summer has killed me. It's triggered a huge downward fall in my mood & tbh I just don't want to this anymore. I know this seems petty & I should feel privileged to have shared the past 3 years with him. But this horse has saved my life more than a few. He's the keeper of all my secrets, he's my escape from reality on a daily basis. No matter how shit my day, I know when I arrive at the farm he will be there shouting me & happy to see me. I don't remember life before him.

He's the one solid consistent in my life, he's never left me or let me down. I have no family of my own, I have a partner & my son but that's where my family ends. My mother is an alcoholic, father ducked out when I was 3.

I've lived thru alot of trauma in my 30 years of life. I just don't know if this ticking time bomb of loosing my best friend is the cherry on the cake.
3 times last week I found myself a crying mess, crisis team never answered as was busy & so was the text line for samaritans.
I just don't want to anymore

The fact that you’re aware of how you feel, and you’re worried about it, is a good thing. It shows that you have self-awareness, and the presence of mind to ask for help.

If you have access to the crisis team, do you also have a named MH nurse or a Psychiatrist overseeing your care? (sorry I don’t know how the crisis team works)
If you do, it’s time to tell them how you feel.
If you don’t, you need to either call the crisis team again tomorrow morning, or you need to call your GP surgery as soon as they open and say you need to see the duty team for urgent MH support.

You can do this x

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’ve only ever tried Prozac/Fluoxetine and I found it quite helpful. I had my share of side effects but I think it was worth it. After several months I started feeling calm, a bit numb and quite happy. I’m off medication now but I’m thinking of asking to be put back on it again. Prozac was also good for managing my ED. I really feel your pain @parrot456 as I’m in a similar situation myself, I really hope you find something that works for you x

Sending a big hug to everyone on here

So my father in law was discharged from hospital, they think it was a mix of him still being poorly from the last time, and the new medication the hospital had put him on. It stopped his kidneys from working, but slowly they have started to improve. We also found out that the last time he was in the hospital he had sepsis and e.Coli!!

So as we were celebrating the good news of him getting discharged, I got a phonecall from my husband's aunt to say that his uncle had passed away He'd been poorly for a long time but it was still a shock.

It was his funeral on Monday but I was unable to go as my husband went and I had to stay home to look after my father in law. Wish I could have gone to pay my respects.

It just feels like we're being constantly battered without any rest at all. Feel mentally and physically exhausted.

Spoiler: TW: grief

I know it’s a very personal thing so different people will have different experience, but I lost a relative last year (it was a sudden death) and I sort of regret going to his funeral. It was very painful for me and I didn’t really feel like I was paying my respects. I wish I would have remembered him alive instead. I’m sorry you were not able to go despite wanting to, but you can definitely pay your respects and say goodbye without going to the funeral. Please don’t beat yourself over it and take care of yourself

 

[ilovepizza21]

TW - suicidal thoughts - not about acting on them, just about having them.
Also a mention of birth trauma.

Looking for reassurance about professional intervention when admitting to these thoughts.

Will put it all behind a spoiler for those who need to avoid reading x

It’s got long, sorry.


I’m absolutely not thinking about acting on it, but I have been having thought of ‘I wish I wasn’t here’ or ‘I wish everything would just disappear forever’
The frequency and intensity varies. At the moment it’s okay, rare, but a few weeks ago it was constant.
I won’t leave my children, so I’m confident I won’t act on it. It’s just that everything is too much.

I have recently, finally, managed to be open with my therapist about it, and she has been exactly what I needed her to be. She already knew that my biggest fear in my birth trauma was that I wasn’t going to come home, and that these thoughts now have left me so, so confused because it seems ridiculous to me that I now feel that leaving my children is the answer when that fear was the thing that broke me in the first place.

Anyway - I had a psychiatrist appointment a few days ago and towards the end he unexpectedly asked me if I ever had thoughts that it would be better if I wasn’t here.
The appointment had been going so well up to then, I’d been really open with him and made such progress (was 4th appt with him), but then that floored me and I totally froze.

He was lovely. Really reassured me and was so kind. Apologised for upsetting me. Said it was understandable if I felt these things, when I’d been coping with so much for so long.
I managed to tell him that I had spoken about it with my therapist (they are through the same centre)

I emailed my therapist afterwards to tell her, and she replied straight away to say it’s okay to have these thoughts, stay grounded and don’t worry.

I’m just panicking that it’s going to result in some kind of red flag or something with the children. They do know that I have a huge (irrational) fear of my children being taken away, or of me not being able to care for them. They have reassured me that this isn’t a concern for them. They know that even at my worst points, I’ve always been a ‘good enough’ mum and I will never ever let my children suffer.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for really with this post…. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

It's should be a red flag hun when I went docs the other month I told her the same even when I attempted it. Nothing came from it and id fault id loose my kids. I've been having these feelings for years I have acted on them tho but I now know I won't because I'm out the situation that drove me to do it in the first place. Your doing everything you should and should be proud of what your achievements. Your great no matter if you don't feel it. Sending you hugs xxx

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Just wanted to do a Sunday night check in to remind us all that we’re stronger than we give ourselves credit for and I hope you all have a good week.

@Rodneytrotter and @newaccount2022 - good luck in your new jobs! Can’t believe you’re moving in from Trotters International Trading Rodders!

@Into_the_tunnel I’ve seen bigger sparks of your wit in this weekends posts, you’ve had me hooting. As have you @Sideboard Bob. I don’t know about anyone else but when I see posters here on other threads, I feel a bit ‘safer’. Sounds a bit naff actually, I don’t think I’m explaining it well at all! I feel comfortable sharing here and just because I join in other threads, it doesn’t mean everything is great and you lovely people get that

You are so lovely @LennyBriscoe I hope you’re doing as ok as can be? And you’re so right! People don‘t understand that just getting through everyday things can be so hard with depression, it takes a lot of strength, but we forget we have that.

Aww, I’m genuinely flattered to make someone with such a good sense of humour laugh!

I know exactly what you mean about the threads

 

[Reverend]

So I am a musician, as is my mum. She is widowed and doesn't drive.

This year she has arranged several charity gigs at supermarkets etc. A number of people who said they would play dropped out and she got me to do them, and I reluctantly agreed as some of them were during work time. I told her that this was a one-off and I wouldn't do this next year. This afternoon I received a text saying that I wasn't being supportive of her and I had a phone call with her in tears, saying she was lonely. I reminded her how many days off I had taken for her this month, rescheduled work meetings for her, not being able to go out with my partner, and that I had my own band engagements to do which were numerous too.

I should add that for many years, I had to do my own band as well as hers. Plus she would shout and occasionally hit me, often humiliating me. After my dad died, I gave her notice that I had met someone and wasn't going to do all these concerts etc. She stopped shouting and has done tears instead.

I called on her, straight after and found her eating her lunch, so she wasn't that upset. I'm now feeling rubbish for something that really has nothing to do with me.

 

[barmcake]

Starting a new job next Thursday and I’m in such a low rut... Really hoping it breaks a bit before then.

I’m trying to keep a sleep routine and sit outside in the sun as much as possible but I just feel like I’m sinking constantly.

does anyone else just dream of winning the lotto and living a simple life forever

Good luck with the new job, am sincerely hoping all goes well. (Serenity prayer) 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it'. Easier said than done but we'll all keep helping each other and trying.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Why are other people so LOUD!

It can be so overwhelming. I hope you’re coping as well as can be. You know we all understand how impressive it is that you made it there today x

 

[flutternutter]

I took the first one last night and it did make me drowsy but I woke up several times in the night unfortunately and had quite disturbed sleep so opposite of your experience.

I’m also starting private therapy next week. Worried about how it’ll go as I couldn’t even get through the phone call with the doctor yesterday without crying.

I cried during my first session and barely recounted why i was so sad... it gets easier!

Im absolutely MISERABLE today. I can't get out of this head space. I have a million things I could be doing but can't start. The house is a mess. I'm a mess.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Does anyone just get so easily overwhelmed by life? There are so many things I‘ve messed and screwed over for myself, and it may be partly because of being depressed, but I know really it’s my own fault.

I miss you Bob! The JM thread isn’t for me just now but I miss you guys.

I 100% get overwhelmed with life too. And once I’m there, I really struggle to get back. But because I’m fantastic at giving people advice I don’t take myself, as a complete stranger from the internet, I can say in all honesty that you deserve to come to peace with stuff from your past. There’s nothing we can do to change the past but we can change the future but we can’t do that if we take everything with us.

Things get tangled up in a big ball and the ball gets bigger and bigger. And then anxiety gets thrown in when we start to think we’ll never break free from these feelings. I’m wondering if you think you don’t deserve to be happy (sorry if I’ve got that wrong) but that is not the case. Are you honestly looking back on these things or are you more inclined to make your part in it worse because you’re convinced you’re at the root of it all? I don’t think we’re always our best judge of character. I’m always banging on about AA and the 12 Steps but a huge part of that - which I think works for much more people than addicts alone - is clearing away the wreckage of the past. There’s a lot to be said for “don’t look back, you’re not going that way”.

Lots of love SB

 

[newaccount2022]

I can relate to that. When I hit my all-time low last autumn, I started sleeping for 11-12 hours straight. I go to bed at 1am and get up a 1pm (I work and study in the evening). When I wake up, I don’t feel refreshed but groggy and miserable. I think it’s something to do with the stages of sleep, it takes me ages to fall asleep and I have very vivid and chaotic dreams so I guess I just wake up during the wrong stage. Are you the same? I’m trying to introduce better sleep hygiene, will report back if it works for me x

Thanks for your wisdom xx

I have definitely always struggled with sleep, even back when I was a child! In the past year or so my depression has definitely hit a new low and that’s when my sleeping habits changed - I was going from never sleeping, getting probably 4-6 hours a night, always going out and getting up at the crack of dawn and feeling so giddy/like I couldn’t sit down. Now I am physically, mentally, emotionally wrecked and all I want to do is lie down and sleep. If I can fit in 10-12 hours I definitely do, but like you I never wake up feeling rested or energized. I also suffer from horrible, vivid dreams where nothing visual really happens but it’s more that I have intense panic/fear and wake up in that state.

For better sleep hygiene - I definitely need to start getting in and out of bed at the same time daily, and not getting back into bed at 10am on a Saturday like I did yesterday! I’m hoping to also walk home from work from now on to get some evening exercise in and hopefully this helps.

For today.. I’m up, went for a walk and got a coffee, I’m showered, and feeling much less panic stricken than yesterday thank god.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Ugh Polly that’s too much for anyone to cope with at once. Like @Maid22 I‘m keeping my fingers crossed for your dog for Tuesday. I don’t know if it helps, but you’ve got us internet strangers really rooting for you x

It helps so much, thank you and @Maid22

I feel weird saying that, but I know you guys get it.


The dog situation is just another shit thing on top of an already massive pile of shit things. She’s a massive worry as the concern is that she may have a tumour - she had one removed 2 years ago and now there’s a lump behaving in the same way and I’m terrified. My vet is amazing and has fitted her in Tuesday, as the next surgery spot they had was 3 weeks and she knew I wouldn’t cope waiting that long.

Therapy is finally beginning to feel like it’s doing something, and that in itself is hard. Poking at childhood wounds that have been buried my whole life, while the actual goal is to get control of PTSD which has taken over my every waking (and sleeping, actually) moment for 3 1/2 years.

Then I’m also weaning one lot of meds ready to swap onto new ones, so I’ve got side effects of withdrawal which are frankly awful.

All while solo parenting a teen and a pre-schooler. And a dog.

Some days I wonder how I’m surviving and then I realise I can’t think about it as actually it’s overwhelmingly terrifying because if I actually think about how much shit goes on day to day I will crumble.


Argh sorry. That all just came out.

I’m going back to the Hinch thread to use more swear words and let my rage out there at their reckless parenting!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

@Sideboard Bob I keep meaning to ask how are you? Has felt abit awkward in here, but am over that, miss our late night chats!!

Awww thank you @Maid22 you are so sweet, and I miss that too. I‘m glad you’re over the awkward feeling.

I’m ok really, just struggling a bit. I’ve not posted here much because I don’t even know what to say. How are you lovely?

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

My medication has just been increased again. I’m relatively new to Amitriptylene but my last phone consultation with the Psychiatrist and I just didn’t have the energy to try and put a spin on how I’m feeling (which I shouldn’t do anyway - it’s like when my Dad had a home help and he used to tidy up for her coming round!)

I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life and that’s just the way it is. There are things I can do to help myself that I’m not always good at doing but I think it’s catch 22 - you feel shit and you can’t even be arsed doing what you know will help - the worse you feel.

It’s difficult to ‘care’ for people you don’t know but I can honestly say that when I read this thread, I sympathise or empathise with a lot and I think about you guys.

Does anyone else hate falling out with people? I haven’t fallen out with any of my friends since I left school (but the big difference is I don’t let people walk all over me or people please like I did then) but last night I said something that needed to be said from a place of love and she wasn’t happy. Threw it back in my face with a couple of insults and I’ve honestly barely slept.

Are you still awake? What you will have said will have come from love and their response is on them. It is not on you to respond to their reactions. Easier said than done at 6am compared to 3am when it feels like the world is closing in.

Obviously, rumination is a huge part of depression and when there is nothing else to stop those thoughts spiralling, your sleep suffers.

As you have said, you know what you need to do to take care of yourself, but we don’t do we? Please look after yourself today.

 

[Maid22]

What about your partner and your son? Are they not consistent, solid people in your life?

Sometimes that's not enough, when you're in a dark hole, you really don't give a fuck about anyone or anything

 

[GiggleBee]

I dont know if ive posted in this thread before or if this post will even make sense.

Im tired of life. Tired of being treated like 'the bad guy'. I would never act on thoughts but weekly I get the thought of not wanting to be here.

Im on medication and under the mental health team but at the moment nothings helping. I just phoned the crisis team who told me I need to expand my friendship circle, which is easier said than done. Im not someone people want to be friends with.

I dont really know where else this post is going but I just needed vent somewhere.

 

[mochibean]

After being manic for 6 months I'm now faced with the inevitable depression. I can handle it but my god it's hard.

It’s hit me like a truck the past week. Had to book today and tomorrow off work. I’ve been mute since Friday, haven’t opened my mouth once.

I’d pay anything or do anything that would take this pain away.

I go mute too with depression it's just awful. Especially since I'm usually such a chatty person.

I hope you feel better asap. <3

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Are you still awake? What you will have said will have come from love and their response is on them. It is not on you to respond to their reactions. Easier said than done at 6am compared to 3am when it feels like the world is closing in.

Obviously, rumination is a huge part of depression and when there is nothing else to stop those thoughts spiralling, your sleep suffers.

As you have said, you know what you need to do to take care of yourself, but we don’t do we? Please look after yourself today.

I didn’t get back to sleep but my son got up not long after I posted so that took my mind off things. I’ve got a huge knot in my stomach even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s because I care I wanted her to get back on track.

Spoiler: Alcoholism

Honestly ITT, will you tell me if I speak about this too much? My friend is a very dear friend I met in AA. We struggled together and then got sober within a few months of each other and after a considerable period, she’s relapsed. I’ve had my suspicions for a while but after I asked her, she admitted it. I went to a meeting yesterday and I text her to see if she was up to going and she basically said she wouldn’t be back. I said I wasn’t going to pressurise her but I was disappointed she felt that way and she turned in a heartbeat. Personal attacks about my quality of sobriety, how she’s disappointed in me for asking her, she told me as a friend she’d been drinking and I’d upset her.

I said I didn’t know where it came from but she was bang out of order commenting on my sobriety and she said the truth hurts. It really doesn’t, I know what I need to do and I’m not always quick off the mark. She said she didn’t want to fall out but she was disappointed too and thanks for all the help I’d given her. I didn’t reply. I’m beyond worried but I’m also feeling like I’ve done something wrong, when I know I haven’t. If she can’t see it’s come from a place of love then I can’t help that. I hate this though. In all the melee last night, I forgot to take my tablets )

I text one of my non-AA friends and she sent me this article because we’re both the same. She also said that we could both do with putting ourselves first for a change.

https://www.archive.is/oldest/https...yle/2022/apr/29/confessions-of-a-hyper-empath