The Depression Thread #2

[What1981]

Hi, this is my first time posting.
I feel as if I'm really struggling with my depression. My Rheumatoid Arthritis is flaring up and poorly with gallstones and waiting for my gallbladder removed. Currently off work. This scares me as worried about losing my job due to absence and my wages. Sorry for rambling on. I just feel so lost lately. Sending love & strength to everybody

 

[Maid22]

@ilovepizza21 it took me ages to find a med that would 'balance' me, I know I'll be on them for the rest of my life, I had councelling years ago, but it really didn't help, I'd have to pay for it now, and tbh, I wouldn't know where to start from. I keep alot of issues inside me,as I'm sure alot of you on this thread do, but it's nice this thread is a safe place for us x

 

[newaccount2022]

It’s hit me like a truck the past week. Had to book today and tomorrow off work. I’ve been mute since Friday, haven’t opened my mouth once.

I’d pay anything or do anything that would take this pain away.

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

I totally understand, I'm also in bed, really trying hard not to cry, music helps me. x

So sorry it’s rough isnt it. Funny thing with me is I can’t listen to music anymore. Music holds too many memories for me. It’s such a shame as I used to be a big music fan. I tend to put on a silly film like Harry Potter or something I don’t need to concentrate on.

 

[pusheencat00]

I’m back again. Been struggling for ages but ‘just’ writing that down has felt too difficult. But today is particularly dark and I wanted to reach out because I’m feeling more alone than ever.
I’m going to try to get things off my chest but I’ll put it in a spoiler so you don’t have to read if you don’t want to (I won’t be offended ). Apologies if the spoiler doesn’t work - I hardly post on Tattle so I’ve never done one before!!

Spoiler

I genuinely feel like I have nothing to live for. I can’t work due to health conditions and tbh I spend 99% of my days in bed. Financially I can’t do anything nice for myself, not even a hair cut so naturally I feel awful about myself and my self image. I l’m autistic so struggle with friendships at the best of times but I have no friends now. I genuinely feel so alone. All my hobbies I either can’t afford to do or can’t do because of my health. Getting no help from mental health services or social work/social care. I just can’t shake the fact that no one gives a crap and no one would miss me.

To finish on a more positive note, I have to give some credit to my cat. He makes me smile even on days like today.

 

[xoxoxo13]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Maybe your medication needs tweaked if it's not working so well anymore?

Sending love and hugs.

It was tweaked, but I still have no energy. I don't know whether it's the meds or the depression or me just never being able to do anything.

After over ten years of struggling with this, I really don't know what the truth is anymore. The doctor told me to go for a daily walk and I can't even do that. Being unemployed for so long doesn't help my mental health either. I'm just so tired. And it still feels like such a small thing compared to other people. That it shouldn't be this hard. That I should just get over it.

 

[newaccount2022]

Finally bucked up to go to therapy and was due to start this morning at 9am. Main issue I wanted to deal with is not feeling important or special to anyone, like I’m invisible and nobody would notice if I just dropped off the earth.

Therapist texts at 8.55 she forgot to set an alarm and won’t make it. Innocent mistake I know and I’m not annoyed with her. Just feel like it’s a typical thing that would happen to me and it reinforces my feeling that I don’t matter. Crying in the middle of town now lol

 

[Pollyanna263]

@LennyBriscoe I hope you have a brilliant evening Your friend will just be pleased to see you, I’m sure. They won’t notice anything else.

My musings on food (I’m a secret comfort eater). Hiding in case you don’t have the capacity for it just now, but please know you aren’t alone x

Spoiler

A person’s relationship with food is so up and down over the years, isn’t it? When we find ourselves doing things we think we ‘shouldn’t’ we end up feeling worse about ourselves; but if we don’t do those things (eg we don’t eat the food we really want to eat) we end up feeling so many other things mentally and emotionally.

I know for me, if I suddenly find myself eating and I think I ‘shouldn’t’ and I stop myself, I then get annoyed (with myself for getting to that point),
upset (that food leaves me feeling like this)
and then I feel tired - as if the denial has made my body suffer in some way (which it usually hasn’t as actually it was crap I was going to eat and would only give immediate gratification, not long term)
I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last 12-18 months and I’m not at all happy, but I don’t have the capacity to do anything about it just now so I’m trying to reach acceptance. It’s hard.

@Into_the_tunnel I love reading your posts

 

[Pollyanna263]

Sending a big hug to those who might need it this evening.

And back to you

 

[Maid22]

Hi, I'm okay, I think? I don't really know if I'm honest. The adult mental health have assigned me a new cpn & my psychologist has put working thru my past trauma on hold.

So I guess it's just a case of taking each day as it comes and seeing how things go.

How are you?

I get that feeling of feeling ok but deep down you know you aren't, but am so glad for you you're getting help x
I'm ok, was just talking to my oh about our dog we lost last year, I need a nice pic of him but have only recently been able to look his pics, I've lost many loved pets over the years, but that one has literally broken my heart, so I really understand where you're coming from with your horse x

I am clearing my bedroom out because in my deep depression stage I just do not give a fuck and let things pile and pile. You know like those people you see who get trapped behind mountains of stuff - I feel like that would be me.

I've done that when I've been really bad, I chucked so much stuff out, nothing I have means anything to me apart from my oh, my dog and some photos, and after I done it, felt like a weight had been lifted, hope you're ok x

 

[Slaybutter]

I’m caught in this vicious cycle where buying things gives me a dopamine rush but then thinking about having to return things that don’t work saps me of said dopamine.

Seriously, I would subscribe to a service where someone comes over, looks at all the stuff in the corner close to the front door, and sorts out the returns. No judgments, no questions asked. Just putting it in to the universe brings me peace. 🥲

 

[Laughingforlife]

Has anyone found that their depression has been called everything but what it actually is?!
Unless you explicitly tell someone "I think I'm depressed" they really don't get it, I've found.
I know it's because it's all in your head and mostly you seem fine to the outside world.
Last year, in August, I was told by a friend that my depression was "just the heat".
I'd been feeling terrible since the November. Yeah it was definitely the heat in December, wasn't it?!

 

[Maid22]

I hadn't realised until earlier there was a new thread, I'm ok at the mo, but just wanted to send to all the lovely folk on this thread.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Been for the dog’s post-op check. Vet has had the lab results - no tumour!!

Such a relief.

 

[Pebs19]

I've just found this thread and tbh I've not known where to turn for a long time.
I've been diagnosed with moderate depression and serve aniexty. I suffered horrifically with PND and last year I was in such a bad place I tried to hurt myself.
I've worked so hard on myself and will regret that day as long as I live.
Recently things have been pretty awful for me. I think for the first time in my life I've felt the true meaning of feeling alone.
I feel I don't have no one to turn to. My friends, well I feel I have no friends, they seem to be their for each other but never me.
Work - I don't enjoy and has a massive impact on my mental health.
My partner works 24/7 literally puts his laptop down at 5 to have some family time with children, but just runs back to his laptop to check his email as he 'wants to get on in there'. I bath the kids put them to bed, my LG still sleeps in our bed and will sit there just in silence after shes fell asleep. I find myself scrolling my phone constanly and as much as i hate to admit and i knoe ieverything isnt as it seems, im jealous of other peoples lives - I talk to him about how I feel. He says I hinder him getting on and he promises to spend time with me but it doesn't happen. As he works till late most nights. He'll sleep downstairs as he doesn't want to disturb us or say I was too tired/not enough room in the bed (it's a king and she's 2).
My parents seem to always make things about themselves I can't talk to them without it going back to them and that adding more stress to me. I say this issue what ive came to you now is about me, my mum said sorry but she just wants me to make me understand I won't be the first/last who has gone through this. Talks about me for a sentence and then goes back to her for the rest of the conversation.

It was agreed with my GP that I'd come off my anti depressants as I was withdrawn when on them (8 months ago). Bit I'm struggling so bad at the moment, I've called TALK for help and they said it's a long wait.

I honestly don't know what to do no more. I feel so weak, alone and I do genuinely feel that if I disappeared (apart from my children, who are my world) no one would notice.

I'm not a harm to myself, but I don't know,I'm even crying writing this but I just needed to get it somewhere. I feel I'm no one,including myselfs' priority. I've tired talking to family/friends and said I'm struggling and no one seems to be there.

Sorry for the long post and I apologise if I've rambled

 

[Agent Cooper]

My therapist suggested to me The Worry Cure, I found it helpful but it's mostly for dealing with anxiety. He also had me do exercises for Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and the Feeling Good Handbook by Burns. They can be pretty lengthy but they have helpful sections about depression.

Thank you so much, that’s really helpful. I’ve actually already bought the Burns one, it looks good!

@Agent Cooper no advice as such (I’m sorry) but just want to say I understand and am going through similar so you’re not alone. It’s so hard to find the time and energy to commit to proper counselling, let alone find the money. I know if I started counselling now all of my relationships and my work would suffer for at LEAST a year and I just don’t have the strength to go through that right now. All I’ve done so far is try to ‘confront’ my feelings more by writing them down instead of trying to ignore them. It’s not therapy but it’s helped a little in understanding myself. Thinking of you 🤍

Thank you so much for this. Just knowing I’m not alone is a huge thing for me because that’s how I feel - alone. All of the time. Friends, family, colleagues, they just don’t understand. They will tell you everyone is ‘a little depressed’ nowadays. They will tell you to stop whining and get yourself together. They will ask you how you’re doing and say you are ruining their mood when you are honest. They’ll tell you you need to distract yourself. And God knows I’ve tried. Fuck it. Fuck sports, fuck eating healthily, fuck putting on good movies and going on long walks. Nothing works when a big black hole is sucking in everything that’s good.

I’m coming to the conclusion that I need to try counselling. I don’t know how yet, but I cannot manage it myself anymore. I tried going to bed early today and had what looks like one of my biggest breakdowns instead. It was ugly and loud but nobody came to check on me because I’m by myself. I feel like all the progress has been destroyed. I don’t even know why I keep on going to be honest. I feel like I deserve a happy patch after everything I’ve been through. Wouldn’t it just be fair?

I’m going to put on some rain sounds and try to get some sleep anyway. I hope everyone on here is okay and doing better than me I will be thinking of you all.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I saw this yesterday, it’s so true in different ways for all of us

View attachment 1459153

Love this, especially about it being true in different ways for us all.

I wish none of us were going through this, it’s just such a relief to be able to talk to other people who understand and don’t judge or get freaked out.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Things like changing job / going travelling / going on a spontaneous weekend away alone are so far beyond what I’m capable of, that I can’t even process the thoughts needed to begin to think about them!

To get into the shower this morning was such a long process, I was exhausted before I’d even turned on the water.
4 years ago if you’d told me that, I’d have had no way to understand that difficulty.


Edit to add I think that’s why I posted here in the first place yesterday about not knowing when I’d last showered etc. - because I desperately needed someone to tell me I wasn’t alone, and I knew that I wasn’t the only one to be feeling that. I hoped it might make someone else feel less alone, too

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I’m going out tonight! I can see it far enough for the simple reason that I’ve put on loads of weight and I feel and look awful.

Spoiler: Binge/Comfort Eating

Even though this is an issue for me, I’m not sure of the exact terms so sincere apologies if I offend anyone.

I have been secret eating again, something I haven’t done for a while. It’s buying things to eat at work and not telling my husband or if I’m WFH, ordering stuff from Just Eat and hiding the rubbish in the bins. I have previously had issues with bulimia and while that is not happening, I’m caught in a cycle of a habit that’s very comforting/hatred of myself/feeling low and seeking to change how I feel. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and it all feels insurmountable. Like I can’t take that first step, literally or figuratively.

I’m feeling less anxious about the situation with my friend but it’s left me feeling a bit reluctant to speak up and be honest again. But that’s teeny in the grand scheme of things. I’m going to do more AA meetings and try to come to terms with what’s really going on and to do that I need acceptance:

This is taken from one of the stories in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and when God is referred to in AA, it is a God of your own understanding

 

[Pollyanna263]

Hello lovelies.
I’m really sorry, I haven’t read back on other posts but I hope everyone is managing as well as possible


Has anyone taken Amitriptyline? Could you give me an honest review?

I have diagnoses of PTSD and depression.
I’ve had an appointment with a new psychiatrist for a second opinion (as original psych was awful) and he’s recommended changing my current meds.

At the moment I take Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine and Quetiapine. He wants me to wean off of Mirtazapine, and swap from Venlafaxine to Amitriptyline.

I’m hesitant because I don’t want anything which is too sedating overnight, as I’m alone with my children. (It’s rare they wake but I won’t risk not hearing them.)