Great title for a murder mystery though.
The haughty and greedy chatelaine of a half derelict French chateau is found dead, lying in a murky swamp, the sad remnants of the once vibrant lake she'd stupidly drained - her head stoved in. Was it an accident or murder? If murder, who is the culprit? A rival chateau who'd kill to be rid of the competition? Her co-owners who just want the
witch gone so they can sell up and get the hell out! Is the murderer her gay Dutch toy boyfriend, more than half her age, who secretly coverts her riches, dress-up box and Givenchy secrétaire? His oily secret lover, sick of biding his time in Spain? Her Argentinian B&B manager who's bullying has led the chatelaine to threaten to terminate her working contract? The manager's lover, the carpenter and chatelaine's cousin who wants the chateau as his own and who will do anything for his Argentinian girlfriend? Was it the witch of a mother who, finally tiring of her sick daughter's machinations, decided enough was enough? The French Water Police who were blamed for her stupidity? A former volunteer who was starved into bedding the chatelaine? Was it the "horse-faced" former cook and faux florist? Who, after months away from the chateau has finally woken up to the nausiating love bombing of a false 'friend?' Was it the desperate American poster salesman superfan who finds himself ignored, even when he visits? The lesbian Bollinger loving friend who has, once again been ejected from the bedroom for not supplying a truck load of Champagne? The creepy chandelier supplier who hasn't been paid? Was it the tubby jolly English mate who, beer in hand, who has finally found out what's been said behind her back all this time? Was it the Dutch handyman, a former employee with a short fuse who's silly fae like girlfriend was mercilessly bullied by the manager? Could it have been the tree surgeon - is he a former jilted lover or just a bloke who liked to climb trees as a child and who never grew out of it. Perhaps it was the former gardener who, after securing the chatelaine's funding to buy his own chateau ruin, has had that funding withdrawn? Is the murderer the chateau insider who sought to keep her identity secret? Was it the token refugee who has discovered the French government subsidy, paid to the chatelaine in order to help the refugee survive, was spent on a trip to Venice? Maybe it was the current gardener who was laughed at when she complained about the destruction the peacocks wrought in the walled garden. Was it the cook? The cook who, oh no, finally snapped after finding yet another wet freaking sponge in the sink!
Everyone has a motive yet everyone has an alibi. The murderer could have been anyone - superfans who've woken up to the grift and want their money back, guests who have baulked at the cost of the meals and cheap boxed wine, the disgusting state of the dump and the lack of any progress on the restorations they've paid for, or the local mayor who's tired of deflecting complaints from local residents. Yes the murderer could have been anyone - including members of a certain online chat group who, sick of the wonton waste, lies and money grubbing, seek justice and recompense for all the
tit everyone has had to put up with.
(©️ Iolair 2022).
