The advice thread for random problems #6

[HelloStereo]

So this is really trivial but it’s also upsetting me, I started a new job about a month ago, everyone is lovely apart from one person who twice now has commented about my name, the first instance was ‘my ex sister in law has the same name as you, I hate that name’ then he said ‘oh your name is in that song ha ha’ then reeled off the singer/band, now I have a pretty common name, it’s an ok name, I got home from work & just wanted to cry, he has a really common name as well, I think that’s pretty rich slagging my name off when you have such a basic name, I just don’t know what to do because he seems quite popular & has been there for years. Or perhaps I’m just being sensitive? I’m not a very confident person & can take things to heart.

I don't think you're being sensitive, that would bother me as well. If he makes another comment again you can always say "what did you mean by that?" and put him on the spot.

 

[Magwitch]

Yeah she can try those solutions but for some cats they don't work at all. My neighbours have the noise repeller and cats just chill next to it fine i understand legally they have no obligation to contain cats but i don't agree that’s how it should be.

How do you contain an outdoor cat though? It's impossible, unless you just keep them indoors, which would be very cruel for a cat that is used to roaming. I had an indoor cat for years when we lived in a city. He was much-loved and had a nice life, until we lost him at nearly 21. It was only when we moved to the countryside that I realised how much he loved being outside and was hit with a massive load of guilt. He was too old to roam much but loved lying out in the sun and fresh air and prowling round the garden, bless him. Cats are natural roamers and predators. And, yes, indoor cats can of course be healthy and happy, but it is not a natural state of being for them, no matter how much we might tell ourselves it is.

Our neighbour has four outdoor cats. Yes, they do scratch around the beds a bit sometimes, but that's nothing compared to what the local wildlife do. The badgers absolutely devastate our borders, plus the wild ducks scratching around for grubs and so on. Not to mention the time three cows got in from the field and trampled all over. Our lawn has never recovered! I understand full well how frustrating it is for gardeners, but the way I see it I share 'my' outdoor space with all the local animals, including the domesticated ones next door, so I suck it up. It's their space too.

 

[qqwertyy]

So this is really trivial but it’s also upsetting me, I started a new job about a month ago, everyone is lovely apart from one person who twice now has commented about my name, the first instance was ‘my ex sister in law has the same name as you, I hate that name’ then he said ‘oh your name is in that song ha ha’ then reeled off the singer/band, now I have a pretty common name, it’s an ok name, I got home from work & just wanted to cry, he has a really common name as well, I think that’s pretty rich slagging my name off when you have such a basic name, I just don’t know what to do because he seems quite popular & has been there for years. Or perhaps I’m just being sensitive? I’m not a very confident person & can take things to heart.

He sounds like a twat. I’d suggest just a blank and bland response with him next time, don’t laugh or smile or answer. Let him realise in the awkward silence that he’s an idiot.

 

[Snippysnips]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

If someone was like this with me, I'd walk away, I'd take it as they were wanting to end the friendship, if other friends were bringing it up or similar then I'd think maybe there was something I'd need to work on but if it's only just one then it's clear he's wanting to move on an I'd let him

If in future after I'd moved on an they brought something up along the lines of "why are you distant" I'd throw their own line back at them like "the weather's too nice to spend it on people who I've moved on from"

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Thank you @Snippysnips and @Bianca Del Rio - for this advice and I believe you've both given me advice before, so thanks again

I explained the situation and she's read but not responded, but you've both given me the gumption to not chase it up. She can sit and stew for a while.

 

[bozlem3080]

So my previous job I was on a 4hr contract but did 20hrs a week. I was a supervisor on minimum wage but thought it would look good on my CV, I’ve got a new job told the manager I could do as many hrs they could offer me over 24 if possible no problem, I’m only being put in for 16hrs a week, I literally can’t survive, there are no extra hours to have, I’m single so not entitled to UC as according to them I earn ‘too much’ (I live in a HMO so bills included) but by the time I’ve paid my rent & debts I owe I have £65 a month for food, my only options are to either find another job with more hours but there don’t seem to be any around or to take on an extra job doing nights perhaps twice a week, I’m in my 40’s & feel like such a failure.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I went for a face to face interview at the job centre to be told I can’t apply for additional help with my rent as basically I should be earning under what I earn I think they said it equates to what I would be on if was unemployed on UC can’t remember how much that is? They did advise me to move to cheaper accommodation, again I’ve been looking but can’t raise the deposit for one unfortunately, I can’t get help with a food bank again because I’m not any benefits. I’m hoping these jobs I’ve applied for will get back to me.

I'm surprised you can't use the food bank. Where I live they don't ask questions about who needs to use it. Do you have a community fridge? Our community fridge give away food or at a nominal fee. It's terrible to me that you basically have to hit rock bottom before the council helps. Surely they should try and prevent that

 

[Snippysnips]

I need to plan a party for my husband. Would you do it at home? - Cheaper, less formal (but home is tiny with 1 not great bathroom that I would be a bit embarrassed for people to see till we can afford to do it up) or...host a meal in a restaurant -EXPENSIVE but comfortable for guests etc....in an ideal world I would do it at home but just feel our house is a lot smaller than our friends etc and it might be a bit cringy

Would depend on how your friends would feel, we have a large family an usually do a meal out instead of holding a party, but it's a pay your own meal, we obviously pick places that have good deals like 2 courses for X amount or 3 courses for X amount an everyone's happy with that, would your friends be fine with that? Sometimes even a party at home isn't necessary cheap by the time you buy all the food, decorations etc

But if you feel better at home, a true friend like @OnlyHereForTheLolz says isn't going to mind what your house is like, if they do then they are probably the type to bitch regardless of what it's like

 

[Codiaeum]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara bitches" at this point because I despise my life so fucking much I can't stand it any longer.

Hey,
please don't do anything drastic while strangers on the internet with probably zero chance of ever meeting in real life, I enjoy us talking here and would definitely miss seeing you around here.
I know you wrote recently about maybe selling your house to live in another city and interest in going back to uni. Both sounded so excited and something you were looking forward to exploring. If a "maybe it doesn't work out" is holding you back from pursuing something in favour of something you have now and actively dislike already, what is there to lose? Right now might be comfortable in terms of financials, but if you can't stand the other stuff around it, do you think you could make a prio list of what would need to change? Your job? Would you rather start in a new company or get qualification to get out of your field entirely? Your home? Would you rather maybe move into a shared space to be around other people, sell and move to a new city, maybe to go to uni and not need to worry about rent?
It's unfortunately not an easy evaluation, but fear of regret holding you back probably isn't the best advisor. Sure, it might not work out in exactly the way you would like to, but frankly, what does? You have one very big advantage: you already know what you don't like and it's what you have right now.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I ended up reporting them. The security said they didn’t hear of anyone officially selling Christmas cards / lists around the building. They apologized but I’m definitely keeping an eye on this. As a female living on my own, having someone sketchy potentially identifying my apartment in a secure complex is a bit worrisome. I didn’t sleep all night because the mother seemed like an absolute junkie on something.

I think you did the right thing. Although if they are anything like the security at where I work they will be next to useless. The guy on the desk was letting randoms in to "use the loo" and they were having strip washes in the ladies sinks .

Can you get a no cold callers sign for your door or a faux cctv in operation sticker?. Hoping it was a one off and you can settle .

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Anyone know anywhere reputable (on high street or online) where I can get an old family VHS put onto a DVD/disk/memory stick? X

Ask in your local FB groups. There’s always some local techie who does it better and cheaper

 

[littlepup]

The groom is our friend so comms have been somewhat minimal (!). I only realised when my husband picked up his suit and it had the green waist coat, pocket square etc.

I do think you're right though. I won't feel comfortable in the green. Thanks to all who replied .

Maybe if you have to buy something else a nice satin skirt in a neutral black or cream/gold then you can switch up the shoes and cami/tops for future events to create different looks. Might be cheaper than a new full outfit each time.

 

[Snippysnips]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a dick in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

If they have taken the hump with you then it just shows that they were never good for you to begin with, anyone who has respect for you will allow you to speak up for yourself an won't have a problem with that or boundaries etc, it sounds like these people were happy keeping you quiet and not respecting what makes you uncomfortable

Always speak up for yourself, true friends will stay an fake will fk off

 

[OldTT]

Any experts on teenagers here? I have a 15 year old daughter, totally addicted to her phone, not doing revision for her Mocks, not meeting friends, nothing. Just in her room on her phone. I have to remind her to shower, do her normal homework etc. I'm at the point now where I want to take her phone from her completely. I've tried limiting it but I find it hard to manage as she sneaks it or I will forget because I'm busy with other stuff or my other children. I'm ashamed to say that it is half term here and apart from the day I took her to the wildlife park with her siblings she has spent every morning, noon and night on her phone in her room. I see her at meal times only.

It's worth nothing that my daughter is very happy girl, always smiling. She is autistic and needs lots of support, e.g. she is still unable to do her own hair, get to places alone and doesn't really like conversations unless she's asking for something.

I wish I'd never bought the phone but she has always struggled to fit in so it was for that and to contact friends (which she never does).

Hey. I’ve got an autistic 13 yr old and I’ve come to think phone usage is a bit different for neurodivergent kids.
In the follow up session after her diagnosis the consultant actually said that playing games on her phone was a technique she was using to regulate herself and not a bad thing.
She’s so drained and exhausted after a day a school where the rules of engagement are a constant challenge that mindless scrolling or repetitive simple games are her way to decompress. And i totally get that. I’m a bit the same.

I think talking to others on an autism thread is probably a good idea. Life in general is so much harder for our kids and the usual “rules” need to be thought about a bit differently.

 

[Mamacita]

I personally wouldn't wear it if it's such a close shade match and really simply rewear something you have. Who cares if here are pictures with you wearing that same dress - I guarantee you the men won't all be getting new suits for each wedding and most of them won't even get a new shirt. Maybe you can style a dress it a bit differently than the other time you wore it?

Yeah that's why i stopped being bothered about rewearing. I couldn't tell you what others wore to previous weddings and can't say i have ever analysed anyone's wedding photos and thought AHA this person is wearing the same dress. If i have to be honest i barely look at anyone's wedding photos anyway

 

[JoeBloggs]

I agree with this approach. Ask the question with an open face (so not glaring or giving him daggers) then just wait and say nothing. If he does end up repeating the insult just say ‘that’s pretty rude’.

This. Put him on the spot. Ask why he said it and highlight it’s rude, ideally in front of others.

 

[Snippysnips]

How much is the standard amount when gifting for a wedding? Context; close friend, invited to the hen do and wedding ceremony and night do. The wedding is a casual affair with no sit down meal.

Some of the recommendations I’ve seen on TikTok are absolutely insane.

I go £100 for family an £50 for friends, but really, people get a lot at weddings so just go what you feel comfortable with, while everyone got thank you cards from my bro with his wedding, he'd struggle to know what people gave him now tbh so don't overthink it

 

[Simplytatti]

Hey I'm mid 30s and I think my dad is abusing me. I could be completely wrong but either way he's making me feel like poo on shoes.

*he is always shouting and swearing at me

*regularly threatening to kick me out of the home

*telling me get a job (unfortunately I recently lost mine as jobs were cut)

*opens my bank statements and loudly asking what I'm spending my money on/telling me off for spending my money

*screaming at me in public

I can't afford to leave but I can't say anything because it makes him worse idk what to do.

 

[bozlem3080]

So this is really trivial but it’s also upsetting me, I started a new job about a month ago, everyone is lovely apart from one person who twice now has commented about my name, the first instance was ‘my ex sister in law has the same name as you, I hate that name’ then he said ‘oh your name is in that song ha ha’ then reeled off the singer/band, now I have a pretty common name, it’s an ok name, I got home from work & just wanted to cry, he has a really common name as well, I think that’s pretty rich slagging my name off when you have such a basic name, I just don’t know what to do because he seems quite popular & has been there for years. Or perhaps I’m just being sensitive? I’m not a very confident person & can take things to heart.

 

[boomska]

Yeah, I have asked my friends in the past if I am what he says I am and they say no. They don't really like him or understand why I still talked to him. He has always brought up a reason for us to fall out in the past, but never that I lack self awareness. Sometimes that I'm annoying though, but it will be around things like one time I invited him over to do some cooking as he had said in the past he enjoyed it, and he got annoyed that i was "pressuring him" or constantly asking him for things and then blocked me. And then he comes back as normal a few weeks later acting like nothing has happened.

I think in the end we're not compatible even as friends. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells to not upset him so he won't block me or fly off the handle, and it means I don't always say how I feel. And he obviously finds me unbearably annoying.

I was once super needy as a friend because I hated my own company and hated my living arrangement so I used to want to see/talk to my friends all the time espically those I'm close with. One close friend of mine and I stopped talking for a bit because her girlfriend got really insecure with mine and close friend's friendship (strickly platonic, we're just very similar in a lot of ways!) And a close friend told a mutual friend that i was needy but she didn't want to stop talking to me. Now, me and close friend are closer than ever and I know that if I do become needy again as a friend, she would tell me (and vice versa) but still would appreciate our friendship.Same with being annoying; she can annoy me, I can annoy her but we look at the bigger picture which is that we care about being in each other lives and know that we might be annoying each because of the circumstances, feelings like we might be tired.

EVERYONE can be annoying at times but he definitely sounds like a user and emotional fuckward with the blocking/unblocking. He definitely doesn't sound like a friend, and sounds like he's calling you a friend to keep you in his life when it suits him. I wouldn't take on board what he has said about you.

I would reply back going "I've reviewed everything you've said and I do think this friendship has ran its course and I no longer want to be friends. take care "