The advice thread for random problems #6

[Snippysnips]

A friend had a bit of a go at me today over text and I'm not sure whether I'm necessarily in the wrong or not (so I'm asking you lovely people). Sorry for the long post!

A close friend of mine lives about 5 hours away, so we talk over text mostly. The past 3 months or so I've been very unwell - absolutely exhausted - and so have been a bit 'quiet' with everyone, but explained why. I found out two weeks ago it's pre-cancerous cells, and told her immediately. I've been quiet over Christmas while I process the news. I'd say we've chatted once a week or so about various news or what's going on etc regardless, and she's currently planning her wedding so we've chatted about that too.

Today she asked me what I did on NYE and I said I actually spent it with my now-boyfriend - and that we need a proper catch up to talk about it. She said she was shocked and hurt that I hadn't told her earlier that I was dating someone, that she doesn't know now where we stand and that she's upset I haven't reached out to tell her more about my life. For context, I met him a few months ago through work and he's been my rock in a very difficult time. The relationship has developed slowly but it's been really lovely - despite being unwell he can't do enough for me and we had a quiet NYE - one of the best of my life. But it's very new, I haven't even introduced him to my daughter yet. I didn't feel I was hiding anything at all and told her so - she disagrees.

She also said I had 'abandoned my commitment to not be in a relationship'. I was really taken aback and this is where I wonder if the problem is her, not me. This stems from a simple conversation about six months ago where I'd given up on actively dating after a few very bad dates and I simply said I'll take the cards life deals me, and if someone comes into my life, great, if they don't, all good too. The conversation back then wasn't a pleasant one. I remember her response feeling patronising - she told me 'not everyone can have a relationship like mine and that's ok, you can find happiness alone'. She very much wants her life to be picture perfect and her upcoming wedding is a huge part of it - despite supporting her through constant arguments and tears with her partner. That's a whole other story in itself, but I've been supportive and non-judgemental. What I don't understand is why she's brought up this old conversation as if I made some kind of promise to be a nun - it feels like I've offended her by entering into a relationship. I now wonder if it's less about the timing of telling her, and it's more whether she feels some kind of 'threat' to her idea that she's in the best relationship ever etc.

So if you've got his far, when do you think it is right to let friends know about relationships? Did I wait too long? Or is it a case of jealousy or fear or something else?

Honestly she seems to be a bit of a red flag, why does it matter if you are in a relationship when she's getting married? It's not as if you both made an agreement to never date an then you broke it while she kept it, an by the sounds of it you didn't actually say you were never going date again but just see how life goes

You are entitled to have a relationship an if it's working out then that's great, people shouldn't be making you feel like it's a bad thing especially when you have already been through so much

Maybe she has a rocky relationship an thinks the wedding will solve it? but if she's unhappy then she shouldn't be taking it out on you, to me if someone had said "not everyone can have a relationship like me, an you should be happy single" then I'd instantly see that as a red flag as to they obviously don't want you to be happy with someone else an want you exclusively themselves, I'd be careful going forward an take note if she starts to exclude your bf from any activities, if she's going to try to distance you from your bf then she's clearly not happy at having to "share" you

 

[Happy Alpaca]

You’re definitely not overreacting, he crossed boundaries and in your home. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Thank you, it's appreciated, am learning to trust my gut and this situation definitely felt wrong in many ways

 

[Chocolategoggler]

Years ago my house was surrounded by cat owners and the cats used my garden as a toilet.
I was told that cats don't shit on their own doorstep. I ended up having a word with the cats, which only resulted in them hurling themselves at the fences the minute they saw me.
They had driven away all my visitors, as they used to launch themselves from the bins the other side of the fence onto the lawn (which is raised up). Naturally this used to give my visitors a heart attack to hear a bang and see this lump sailing over their heads
I tried all the repellers but they got used to them, and in particular a grey cat used to go up to them, sniff, and then turn and look at me arrogantly.
At that point I gave up. It was a war I wasn't going to win. My cat loving brother thought I'd gone a bit deranged by this point. Talking to the cats would have just intimidated some of them, by staring in their eyes. He got me a book on cats.
Then all the cat owners moved and I'm now surrounded by dogs. As I live on a new housing estate we all live on top of each other.The dogs are very territorial, so if I'm out in my garden there's usually a dog snarling behind a fence or worse trying to smash the fence down to kill me.
They bark all the time, so I have to listen to neighbours yelling to shut that f*****g dog up or else they'll do it for them. Then the usual replies from the owner........

I've started to miss the cats and I'd even put up with them using my garden as a toilet.

At least the cats were funny. There's nothing funny about the dogs.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

You weren’t rude or blunt at all. To be honest my relationships with people feel quite chaotic. I’m fairly sure I have autism which doesn’t help but also have CPTSD to contend with. With this person the friendship is a bit more intense than others im used to. Generally I’ve been quite happy with my own company and a small circle of friends and then keep others more at arms length. 9 times out of 10 I’m fine with just letting things end or cutting people out.
It’s been a while since I’ve let someone be this close, so it feels weird and like I’m holding a hand grenade and I’m waiting for it to go off. So in this friendship definitely anxious attachment. But then in others I’m more secure or I guess quite avoidant, it’s really hard to explain but I find myself playing off “vibes” and switching my approach based on that.

TBH, the fact you have helped this person out financially is ringing alarm bells a bit. I hope they have paid you back?

 

[Kim Mild]

I'm feeling like a bad person. My friend is living her best life right now (fuck knows how she affords it mind!)

Whereas my life feels like groundhog day, work, school run (or now summer hols, pick up child from childcare) cook, clean, eat because I'm miserable & then cry because I'm fat. I can't do much exciting things as I'm skint all the time (paying off credit card & no financial help from anyone)

She's been on 3 abroad holidays, 2 concerts, disneyland and 2 weddings in the last 2 months!

She also has a lot of help from friends and family with childcare, she has an amazing relationship with her mum, and I'm just feeling a bit shit in comparison

I'm happy for her of course, but definitely a bit of the green eyed monster too

I just dont know how to get myself out of this rut I'm in.

Life is so much easier with a supportive family, particularly a mum , so those of us who don't have that support either through bereavement or situation do have struggles that those who do don't have. That's a fact , it's ok to acknowledge that.
Some people only show the good parts of their life. Even people with the best life usually aren't satisfied either. Just be careful not to become bitter.

 

[cowtastrophe]

Thank you, I realise now the grass isn’t greener after all. I just feel so stupid, I’m not the most confident person either which doesn’t help so starting new jobs fills me with dread, but need to be a grown up & just keep applying in the hope I find something either with more money, hours or both x

Don‘t feel stupid, you did what you thought best with what information you had.

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

“I know x is obviously a good friend to you and you like her a lot, but she’s just not my vibe”

 

[tomato_paste]

Do it. You have to think of yourself & you will always wonder if you don’t. Sounds like you’ve thought of all angles. Good luck.

Your brain is wired to seek out what it knows. Even if you know that things are bad and could possibly be worse, it is more familiar than not knowing. Not knowing what you'll encounter if you move

Maybe you can book a session with a therapist. Or start small with buying another brand of toothpaste, go to a bar you've never been, read a book from a genre you don't like. So that you can get used to the feeling of unfamiliarity

You already made a pro's and cons list. You already know what's the best option. You're waiting for a wave of inspiration. For your gut to catch up with your brain. But you don't have to wait untill it feels right. They way you wrote it there is nothing left to stay for anyway. Something you just have to pack up all your fears, uncertainties, belongings an just get things done

Thanks to both of you for replying, I'm very grateful!
I've thought about it a lot, and I have a therapy sesh to look more into it next week as well, but I realised something.

My mother is very religious, a weird amalgation of Catholicism and Christan Fundamentalism, which has fucked me up a lot. Because, according to her, I am only "worthy" if I struggle. An easy life is worthless. Life needs to be a struggle. I don't deserve nice things, because wanting nice things is greedy and a sin.
Fucked up, right?

It explains so much - why my gut is not caught up with my brain, why I keep holding on to this current life that is much harder than it needs to be, why I don't allow myself to heal from my depression, why I keep making decisions that make my life harder.

I am too old for this shit. I don't need her approval but I still want it and that is, in the words of my favourite vine, disgusteng. I need to let go of her approval and of trying to seek her love. She has none to give.

 

[gabbysolis]

Is it normal to just not retain anything?? we had a training at work this morning with a quiz after, I flicked through the slides and then answered the Q’s fine… but then everyone was chatting about it this afternoon and bringing up certain points, once I X’d out I completely forget everything and wouldn’t even be able to put a few sentences together about what the training entailed…

I will also watch the same things on TV or same films and even though I know I’ve seen it, I’ll have completely forgotten what the episodes are about or what happens! Same with books, I know I’ve read it but couldn’t give you two lines on the plot…

Is this normal?!!

 

[RandomFrog]

Thanks for all the replies... unfortunately I can't quote them all 🫠🫠

Tbh I think it was just the 'significant' people forgetting if that makes sense, bridal party, siblings for example. I have a large family and we're all exceptionally close, to the point that certain people do remember these things.

I am totally aware that not everyone remembers every anniversary I made myself sound like a total brat but obviously I can't write all details as don't want to out myself.

Mr frog is the complete opposite of me, he doesn't make effort with anyone for anything, doesn't overthink anything and is just laid back to the max! Although he did understand my upset at me not hearing from my bridal party etc it didn't bother him at all

Anywayyyyy looks like it's a me problem I shall get thicker skin for next year & beyond!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I'm not sure what to do with a situation at work.
I made a mistake on Wednesday. Gonna try and explain and hopefully make it make sense without saying what I do.

I took a short cut on an important task because I was in the middle of some other (imo more) important tasks and was multi tasking. I don't usually multi task as then I don't know where I'm up to on each task but one task had to be done differently this day meaning I had time to do bits of others whilst doing it as I had to wait for periods to complete it.

So the short cut, actually isn't a short cut a lot of the time but I thought I'd try it. We are told we can't do it but I know many people who still do. It was busy this day so I thought I'll do it whilst I do the other tasks and then I'll check it worked if not I'll go to the method we are meant to follow.

My colleague ended up taking over the short cut task and he just got rid of the whole task and didn't say. I'd written down I'd done the task as my plan was to go back and complete it if the other way didn't work whilst I was doing the other stuff. I told my colleague I've done it this way can you check it's worked and if not then try another way and obviously the if that didn't work the normal way I didn't say that as I thought it's obvious it needs to be completed so if the other ways don't work he'll do that. So since I've told him that it's not been done and still needs to make sure it is I go on to finish the other things.

Anyway a bit later he'd moved onto something new and had left my task and didn't mention to me about it not being completed. So I asked him did he complete it and he said no I just got rid of it. I try to find it and can't and it's not something we can get back fully.

So I tell the person in charge the whole story and she asks the manager what to do. He's annoyed obviously and tells us what to do, I do the part of the task he says to do but is annoyed as we aren't able to do the full task now.

I'm not sure what the person in charge told the manager as I was busy still so didn't hear the convo.

Now I don't know what to say if they ask me and I've been thinking for a few days. Do I just tell the truth as the person in charge knows the truth anyway so likely he'll say that? But I feel bad getting my colleague in trouble as he was just helping me but I am also a bit annoyed as I would've completed the task if he'd just left that part to me and I've told him it needs doing and he didn't complete it. I'm mostly annoyed at myself for trying the short cut way as I rarely do it I actually usually prefer the other way and most of the time find it quicker but because I was very busy on this day I thought I'd do the short cut way and I had in my head I needed to check and do it the proper way if I needed after I finished the other part takes I'd done.

Obviously I'll say it's my fault because I should've done it the proper way at first. But I don't feel I can say oh yeah I did it the way we aren't meant to and it didn't work so I just got rid of it? But I don't want to get my colleague in trouble as he was helping me and has been in trouble with management a lot recently. But also don't want to lie as the person in charge knows anyway and maybe already told the manager. So if they ask do I just tell the full truth or do I just say less maybe just say I tried it like that as I was too busy so thought I'd try and I was gonna go back and redo it if it didn't work but then they'll ask why I didn't?

I think that's the whole issue, I'm not even sure it makes sense how I wrote it. At the end of the day I don't think it was the worst mistake to make and I think the other tasks I prioritised were more important. I was also meant to have help but the person helping me originally was taken away for a while and I did 3 quarters of the tasks and he did a quarter. The colleague mentioned above he only came to help as an extra person as he'd finished his work and we were behind. If I had more help I would've completed the task myself and not done anything else during doing it.

I don't know whether to message the manager to apologise myself for not doing it correctly and explain I normally actually prefer to do it the proper way but I was busy so I thought I'd see if it could be done the other way whilst I finished other patients as I was behind and trying to catch up. Or just leave it and see if anyone says anything. The manager also spoke to me to tell me it was important to do the task but the method I use can work and often does and could've rectified it if my colleague didn't get involved/completed the task the way he also knows it should be done. The manager likes me but he really does not like my colleague who got rid of the task.

This is long and as I said I don't know if it makes sense

I think I’ve got the context - you handed over the task and told your college to let you know the outcome. They didn’t do either and deleted it instead. Regardless of the shortcut you took, I don’t think this is on you.

Why did your colleague delete it without speaking to anyone especially as this now can’t be undone - this is the main problem here imo.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Does anyone struggle with family dynamics/disagreements that never get discussed and can help me settle my mind? (If that even makes any sense lol)

I have two family members who I was close with, they have done numerous things to upset me that have been ignored until a few months ago when I told them straight they then ghosted me, they then ignored a few significant dates events for me so I decided enough is enough I'm done. One of them has been silent with no contact but the other messages me about random scenarios ignoring the events of the last few months, I have now muted her so at least I don't see the messages. I have also ignored the past few messages since I have put a line under it. She has since rang me which I have ignored but she isn't taking a hint!

I remember your posts, it was about people not acknowledging your wedding anniversary and wasn’t it?

I know you might remember everyone’s dates but a lot don’t, they have enough going on in their life. Clearly this family member is trying to reach out to you but if you really don’t want any contact, explain that. People are not mind readers.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Thank you all I was thinking £30 so I'll probably do that

 

[cowtastrophe]

I would, personally. It could be intimidating for an older person opening the door to someone they don’t know and thinking they’re asking for money.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I rent a storage unit to put a few bits in that I can’t fit into my accommodation probably about 6-8 boxes, over the last few months the prices have been going up with no warning, last month I was paying £67.06 today I’ve looked on my online banking & it’s gone up to £74.88, I’ve rang them to be told they are well within their rights to put the payment up as & whenever they want & because it’s an ongoing direct debit they don’t need to tell me!

I’m trying to find alternative storage but with not being able to drive it’s a pain sorting it out, at this rate it’s going to cost more that my monthly rent if they keep putting it up I may as well move in there Just after some advice on what to do.

That is categorically untrue. Anybody who increases a price needs to give you a warning. I’d tell them you will be contacting trading standards

 

[petitspois]

I hope this is the right thread for this as I couldn’t see a particular one more suited.

Is anyone clued up on how court listings work?

Basically my FIL got arrested last year and his court date is tomorrow.
All we know is that there was potentially a child involved (his bail conditions was that he wasn’t allowed alone with under 16’s and had to moved out of the family home), he had his devices seized too and the arrest came after a trip to the leisure centre.
He will not tell anyone what he’s been charged with or arrested for, the only thing he’s said is he’s been accused of something he didn’t do.
Obviously this is extremely concerning given the secrecy & I have just had a child myself into that family.

Now my question is, I cannot see his name listed on the Court websites for tomorrow. I have 100% got the date and location correct but he’s not on there. Is there any way I can find out what he’s being sent to court for, can I ring them and enquire? If so do I have to give them any information?
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

There’s no way this is anything other than a sexually motivated crime involving children I’m afraid. I strongly suggest you only take note of the facts of the case (when you can find them) and not what he ends up telling you.

 

[cowtastrophe]

I have the £20 Loops and they’re fantastic. I could never wear earplugs previously but the Loops are so comfortable you barely know they’re there.

 

[tomato_paste]

This is a really privileged problem to have, I know, but I'm still stuck emotionally, so I thought I'd post here.

I bought a house (with a mortgage) in quite an expensive, poular area of my country some years ago. My fam is from here. It had stood empty for a year and needed lots of cosmetic work, which is why nobody wanted it, so I got a good price on it. The house has gone up in value by about 80%. Minus what I spent on renovations, I would still make a tidy sum if I sold it.

I could move to the opposite end of the country as I've been thinking about for years now. I found the perfect property, too, and it's exactly in the town I would want to live in. It is massively cheaper, would allow me to be mortgage free, have very few outgoings, and I would have a tidy sum left over to do with whatever I want.
The area is beautiful, close to two big cities but still rural enough to feed my soul.

On paper, it seems like the perfect idea to allow myself to work towards my goals (switch fields, become mortgage free, have more time for myself, have a huge garden for growing my own food, have time for long walks with the dog every day instead of squeezing them in wherever there is a little time, and many more.)

So why the fuck am I still hesitating? I'm lonely here, people are very closed off and difficult to get to know; I have one childhood friend here, and one friend who herself is probably going to move away at some point. I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, and the family I would miss are my siblings. It's about a 5 hour drive from here to there, so not too bad, and other friends that are not local would be the same distance away. There are no downsides. None. So why can't I do it? Why can’t I just say "Fuckem", list my house and go live my best life?

 

[Lalla]

Our company moved some staff from a local office to London a few years ago. They were given a travel allowance to cover the cost of travel (by public transport) from the old office to the new one, but only for a transitional period of a few months. However that was better than nothing.

 

[Snippysnips]

I have a colleague who’s giving me really rude body language at the moment and I can’t pinpoint what her problem really is. I’m the only poc in my team so I’m inclined to think she’s doing so because of that. Eye rolling back to me not including when speaking in the group, speaking over me keeping her back firmly towards me. I’ve tried being extra friendly to her thinking she’s just unhappy or something but no nothing and I don’t want to people please as that’s unhealthy for mental health, people pleasing towards someone who dislikes you isn’t great. She’s only like this towards me. She’s nicer to others in my team who don’t even like her so she must have some one sided stronh feelings towards me. I don’t know how people justify treating someone that way. What should I do, just ignore her? But then I feel it would be a hostile environment and I would just be behaving as she is which is not me at all. Others must have noticed but they don’t say anything ?! If i noticed someone being like that towards an individual I would distance myself as they’re showing how nasty of a person they are. Friend said way nit everyone has a good heart most people don’t give a crap ! Also she looks visibly angry when she sees me which has rattled me, she goes bright red and breathing heavily. I’m so confused I haven’t done anything to offend her and I do notice everything

Some people are just straight up assholes, personally if it was me I'd act like she doesn't even exist, the more you give to someone the more they have something to throw back at you, just straight up ignoring gives them nothing, if she asks a question though then answer it but make it straight to the point then walk away, other then that just don't engage with her, but do keep a diary of anything she does towards you, if she tries to do anything then it's all you will have as evidence towards her, could also be worth "hinting" towards HR about what can you do to make the relationship work an what's been happening that's made you realise it's so bad, but try an keep it in a casual way, that way you aren't actually going to HR as such but you have made them aware, so if she ends up going about nonsense to them then HR already have a heads up but you have giving your side first