The advice thread for random problems #6

[RandomFrog]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a fool in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

 

[tomato_paste]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a fool in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

> wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

Stop gaslighting yourself. It's your right, and IMHO, it's also a duty you have to yourself to stand up for your own well being.

I've been where you are and it's difficult, especially with existing relationships. Sometimes people really rely on you being a doormat and get pissed off if you change that. Those people are not your friends. I have found that real friends don't get pissed off with you if you talk about what's bothering you. They might disagree, you might have a small fight, but at the end of they day they'll try to understand you, as you do for them, because they respect you and like you and want what's best for you.

Unfortunately, you might lose some relationships. But do you really want those relationships if they mean being treated badly?

Also, listen to your husband if you can't trust your own perspective on things, he seems nice and supportive, and it sounds like he wants the best for you.

Eventually, you'll get a sense of security within yourself, and trust that it is your right to stand up for yourself.

 

[Snippysnips]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a fool in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

If they have taken the hump with you then it just shows that they were never good for you to begin with, anyone who has respect for you will allow you to speak up for yourself an won't have a problem with that or boundaries etc, it sounds like these people were happy keeping you quiet and not respecting what makes you uncomfortable

Always speak up for yourself, true friends will stay an fake will fk off

 

[RandomFrog]

Thanks both!

I find it so difficult knowing which way to go for the best, I hate upsetting or disappointing people but had this change after a few big things happened in my life, I suppose it'll take time to get used to a different way of thinking now

 

[Chocolategoggler]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a fool in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

I'm not sure what wording you used but thought I'd detail my experience which might chime with yours.
I used to bottle up my rage and then eventually explode like Mt Vesuvius.
Then having Vesuviused a boss, (who frankly deserved it), I was sent for assertiveness training.
There I was categorised as an aggressive and not non assertive as I thought I'd be.
The gist of the course was to get the person who had pissed you off to explain themselves. Most people back away from this in normal life and let them get away with their behaviour whilst quietly fuming.
So you have to give them open ended questions or a statement in reply to their questionable behaviour or words.
For example - "that's not a very nice thing to say", (statement), or "why would you say that?" (open ended question).
Basically using the how, what, why, when in your question in reply
AND THEN
To say absolutely nothing but look at them

Don't try to save them as you start to feel sorry for them because of the awkward silence

Because you haven't given them a reply where they can just say yes or no they have to explain themselves re their behaviour and/or words.

Keep calm throughout and keep on with the how, what, why, when questions after their reply if you need to.

I immediately tried it on 2 people - one a bossy person who'd descended on me with their family and children when I'd been in my house a day. The woman was pretty scary as they lost their temper, but I stayed calm and kept on with the questions and they stormed out.
Their partner followed with the kids looking apologetic.

The second time was with a con merchant boyfriend of someone I knew. I wanted to know the truth about something he was doing, which he ended up blurting out against his will with my relentless questions and silences.(He looked very shocked that he'd dropped himself in it).

I felt very empowered and if you do it with witnesses it's even better, as they can't say you're a witch as you were only asking a question whilst being calm. They get angry or freaked out that they can't control you.

 

[cowtastrophe]

I'm not sure what wording you used but thought I'd detail my experience which might chime with yours.
I used to bottle up my rage and then eventually explode like Mt Vesuvius.
Then having Vesuviused a boss, (who frankly deserved it), I was sent for assertiveness training.
There I was categorised as an aggressive and not non assertive as I thought I'd be.
The gist of the course was to get the person who had pissed you off to explain themselves. Most people back away from this in normal life and let them get away with their behaviour whilst quietly fuming.
So you have to give them open ended questions or a statement in reply to their questionable behaviour or words.
For example - "that's not a very nice thing to say", (statement), or "why would you say that?" (open ended question).
Basically using the how, what, why, when in your question in reply
AND THEN
To say absolutely nothing but look at them

Don't try to save them as you start to feel sorry for them because of the awkward silence

Because you haven't given them a reply where they can just say yes or no they have to explain themselves re their behaviour and/or words.

Keep calm throughout and keep on with the how, what, why, when questions after their reply if you need to.

I immediately tried it on 2 people - one a bossy person who'd descended on me with their family and children when I'd been in my house a day. The woman was pretty scary as they lost their temper, but I stayed calm and kept on with the questions and they stormed out.
Their partner followed with the kids looking apologetic.

The second time was with a con merchant boyfriend of someone I knew. I wanted to know the truth about something he was doing, which he ended up blurting out against his will with my relentless questions and silences.(He looked very shocked that he'd dropped himself in it).

I felt very empowered and if you do it with witnesses it's even better, as they can't say you're a witch as you were only asking a question whilst being calm. They get angry or freaked out that they can't control you.

Thank you for this, this is really interesting. People have me down as confident and outspoken and I am in some ways but I struggle with confronting people behaving badly because I think inside I’m afraid of them blowing up at me. I’m definitely going to try what you suggested.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I’ve just restarted the gym after 12 months (had a baby and didn’t have time to go). I’m at the weight I want to stay at but I have no muscle tone at all! There’s a poster for a free PT session. I’m tempted to do it so they can show me what weights to do and keep it with it myself as I’ve absolutely no idea wtf I’m doing unless it’s cardio. My question is, how do I do it but not get caught into signing up whilst staying polite?!

Don’t think twice, take up the offer. Say “I’ll have a think about continuing and get back to you “ at the end.

 

[boomska]

I’m moving out of my rental property and the paint (I think?) is pealing/come off so I want to give it a lick of paint before I go. Daft question but what paint do I buy for it? I’ve googled it but it’s confusing. I just want something white, gloss and cheap haha

 

[littlepup]

I’m moving out of my rental property and the paint (I think?) is pealing/come off so I want to give it a lick of paint before I go. Daft question but what paint do I buy for it? I’ve googled it but it’s confusing. I just want something white, gloss and cheap haha

Gloss is for wood and trims? Do you mean that or for the walls? The wall one that’s has a bit of a sheen is “satin” as opposed to matte.

 

[boomska]

Gloss is for wood and trims? Do you mean that or for the walls? The wall one that’s has a bit of a sheen is “satin” as opposed to matte.

sorry I quickly typed it and forgot to say I just want to paint the windowsills lol

 

[HelloStereo]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

 

[Thank(space)you]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

He sounds like an absolute twit i don't think you need to take this feedback on board

 

[Kim Mild]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

There are ' them problems ' and ' you problems ' . Quite often , what other people bring up is a ' them problem'.

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

It sounds like you broke up because you’re just not compatible. Have you tried asking friends if that is something they would say about you? Do you have a more direct friend who would be honest but kind about it.

So you could think duck him, he’s obviously been a poor communicator this whole time and kept his frustration hidden and just leave him in the past or you could ask him for some examples. But don’t rise to any bait, just say thanks for the feedback I’ll reflect on it.

it might just be clash between the two of you rather than a general fault in you! I wouldn’t bother arguing the toss with him though, what’s the point?

 

[JoeBloggs]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

I want to word this sensitively but could he be projecting because he wants to end the friendship type relationship you two have? Is he seeing someone?

I really wouldn’t take it to heart, any ‘friend’ who thinks the conversation isn’t worth their time isn’t worth yours.

 

[Snippysnips]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

If someone was like this with me, I'd walk away, I'd take it as they were wanting to end the friendship, if other friends were bringing it up or similar then I'd think maybe there was something I'd need to work on but if it's only just one then it's clear he's wanting to move on an I'd let him

If in future after I'd moved on an they brought something up along the lines of "why are you distant" I'd throw their own line back at them like "the weather's too nice to spend it on people who I've moved on from"

 

[HelloStereo]

I want to word this sensitively but could he be projecting because he wants to end the friendship type relationship you two have? Is he seeing someone?

I really wouldn’t take it to heart, any ‘friend’ who thinks the conversation isn’t worth their time isn’t worth yours.

Probably yes. There have been periods through our friendship where he's got a girlfriend and he'd not tell me. I'd ask him and he'd say no, even when I can see pictures of them together on social media. Instead he'd invent a roundabout reason to not talk any more, like what he's doing now.

Every time it happened I started to care less and less, and this time I just deleted him off every social media app I had anyway and don't feel sad like I used to.

 

[Snippysnips]

Probably yes. There have been periods through our friendship where he's got a girlfriend and he'd not tell me. I'd ask him and he'd say no, even when I can see pictures of them together on social media. Instead he'd invent a roundabout reason to not talk any more, like what he's doing now.

Every time it happened I started to care less and less, and this time I just deleted him off every social media app I had anyway and don't feel sad like I used to.

It sounds like he's only interested in having you as a friend when it suits him like when he's not got a gf an then when he has a gf he's not interested in you, I'd just move on, it's pointless keeping people who are users

 

[HelloStereo]

It sounds like you broke up because you’re just not compatible. Have you tried asking friends if that is something they would say about you? Do you have a more direct friend who would be honest but kind about it.

So you could think duck him, he’s obviously been a poor communicator this whole time and kept his frustration hidden and just leave him in the past or you could ask him for some examples. But don’t rise to any bait, just say thanks for the feedback I’ll reflect on it.

it might just be clash between the two of you rather than a general fault in you! I wouldn’t bother arguing the toss with him though, what’s the point?

Yeah, I have asked my friends in the past if I am what he says I am and they say no. They don't really like him or understand why I still talked to him. He has always brought up a reason for us to fall out in the past, but never that I lack self awareness. Sometimes that I'm annoying though, but it will be around things like one time I invited him over to do some cooking as he had said in the past he enjoyed it, and he got annoyed that i was "pressuring him" or constantly asking him for things and then blocked me. And then he comes back as normal a few weeks later acting like nothing has happened.

I think in the end we're not compatible even as friends. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells to not upset him so he won't block me or fly off the handle, and it means I don't always say how I feel. And he obviously finds me unbearably annoying.

 

[HelloStereo]

It sounds like he's only interested in having you as a friend when it suits him like when he's not got a gf an then when he has a gf he's not interested in you, I'd just move on, it's pointless keeping people who are users

Yeah it is this. He only wanted to see me when they'd broken up. And then when he started seeing someone new he'd find a reason to cut me off. I used to accept it before I think because I was desperate for his "approval" or something. But in the past few years I stopped caring and now not at all.