The advice thread for random problems #6

[Codiaeum]

I seem to have reached that point in life where a lot of friends are going on to their second marriages. We have wedding number 5 this year in October and I've needed a new outfit for each as they're largely the same group of people! (I have done very well with charity shop finds ). In short I have a dark green dress and have found out today that the couples accent colour is dark green, can I still wear it? I don't want to look like a wanna be bridesmaid!.

Also would v grateful if anyone could recommend some closed toe high heels (black). X

I personally wouldn't wear it if it's such a close shade match and really simply rewear something you have. Who cares if here are pictures with you wearing that same dress - I guarantee you the men won't all be getting new suits for each wedding and most of them won't even get a new shirt. Maybe you can style a dress it a bit differently than the other time you wore it?

 

[Happy Alpaca]

I absolutely hate having to say this but you should always think twice about being alone in your home with any man who is a stranger to you. It's not right, and of course we should be able to hire a workman and be safe in our own homes, but the reality is that a lot of men are chancers, and they've been emboldened by years of readily available porn, by the media showing women as sexually adventurous and "up for anything" (as your lovely tradesman shows when he suggests that you become "friends with benefits") and by the long-held general opinion that any single woman is almost always desperate for a man.

I'm glad that you've blocked him, do make sure that you spread the word about his highly inappropriate behaviour, at least you may spare some other woman from his dubious charms. Please don't feel "grubby", you are definitely not the one who should be feeling this way.

I'm honestly so angry on your behalf. I once had a window broken in my flat and I had to call out an emergency glazier late at night. I found myself at midnight, alone in my home with a male stranger, who thought it was the right time and place to ask me "So, where's your boyfriend tonight?", he then put his fucking arm around my shoulders. I told him that my boyfriend was a "bouncer in a pub" and that he'd be home soon. Luckily, he cleared off without any fuss, but even now, 30 years later, I'm still pissed off about it.

It's "not all men"...but it's an awful lot of them

Thankyou.
With it becoming dark earlier I never let anyone around my house if there is a hint of dusk. One of the guys that messed me around and didn't turn up when he was supposed to (just to do a quote), then offered to come round about 7pm last week, which I said a definite "no" to. I can't imagine being stuck with no choice, having to call someone out. I'm not surprised that you are still pissed off at that guy....

Today, I felt safe initially cos it was daytime and we have adhoc online Teams calls at work, but even when I purposely joined a drop in team call, he ignored my headphones and the fact i was on a work call and kept asking me personal questions. My mic was muted, as it was a call with over 100 people, but he didn't know that. It made me realise how brazen he was....so yes, it's made me acknowledge to myself that I need to be even more careful It's so wrong that we have to put all these protections in place. I like being independent, but I need to realise it's OK to ask for backup too. Even after the friends with benefits question, which I said "no" to, he then started asking what time I finished work. He was persistent, but kinda playing a nice guy, which felt even more manipulative......I know if I say anything, he'll act all innocent and twist it....

He actually messaged me after he left, apologising for asking so many questions, saying he's just nosy and apologising if he'd offended me. So he's already covering his back in case he's questioned about it. Sly and manipulative are the words that spring to mind.....

 

[HeyBabes]

My MIL is currently getting divorced, this has been ongoing for about 2 years with still no resolution. Everyday she posts at least 3 or 4 “woe is me” social media posts. And it’s literally like the crap you’d post when you were 14 and your very first boyfriend dumped you, I understand its a shitty and difficult situation, but she’s starting to give Alice Evans vibes and it’s getting very awkward. At what point do we say “yeh get off social media”

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I have a colleague who’s giving me really rude body language at the moment and I can’t pinpoint what her problem really is. I’m the only poc in my team so I’m inclined to think she’s doing so because of that. Eye rolling back to me not including when speaking in the group, speaking over me keeping her back firmly towards me. I’ve tried being extra friendly to her thinking she’s just unhappy or something but no nothing and I don’t want to people please as that’s unhealthy for mental health, people pleasing towards someone who dislikes you isn’t great. She’s only like this towards me. She’s nicer to others in my team who don’t even like her so she must have some one sided stronh feelings towards me. I don’t know how people justify treating someone that way. What should I do, just ignore her? But then I feel it would be a hostile environment and I would just be behaving as she is which is not me at all. Others must have noticed but they don’t say anything ?! If i noticed someone being like that towards an individual I would distance myself as they’re showing how nasty of a person they are. Friend said way nit everyone has a good heart most people don’t give a crap !

Not everyone will get along in life. As long as you are civil leave it at that.
If she is undermining you then you need to speak to HR but apart from that you cannot force somebody to like you or engage with you

 

[RandomFrog]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

 

[chickhicks86]

I went for a face to face interview at the job centre to be told I can’t apply for additional help with my rent as basically I should be earning under what I earn I think they said it equates to what I would be on if was unemployed on UC can’t remember how much that is? They did advise me to move to cheaper accommodation, again I’ve been looking but can’t raise the deposit for one unfortunately, I can’t get help with a food bank again because I’m not any benefits. I’m hoping these jobs I’ve applied for will get back to me.

You can apply online, please please at least give it a go! I don't think the job centre have advised you correctly. If you are earning under £892 a month you will be called in for appointments for job searching, but from my limited knowledge you will get some help.

 

[Snippysnips]

Since I’ve given out my personal number to work, I didn’t really want to but didn’t want to be the only person to refuse for the work WhatsApp group with about 30 people, I’ve been getting casino texts, random gambling ones and some from fake email addresses. I’ve never had this before and I’m not sure why it is or what’s causing it?

Sounds like it's either been leaked or someone is purposely using it, could you say to management ab say that you feel like your personally data has been breached? Tbh I certainly wouldn't have been happy handing my number over to a group that large, there's more than enough apps out there that they can do groups an your personal information isn't seen by others

The company should be following GDPR regulations an it sounds like that's been broken by your number being on show for everyone

 

[Codiaeum]

Neighbours parcels keep being left on our doorstep, no knock, no card, just left.
They order everyday on amazon so it's pretty annoying.
I used to take them straight round myself but I'm a bit fed up of it because it's everyday and they've never tried to prevent it.
What would you do?
Just wang them over the hedge into a puddle??

Call Amazon customer service and explain this, it sounds like they might have given your address or the delivery person isn’t sticking to whatever your neighbor left as instructions. Customer service is really good and they often can sort these things out.

 

[bozlem3080]

Trying & failing to look for a new job, was even turned down for a shelf stacking job at my local supermarket, I’m just fed up now, I live in a shared house, have a part time minimum wage job as a supervisor, no extra pay, they won’t up my hours (do roughly 20hrs a week) not entitled to any extra help ie with rent (it’s half my wage) & I’m just struggling so much, I just dream of having my own little place nothing fancy but my own kitchen, front door, etc (have en-suite luckily) but it’s never going to happen, I’m mid 40’s & just giving up I really am, I don’t drive, just feel like an absolute failure.

 

[cowtastrophe]

I'm feeling like a bad person. My friend is living her best life right now (fuck knows how she affords it mind!)

Whereas my life feels like groundhog day, work, school run (or now summer hols, pick up child from childcare) cook, clean, eat because I'm miserable & then cry because I'm fat. I can't do much exciting things as I'm skint all the time (paying off credit card & no financial help from anyone)

She's been on 3 abroad holidays, 2 concerts, disneyland and 2 weddings in the last 2 months!

She also has a lot of help from friends and family with childcare, she has an amazing relationship with her mum, and I'm just feeling a bit shit in comparison

I'm happy for her of course, but definitely a bit of the green eyed monster too

I just dont know how to get myself out of this rut I'm in.

It‘s always hard when you feel like someone else is getting the fun life while yours is a grind. Can you do any nice things for yourself like a cinema visit or pedi or something? It sounds trivial but taking a bit of time to do something just for yourself can really help pick your spirits up.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

Do you have anyone at the council you can speak with to confirm? If not try CAB, know your rights. A lot of estate agents just take the piss honestly.
---
@bozelm3080
A council or housing association may check a property more than once a month for health and safety, tenancy, or other reasons. However, monthly inspections are generally considered excessive and could be considered harassment.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Could you save it by saying you were looking for playdates for your kid lol an added a few parents?

That's a great idea and then I would mention it to all the parents you are adding at the gates so they know why you are adding them

 

[boomska]

I don't know where you live but there is a housing crisis going on. If all goes tits up, you will lose a friend. And is it still that easy to find another place to live for £625?

She is 34, I assume that you're around that same age. How will that go with partners, dates or hookups? Always go to their house and hope they don't have roommates?

But I only hear horror stories from friends who are 30+, live in a shared house and they can't bring a date home because they back out when they hear that they share a house. Most people age out of that at that age. Or the other party got a partner and instead of living with a friend, they never saw their friend anymore. They could hear them having sex and suddenly the guy live there too. They didn't sign up for that and these friendships went belly up real fast.

It does save you a lot of money, but if things go to hell, was it still worth it?

I‘ve lived with someone either with another person like now or a houseshare with 4 other people, and I’ve had no problems with bringing dates/partners/hook-ups back to my house. I’m always upfront that I share a house with someone else. I think with how the UK is anymore, the only time I’d make a comment on someone’s living arrangement is if they lived at home and had no plans to move

yeah we’re in a living crisis but we’re also in a cost of living crisis. If the landlord raises the rent, or bills go up even more, I’ll be screwed again.

Everyone’s raised good points to living alone or living with my friend and I made my decision yesterday and I chosen the right one for me at this time

 

[chickhicks86]

I applied to UC for help with my rent it’s £520 a month, but they said I earn ‘too much’ to have help, I get £785 a month, I went from one job at 20hrs to a job I thought was going to be 24hrs plus, 9 weeks into the job I’m working 16hrs every week, I’ve cut back on my gym, Spotify which was my little treat, I budget £10 a week for food so have a little left over in case of an emergency like a prescription I need to pay for that kind of thing, I’ve applied for jobs this morning, just hope I can find something with better hours or a job alongside the one I have now!

You should still be getting something. Did you actually go through the whole application process and told no? Nobody should have only £10 a week to spend on food.

 

[littlepup]

My son started school last year and became friendly with a child in class, met their family on a play date and has become obsessed with the older brother ever since; follows him around school, makes a beeline every day to play, when I asked who he plays with or who his best friend is he will always say the older child, not the younger one in the same class, and the parents are starting to notice/make comments and not in a friendly way.

What do I do? Should I discourage? Accept that it’s just a phase and the parents are being too sensitive? Apologise? Help!

I wouldn’t say the parents are being too sensitive if it’s upsetting their older son. They should be talking to you though, not being passive aggressive dicks.
An overzealous kid is making my oldest not want to do activities if they know the kid will be there, nervous to go to school etc. It’s unfair in a way because the kid isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’ and just wants to be friends but they’ll hug and grab and get in my kids face, they’ll also monopolise mine and sort of guard them off from other children, mine really doesn’t like it.
We’ve gently spoken to the child about it and the parents and teachers and spoken to my child about ways to handle it and having to acccept they can’t control someone else’s actions and it seems to be resolving but I must say, while I have sympathy for the other child, I can’t have my child avoiding their extra curriculars because of them so we had to say something.

On the other side mine is obsessed with an older kid (family friends child) who is a great friend of theirs in a 1-2-1 but when their same aged peers are about, sort of bins my kid off a bit. We’ve tried to pull ours back in this situation and manage their expectations but it is tough to see because again, they just want to be friends and they’re not doing anything ‘wrong’ (mine isn’t grabbing or hugging but is less socially mature) so it’s more about protecting my little one’s feelings and from rejection than the older child’s.

That’s a bit of a ramble but I guess I mean it’s obviously a normal social situation with children but both set of parents need to be helping their own child deal with it. It is just a phase but I think it’s important to address so I’d ask the other parents what their concerns are and find a gentle way to overcome them.

 

[Sooks31]

Our dog is blind, was born blind but we didn't realise until we got him home. He still occasionally bumps into things and he's been with us since Feb. But he had adapted. We don't move any furniture around or he finds it's difficult. But he gets about really well. I think just give it time x

 

[Snippysnips]

My GP surgery, like many I can’t get an appointment but yesterday I got a txt message threatening me that if I didn’t make an appointment for my annual review for my ongoing medication they will basically ask me to leave the surgery & find a new one, I’m not on any ongoing medication, I last had antibiotics for a kidney infection in November last year & then medication for my gallstone attack in April last year, so now I need a blood test, next appointment 10th March! So it’s ok to threaten me but when I need an appointment & can’t get one then that’s ok! It’s a good job I’m not elderly & housebound, I did say the wording is disgusting & needs to be more tactful, but was told it’s a generic txt, anyway I’ve now found a new surgery as I won’t be treated like a piece of shit & feel the appointment is a waste especially when it could be used for people who have health problems ie diabetic, asthmatic etc….

Yeah I'd be finding a new surgery as well, I've never received anything like this, absolutely shocking this is allowed to go through considering there are vulnerable elderly people who can't change surgery but can't always make an appointment due to ill health, that would definitely come across as threating to them

 

[JoeBloggs]

I’m having a bit of an issue.

I’m dealing with a professional that I’ve known for a few years. We have regular appointments. In the last few months, I’ve noticed a few planning inconsistencies from their end such as sending me the wrong links for meetings, not advising me of their time off and leaving me wondering if our meetings still stand etc.

They emailed me last week during my time off to tell me they needed to cancel our upcoming appointment due to a personal matter. I of course understood and sent them a supportive response.

I therefore went ahead and made other plans for this time slot as I took it the appointment was being cancelled.

I then suddenly got a meeting invite from them essentially reinstating our initial appointment at the last minute. The same appointment they said they’d need to cancel.

As I pay for their services, I found that a bit unprofessional, especially as I’m a longstanding client. I really sympathise with their personal matter but what was the point of sending me an email explaining their personal situation as the reason to cancel the appointment they later on reinstated at the last minute?

Although I felt bad about this, I sent them a response stating that my understanding was that the appointment was cancelled and I now have another commitment. I politely asked to reschedule but they never responded.

Am I being too harsh?

Not too harsh at all. You are paying for their services and therefore if they are having personal issues in which are affecting their services, they are the ones that need to work out how to deal with this. If you have any agreement or contract, it might be worth giving this a review as to if there’s any clause about rescheduling/cancelling appointments. It might be worth highlighting that to them and explaining that you have concerns that this isn’t being followed and it might spark them into maybe getting some help organising or to take some time off if that’s what they need.

 

[Wooh]

Hi. I'm not only a complete stranger to you, @Loppylou89 , but to this thread.

I wouldn't tell the "partner". Not your problem. Block him.

This has happened before, you say? I'd consider fine tuning your radar, and working out why you "keep the evidence" ready for when these women message you.

Please, "I always keep the evidence", I think this random problem may be from inside the house.

 

[Snippysnips]

I need some info......
Just watching a vlogger talking about how for a woman the most blissful feeling at the end of the day is taking your bra and makeup off.
She was wondering what the male equivalent was, so now I want to know!!!!
I can't ring any blokes I know up as I know they'll start getting "ideas."
So I'm throwing myself on the mercy of Tattle to assuage my curiosity.
What is the equivalent for men. That feeling you just can't beat......????

Know a lot of guys an grew up with a lot, an knowing all of them it would probably be something stupid like throwing their clothes off an scratching their balls in peace