The advice thread for random problems #6

[Jas28]

I just found the form the kid was handing over to me. It’s an ‘Elf Report’ but it says ‘the Elf watched you’ which in my opinion makes the whole thing beyond creepy.

I know that Elf on the shelf is a tradition but still. They ordered it off of Amazon for €2.50 but I’m beyond confused as to what this is about. At least if you want to look somewhat legit, sell cards. This is weird.

That is very strange. I don’t even open the door unless I’m expecting someone

 

[petitspois]

Mr C used to have a friend who was a bit (a lot) of a prick and who had a big problem with me. Essentially, he doesn’t like women who have stuff to say for themselves and don’t put up with bad behaviour. I never tried to stop Mr C seeing him but I wouldn’t socialise with him. Mr C acknowledged he was a prick at times but he doesn’t have many friends and he’d known this guy years so he was hesitant about dropping him.

They fell out a number of years ago after friend’s girlfriend claimed I’d said things I hadn’t and my husband called him out on his behaviour towards me generally. They didn’t speak for a couple of years until we got married and Mr C asked if he could invite former friend and his girlfriend in the spirit of making up with them. I was reluctant but said ok fine. They started being friendly again for a couple of years then the prick did something to Mr C which was a major betrayal - involved going behind his back and telling family and friends a lie about Mr C. Things blew up and they stopped speaking again.

We recently saw them at a mutual friend’s birthday and chatted amicably but it was clear to me that prick hadn’t really changed. He happened to be in the area yesterday and they met for a drink. Prick has invited us for a weekend at their house. I am really torn about going. I don’t honestly want to but Mr C has not had a good time recently with one thing and another and he really needs some friendly faces.

This all sounds incredibly juvenile, but I just can’t decide if I should let bygones be bygones for Mr C’s sake and go for the weekend or say no.

I wouldn't go as alcohol will be involved so it's much easier for something upsetting to be said and you're on his turf so have to be more flexible and polite than you'd have to be if you met on neutral ground. I'd suggest Mr C goes alone but probably say it's a good opportunity for you to catch up on [insert reason] as opposed to specifically saying you're not going because his mate is an arse.

 

[Libbub]

Can anyone help?
At the end of January I had a bleed on the brain. Luckily it was a small bleed and i have been left with no disability other than I do get fatigued more easily than I did and on the odd occasion and I do mean odd I sometimes can't find a word I want.

I want to return to work but my employer is saying he won't have me return unless I get a letter from the hospital to say I'm fit to work. I work in an independent retail shop. It's not rocket science but can be busy in the summer months. So quickly we established the hospital were not going to write such a letter, the stroke units take on it was if you want to go to work then go to work. My employer wasn't satisfied with that.
After much toing and froing an appointment with an Occupational therapist was made. He's coming today at 1.45pm. Speaking to him on the phone I told him what my employer had asked for, he said he was not medically trained in that respect and he will be be drawing up a phased return to work only. I need to contact my GP to get a fit to return to work form.
I rang the GP's and the receptionist tells me no it's up to the occupational therapist if you're fit to do your job or not.

Really??
All I want to do is go to work. It's a 2 day a week job. Should it be this difficult? Has anyone else had this amount of problems?

 

[cowtastrophe]

I'm not sure what wording you used but thought I'd detail my experience which might chime with yours.
I used to bottle up my rage and then eventually explode like Mt Vesuvius.
Then having Vesuviused a boss, (who frankly deserved it), I was sent for assertiveness training.
There I was categorised as an aggressive and not non assertive as I thought I'd be.
The gist of the course was to get the person who had pissed you off to explain themselves. Most people back away from this in normal life and let them get away with their behaviour whilst quietly fuming.
So you have to give them open ended questions or a statement in reply to their questionable behaviour or words.
For example - "that's not a very nice thing to say", (statement), or "why would you say that?" (open ended question).
Basically using the how, what, why, when in your question in reply
AND THEN
To say absolutely nothing but look at them

Don't try to save them as you start to feel sorry for them because of the awkward silence

Because you haven't given them a reply where they can just say yes or no they have to explain themselves re their behaviour and/or words.

Keep calm throughout and keep on with the how, what, why, when questions after their reply if you need to.

I immediately tried it on 2 people - one a bossy person who'd descended on me with their family and children when I'd been in my house a day. The woman was pretty scary as they lost their temper, but I stayed calm and kept on with the questions and they stormed out.
Their partner followed with the kids looking apologetic.

The second time was with a con merchant boyfriend of someone I knew. I wanted to know the truth about something he was doing, which he ended up blurting out against his will with my relentless questions and silences.(He looked very shocked that he'd dropped himself in it).

I felt very empowered and if you do it with witnesses it's even better, as they can't say you're a bitch as you were only asking a question whilst being calm. They get angry or freaked out that they can't control you.

Thank you for this, this is really interesting. People have me down as confident and outspoken and I am in some ways but I struggle with confronting people behaving badly because I think inside I’m afraid of them blowing up at me. I’m definitely going to try what you suggested.

 

[Thank(space)you]

My two closest friends don't like each other and have both told me- they'll be nice if it's a special event but otherwise I don't invite them to things together. I didn't hold it against either of them so hopefully your friends are the same. We can't all like each other

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Quick question, can a married woman have a male platonic friend? A guy friend who has met your husband and you know you will never sleep with.

Yes and no. I’ve had several platonic male friends. And as someone else mentioned, I thought they made better friends than women (this is a personal opinion from my experience with women)
Anyway there had also been a few that at some point tried to be inappropriate so they were dropped.
Unfortunately some men pretend to just want friendship but that quickly becomes evident. Kick those to the curb

 

[LadyLockdown]

If they didn’t publicly announce it, or you found out directly from them,personally, I wouldn’t reach out. If it was me, and old work colleague messaged me, I would think “oh it’s only took a terminal illness for you to reach out and message ” as our lives can go at any point.

but then maybe I’m harsh..so maybe you could message them and say “hi just saw this funny meme. Made me think of X time.” But not being up Their illness?

No, there hasn't been any public announcement from any of them, I've always found out from former colleagues that I'm still in touch with. It's an interesting point you make though, as I more than likely would contact them if they made some sort of public announcement, not that I'd ever expect anyone to of course.... So yeah, I think the fact I've always found out through a third party plays into why I don't make contact, especially under those circumstances.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you so much, I’ve been so lucky in the past & only really suffered with wisdom teeth pain, luckily were taken out, only had surface fillings but the past week I’ve really suffered, I’m convinced my teeth are just going to randomly fall out, even though not wobbly I’ve got a bit of earache/headache that I can cope with, found some clove oil in the cupboard so going to put some of that on & see how it goes. Toothache is the worst, I’m also convinced I grind my teeth in my sleep & just put it down to that at first & the more the pain has gone on the worse I think my anxiety has been as well.

Your teeth aren’t going to fall out, it doesn’t work that way, I don’t mean that harshly, just perhaps if you could apply the biology to it it could alleviate some fears. Even rotten, decayed teeth won’t fall out, they have to be physically removed.
NHS treatment is a price banding system so it’ll be £26.80 for emergency treatment then likely £73.50 if it’s a root canal or filling and maybe a prescription cost if it’s an abscess or similar. I appreciate if that out of reach but if you can do anything to afford it, it’s best to treat sooner than later before it gets worse and potentially more expensive.

How much NHS dental treatment costs

Find out about NHS dental costs and what’s included in each of the 3 bands of charges.

www.nhs.uk

Dental pain is the absolute worst, I remember having two abscesses getting pushed between the dentist and a&e and thinking I’d rather not live than have that pain everyday, I totally get it. But, please be careful with painkillers, you can damage your liver at the dose you’ve taken. If you’ve taken more than 8 in 24hrs you should call 111.

 

[PunkRocker]

I need some info......
Just watching a vlogger talking about how for a woman the most blissful feeling at the end of the day is taking your bra and makeup off.
She was wondering what the male equivalent was, so now I want to know!!!!
I can't ring any blokes I know up as I know they'll start getting "ideas."
So I'm throwing myself on the mercy of Tattle to assuage my curiosity.
What is the equivalent for men. That feeling you just can't beat......????

I just asked my husband and he said rearranging his balls

 

[miss n thropy]

Yeah is in my notes that some of the is in work triggered. Like stress defo adds to my symptoms.
I’m going to check my contract now never thought of that.
What will they be able to see? Is it just related to this illness or absolutely everything? Not that I think there’s alot more to see lol

They are only able to access records which relate to your absence from work, they are not entitled to see your full medical history and the doctors will know that.

I‘d like to think it’s so that they can put in support and reasonable adjustments for you at work X

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

So not sure where else to post this but I'm torn what to do. My current housemate has thrown a curve ball and is moving out. I found out yesterday so I was straight onto looking at places as I can't afford the current rent by myself. I mean, I could with bills on top but it's a stretch, but funnily enough, my friend asked me to move in with her as she's looking someone to look after the house and her cat while she's away (she works as cabin crew) and she's suggested I pay £600. I have 4 weeks to find a place lol

I went to view a place for £625 for rent for a flat only, and I think I'm in a a good position to get it, and with bills ontop, it leaves me with £1000 to pay my own bills, save, groceries and live basically.

But if I move in with my friend, it leaves me with £1200 a month to play with. I currently pay £600 with my housemate who pays the same but we overpay on gas and electricity etc so my current bills are only £500 maybe.

So I'm not sure what to do. I like the idea of living with my friend as we're the same age (34), similar attitudes etc, but do worry it might go tits up and I lose a friend. BUT then it oculd bring us closer together and she could be gone for a week at a time so i'll have a house (as she's got a 2 bedroom house with a garden) to myself.

I know this is an extremely lucky problem to have in some ways, espically with the state of hte world is in the UK. so any advice would be appreciative

Personally I would get my own place. It’s nice to have your own place and not be beholden to look afrer her pet. She’s basically getting free pet care plus money. And I can guarantee if there was a week whwre you couldn’t look after the cat it would cause resentment.
But don’t say no, first see if yoh are approved for your own place

 

[Snippysnips]

Saturday night I'd had a few wines and when I woke on Sunday I saw I'd accidentally followed one of the dads from my kids school I swiftly unfollowed but they'd seen it, accepted it and requested to follow me. I left it but today accepted. I can't stop cringing the. I've never even spoken ti them!! How am I supposed to face the school gates. Should I have messaged saying it was an accident!!!

Could you save it by saying you were looking for playdates for your kid lol an added a few parents?

 

[cowtastrophe]

After some advice please if possible, I have a family meal booked tomorrow evening there’s 7 of us in total, the meal is for my teen kids birthday, I’ve already paid a deposit (£70) does this suggest that as I arranged it I should also pay the final bill? My parents have already said they aren’t expecting me too and have assumed that they would pay for there own meals, but I’m unsure about my brother, his wife & my niece, for perspective I am a single mom on a one income wage, whilst my pay isn’t horrendous i am unfortunately not in the financial position that my family members are in (flash cars, big houses, mortgage free etc) I wish I was in the position to pay it all , but my question is does it look bad if I don’t pay the full bill, Totally Expecting it not to be cheap, I also don’t drink alcohol and the rest of them do, what would others do in this situation?

I don’t think there’s an automatic expectation that the arranger pays the bill but to avoid any awkward discussions when the bill lands, I’d probably suggest beforehand that it’s split.

 

[bozlem3080]

I’ve received an email from the estate agent that I rent my room off telling me they are going to do monthly inspections of not only the communal area but our rooms as well, this seems a bit excessive & personally I don’t want them ‘inspecting’ my room every month, it’s my safe space, I keep it as tidy as I can given the small space I have, I think every 3-6mths is fine but I find it a bit annoying.

 

[lilchicken]

I wouldn’t care about that, you must think about yourself and it doesn’t need to negative in how it’s fed back. Just keep it to facts that your chair is causing issues with your back and no supporting you, could something be looked into?Maybe raise via a email so you have evidence that you’ve raised. This sort of thing should really be checked on this yearly via 1-2-1s. If you don’t feel comfortable to raise with your line manager directly, do you have a staff support service? Something slightly different to occupational health. Maybe you could raise it with them for advice?

100%.

Your workplace has a duty of care towards you, including providing equipment fit for purpose.

 

[Scorpihoe]

I think the most you’ll come away with is an exchange for another item of the same value. You won’t get money back. They’d want proof of purchase and the card used in the original transaction. I’m only basing that on my experience of Next though. I don’t know about H&M or Mamas & Papas.

Congratulations on your new arrival.

It will be an exchange they offer, they may if they want too offer a credit note but like above said, most you can get is a exchange so long as the tags are all on them

Shops like that will understand people get duplicates or items they don't need/want when a new baby comes along

An congrats

thank you very much I called mamas and papas and they said they’ll give me a gift card or exchange as long as they still stock the item in store. Next were unsure and said it’s store policy so I’m going to try my luck tomorrow! Thankfully most of the next stuff has a gift receipt, only some of it doesn’t. I’d be happy with an exchange too just didn’t want to lose so much money, selling on vinted!

 

[yogiessexdubs]

This is a really privileged problem to have, I know, but I'm still stuck emotionally, so I thought I'd post here.

I bought a house (with a mortgage) in quite an expensive, poular area of my country some years ago. My fam is from here. It had stood empty for a year and needed lots of cosmetic work, which is why nobody wanted it, so I got a good price on it. The house has gone up in value by about 80%. Minus what I spent on renovations, I would still make a tidy sum if I sold it.

I could move to the opposite end of the country as I've been thinking about for years now. I found the perfect property, too, and it's exactly in the town I would want to live in. It is massively cheaper, would allow me to be mortgage free, have very few outgoings, and I would have a tidy sum left over to do with whatever I want.
The area is beautiful, close to two big cities but still rural enough to feed my soul.

On paper, it seems like the perfect idea to allow myself to work towards my goals (switch fields, become mortgage free, have more time for myself, have a huge garden for growing my own food, have time for long walks with the dog every day instead of squeezing them in wherever there is a little time, and many more.)

So why the fuck am I still hesitating? I'm lonely here, people are very closed off and difficult to get to know; I have one childhood friend here, and one friend who herself is probably going to move away at some point. I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, and the family I would miss are my siblings. It's about a 5 hour drive from here to there, so not too bad, and other friends that are not local would be the same distance away. There are no downsides. None. So why can't I do it? Why can’t I just say "Fuckem", list my house and go live my best life?

Do it. You have to think of yourself & you will always wonder if you don’t. Sounds like you’ve thought of all angles. Good luck.

 

[petitspois]

I got a save a date to a wedding around summer time and the bride told me the proper invited would be sent around mid October. I haven't got one do you think they just haven't sent them yet? Do I ask? I don't necessarily want to go tbh as I won't know anyone there but I'm going the hen party so I feel I have to go

I'd keep your head down and presume you've swerved it and don't think about it anymore.

 

[Brian Butterfield]

Ah thanks for replying. Did your son's friends ask for your number or did their parents already have it? Wow you had 7 of them lol

The dreaded school WhatsApp group, so most of us are easy to find. But my son has asked if he can pass my number on to his friend's parents before, and I'm always happy about this as it's good to have.

Yes, 7. Never again. I'm a house-proud, OCD, clean freak, but I wanted him to have fun. It turns out that despite my son being a complete slob, he turned into me and couldn't relax or enjoy himself as they were all so wild. I don't think he'll be suggesting it again in a hurry.

 

[cowtastrophe]

It probably goes without saying that the 2 hr call back I was promised by 111 never happened.

The next GP appointment is 27 June so I guess I’ll muddle along till then. At least it’s not something urgent.

Quoting myself because I woke up this morning to two missed calls on my phone from 12.50am and 1.10am and a voicemail saying that as I hadn’t responded, they were closing my case. FFS.